Should I just let her go and could it be a food trigger - BPD mother

[Paperthin]

My BPD mother moved in with me 5 years ago. She wasn't taking care of herself always lonely and never knowing what to do with herself. She became alcoholic, diabetic, let herself and the house go. I have always supported her financially (and culturally, she arrived in the country without the ability to speak the language which shocked me as a 5-year-old) and always forgave the rages (believe me I raged back at the ridiculous accusations) I thought I could cope if she had more security and saw me every day. We watch old films, eat beautifully prepare meals, go on shopping trips, do the gardening, it seems like a lovely life to me.But every  few weeks the BPD emerges and last for a couple of weeks with the most outrageous accusations. I get up at 2am and dig up the garden (she would not believe we had moles); I asked my friend to put the bin out because she's forgotten to (how dare I do that, it was her job); I don't spend enough time with her (I have a full-time job and then she ends up watching trash on TV staring into space); I looked at her funny etc. etc.

I'm a poisoner apparently. Every illness she has (she's in her 70s s lots of aches and pains) is down to me. Every time I have a friend over (happens once every few weeks as I'm trying to balance having a personal life but friends can't come to the house we share because she kicks off) we are plotting to kill her if she has a bad tummy (she's on lots of medication).

My brother has always had a bad, then distant relationship with her and now lives abroad with as little contact as possible. She has no friends, critical of everyone and highly opinionated but not educated, but conveniently never remembers the insults she hurls and the criticism. She is trying to isolate herself more and more and is now demanding to leave with more money from me of course so she can go back to her house, go to a solicitor for whatever. I have spent thousands on her house, I have bought her clothes, equipment, furniture, provided a home, talk to her, hug her, comfort her. She has little affection for me, is critical and disappointed. I have been her mother from the age of five. It hasn't made any difference to her mental state. Not even sure whether it has made any difference to her physical health.

She's threatening to leave again. Should I just let her go? At least I'd be free from the constant pressure. She won't go to a therapist. I have found one that can speak in her native tongue just to talk things over. After 70-odd years she won't admit, that maybe, just maybe, she has contributed to her view of the world. She abandoned her own parents as she wanted to live in another country away from them and their neglect which is where I suspect all this stems from.

I'm in my mid-50s. Shall I just give up now, is it enough?

[Paperthin]

Forgot to mention the trigger - potatoes? She had a lot the day before

[sklamath]

Welcome, Paperthin!

Interestingly, I had a acquaintance with a lot of Histrionic PD traits who was always lamenting to our shared friend group that she wasn't feeling well, and that she suspected someone had put MSG in her food. Just as I don't believe there was any MSG in our food, and though I'm no doctor, I don't think your mom's behaviors boil down to some bad potatoes. This sounds like a long-term pattern of behavior for her.

How are *you* doing? It sounds like you've put a lot of energy into trying to take care of your mom and bearing the brunt of her accusations, and that can take its toll on a person.

[Harri]

Hi paperthin and welcome to the board.  

She's threatening to leave again. Should I just let her go?

How do you typically respond when she threatens to leave?

I'm in my mid-50s. Shall I just give up now, is it enough?

We can't decide that for you but we can support you and help guide you as you choose your own way in navigating this relationship.

[Paperthin]

Welcome, Paperthin!

Interestingly, I had a acquaintance with a lot of Histrionic PD traits who was always lamenting to our shared friend group that she wasn't feeling well, and that she suspected someone had put MSG in her food. Just as I don't believe there was any MSG in our food, and though I'm no doctor, I don't think your mom's behaviors boil down to some bad potatoes. This sounds like a long-term pattern of behavior for her.

How are *you* doing? It sounds like you've put a lot of energy into trying to take care of your mom and bearing the brunt of her accusations, and that can take its toll on a person.

Thank you, kind of you to ask. I get asked that a lot and I do have friends that will listen and make recommendations, but they are very black/white, save yourself kind of ideas. I'm stressed, saddened but you are right, it is a pattern of behaviour. Remember having the same kind of conversations as child. I guess I'm just trying to find the trigger, but what I've read about BPD, there is never one trigger that can be identified.

Has anyone had experience of how someone with BPD can be persuaded to go talk to a therapist?

[Paperthin]

Hi paperthin and welcome to the board.  
 How do you typically respond when she threatens to leave?
 We can't decide that for you but we can support you and help guide you as you choose your own way in navigating this relationship.

Thank you. I say she is free to do so and I am sorry she has taken the decision to go and that I have an opposite view and I have loved our life together. But I also say I am not paying for moving costs or organising any removals and just leave her to pack. If she feels she is being controlled and says she wants to be independent from me then it starts with managing her own affairs. She hasn't done it yet.

[sklamath]

Has anyone had experience of how someone with BPD can be persuaded to go talk to a therapist?

This is a tricky one. When I first arrived here on this forum about a year ago, having recognized Mom's behavior in descriptions of BPD/NPD, getting my mom to go to therapy (T) was a goal of mine. Specifically, I wrote her a letter letting her know that I was finding T helpful, and thought that she might as well; and that we could both use some help breaking out of some bad patterns of interacting with each other...essentially, trying to appeal to what's in it for her. I know she has gone at least once, but I don't know if she has stuck with it. I don't regret encouraging her to go, but I had to let go of the outcome, i.e. trying to change her.

Instead, I have had to shift the focus to what I can change: myself. I have tried SO hard to make her happy--or at least happier, by trying to avoid any possible triggers. Meanwhile, I have gained tremendous value from being in T myself. While I am NC with Mom at present (her choice--she declared that she wouldn't call me and for once I didn't try to beg or bargain with her), my goal if/when we do reconnect is to be better prepared for what I now understand to be fairly predictable behaviors. For example, if I disagree, say no, or set limits, I can anticipate that she will rage, pout, or guilt-trip in an attempt to evoke a "rescue" response from me. It will never feel good when she does that, but I don't need to be so affected by it...and I certainly don't need to rescue her from her feelings or shoulder the responsibility.
 

I say she is free to do so and I am sorry she has taken the decision to go and that I have an opposite view and I have loved our life together. But I also say I am not paying for moving costs or organizing any removals and just leave her to pack. If she feels she is being controlled and says she wants to be independent from me then it starts with managing her own affairs. She hasn't done it yet.

I really can't suggest a better response than what you gave. You have established your own boundaries in a very loving, empathetic way. It sounds relatively unlikely that she would leave; but if she were to go through with packing and arranging to leave, what are the possible positive or negative outcomes of letting her go?

[Harri]

I also think what you say to your mom when she threatens to leave is perfect (Hi Sklamath!). 

In terms of identifying her triggers, that is a natural wish I think and for some things it can be done and avoidance is the appropriate and kind thing to do (ex, she does not like swearing).  But when having a friend over becomes her trigger, there is a difference.  It is your home, your friend and good for you to interact with others.  Isolating yourself from friends in your home is not good. 

Changes can happen as you learn tools and strategies to take care of yourself.  It might require allowing her to dysregulate and then letting her self-soothe as you go about your own business.  I know it is unpleasant to be around but if you start out with small changes to your behaviors, while working on your coping skills, things can take a turn for the better.

What do you say when she accuses you of poisoning her for example?  We might be able to apply some of the tools here.