I became BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just feeling really sad about my teenage years.  I recognize now that all my romantic relationships from 17 to 20 something were driven by my own BPD behaviours.

I emerged from childhood with depression, anxiety, poor self regulation and self hate.  I feel ashamed of how I behaved and what I allowed to happen to me.  Did anyone else act out as a teenager?  I was taught I was worthless so I allowed myself to be treated like trash.  I feel intense sorrow and pain about these things but part of me is  angry. 

Who should I be angry at? Myself, my mum or the people who did these things?  Or should I just let it go? 

[Zabava]

Just feeling really sad about my teenage years.  I recognize now that all my romantic relationships from 17 to 20 something were driven by my own BPD behaviours.

I emerged from childhood with depression, anxiety, poor self regulation and self hate.  I feel ashamed of how I behaved and what I allowed to happen to me.  Did anyone else act out as a teenager?  I was taught I was worthless so I allowed myself to be treated like trash.  I feel intense sorrow and pain about these things but part of me is  angry. 

Who should I be angry at? Myself, my mum or the people who did these things?  Or should I just let it go? 

[rolney]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad about things that happened to you and your responses to them at the time.  We all respond the only way we know how to a given situation and later learn that there may have been a better way. By "better" I dont mean that what we did was wrong necessarily, but it didn't work for us at the time or we wouldn't be here discussing it now .

I have learned in my life that letting the past control me now affects my future. I try to let go of all the stuff that, frankly, can't be fixed now. I try now to consider my response to anything with the future in mind..."if I do this could that have a negative impact down the line". I guess I live in the land of consequence and accept I cannot control how another person behaves and reacts so inviting them into my emotional life could be a risky business. I have not perfected this by any stretch of the imagination but life is a work in progress.

[Notwendy]

Teens can act BPD-ish. Raging hormones and emotions, peer oriented self image, impulsive behaviors, are in ways biologically driven at this stage of childhood development.

Not all teens act out, but the teen age years can be an emotional time for them.

As a mother who went through these teen years with kids, there were a few moments I was scared by their mood swings which reminded me of my mother. Then, they thankfully grew up a bit. My task as a parent was to love them through it, maintain boundaries, while allowing them the space to grow into adults, and keep a handle on my own emotions when they were emotional.

There are some things I regret during my early dating years. I was very co-dependent and people pleasing. I was afraid to be myself and stand up for myself. I didn't expect people to treat me well, thankfully my close friends did. Considering how I was raised, I know that this is not something I could have helped at the time.

I think part of healing our inner child is to also forgive ourselves and let go of the inner critic. It would have probably been easier if we had a mother who could love us through those emotional years, but we didn't have stable mothers to do that. We can do that. I hope you can realize that you were lovable then, even if teens are tough to deal with sometimes.

[Panda39]

Hi Zabava,

I'm on these boards because my partner has an uBPDxw.  I don't have a BPD mom but I do have a very critical and controlling mother who I always tried to please and be what she wanted and because of my relationship with her I often find I identify with things said here.

I was the rebellious acting out kid particularly 14 & 15.  It was the mid 70's sex, drugs, and rock n roll.  I was never good enough (B+/A- student/popular).  I think in my adolescent brain I thought I might as well act like my mom expected me to.  I had the boyfriend 2 years older than me (who knowing what I know now think was BPD), who rode a motorcycle, I did drugs, I lost my virginity, I did not attend school essentially all of 9th grade (okay so I went to "Social Living" that would be Sex Ed and Driver's Ed - these were relevant in my twisted little mind), I was running away from home, the whole shooting match.

At the time I'm sure I didn't realize what was behind it, but low self-esteem loomed large, feeling unloved as my true authentic self, always feeling wrong, feeling that I didn't deserve good things/love...that I would never be good enough and trying to seek my value through others.

But I look back at that time without regret.  I did stupid things galore (that truly hurt myself more than anyone else) but I also grew and learned from the risks I took, the people I met, the situations I found myself in.

Don't beat up your teenage self, she did what she did because of her circumstances, her immaturity, her search for love and connection etc.  Looking back at her now she is teaching you  things.  Mistakes are learning opportunities.

Panda39

[Harri]

Did anyone else act out as a teenager?

Yes, I did.  I turned a lot of my behaviors inward and things could have been much worse for me, but I was rebellious and had a major attitude problem.   I got into drugs (mostly weed, speed and a bit of coke--- I was too poor to get too involved in the latter and too scared to rob stores to support a coke habit so I guess that is good!   . 

