Travelling with my BPD mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

Mistakenly went away with my BPD mom after the death of my father. Could not survive the intense time travelling together so I suggested getting different rooms in Paris. This clearly triggered abandonment and now I am the “ungrateful bitch” who never loved my father. I finally have realized I don’t even like this woman but I am so sad and pity her that I have a hard time doing what is right which is putting a big space Between us. I invited her on the conference trip to help her get away but she has over run my only vacation time for the next year and I am a doctor and work 70-100hrs per week starting when I get home. I don’t have time for this personal drama! The goal in this post is just to be heard. I feel so lost and sad for me, for her, for our relationship.

[Drsmash]

Mistakenly went away with my BPD mom after the death of my father. Could not survive the intense time travelling together so I suggested getting different rooms in Paris. This clearly triggered abandonment and now I am the “ungrateful bitch” who never loved my father. I finally have realized I don’t even like this woman but I am so sad and pity her that I have a hard time doing what is right which is putting a big space Between us. I invited her on the conference trip to help her get away but she has over run my only vacation time for the next year and I am a doctor and work 70-100hrs per week starting when I get home. I don’t have time for this personal drama! The goal in this post is just to be heard. I feel so lost and sad for me, for her, for our relationship.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome though I am sorry for what brings you here.

You are being heard, plus, I get it.

It is sad when trying to take space for ourself becomes such a threat to them.  How long dies she stay like this when she is dysregulated?

[Drsmash]

Days sometimes weeks. I had to put my foot down and say that I needed the rest of my trip to myself, which is probably horribly triggering for her abandonment issues but I need to start creating boundaries. I still sometimes think it’s my fault but logically I know it’s not.

[Harri]

You are right, logically we can know that her being upset is not our fault but it is so hard to know that emotionally.  What I find helps me is to talk to myself and remind myself that part of me having good boundaries also means respecting her feelings and letting her be responsible for them.  Looking at it in terms of not stepping over on her side of the street might help.

Knowing what is ours to take care of and what belongs to another (in this case your mom and her poor feelings) is part of being differentiated, something a lot of us with disordered parents have a hard time with.

Anyway, I don't want to get too much into that as I understand your need right now is to simply be heard and I want to respect that.  Please keep posting and talking with us as we really do understand.

 

[Drsmash]

She left this morning. I was initially relieved she left me here, I can figure out how to take the train to where I need to go.

Now the guilt has set in. What if I was kinder and more gentle to her. What if I didn’t let how she treated people affect me so much. I watched her criticize the Portuguese and this silly ways. I watched her get angry and volatile when travelling didn’t go her way, but it wasn’t about me. I feel guilty that I was so triggered that I needed to ask for some space. I feel guilty for even trying to do this trip together. What was I thinking?

I feel that I need to do some learning on how to be non reactive with her. I did a good job last night when I just didn’t say anything back when she was yelling and carrying on about how ungrateful I am. I did well by not yelling mean things back at her because that doesn’t make it better I’ve learned.

Back to therapy I go! I feel terrible making her into a monster because she can be so kind and all she wants is to be loved and feel safe.

[Harri]

I feel terrible making her into a monster because she can be so kind and all she wants is to be loved and feel safe.

Being able to see her for the hurt lost person she is is  step in the right direction.  I am not saying it will excuse her behavior but it will help us look for more constructive ways to respond rather than react.

Now the guilt has set in. What if I was kinder and more gentle to her. What if I didn’t let how she treated people affect me so much. I watched her criticize the Portuguese and this silly ways. I watched her get angry and volatile when travelling didn’t go her way, but it wasn’t about me. I feel guilty that I was so triggered that I needed to ask for some space. I feel guilty for even trying to do this trip together. What was I thinking?

Feeling guilt can be helpful in terms of learning better ways to respond in the future.  I do not however think you are guilty.  You are human and respond and react in ways that have been molded for a long time.  It will take time to change all of that.  Asking for space is healthy and okay.  You are not responsible for the way she reacted.  No matter what is causing her to react the way she did she is responsible for it.  All we can do is control ourself. 

I feel that I need to do some learning on how to be non reactive with her. I did a good job last night when I just didn’t say anything back when she was yelling and carrying on about how ungrateful I am. I did well by not yelling mean things back at her because that doesn’t make it better I’ve learned.

I think you did a good job too.  You did not make the situation worse by reacting and adding to the dysfunction!   That is excellent and so very hard to do.