Does anyone feel bad about depression caused by their parents ?

[Cloudy009]

Having a BPD NPD Mom and NPD most likely dad. I was put down, manipulated, singled out by both of them as the scapegoat child to pick on and tear down. My mom on one occasion sexually assaulted me when I was 12. I was always depressed my whole life it seems except when I had positive love around me from outsiders. I remember my siblings going to the beach in high school while I stayed home and chain smoked in my room thinking I was too depressed and weird as a person to go hang out with everyone. I felt like an old soul beyond my years. I was so abused I barely spoke as a kid. When I did make friends the abuse would get worse until I couldn't even speak to tell them whats happening and they drifted away. I'm always feeling down as an adult still and down on myself and I'm starting to feel like I've become a messed up human now too. I don't want to be the person who is always having some negative feelings going on. I def. don't want to burden anyone else with my problems but I don't know how to grow out of depression and anxiety. After thinking for years my depression was my own brain I'm now looking back and thinking wow anyone would have been depressed in my situation maybe its not all me. I'm sad this is what my life has become as an adult.I wish I had broken free and learned how to gravitate towards healthy people at a younger age. I'm hoping to start to do this now even though my life situation is a mess in many ways from the remnants of a bad childhood. It seems like society is set up to diagnose you with a mental disorder like depression or judge you for your place in life but nobody takes into account anymore as an adult everything in your childhood which effected your adult life. Does anyone else feel this way?

[isilme]

Society needs to get over itself and people need to feel free to talk (or not) about their depression.  BUT, it's also up to you to learn to not let the depression define you.  It's not the sum total of who you are - I know it can feel that way, but it's not. 

I am NC with ALL my family of origin.  I am essentially an orphan.  It can be sad-making, but it's also necessary, so like amputating a gangrenous foot, I needed to "amputate" a gangrenous family.  I am currently trying to fight what seems to be a chronic illness, likely made worse by some childhood hang-ups I seem to have about taking care of myself - I suck at it.  Taking care of others - I will walk to hell and abck.  Me?  I have to be threatened with being admitted to a hospital.  I have been so depressed I have considered self-harm, spent hours crying, and knew I needed to pull myself back from that precipice. 

Writing here helps.  Even if you're not ready o able to go into therapy (I have trust issues with counselors, can't do it), writing on here can help so much.  No one here is going to judge you, and we all get it.  To some degree, we've been there, bringing us here. 

I'm not sure of your age, I will say that for me, the older I've gotten, the less I feel I can care about how much other people think I am strange.  I think they are strange, so what?  I try to be polite, don't seek to hurt them so they should leave me be and I'll do the same. 

The simple things that make me happy aren't for everyone, and I'm fine with that.  Books make me happy.  Time to sit and read, undisturbed, without feeling guilty I need to be doing something else, makes me happy.  Watching even cheesy horror movies late on a Friday night with my husband, with a bowl of popcorn between us makes me happy.  My cats make me happy.  Trying to help the local animal shelter as I can via crowd sharing and donations when possible makes me happy.  Having a few very close friends even if I can't see them often makes me happy.  If I feel better, and have energy, a trip to the beach would make me happy, to sit in the sun with an umbrella drink and listen to the waves.  Listening to music I like while doing chores makes me happy.  Or in the shower. 

What do you like?  Does anything make you feel better than other days?  Do you get much sunlight?  Do you have any interaction right now with other people, even if just to go to school or work?  If you didn't worry about being "weird" what would you want to go do with other people?  Or even on your own? 

[CautiousHopeful]

Hi Cloudy009,

I wish I had broken free and learned how to gravitate towards healthy people at a younger age. I'm hoping to start to do this now even though my life situation is a mess in many ways from the remnants of a bad childhood. It seems like society is set up to diagnose you with a mental disorder like depression or judge you for your place in life but nobody takes into account anymore as an adult everything in your childhood which effected your adult life. Does anyone else feel this way?

Thanks for your post and yes I have felt that way. It is hard not to carry these things into adulthood, and yes it can be challenging in that we are trying to function in the world with this baggage which we can feel isolated in carrying. But the fact you are reaching out for support is a great sign and means you are looking for answers, and it is never too late to do that. I am in my mid-40s and only really finally gradually learning to trust myself and that I can develop inner resources to help myself, whereas I have felt disoriented for much of my life and have had difficulty moving forward.

Sometimes things like depression and anxiety can feel like they will be there forever and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But this is just the nature of being in those states, and we can come out of them. For me, if I have been depressed in my life it is because I have felt stuck and haven't been able to find a way through at the time, and that's when the world seemed to lose its colour and life energy. But everything fluctuates, and I've been able to draw on memories and experiences where I have felt a sense of hope or life spark that is different from being stuck, and I think these are islands you can start to grow (if that makes sense?) where you create your own world of safety and hope.

I was so abused I barely spoke as a kid.

Yes I can relate to this. I hardly spoke at all. If someone asked me how I was I would always answer 'good'. I actually even sometimes still do this now, and someone recently challenged me on it and said 'But how are you really?', and it encouraged me to actually communicate what I was actually feeling. For me I think it was a defence mechanism, a way of deflecting people as fast as possible because nothing really felt safe. My school report cards nearly always said I was very quiet. But I am slowly learning to use my voice. Given your experiences, it is very understandable you would have been this way and it can be a protective thing, especially if the world didn't feel safe.

Have you got something you can think of that brings you some joy, comfort or peace? I think isilme asked some good questions there, about what you like, what makes you feel better etc. Sometimes that can be the beginning of turning things around.

