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JoeBPD81
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« on: April 25, 2019, 03:28:57 AM » |
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It is weird to be in this position again, and feeling it happened before, but feeling this time is the definitive. As I felt many times before.
5 years in the RS, I've been told "this is over" on average, every 15 days since the beginning. This time it doesn't feel we could repeat the same cycle. I feel defeated, I don't have hope that they (My GF and her 2 kids) can be happy with me, or even not get worse. I gave them everything, at a high cost, and it gets worse and worse.
She is in a pit of depression, resulting in anger more and more often. The older kid is always angry and full of hate towards everyone in the family, torturing the younger one everyday, and at the same time demanding so much from everyone as if he was the Emperor and we his subjects. The little one has a great ADHD, and is a handful, and he alternates moods where he's eager to please, with ones that he imitates his brother and can't do anything without a fight first.
They moved to my city from a small town, running away from an abuser. She loved her town, and she had all her life there, but it wasn't safe to stay there. Here, she hasn't been able to find a job, and they have depended on her mother first, and then on me. She had very bad luck, and each blow has been breaking her more and more. And she is at the end of her rope.
I feel I'm the only one on her side. And I think she pusses me away, so I don't judge that she's giving up on life, and no one else is going to know or try to stop her. She feels she can't educate the kids, and she can't even stand them anymore, and she blames herself and think she is a failure because she loses her patience more and more often with them.
She knows she's not well. And that brings a lot of shame, and it makes it worse. She knows the things she holds against me are irational, and some days she knows they are not true, even. But next time she remembers them, they are still true and worse than the last time. She knows me more than anyone, but she feels I'm a stranger, and that she can't trust me. So she wants to get away from me. Depending economicaly from me, makes it worse. She knows I don't deserve how she treates me, but she hasn't been able to change it.
So, 1st she brings up a mistake I made (Or one that she thinks I made), then she brings up all of them in the past (true or not). And she's very mad at me for a day or two. Then she slowly realizes I'm not the monster that she felt I was, that in fact I give them everything and take nothing in return, and how much it hurts me that she hates me. So then she changes her discourse, into what a failure she is and how unfit to stay in a RS, and how I deserve so much better. So...she must leave me alone.
In the past many many times that this happened, I managed to find words and comfort her, and she finally stays. She never says "I'm staying", simply the messages about leaving fade, and we keep on going. I'm never sure when the storm has passed. So we are never oficially back together after a break up.
Seeing how hard all this is, I don't know why I love her and why I keep trying to stay together. She doesn't know, and everyone around us can't understand why. No one understands when she's angry at me ("When Joe is soo good...") and that makes her angrier.
But I do love her, and it breaks my heart to see her suffering so much. Some times I though it was better to let them go, that I coulnd't keep going. But then I can only imagine my life trying to get her back. I'm not interested in life. I know I would be in time, and I'll move on some way or another. But I'm not eager to give up on the family I've had the last 5 years, troubled as it is.
But this time I think it would be better for them to try something different. To move back to their small town (at the end of the school year), where she has more opportunities and friends, and more reasons to live. It's not what I want, but I'm afraid it would be best for them. What I don't see is that she could have enough hope to go and try, when she feels like just giving up.
My hope is that we could share something when she finds her will to live again.
Right now I wouldn't move there with them, because of my job, and because I have no commitment from her at all. I can't leave everything behind and move to a new place, and then have another break up 2 weeks later. If things were good, I wouldn't mind moving there, I like the place. But things have to be good first. I can't be the only one loving, and she "barely alowing me to love her".
I'm lost.
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