I don't see how any of us got through without at least a few dysfunctional behaviors.  I know I didn't.  I had a hard time admitting that years ago when I really focused on recovery but now I am okay with it.  Not happy, but okay.

   I feel ashamed of how I behaved and what I allowed to happen to me.

I think recognizing how you behaved and feeling bad about it is healthy as long as you are willing to work through it and not let the shame fester inside of you.

What do you mean when you say "allowed to happen to me"?  Can we talk about that some more?

[Zabava]

Harri,

As a teenager I found an outlet for my grief and anger in substance abuse and promiscuity.  At the same time I felt like I was super liberated and edgy (cringe)

Looking back there were times when I gave away my control.  One incident in particular has haunted me.

[Harri]

Hi.  There is something I learned about a few years ago while posting here.  It is the idea of conditioned choice.  A poster here told me that when I was berating myself for making the choice to continue to live in my parents home, well into my 30's, with my mother continuing to sexually abuse me (in addition to the verbal and emotional abuse).  I chose to stay even when I had gotten away 2 times, I went back.  I was in my 30's. 

Often times, when we think we are allowing something to happen or have made a choice, we are choosing what we know.  We choose based on the conditioning we have had while growing up.  What seems like free choice or things we allow to happen are in fact, sometimes, things we were/are conditioned to accept.

It is important for you to talk about the things that shame you the most.  If you do it here, that is fine.  You are safe here and we will support you.    If you'd rather not talk here, and you haven't already, talk with your T.   Get some light on this when you are ready.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

I feel intense sorrow and pain about these things but part of me is  angry.  

Who should I be angry at? Myself, my mum or the people who did these things?  Or should I just let it go?  

I would say allow yourself to feel whatever it is your feeling and try to sit through those feelings so you can arrive at a point where you can let go. We cannot change the past, but I think it's understandable that you are now having these feelings now that you are looking at yourself and your past 'through new eyes'. It takes time, often more time than we might like, to process these kinds of difficult memories and emotions.

You were raised in a certain environment and since that environment basically was your whole world, it makes total sense that you could/would pick up certain not necessarily healthy behaviors. That is something many of us have experienced. Fortunately, these unhealthy behaviors and no longer constructive coping mechanisms can also be unlearned or at least better managed through commitment and hard work, like the work you are doing here  Acknowledging your feelings and the unhealthy behaviors you see/saw in yourself, is already a huge step forward which will allow you to grow and heal even more

Looking back there were times when I gave away my control.  One incident in particular has haunted me.

I am very sorry this incident has haunted you so. Remembering these kinds of thing can be quite triggering and there's also a risk of re-traumatizing yourself. That's why it's important to pace yourself as you go through the healing process. We are indeed here to talk and support you

Do you feel like this incident has affected you later on in life?

The Board Parrot

[Zabava]

Board Parrot,

I'm realizing that I can't process everything all at once.  My past attempts to remember and grieve the past have led to deep depression or BPD like dysregulation.

My T said the same thing about re-traumatizing myself.  I think part of my need to remember and reexperience everything is a because I need evidence...Part of me still thinks I am lying about the abuse. 

I guess the main way the incident affects me now is that it makes me very emotional.   I had very little concern for my safety and emotional wellbeing and neither did anyone around me at the time.

[JNChell]

Hello, Zabava. Don’t worry. Many of us here have been where you’re at.

I'm realizing that I can't process everything all at once.

This is understandable and normal to feel. You’ll come to realize that this process happens in steps. Sometimes forward, and sometimes backwards. It’s not linear. Think about it like this. Don’t try to process everything at once. Pick out parts that are at the front of your mind and deal with those first. Layer by layer, with committed work, you’ll feel better. Time will help as well.

My T said the same thing about re-traumatizing myself.  I think part of my need to remember and reexperience everything is a because I need evidence...Part of me still thinks I am lying about the abuse.

  Abuse, at the end of the day, is a hard thing to lie to ourselves about. I went through a long stretch where I didn’t think about it. I guess that I was too busy being young and restless. I didn’t put 2 and 2 together on why I was doing things that I now wish I hadn’t. Whatever, that’s the past. What matters now is the present. Right now in this moment I can make a decision on my own that isn’t influenced by dysfunctional behavior. That decision can be as little as getting up (after being told to sit down). I can eat what I want and say what I want.

