SELF ASSESSMENT |Are you holding on to fantasies about someone who has hurt you?

[once removed]

Are you holding on to fantasies about someone who has hurt you? Is your fantasy holding you back?

If you've had a relationship with a self-absorbed person, it's common to develop and hold on to fantasies of revenge, recognition, and repair that are not realistic and hold back your healing.

The most constructive and enduring strategy for lessening or eliminating negative effects of the self-absorbed [person] on you is to develop a stronger and more resilient self... .Adopting constructive strategies is more rewarding in the long run than continuing to try to get [the person] to change, as the effort you put into changing him is unlikely to be successful. Turn your time, effort, and emotional investment to developing yourself.



INSTRUCTIONS: Take the poll and comment below, addressing these questions and adding any other comments:

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

Why identify these fantasies and what's wrong with having them?

These fantasies are helping your negative feelings persist, and they reinforce these bad feelings. They are fantasies because they are unlikely to happen just because you wish they would. Neither [the person who has hurt you] nor anyone else is going to change because you want them to. [The self-absorbed person] probably perceives events and situations differently than you do, or he is unaware of or insensitive to your wounding. Your wishes, dreams, and fantasies about your [self-absorbed relative, partner, ex-partner, or friend] are not helpful at all.

Adapted from Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, 2nd edition, by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC


See list of all romantic relationship surveys

[Lucky Jim]

Hey once removed,

I recently had a fantasy that a woman (non-BPD) who broke up with me about 18 months ago was going to invite me to the upcoming wedding of a mutual friend.  It was pure projection on my part, as there was no indication that she is considering any such invitation.

What helped me to let go of this fantasy was to project how I would decline her invitation.  In other words, one projection (that she would invite me to the wedding) was canceled out by another projection (me declining to attend).

For some reason, this technique - balancing one projection with another - proved quite helpful to me.  I'm uncertain exactly why it was so effective, yet it worked and might help others in the detaching process.

LuckyJim

[hotncold]

My question is why on earth do we cling to these fantasies. Intellectually I knew I should let it go but emotionally I somehow couldn't. I worked so hard to did myself of the fantasy and for years I felt I wasn't making progress. I would love to hear a discussion on the best ways to let go of a fantasy. So easy to say so hard to do. I have let go myself but it took forever and I feel like I'm now just left with an intermittently depressed self. No BPD fantasy to help me escape myself.

[Mutt]

[The self-absorbed person] probably perceives events and situations differently than you do, or he is unaware of or insensitive to your wounding. Your wishes, dreams, and fantasies about your [self-absorbed relative, partner, ex-partner, or friend] are not helpful at all.

For a lot of years I was hoping that my dad would change or hoping that he would finally see a quality about myself. I talked to him the other day on the phone, I was looking for my SM and he was saying nothing but negative things about her on the phone. I was thinking this is emotional abuse.

I saw similarities with my exuBPDw and my dad and a few years ago I thought about it. He'll probably never realize how he affects others, he's not very self aware, he's self absorbed and he probably see things completely different that I do. It was finally at that point that I started to think differently about him and feel differently about him. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders - I stopped thinking about how I would like him to be I started accepting him for who he is. It was very freeing.

[once removed]

at one time i held virtually all of these fantasies. i did let them go, but it took me a little more than a year.

i didnt necessarily want her to "suffer", though i guess it depends on how we define suffering. for me, it was more about being right, her regretting things, my own vindication. i wanted her to be taken down a notch. i wanted her to fail. i wanted to reject her as she rejected me.

frankly, i feel that in some ways they helped, at first. all the anger, all the "screw her", the "you cant reject me, im rejecting you" felt better than sadness, missing her, feeling rejected and sorry for myself. its just that nearly a year later, when a lot of the pain had dulled, after i didnt need to rely on that as much, they still nagged and burned at me, and i would ruminate on them.

My question is why on earth do we cling to these fantasies.

for me it was because the sense of rejection was so powerful, and frankly, i found out some things after the breakup that i wanted her to know i knew about; that she didnt "get away with it". those fantasies gave me a sense of power and control. im interested to hear why others think we cling to these fantasies.

I would love to hear a discussion on the best ways to let go of a fantasy.

lets have that discussion!

as a starting point, nina brown suggests the following (bolding mine):

The most constructive and enduring strategy for lessening or eliminating negative effects of the self-absorbed [person] on you is to develop a stronger and more resilient self... .Adopting constructive strategies is more rewarding in the long run than continuing to try to get [the person] to change, as the effort you put into changing him is unlikely to be successful. Turn your time, effort, and emotional investment to developing yourself.

thoughts?

[hotncold]

The most constructive and enduring strategy for lessening or eliminating negative effects of the self-absorbed [person] on you is to develop a stronger and more resilient self... .Adopting constructive strategies is more rewarding in the long run than continuing to try to get [the person] to change, as the effort you put into changing him is unlikely to be successful.

