Two BPD waves are hitting me simultaneously, next chapter

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335990.0

Might want to flow over to legal to discuss the lawyer visit, lots of legal details.

The one detail that should stay here.

What if you husband wears you down to sign.

It works for him...he will keep trying.  You know he won't put up with giving you control.  

Now...if you erect boundaries and keep control on other issues and are consistent...maybe..maybe.

What about moving to a smaller house, no mortgage, with money left over to insure his threats of no therapy, no paying for sports...no (fill in the blank) will work.

Hey..what's wrong with a rental?

What if you rented a place and had a draw on the money for a couple years so you control the healthcare, therapy bills and all that.

Wouldn't that be worth more than owning a home?

FF

Ff,
My husband is gullible he is also an impulsive spender, hence keeping money where he can’t use it. If he will have any left over he will invest it into the riskier business venture, or give it every time his relatives need it. The only option for me to make sure that I preserve what we currently have is to keep it in real estate. If he tries to wear me down and goes as far as not complying with what has been agreed, I have money that I managed to save to start legal proceedings separating our assets. Zero wiggle room here

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335990.0

Might want to flow over to legal to discuss the lawyer visit, lots of legal details.

The one detail that should stay here.

What if you husband wears you down to sign.

It works for him...he will keep trying.  You know he won't put up with giving you control.  

Now...if you erect boundaries and keep control on other issues and are consistent...maybe..maybe.

What about moving to a smaller house, no mortgage, with money left over to insure his threats of no therapy, no paying for sports...no (fill in the blank) will work.

Hey..what's wrong with a rental?

What if you rented a place and had a draw on the money for a couple years so you control the healthcare, therapy bills and all that.

Wouldn't that be worth more than owning a home?

FF

Ff,
My husband is gullible he is also an impulsive spender, hence keeping money where he can’t use it. If he will have any left over he will invest it into the riskier business venture, or give it every time his relatives need it. The only option for me to make sure that I preserve what we currently have is to keep it in real estate. If he tries to wear me down and goes as far as not complying with what has been agreed, I have money that I managed to save to start legal proceedings separating our assets. Zero wiggle room here

[snowglobe]

Why an upgrade?

Your H has extravagant spending habits, but then he also overextends himself financially and that causes stress and issues. He orders an expensive gift for you but then can't go and pay for it.

You mentioned his FOO sees the wealth,  but if it is wealth on the outside and being stretched above your means it is a source of stress.

Financial stability means living within your means, whatever that is.

It is interesting to see that how people manage money reflects them. Your H seems to have an erratic personality- all in ( like the diet) or all out. Loving you and spending money on you and then calling you names and not giving you money or gifts.

I don't quite get why you need to move at all. You have a home. It seems to be one of your H's wishes but a want isn't necessarily a need, and if you move to a more expensive home that over extends you, that creates additional stresses. Moving is expensive as it is- closing costs, movers. It's also disruptive. It's a good thing to do if it has overall benefits, but if it's one of your H's wishes- not made on substantial need or thought, it may cause or exacerbate issues.

Wendy, it has been a constant source of stress for me as he kept on saying daily I hate this house, as it’s getting old, falling apparat and needs constant maintenance. With my uBPDh the math is simple- the more he needs, the more creative he gets the more he earns. If he wants to upgrade, I’m not running to get a job, he will have to deal with consequences of his decisions.

[formflier]

Wendy, it has been a constant source of stress for me as he kept on saying daily I hate this house, as it’s getting old, falling apparat and needs constant maintenance.  

How is what he "says" a constant source of stress?

How is selling the house going to fix that?  Is he willing to sign a contract to not say things that stress you out if you guys get a newer house?

To be blunt:  I don't see what selling this house is going to address.  Your answer is all about him

Your answer is all about him

Keep repeating!

FF

[babyducks]

I want you to succeed.   I want you to have the house you want.   the relationship you want.     the financial stability you want.    the family life you want.   I really do.

because I want you to succeed, I find it hard when you blow by the comments of caring people on this board.

can I ask?     

Do you think what you are doing is working?    Making things better?   creating peace in the family?  with your husband?