I understand how deep this stuff goes. Ultimately, it comes down to us and how we choose to respond to the abuse that we had to suffer. We will never get answers or closure from those people.

You’ve been given good advice. It’s important to feel your emotions and not suppress them. Word of advice, stuffing your feelings will not benefit you. Talk about them with your T and talk about them here. Process them.

It does get better. Much better. I know it doesn’t feel like that right now, but it gets better.

[Zabava]

So I arrived at a university 500km from my hometown. I had a lot of hopes and very little sense.  I liked a boy in my residence and I guess it was obvious.  There was a party and the boy and his friend were bartending.  I found out after that they put 3 shots instead of one into my drinks.  I remember letting the boys throw me around like a football...hahaha.  I had 13 drinks (I know because there was a tab)  I am 5 foot 2 and at that time 105 pounds.  I guess I'm lucky I didn't die.  Anyway, things happened and I woke up in the boy's room.  He asked me to leave and never spoke to me again.  I lived with the shame of it day in and day out.  I know it was my fault, I just wish I had more maturity and self respect.

[Harri]

Zabava, thanks for sharing that with us.  I know it takes a lot of courage to be that vulnerable.   

I am sorry they did that to you.  It was vile behavior on their part to drug you and take your power away by getting you drunk like they did and then committing a criminal act against you.  You are not responsible for their behavior nor did you cause them to act this way.  That is on them.  What they did is sexual assault. 

I know it was my fault, I just wish I had more maturity and self respect.

It was not your fault.  Not one bit of it.  Looking back from years down the road and thinking of what you might have done and judging yourself back then based on what you know now is not fair to you.  It was not your fault.

I am here and can listen to you so please chat more.  Also, I want to make sure you have other resources so I am going to send you a PM with them. 

You will come through this Zabava.  You took a huge step in making this post and I am glad you trust us enough to share.  You will feel better.  You will feel stronger. 

I've got ya.   

[JNChell]

Zabava, I’m with Harri. You’re very brave to share your experience, and it was by no means, your fault. Those boys were and possibly still are very weak individuals to do something like that to you. Sounds like prison material to me. What is evident in the here and now is that you have survived a terrible past. You made it, and like many of us here, you’re talking about it. That’s a big deal and you should be proud of it. It shows your strength and true grit.

Do you feel like moving forward a bit, or would you like to discuss the things that are bothering you more? Both are fine and we’re here to support you. I’m glad that you found this place, Zabava.

[Zabava]

Don't know JNChell.  I feel embarrased to have shared but at the same time it has weighed on me a long time.  Not because I blame anyone. 18 year olds can be pretty stupid and things get out of hand.  It's more that what happened to me reflects how ill prepared I was to deal with life. 

I think all my years of living with my BPD mum telling me to not feel, shut up, trust no one made me seek love, connection, whatever, no matter what the cost.

At the same time I internalized my mother's belief that dating or even having male friends meant you were a bad person. 

[Zabava]

For the record, I have a lot of compassion for young men and women in these situations.  Alcohol and hormones are a bad mix and things get confusing.  I was in university 30 years ago and thankfully there is more awareness nowadays.

[JNChell]

I’m sorry that you feel embarrassed and I want you to know that I understand your feelings and that I wish you didn’t feel that way.  

You’re right, crazy things can happen at that age. I did so much that I wish I hadn’t done. Things that I hope my Son never even thinks of doing.

I see a lot of self awareness in one simple comment that you made, and self awareness is very important.its the comment you made about being ill prepared. I think that this is a place where we can shed some responsibility. We were not properly taught about...anything. However, being forced to learn on our own has, in some ways, been a gift. Yes, we still have mud to trudge through, but we see things for what they are. We haven’t accepted the BS. We defy it.

It sounds like your mum was projecting her feelings onto you pretty extensively. It’s hard to change how we were molded. Or, I should say, how they tried to mold us. You are strong and didn’t allow it and I commend the hell out of you for staying strong for so long. I understand the pain and exhaustion that is attached to that. Where do you go from here? What’s the next step forward for Zabava?

[Harri]

Not because I blame anyone.

Maybe soon you can begin to apply this to yourself

For the record, I have a lot of compassion for young men and women in these situations.  Alcohol and hormones are a bad mix and things get confusing.  I was in university 30 years ago and thankfully there is more awareness nowadays.

