Feeling confused and need insight

[PeacefulCareBear]

I've been feeling confused since I met him. He seems to go hot and cold, push and pull and he won't contact me for a matter of days and told me he was simply depressed. The things I haven't known about was about him drinking, abusing his medication and cutting himself. Now I'm sort of taken back by all of this. He seems to have a lot on his shoulders and stressing out. A few nights ago he got irritated with me because I wanted to watch a movie with him. Maybe he was having a rough night, I simply don't know. He seemed to want to be left alone and not bothered so I've been leaving him alone and not contacting him. I'm not sure at this point or if I would want to continue on from here because my last boyfriend was quite abusive and was an alcoholic. If anything I'd like to be his friend, though I'm worried about his reaction. At this point he's already stated to me, he feels like a burden on people and isn't happy with his life at all. I do care about him overall. Just needed some insight on BPD and to help me understand their behavior. I noticed anytime he disappears and if I try to contact him he will ignore me. Once I back off and stop contacting him, he will contact me a few days later apologizing to me for his behavior. So now when he gets like this, I don't give into the chase. I simply just want to understand and be there for him since I don't know know much about BPD. Thank you.

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am glad you are reaching out to us here.  We understand can can hopefully help in addition to supporting you as you navigate your way through this relationship.   

The sudden silences and distancing behavior can be very confusing and painful. 

I think you are wise not to push when he goes silent for a bit.  A lot of times people with BPD have a fear of abandonment but also a fear of engulfment that may be coming into play here.  It is hard to say for sure.  Regardless, allowing him time to self soothe and come to you is what we would recommend.  We also suggest that you go about your own life during this time, make sure you take care of you and keep up with your friends and family when possible.

Can you describe how things are when things are good?  How long have you been together?

[PeacefulCareBear]

About a month. He's very sweet towards me when things are good. We both talked a lot together and get along great. Told me that I understand him and that he can relate with me, because I'm very supportive and understanding about his feelings. I seem to relax him a lot and put his mind at ease anytime he's sad, depressed and thinking about suicide. He's mentioned to me that he doesn't feel as if anyone cares about him. When I told him I deeply cared for him, he got happy.

The closer we got to one another, I noticed a change him in. A shift that turned into him hating me almost and pushing me away slowly. This happened about a week or two ago. It happened slowly over time. I've sort of backed off and gave him breathing room because I don't want him feeling pressured. Once I contacted him by mistake and he simply ignored my messages and didn't want to talk to me. So since than, I've been leaving him alone and not going running after him. Things were going so smoothly up until we got closer together and he was opening up about things in his life, his feelings, his fears, his doubts and depression.

Than he told me he felt he was a burden on me and been acting off ever since than. Sort of pushing me away, ignored my messages and acting off, rude and sort of mean towards me which isn't common for him at all because normally he's very sweet towards me. I think he did this to try to push me away from him. So now I won't be contacting him until he reaches out to me. The one time I did, I ended up crying in the end because I had no idea what was going on. Now his disorder makes a lot of sense to me. So I'm glad I came to these forums. I've a very caring and understanding person by nature and I think he loved that about me. Because I wasn't judging him or mocking him, I was very supportive and loving towards him. It seems when we got really close to one another, he got scared and pushed me away. It's so early in the relationship, but I did pick up on everything and been supportive of him since day one. Now I'm simply waiting to see what happens. I will update if anything else happens.

[once removed]

A shift that turned into him hating me almost and pushing me away slowly.

depression can influence this too. i know when im depressed, it manifests as crankiness and i can be snappy.

is he in any treatment?
 

So now I won't be contacting him until he reaches out to me.

be careful not to be too rigid about this. youre wise not to chase or push. but there could be a risk with too much silence for too long. a middle ground might be something like, after a couple of days, a really light reach out, that just lets him know youre there, thinking of him, whatever (personalize it, you know your relationship best) but doesnt demand an answer can help.

what do you think?