[snowglobe]

because I want you to succeed, I find it hard when you blow by the comments of caring people on this board.
Do you think what you are doing is working?    Making things better?   creating peace in the family?  with your husband?

hi Ducks,
Can you be a more specific regarding the comment I blew over?
When I say I am somewhat on the same page with my unpdh regarding the improvement of our living situation I mean it. I’m also exhausted trying to divert his decision regarding the move into a better home. I have been subjected to daily inquisition regarding our move, now that I’m on board for it, the fights regarding the move have stopped. I’m within my legal limit and otherwise. I also understand that should I not agree on something with uBPDh, I can file for separation and get at least a half of the property value, and live alone with the kids. Legally, he can’t force me. The house is old and falling apart. He doesn’t want to fix it, I don’t want to fix it, so the solution to move into something brand new.
So I think what I’m doing is working- yes, it’s working better then when we had daily fights
Creating peace for the family- time will show, I wasn’t a keen to moving into this house and we have done relatively well
With my husband? What I need is to protect my legal rights and create firm boundaries. I like the conversation flowing, maybe I’m missing something with the tunnel vision. WhAt do you see that I don’t? 

[formflier]

So I think what I’m doing is working- yes, it’s working better then when we had daily fights
 

This...right here..this!

Your husband wears you down, you give in...and you say this is working.

It's "working" to train your husband how to run over your boundaries...that's what it's working to do.  it will NOT create peace in your family, certainly not consistent peace over time.

I get it that "for now"...he is quiet or happy because you gave him what he wants

I'm concerned that you don't "see" the advice you are blowing past...

To be clear...I WOULD say you are doing something that is working if you had NOT agreed to sell the house AND instead stopped fighting with your husband daily about it.  It takes 2 to fight...please look at this from what you do, not what you husband does. 




FF

[babyducks]

sure.   happy too.

You've been accommodating his instability and then trying to find strategies to deal with it.

  STOP

Figure out what YOU want to do and do that. You will never find peace of mind if you try to please his shifting moods. Find that within yourself.

From reading your posts, I wonder if you are giving him mixed messages.
  His feelings and emotions are not under your control. Neither is what he eats or doesn't eat, or what he buys for you or doesn't buy for you. It isn't possible to change another person. He's going to do what he chooses to do. Your part is to manage yourself in this and your responses.

To be blunt:  I don't see what selling this house is going to address.  Your answer is all about him

it's understandable that it takes time to work through and understand what is really happening in a relationship like the one we find ourselves in.   it's hard.

Still.    There has to be a willingness to look at our own part of it.   To take responsibility and address our stuff.

[snowglobe]