I know it is hard to operate in the world with the wounds that we carry, and yes that world is not always understanding of our past. But sometimes the wounds themselves are a point of healing and can also become our strength. I read something once about scar tissue from a wound being stronger than skin, and often there is a hidden strength in us because of what we have had to survive. There is also a Leonard Cohen quote: 'There is a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in.' 

[Cloudy009]

Thanks guys! Sorry its taken me a bit to respond. I'm sorry you guys have struggled to. There are def things which make me happy in life. I'm coming off an anti anxiety drug which is in turn making my anxiety and depression and zest for life worse at the moment but hopefully I come back to life soon. I guess I'm just feeling introspective and realizing how I thought so long I was a depressed person and so much of it had to do with living in abusive households and then trying to get over the trauma as an adult. I can own my weird but I feel like I get picked on as an adult even in social situations at times because I'm awkward. Its hard because people don't just laugh along with me they have literally ganged up on me and been mean to me even in places of work. I know thats on them but it get hard because I actually like socializing and having friends but people can tell my confidence is off due to my parents constantly knocking it down. It then because cycle where they are mean and I feel like everyone hates me like my parents did and the family my Mom turned against me. Its hard because people can't see how I got this way. Sometimes I say I had a rough childhood hoping they will take that into account but even if I told my whole story its hard for people to really grasp how stuff effected you. I guess as an adult it feels like even saying I had a bad childhood isn't an excuse anymore but its def. why I feel depressed at times and lack self confidence, have a hard time making eye contact and getting close to people.

[CautiousHopeful]

I guess as an adult it feels like even saying I had a bad childhood isn't an excuse anymore but its def. why I feel depressed at times and lack self confidence, have a hard time making eye contact and getting close to people.

Hi Cloudy009,
I think finding it hard to make eye contact and get close to people can be caused by a lack of safety and security experienced in childhood. Several years ago I thought I might be on the autism spectrum because I have these things also. I contacted an autism consultant and had some discussions with her. She asked me about aspects of my childhood and when I described those things to her she said she thought that my struggles with being close to people, eye contact etc were more likely the result of trauma and a lack of healthy mirroring from caregivers, as well as being signs of dissociation where I kind of froze and withdrew into myself in order to try to feel safe.

I went back and looked at photos of me with both my mother and father when I was a small baby. My mother looks disconnected from me and is holding me kind of away from her, and I look troubled and uncomfortable. My mother looks like a statue as if her eyes are not seeing. My father, on the other hand, is holding me in a loving way and I look peaceful. By the time I was 4 or 5, however, my dad had become aggressive both verbally and physically, but only towards my brother and I, not our mother. I think he was taking out the lack of love and connection from our mother on us. He stayed like this until I was in early adulthood when he started to mellow a bit and even apologised for some of his earlier behaviour.

So I am thinking that if our parents couldn't provide that safe connectivity where they looked at us and engaged with us with love, it is not surprising that we may find being close to others and making eye contact difficult. We did not have safety mirrored back to us in their faces. It was helpful to see the early photo of my dad with me, because he actually looks loving in it, but by the time I have my first memories of him, his face was contorted with rage and aggression a lot of the time.

I think feeling safer in social situations is something that can be learned bit by bit, and I understand the things you say about feeling vulnerable and also being ganged up on in places of work. I have felt this way at times because I have never understood things like people forming cliques, people gossiping, people manipulating others etc, and have also been extremely slow at recognising when other people are taking advantage of me. I feel like most of the time I am trying to survive each minute, let alone process the complexities of social dynamics.

I think the answer might be gradually finding 'your people' so to speak - people you can relate to and share some interests with, and most importantly people who are good people with no agenda to use or take advantage of you. Then I think it becomes possible to start to have healthy mirroring relationships where there is mutual respect and healthy validation of one another.

I think good therapy can potentially provide the development of healthy mirroring. Unfortunately my first experience of therapy didn't work so well because the therapist was not very grounded and not really a stable person to work with, but I am now looking to find someone who is grounded and stable with healthy boundaries. When therapy does work, I think it starts to enable the development of trust and a sense of safety, and this can be the beginning of finding connection with others easier. But this can also be through finding one or two healthy friendships as well. I've found that having a couple of really good, genuine friendships with kind, caring people is better than having lots of friendships that might not be that healthy or are kind of superficial.

You may find you get to meet some people with similar experiences to yourself, who get what it is to have a challenging childhood and how that affects us into adulthood. People who haven't had such experiences may not be able to understand your childhood experiences, but that's ok. Just keep believing in yourself, and I think given some of the things you've been through you are probably much stronger and wiser than you even imagine, and you will have compassion for others because you know what it is to struggle in life. Compassion is a great strength, and remember to be compassionate towards yourself too! 

[Shona]

Sounds like you went through a lot as a child.  Don't underestimate the effect that can have on you now.
You can get counselling, phychology, therepy, go on medication, and these can help especially in the beginning, but sometimes the basics help even more!  Things like aerobic exercise (meaning you are puffing); a good diet; yoga/meditation (heaps free stuff online); stopping your negative thoughts (a must), and researching personal development can get much better results without the high costs or side effects!  I'm reading a book called "the depression cure, how to beat depression without drugs" by steve ilardi.
Finding something that you are good at and enjoy helps, and meeting people through that appreciate your personality quirks.  Reading how to win friends and influence people can teach you tricks to be more likable.  The list goes on...
Here's hoping you can find a way though this  xx