I put years of effort into trying to build a more resilient self but I am working to undo the damage inflicted on me in my childhood so there is so much work to be done. It sounds so simple to build a more resilient self and I have been working at it and I see some progress, but I still struggle a lot. No longer with fantasies about my ex, but with not having many things in my life that I would like. It seems that for some people, things fall into place for them. They're unhappy about x, y and then they simply go out and find something that works for them. Their relationship was working, then stopped working, so they went out and found something that worked for them. This is unheard of for me. Every single thing is a struggle. a) to first recognize that something isn't working b) to stop telling myself that if something is wrong its entirely my fault c) to extricate myself from abusive situations, d) to recognize and find situations/relationships that will allow me to thrive, rather than beat me down. Each of these steps require major, MAJOR work for me because I feel that I have essentially been brainwashed into accepting horrible abusive behaviour, to feeling responsible for it when it happens to me, and therefore to be unable to exit it, or to feel safe in situations that are different from it. It's really difficult and discouraging at times. So i am fully aware that building a better self is the way to go, but what happens when we are looking at years and years of very slow progress, and of course with brains that are wired in ways that do not serve us. I guess I am weary of "work on yourself" lines that make everything sound so simple. It is not, especially for those of us with BPD/NPD parents who gaslit and abused us. I guess I am answering my question about fantasies. Those of us who grew up in abusive environments had our imaginations to lead us out of there... fantasies because as children we had no other option. I had a neighbour who was extremely kind to me. I fantasized that she was my mother, and how my life would have been if my father had married her. As adults we now resort to what we learned. And now we have to spend our adulthood unlearning the dysfunctional behaviours that get in the way of us finding fulfillment - coping mechanisms for our helplessness as children. What do you do when you never experienced tenderness or true unconditional love as a child? When it finally does come towards you you push it away as some kind of strange foreign object that smells and tastes weird. These are the things I must contend with. I must live with all those moments I chose something other than love and tenderness, to live with decisions that weren't really my decisions. At the end of the day we are not the sum of our decisions, but of our upbringing knowing full well that as children we are much more malleable than we are as adults, so undoing all that harm as adults requires monumental, almost inhuman efforts. I can see why people get discouraged and depressed. Sorry for the rant, but inspiring quotes of self-empowerment get old after a while because they don't acknowledge that many of us were dealt a $hit hand and we can only play with the cards that we've got.

[once removed]

I guess I am weary of "work on yourself" lines that make everything sound so simple.

fair point.

the lines are taken/adapted from a larger work, Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, 2nd edition, by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC that elaborates on these things in greater detail. the excerpted lines are more of a conclusion than the "how to"...i think developing a stronger self means different things that are unique to each of us, and that while fantasies about someone who has hurt us are common and somewhat normal, to over indulge them is not ultimately constructive.

[hotncold]

I totally agree with you and didn't mean to diminish what is being said. I think it's valid. I was feeling a bit frustrated at the time that such things are very often said (and I myself have been guilty of it) but that it is less often acknowledged that developing a stronger self requires a monumental effort, especially for adults who simply weren't given the tools to do so as children. I would say that surrounding oneself with people with strong selves can be incredibly helpful as well. As I get stronger myself, this is happening and that in and of itself is life changing. I have had to leave people with weaker selves, which shows again how hard it is for weak people to attract healthiness. They repel it.
I have made incredible progress. I had a breakthrough moment today, where I could look back to ten years ago almost when i made a resolution to improve a certain relationship in my life because I couldn't understand why I had such bitter feelings towards that person. It was my very first attempt at meditation and I tried to evoke positive feelings towards this person and failed miserably. It has been a long and painful ten years but that person is finally one of my best friends who, I think as a result of my own choice to become stronger, is now also on their own difficult path towards healing. This all took so much suffering and work. But I now have someone who will be with me for the rest of my life now. Probably the strongest bond I will ever have in my life. This person is my support, my encouragement. I am no longer alone and will never be alone again. But it took TEN YEARS of being in touch with my pain. And there will continue to be pain. Because pwBPD wreak havoc on the lives of those they love only because they have experienced havoc themselves. Pain is contagious. I have a uBPD/NPD loved one. And to see her in pain gives me a lot of sadness. So, even when we crawl out of our monumental black holes, we still must contend with pain. It's just a different sort of pain. Whereas before it was devastating, and unmanageable, now it is down to occasional visits of grief, depression, self doubt and anger, with an occasional bout of fantasizing... but nothing too life disrupting. 

[JNChell]

Didn’t place a vote, but the first suggestion stuck out to me. I wanted her to apologize more than anything. I got very angry over it. I had trouble letting go of “needing” that. It never came. I held onto to that for a long time. It’s never coming. Understanding that has helped. Understanding why I waited around for it has helped even more.

[Sandb2015]

1-5 + 7.

I still fantasize that she will realize who she is and how she is and the damage she has caused, the indifference almost intentional damage she has cause without a thought of remorse or guilt.

I think we have many tiny thoughts of revenge and these fantasies are a way of letting them out.

I know what I've felt and feel, jealousy, envy of the "other guy", I imagine her smiling and going on with life so quickly and with great happiness and I want to change that in my fantasy.

The reality, there's no happiness or joy as we nons have the potential to have.  All the good things I imagine about her and her life are not real.

I wanted a honest meeting of the minds/emotions because that is life as I know it and I couldn't have that on the best day together, wanting it does cause these fantasies.

All fantasies become tarnished with the truth, I hope these fantasies continually fade as they are.