Background: for 12 years now my parents are living with me, my kids and uBPD husband in our home. Initial arrangement was- they were helping me with the children, one of them is special needs, they don’t pay rent or any other utilities and rent out their property. Win/win. Myself and uBPDh have live in babysitters and they are able to save money on living costs. It worked beautifully for a while. When uBPDh was disregulating, my parents also provided firm boundaries and protected myself and the kids from abuse. They took my children out, provided emotional support, allowed me to give attention to unpeg so he doesn’t split so much. The problem here is my mother is also BPD and histrionic. She saw my uBPDh as a source of protection, belonging, resources and “stuck” with us making him feel secure. Upon any endeavour in the past she would encourage and support him “you’ve got it, uBPDh, we are behind you and will back you up”. She also raised my kids for close to a year while we commuted to another city for work. She was paid generously for that. Once my uBPDh work situation ended and we came back, she had lost the salary as my uBPDh could no longer sustain it. She also had a substantial car accident where she damaged the leased car That we had to get rid of. Moreover, she started threatening that she would leave and move out any time things didn’t go her way or she did not like something we were Doing. My uBPDh was being triggered by abandonment. When she went away on a long vacation and came back she started acting like a teenager, getting attention by picking fights, over analyzing uBPDh words my looking for a secret meaning behind it, in February she left for two weeks. She eventually came back after I spoke to her calmly but drew the boundary of not allowing her to yell at me or threaten me anymore. Yet, something changed in my mother’s relationships with my uBPDh. It’s like they are locked at each other’s throats. Now, with impending sale and move from the current home my uBPDh was expecting her cooperation with packing and getting the house ready. Part of it is decluttering. She is refusing to let go of the things she hadn’t ever used, and uBPDh doesn’t want to move the junk to a new home. Every time he asks her to remove her boxes into storage she triggers and disregulates “he is violating my right by asking me to get rid of my belongings, next time he will kick me out”. Since we got rid of the car she crushed we didn’t pick up a second vehicle. Why? Because we need to buy a house first and then lease something. Unpdh is still angry at her vandalizing way of abusing the vehicle. So he starts the conversation about buying a car for our daughter if she is good to him (npd). This somehow triggers my mother, because she expects it to be either for her, since she driving the kids, or communal property. So yesterday when she picked up my unpdh from work, she was using the one car we now have, and he started with the same tune, addressing our daughter who was in the car also “if you be nice to me I will buy you a car of this or that make”. My mother started yelling “I forbid you to do that, you just wait and see what will happen, don’t you dare” he started yelling gun back “I don’t tell you what to do, don’t you dare lecturing me”. When they both got home, she called him to eat a dinner that I have prepared earlier. As he came down, he started further pulling in her. She is taking my kids on vacation down south for a week. She paid for her ticket, I paid for my children. It’s a budget vacation, my unpdh started commenting at how “sh$tty the food is going to be, and that it’s not a vacation my kids are used to” addressing my d15. Again, my mother started telling him to stop and ruining their vacation before the leave, it’s all they could afford and that it’s mean to speak this way. UBPDh started running around with plate of a just weighted salad (he uses a scale for weighting his good,  one of anorexia signs) and yelling “this is it, I can’t take it anymore, I don’t feel comfortable in my own home, I need to sensor everything that comes out of my mouth, I’m not going to speak to you today”. And left to our bedroom. He stayed there the entire day on bed, brooding. He was complaining of hunger and saying that he is doing it on purpose to remember what she does to him. That he doesn’t want her around and do on.
I’m afraid this will escalate to the point he asks her to move out. I’m afraid to loose my parents support and help with the kids. My uBPDh doesn’t contribute to anything other then making money. This whole situation is taxing and upsetting.

[formflier]

What would your life be like if you choose to not be part of BPD? 

You...your kids...no BPD?

FF

[Notwendy]

Well besides the house sale which is confusing, your mother is facing some changes. She hasn't experienced much of an empty nest. Her job has been to raise her family and then she was paid to help raise yours. This has been her purpose and her security ( and I believe raising kids and keeping house has value that can translate to a salary). She's now unemployed and about to lose her place of residence.

However, at some point, this is inevitable. Children grow up and leave home. The two of you will have an empty nest not too long from now. Your mother's "unemployment" is inevitable as the kids get older.

The car issue for D15 also is a transition. If D15 learns to drive and has a car, your mother won't be needed as much to drive the kids around.

The empty nest is an emotional transition for mothers. It's not an easy one. It' hard to not feel as needed in the same way.  ( the kids still will always need a mother but in different ways). The kids will drive themselves, they won't always live at home. Even for emotionally stable mothers - this is a rough time emotionally. It's also hard for BPD mothers and if they can't regulate emotions well, they will handle it in their ways.

Your mother reminds me of the "old country" values where daughters were married off for financial security for the family. Nothing wrong with that in that era. It was survival. Women had no way of surviving any other way than to be home makers for a husband who could support them. But as we saw in Fiddler on the Roof, a new idea- marry for love- began to change things. But customs remain as part of countries and their culture. Your mother has no other experience or way to support herself. I'd bet she's scared and acting this out with your H.

[formflier]

Perhaps you should start a separate thread about the legal aspects of what you want to accomplish in the house sale.

My understanding is you have things worked out with a L to keep the funds of the sale out of the sole control of your hubby.

Do I also understand right that you are not going to let him manipulate you into going with his idea for follow on housing?

FF

[Notwendy]

If your parents are to be living elsewhere, it seems only fair to transition them rather than toss them out. They do have some income from their rental. Your mother was more needed when you were out of town with your H. She is still needed but not as much.

Do you envision yourselves living with your parents when your kids are out of the house? Your H may want to not have parents living at home then.

 One option if you do move is to have them rent a place near you. Your mother can help you when you need her. You and your H should offer to pay rent for as long as you can while transitioning your parents to being independent of you two. They have likely saved some money from their rental for their retirement. Your mother might be able to work as a housekeeper/cook- helper to a family ( if she's safe with kids- she seems more high functioning than mine is )  Perhaps there is a way to lessen the shock of a sudden transition for them, and for your mother to feel needed by a family as a nanny in the future.

