Having a really hard time

[Theperfectsky]

I was home almost all last week with a sick 1yo. Then my son got sick Thursday night. UBPDbf isnt helping me at all. My 1 yo daughter wants me to hold her all the time because im sure she doesn't feel safe because her dad is always being chaotic.there are chores to do. My son is throwing up and im just running back and forth. He left to go to the gym. He has been avoiding any conversation that has to do with him walking oit of counseling last weekend or his actions of last weekend and pretty much ignoring me. Tries to have sex with me yesterday is mad that I won't. Says I'm not safe to talk to because I use it against him later in counseling. Which I said thats what counseling is- tell the truth of your life and work through it. Ive been trying to find a place to live its been unsuccessful. Its too expensive. I'm so overwhlemed. I feel like I'm going to explode.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi perfectsky,

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Dealing with sick kids is stressful enough by itself without added stress from a difficult relationship. I understand why you are overwhelmed

What was the counselor's reaction when your bf walked out? Were you able to talk to the T alone for a while?

It sounds like he isn't willing to discuss anything that might suggest that he has some issues that need work. Can you continue with the counselor by yourself if he doesn't go back?

[Theperfectsky]

She didnt have one really. She just told me good luck and asked what it is I wanted to do and she suggested I might need to leave the relationship. She said she would reach out to him for individual therapy.

I have my own counselor I go to. That one was a couples therapist so no I wont see her again.

[Ozzie101]

That really is a super-stressful situation and I'm so sorry.

How are things going this morning? Are the kids feeling any better?

I believe you said in another thread that you moved to your current location to be with him. You're looking for another place to live. Is going back to your family an option for you?

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad you have your own T to go to. It's interesting that the couple's counselor suggested that you might want to leave the relationship after seeing him walk out of therapy. I'm not sure, but his exit sounds like an extreme form of stonewalling- refusing to discuss certain issues. Apparently he doesn't want to look at himself truthfully at all.

How often do you see your own T? Have you discussed your desire to move out and your frustrations with the expense of it with your counselor?

[Theperfectsky]

That really is a super-stressful situation and I'm so sorry.

How are things going this morning? Are the kids feeling any better?

My son still doesnt feel good. Baby is doing better. They are both at daycare and im back at work. He leaves before I do. He again tried to have sex with me last night. And before he went to bed he said this is the last kiss before Its over. I said thats what you want? He didnt answer. Of course when I told him no about sex that that wasnt going to solve anything he physically pushed me away in the bed and he said thats the last time im trying. It hurts so bad. He has completely cut off the emotional connection

I believe you said in another thread that you moved to your current location to be with him. You're looking for another place to live. Is going back to your family an option for you?

Yes I did move here to be with him. No going back to my family isnt an option there is no space for me and my children

[Theperfectsky]

I'm glad you have your own T to go to. It's interesting that the couple's counselor suggested that you might want to leave the relationship after seeing him walk out of therapy. I'm not sure, but his exit sounds like an extreme form of stonewalling- refusing to discuss certain issues. Apparently he doesn't want to look at himself truthfully at all.

How often do you see your own T? Have you discussed your desire to move out and your frustrations with the expense of it with your counselor?

I see her every Friday. Yes i have. I need to apply for govt assistance. I really just have a lot of things i need to get in order. Idk where to even start. I moved my entire life here. I dont want to leave him. I love him but idk what else to do. My T thinks he has a lot more going on than just BPD. My mind is just a mess.

[Theperfectsky]

At this point its been over a week of minimal convo. Normally I would have been the one to "give in" and be intimate with him and then hed be fine. I know he has to have sex to feel close to me. And eventually he would probably talk to me. But I'm not fine. I'm tired of doing that. He walked out of therapy and after his drinking binge and cutting himself and all the things he said, therapy wasn't a choice for him. it was a necessity. It was mandatory. I'm so sick of going in circles. I'm so tired of the mental emotional abuse and my children witnessing it. Thats why I'm standing my ground. But he continues to try and kiss me or "come on kiss me" "you know what I want" "give it to me" and I just continue to say no. How he thinks that I would want to be intimate with him is crazy to me! He has literally barely talked to me. And when he does its assholeish. Hes completely just shut off his emotional connection to me. If I give in I'm just going to be so hurt because sex is emotional for me. And it will be only a matter of time before he shuts me out again. I'm starving for his emotional connection 

[once removed]

Says I'm not safe to talk to because I use it against him later in counseling. Which I said thats what counseling is- tell the truth of your life and work through it.

couples counseling is tricky going, and failure is not uncommon.

often times, one or both partners go into it with hope that the counselor/therapist will take their side and fix their partner.

but ideally, couples counseling or therapy is to get both parties on the same page, tackling conflict together, with a new understanding, and some new tools in their tool belt.

the number one thing i encourage when a couple attempts couples counseling or therapy is to spend a lot of the early time primarily just listening rather than making their case.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry you are going through this, perfectsky.   