Your H is impulsive. He wants what he wants when he wants it. I don't think you can change this. For your parents though, they also will face the brunt of this unless there is a plan in place for their own independence.

[Notwendy]

There are two topics in this thread- I agree with FF about splitting it. All the issues contribute to the difficulty. Don't know if you are going to move or not , but it is understandable that your mom is reacting to it as it looks like it's going to happen. Fuzzy boundaries here. If you aren't going to sell, then why are you packing and decluttering? Kind of like saying "no you can't have a cookie" then putting them on a plate in front of the kid " but you can't have one". What's the kid going to do?

[zachira]

You are struggling with how to deal with making changes in your relationships with the persons with BPD in your family. When we wake up and realize that we want things to go differently, those with BPD do not handle it very well which creates tremendous stress. I have several family members with  BPD. I find that the challenge is to be patient, which is extremely difficult, and to gradually set better boundaries with them. I am financially enmeshed with my family members with BPD, and I am praying for the day when I no longer have any financial connections to them which is going to take time. Keep taking the steps you need to take and gradually you will feel better, though things will never be quite the way we would like as long as we have a family member with BPD to deal with on a regular basis.

[flourdust]

What I'm hearing is that your mother and your husband are fighting.

What if you chose not to take any role in their fight -- not to pick sides, not to play peacemaker -- just stay out of it.

[snowglobe]

What would your life be like if you choose to not be part of BPD? 

You...your kids...no BPD?

FF

Ff, frankly, I don’t know. Peaceful, perhaps? More turbulent as each BPD in my life would try and reinstate their control over.

[snowglobe]

Well besides the house sale which is confusing, your mother is facing some changes. She hasn't experienced much of an empty nest. Her job has been to raise her family and then she was paid to help raise yours. This has been her purpose and her security ( and I believe raising kids and keeping house has value that can translate to a salary). She's now unemployed and about to lose her place of residence.

However, at some point, this is inevitable. Children grow up and leave home. The two of you will have an empty nest not too long from now. Your mother's "unemployment" is inevitable as the kids get older.

The car issue for D15 also is a transition. If D15 learns to drive and has a car, your mother won't be needed as much to drive the kids around.

The empty nest is an emotional transition for mothers. It's not an easy one. It' hard to not feel as needed in the same way.  ( the kids still will always need a mother but in different ways). The kids will drive themselves, they won't always live at home. Even for emotionally stable mothers - this is a rough time emotionally. It's also hard for BPD mothers and if they can't regulate emotions well, they will handle it in their ways.

Your mother reminds me of the "old country" values where daughters were married off for financial security for the family. Nothing wrong with that in that era. It was survival. Women had no way of surviving any other way than to be home makers for a husband who could support them. But as we saw in Fiddler on the Roof, a new idea- marry for love- began to change things. But customs remain as part of countries and their culture. Your mother has no other experience or way to support herself. I'd bet she's scared and acting this out with your H.

Wendy, culturally you are spot on! In cultural context that is exactly what happened. She transferred responsibility of parenting and educating 17 yo to a 27 yo “surrogate parent” my uBPDh, who since fed, educated, and tongue in cheek “protected” me. I also agree with these changes you are describing of an empty nest. The only difference is I started working on myself (my education) and she is trying to force everyone back into the mold where her involvement is necessary. Not too long ago she was suggesting for us to expand our family. What?. Knowing what she knows, how can anyone suggest to bring more kids into this mix?

[snowglobe]

Perhaps you should start a separate thread about the legal aspects of what you want to accomplish in the house sale.

My understanding is you have things worked out with a L to keep the funds of the sale out of the sole control of your hubby.

Do I also understand right that you are not going to let him manipulate you into going with his idea for follow on housing?

FF

Absolutely not going to allow him to manipulate me financially. If he were not to comply with oral and written agreement we created (promissory note that he wrote to me) I will freeze the funds in lawyers trust.

[snowglobe]

If your parents are to be living elsewhere, it seems only fair to transition them rather than toss them out. They do have some income from their rental. Your mother was more needed when you were out of town with your H. She is still needed but not as much.

Do you envision yourselves living with your parents when your kids are out of the house? Your H may want to not have parents living at home then.

 One option if you do move is to have them rent a place near you. Your mother can help you when you need her. You and your H should offer to pay rent for as long as you can while transitioning your parents to being independent of you two. They have likely saved some money from their rental for their retirement. Your mother might be able to work as a housekeeper/cook- helper to a family ( if she's safe with kids- she seems more high functioning than mine is )  Perhaps there is a way to lessen the shock of a sudden transition for them, and for your mother to feel needed by a family as a nanny in the future.

Your H is impulsive. He wants what he wants when he wants it. I don't think you can change this. For your parents though, they also will face the brunt of this unless there is a plan in place for their own independence.

Wendy, at some point I would like to separate the households, as the intrusion on our privacy is growing substantially. I would like to help my parents financially, as they have invested a lot of years and resources into us. However I don’t think it would be the case as with my uBPDh if you aren’t within physical proximity or useful to him he won’t do anything for anyone. While they live with us they have the access to best medical care in the country, food, they can save money, but once they are out I think this would change. From their history in the past my uBPDh didn’t do anything for them when we were living separately.

[snowglobe]

There are two topics in this thread- I agree with FF about splitting it. All the issues contribute to the difficulty. Don't know if you are going to move or not , but it is understandable that your mom is reacting to it as it looks like it's going to happen. Fuzzy boundaries here. If you aren't going to sell, then why are you packing and decluttering? Kind of like saying "no you can't have a cookie" then putting them on a plate in front of the kid " but you can't have one". What's the kid going to do?

Ok, I will try to explain more clearly. We are selling and are moving that is for certain. What I will not do is go into rental and allow my iBPDh to use these money from the house sale for shaky business investment. My mother doesn’t want to start packing as she is opposed to the sale. “If he can afford to upgrade the home, why can’t he afford to pay me a salary?”. Actually, she doesn’t want to work, complaining that kids are difficult and that her blood pressure is high. We have a cleaning lady to clean the house. What she wants is a retirement supplement for all the years she helped us out

[snowglobe]

What I'm hearing is that your mother and your husband are fighting.

What if you chose not to take any role in their fight -- not to pick sides, not to play peacemaker -- just stay out of it.

Which I have done, my mother approached my uBPDh with apologies, they are leaving on vacation and she wants to make amends before they go.

[formflier]

Absolutely not going to allow him to manipulate me financially. If he were not to comply with oral and written agreement we created (promissory note that he wrote to me) I will freeze the funds in lawyers trust.

So...you have a contract that your lawyers drew up and told you that this contract will protect your interests and this contract will prevent your hubby from unilaterally doing what he wants with the money.

That same paper also allows you to "freeze" funds in lawyers trust.  I assume the paper grants him the same rights...

Do I have this correct?

What are you going to do when you sell the house, money goes to trust, he won't give you money for doctor, therapy, kids activities (whatever) and then HE freezes the money in the trust.  Of course he will promise that if you sign (paper giving him control) he will toss you some financial crumbs.

How EXACTLY does your contract with your hubby protect you from this?

And...critical...your L is the one that has showed/explained to you how this protection will play out when hubby "does his thing"?

Do I have this right?

FF

[formflier]

and reinstate their control over.

Their control over what?

FF

[Notwendy]

Reading these posts, I think that it is a situation that is difficult to change because your H holds the money, and all of you are dependent on this money for both your basic needs and the extras. Basically, this gives him a lot of control- control a person should not abuse as head of the household, but your H is impulsive and does this. When you stand up to him, he has the option of with holding money for your family. As FF pointed out- he can even use this option to badger you out of the trust the lawyer holds. I still think it is a good idea to do this because it is harder to get at it than if it was in the bank.

He is also able to be persistent with his badgering and threats to get you to back down. I observed this with my parents and my BPD mother also does ( tries) this with me. If she is focused on something she wants ( and to her that means she has to have it ) she pushes and badgers and threatens until we just give in to get some peace. Then, she seems pleased for a while- until the next thing. This is because it isn't the "thing" she craves but relief from her own inner turmoil that she believes acquiring the "thing" will solve. I am able to stand up to her now, and it is difficult. I realize it would be much harder if I lived with her, was romantically attached to her, or she held the money that we needed as a family - which she did for me when I was a child ( even though my father earned it, she controlled it).