It's completely understandable that you would not feel like physical intimacy with someone who is treating you in such a disrespectful manner. He doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that his behavior is having such a negative impact on you, yet he expects you to satisfy his needs and applies pressure to you when you say no. Of course you don't feel like being intimate with him; he hasn't created a safe space for that to happen.

Have you spoken to your counselor about the ways in which he pressures you without considering your needs?

I can imagine what level of stress you are under. I experienced the same type of stonewalling, emotional abuse, and then pressure to still have a sexual relationship. I couldn't believe he would even think I would want to be intimate with him, either, after the hurtful things he said to me. I think he more or less thought that sex would restore closeness and he wouldn't have to face the shame of his behavior. It was like that would instantly generate forgiveness and a clean slate, and we would be "okay" again without a discussion that was too uncomfortable for him to face.

[Theperfectsky]

I'm sorry you are going through this, perfectsky.   

It's completely understandable that you would not feel like physical intimacy with someone who is treating you in such a disrespectful manner. He doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that his behavior is having such a negative impact on you, yet he expects you to satisfy his needs and applies pressure to you when you say no. Of course you don't feel like being intimate with him; he hasn't created a safe space for that to happen.

Have you spoken to your counselor about the ways in which he pressures you without considering your needs?

I can imagine what level of stress you are under. I experienced the same type of stonewalling, emotional abuse, and then pressure to still have a sexual relationship. I couldn't believe he would even think I would want to be intimate with him, either, after the hurtful things he said to me. I think he more or less thought that sex would restore closeness and he wouldn't have to face the shame of his behavior. It was like that would instantly generate forgiveness and a clean slate, and we would be "okay" again without a discussion that was too uncomfortable for him to face.

Wow. That is EXACTLY it! So what did you do?

We didn't really talk about it much. I try to focus on myself in T. Last week we did some EMDR T

[I Am Redeemed]

Wow. That is EXACTLY it! So what did you do?

We didn't really talk about it much. I try to focus on myself in T. Last week we did some EMDR T

I gave in to him to keep the peace, and sometimes for my physical safety. In my situation, I felt like I did not have another choice. However, doing that fostered a lot of resentment towards him that I couldn't hide, and caused some really deep-seated trauma that I was not even aware of, until I started doing my own EMDR T sessions.

I would encourage you to talk to your T about this. It is about you, and how you are being affected.

EMDR is really awesome   it helped so much for me in just a few sessions, and I am currently waiting for approval for some more sessions.

 

[Theperfectsky]

I gave in to him to keep the peace, and sometimes for my physical safety. In my situation, I felt like I did not have another choice. However, doing that fostered a lot of resentment towards him that I couldn't hide, and caused some really deep-seated trauma that I was not even aware of, until I started doing my own EMDR T sessions.

I would encourage you to talk to your T about this. It is about you, and how you are being affected.

EMDR is really awesome   it helped so much for me in just a few sessions, and I am currently waiting for approval for some more sessions.

 

Yea my T said to be careful with that (giving in ) cause I could start disassociating and then teaching that to my children. Are you still with him?

Yea that was my first time. We just did the "go to the happy place" when feeling overwhelmed. I can't do it on my own though. I need that machine  I got to focused on the tapping and couldn't focus on visualizing my happy place. I'll see what she says tomorrow about that

[once removed]

I'm starving for his emotional connection 

Tps,

id be the last person to suggest you have sex with your partner when youre feeling hurt, after a fight, or even frankly if youre just not in the mood.

what i am suggesting is that the current path (not talking, lots of tension, rejecting each other) isnt sustainable either, and things are getting worse.

i dont think the solution is "giving in" or necessarily makeup sex.

i do think the solution would be more constructive communication and leading the way to that emotional connection.

right now, you both feel under attack. the two of you had a very bad experience in couples counseling. you let loose a lot of stuff, and you say he felt painted as a monster. he lashed out about it (not constructive) but got shut down when he tried to make up.

in other words, both of you right now are hurt, kinda see the other as the enemy, and dont want to be vulnerable.

its understandable, but its deteriorating that emotional connection.

how and where can you meet in the middle and resolve the conflict?

[Theperfectsky]

Tps,

id be the last person to suggest you have sex with your partner when youre feeling hurt, after a fight, or even frankly if youre just not in the mood.

what i am suggesting is that the current path (not talking, lots of tension, rejecting each other) isnt sustainable either, and things are getting worse.

i dont think the solution is "giving in" or necessarily makeup sex.

i do think the solution would be more constructive communication and leading the way to that emotional connection.

right now, you both feel under attack. the two of you had a very bad experience in couples counseling. you let loose a lot of stuff, and you say he felt painted as a monster. he lashed out about it (not constructive) but got shut down when he tried to make up.

in other words, both of you right now are hurt, kinda see the other as the enemy, and dont want to be vulnerable.

its understandable, but its deteriorating that emotional connection.

how and where can you meet in the middle and resolve the conflict?

That's exactly what I'm wondering. Idk what to do.

[once removed]

we have a workshop here on adopting a problem solving model: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331852

is there anything you can gleam (both in general and in this specific situation) that you think could help here?

is there any solution others reading might see?