I learned at a young age that any freedom from my home situation required that I become financially independent from my family, otherwise they had control of me. I worked during my marriage but was a stay at home mother for a while and it was hard for me to be financially dependent due to my own family background. Yet, even when the marriage was most difficult for me, I knew I could manage financially as I did have degree and job skills. I knew that if I had to leave, it would be difficult, but I would not be destitute. I was more concerned about splitting the family up and the effect on the children than that, but knowing we would not starve gave me some ability to not be in fear. Also, my H is invested in the marriage and the family and did not make the threats your H does, so it is different, but I observed the more extreme behaviors and threats with my mother.

I think at one point, my father realized the futility of this constant battle of wills between him and my mother as he was going to stay in the marriage for the long run. I think he did hold to some boundaries when we kids were at home. After we left, and I think it took some time, he handed the whole situation over to her. She controlled everything. It looked crazy from the outside, but he somehow managed to carve his piece of sanity within it with his work life- which he was able to do since he was the wage earner. She had to let him go to work. He liked his work and colleagues and was quite happy during the day. It was when he retired that maintaining this structure got more challenging.

Looking at your situation- you don't want to leave the marriage, your children and your parents also depend on your H's income. Unless you are willing to let go of this support- ( and you aren't - for significant reasons- your children and parents need it)- he has a lot of control and power. The only way I see this power diminish is if you have some earning capacity. You are working towards that by getting your degree. You may not ever choose to leave and he may continue to be the main support, but a job gives you income, as well as a circle of contacts, and can boost your self confidence.

It seems that you are trying to manage several issues at once- and in your situation I think this is somewhat of a constant because the family is subjected to your H's wishes and he is in control of the family income. You are managing the best you can to secure some support for your family in this, but it is erratic and I don't think you can control that. Your H gets what he wants as he knows how to do it, and he can do it. At one point your argument was about you not agreeing to sell the house. Now, you are selling the house but the money is going into a trust. That's a good thing, but its also a boundary your H can break down if he wants, and he knows how to do this.

Several posters have advised that you focus on your wishes and goals, and I think  a good one to consider is your degree. What if you did, like my father did, create a little patch of sanity for yourself and focus on getting your degree and your school world? Perhaps enroll in an internship course to get some experience, visit the career center ( most colleges have them) and talk about potential jobs you might be interested in. Go talk to a professor about their field and careers. Maybe meet a classmate to study with in the library. Your family is your #1 focus and still will be, but maybe take just a little bit of that focus and expand your own. Your children won't be little forever and once grown, you will have this space for yourself and the possibility of employment. The rest- your H's moods, house, mother- they are going to do what they do.

[snowglobe]

So...you have a contract that your lawyers drew up and told you that this contract will protect your interests and this contract will prevent your hubby from unilaterally doing what he wants with the money.

That same paper also allows you to "freeze" funds in lawyers trust.  I assume the paper grants him the same rights...

Do I have this correct?

What are you going to do when you sell the house, money goes to trust, he won't give you money for doctor, therapy, kids activities (whatever) and then HE freezes the money in the trust.  Of course he will promise that if you sign (paper giving him control) he will toss you some financial crumbs.

How EXACTLY does your contract with your hubby protect you from this?

And...critical...your L is the one that has showed/explained to you how this protection will play out when hubby "does his thing"?

Do I have this right?

FF

Ff,
The plan is to go from general to more specific as my options narrow down. If we sell, and find the home we both agree upon, the sale money will leave lawyers trust and be transferred to a new property with a new offer. If, which can happen, we starts saying “let’s rent instead” or, I “I can’t find the home of my dreams therefore I want nothing” I won’t sign the release of the money proceeds from the sale, and involve a family lawyer to demand a psych evaluation. What I plan on doing for the first time is to give my uBPDh consequences of his actions exactly proportional to his actions. The family T I met with this week encouraged me to stay alert and mindful, yet not to let my fears to control my actions. Heavy involvement of the lawyer may trigger and damage the family unit. I already know he can’t force me to sign anything, even the sale, unless I agree.

[snowglobe]

Reading these posts, I think that it is a situation that is difficult to change because your H holds the money, and all of you are dependent on this money for both your basic needs and the extras. Basically, this gives him a lot of control- control a person should not abuse as head of the household, but your H is impulsive and does this. When you stand up to him, he has the option of with holding money for your family. As FF pointed out- he can even use this option to badger you out of the trust the lawyer holds. I still think it is a good idea to do this because it is harder to get at it than if it was in the bank.

He is also able to be persistent with his badgering and threats to get you to back down. I observed this with my parents and my BPD mother also does ( tries) this with me. If she is focused on something she wants ( and to her that means she has to have it ) she pushes and badgers and threatens until we just give in to get some peace. Then, she seems pleased for a while- until the next thing. This is because it isn't the "thing" she craves but relief from her own inner turmoil that she believes acquiring the "thing" will solve. I am able to stand up to her now, and it is difficult. I realize it would be much harder if I lived with her, was romantically attached to her, or she held the money that we needed as a family - which she did for me when I was a child ( even though my father earned it, she controlled it).

I learned at a young age that any freedom from my home situation required that I become financially independent from my family, otherwise they had control of me. I worked during my marriage but was a stay at home mother for a while and it was hard for me to be financially dependent due to my own family background. Yet, even when the marriage was most difficult for me, I knew I could manage financially as I did have degree and job skills. I knew that if I had to leave, it would be difficult, but I would not be destitute. I was more concerned about splitting the family up and the effect on the children than that, but knowing we would not starve gave me some ability to not be in fear. Also, my H is invested in the marriage and the family and did not make the threats your H does, so it is different, but I observed the more extreme behaviors and threats with my mother.

I think at one point, my father realized the futility of this constant battle of wills between him and my mother as he was going to stay in the marriage for the long run. I think he did hold to some boundaries when we kids were at home. After we left, and I think it took some time, he handed the whole situation over to her. She controlled everything. It looked crazy from the outside, but he somehow managed to carve his piece of sanity within it with his work life- which he was able to do since he was the wage earner. She had to let him go to work. He liked his work and colleagues and was quite happy during the day. It was when he retired that maintaining this structure got more challenging.

Looking at your situation- you don't want to leave the marriage, your children and your parents also depend on your H's income. Unless you are willing to let go of this support- ( and you aren't - for significant reasons- your children and parents need it)- he has a lot of control and power. The only way I see this power diminish is if you have some earning capacity. You are working towards that by getting your degree. You may not ever choose to leave and he may continue to be the main support, but a job gives you income, as well as a circle of contacts, and can boost your self confidence.

It seems that you are trying to manage several issues at once- and in your situation I think this is somewhat of a constant because the family is subjected to your H's wishes and he is in control of the family income. You are managing the best you can to secure some support for your family in this, but it is erratic and I don't think you can control that. Your H gets what he wants as he knows how to do it, and he can do it. At one point your argument was about you not agreeing to sell the house. Now, you are selling the house but the money is going into a trust. That's a good thing, but its also a boundary your H can break down if he wants, and he knows how to do this.

Several posters have advised that you focus on your wishes and goals, and I think  a good one to consider is your degree. What if you did, like my father did, create a little patch of sanity for yourself and focus on getting your degree and your school world? Perhaps enroll in an internship course to get some experience, visit the career center ( most colleges have them) and talk about potential jobs you might be interested in. Go talk to a professor about their field and careers. Maybe meet a classmate to study with in the library. Your family is your #1 focus and still will be, but maybe take just a little bit of that focus and expand your own. Your children won't be little forever and once grown, you will have this space for yourself and the possibility of employment. The rest- your H's moods, house, mother- they are going to do what they do.

Thank you Wendy, I have contacted the recruitment center and inquired about possible job prospects. I am also facing a decision of applying for post grad in order to have a member of association through graduate program, which is additional two years. With the salary I Potentially can make, I can support at least my kids on my own, maybe even help out my parents. What I I need is time to finish. I don’t know what the future holds, truly. It might all come crushing and burning, or he might get into his dream home and be busy perfecting it for a couple of years to give me time to finish.

[formflier]

What I plan on doing for the first time is to give my uBPDh consequences of his actions exactly proportional to his actions. 

Why wait?

If you are able to do it then...why wait?

I'll be frank here...control of a large sum of money is an important thing.  Not a good plan to use that as the first time to introduce a new concept into the relationship.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

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