Yes, awareness is greater now.  I find it remarkable that you can have such insight and understanding for them... and I can see you have it for yourself as well, at least up to a point.   Talking about this is the way through a lot of the shame.  Share with those who are safe, like here.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava,

It isn't easy opening up about things like this and I am very sorry those boys/men did that to you.

I found out after that they put 3 shots instead of one into my drinks.

This is 100% on them.

So I arrived at a university 500km from my hometown. I had a lot of hopes and very little sense. I liked a boy in my residence and I guess it was obvious.
...
Anyway, things happened and I woke up in the boy's room.  He asked me to leave and never spoke to me again.

This to me sounds like he might have put some planning in it, to get what he wanted from you after identifying you as a potential target.

I lived with the shame of it day in and day out.  I know it was my fault, I just wish I had more maturity and self respect.

I feel embarrased to have shared but at the same time it has weighed on me a long time.

Shame is a powerful negative emotion that can be like an invisible prison. Pete Walker who is quoted quite a lot around here says this about shame and about sharing:
"Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them."

You feeling shame does not mean you are shameful and you sharing what happened to you here, can actually help you break free from that shame that has been weighing you down

They were 18 year olds, we can say 18 year old boys, but we can also say 18 year old men. They saw a vulnerable potential victim, a girl alone 500km from her hometown. The boy noticed you liked him and what did he do? Together with two of his friends he put 3 shots in your drink instead of 1. And after that their behavior only got worse.

It's more that what happened to me reflects how ill prepared I was to deal with life.  

I think all my years of living with my BPD mum telling me to not feel, shut up, trust no one made me seek love, connection, whatever, no matter what the cost.

At the same time I internalized my mother's belief that dating or even having male friends meant you were a bad person.  

One's we know better we can do better. The reality is that no matter how young or ill prepared you were, those boys/men violated you and that's on them. They deliberately gave you an excessive amount of alcohol in what seems a premeditated act, and did not respect your physical boundaries at all. And as been said in this thread before, this type of behavior is a crime and constitutes sexual assault.

You internalized your mother's belief that dating or having male friends meant you're a bad person. I can see how this would only intensify that sense of shame. I want to make a distinction here though. Those three boys got you drunk and sexually assaulted you, that's something totally different than dating. Dating is consensual, this was not. Also, real friends don't do this to you so they also don't classify as male friends. A more appropriate classification would be male sexual predators.

Your longing and searching for love and connection is only natural. As humans we are essentially social beings who need nurturing and when you don't get the love at home, it makes sense that you go looking for it elsewhere. Many of us have done that too and unfortunately, that has often resulted in no to ideal experiences.

I am glad you are sharing your story with us. It is painful and I can imagine also somewhat scary sharing these things, but I do believe talking about what happened to you will allow you to move forward and heal some of your past wounds

The Board Parrot

[Zabava]

I don't think I'll ever resolve in my head whether or not what happened to me was assault.  In all honesty I started the whole thing by brazenly flirting. 

Looking back I was very naive and immature.  All I know is that this experience weighs on me and makes me feel very sad even after all these years.  I don't know why.  I have struggled to feel angry about it, just as I have struggled to feel anger about my childhood. Sometimes I think that the intense sadness and distress I feel is a way to avoid the anger.   I fear my rage, but I know it's in there. Sorry to ramble. Just feeling bad.

[JNChell]

Zabava, this is a very strong subject and not one that I’ve encountered while being a member here. I don’t really know what to say. I’m sorry that the event is haunting you. It happened and can’t be reversed. What I do see in your testimony is self awareness. That’s a very important thing to possess. I know that you’re hurting. Be gentle with yourself. Recognize your rage and place it aside. Look at it and see it for what it is. I wasn’t able to do that, and I acted on my rage. It was a huge setback.

It sounds like you’re trying to process 2 things at once. Your childhood and an occurrence that bothers you. Can you process both at once, or would you like to discuss one before moving onto the other? It helps to structure these things.

[Harri]

It is okay Zabava.  Maybe the label is not critical to you for healing and gaining some peace.  

In all honesty I started the whole thing by brazenly flirting.

I am not seeing the connection between your flirting and the guys tampering with your drinks and what happened after.  Can you elaborate?

All I know is that this experience weighs on me and makes me feel very sad even after all these years.  I don't know why.  I have struggled to feel angry about it, just as I have struggled to feel anger about my childhood. Sometimes I think that the intense sadness and distress I feel is a way to avoid the anger.   I fear my rage, but I know it's in there.

 Are you talking in general regarding your anger/rage or is it specific to this incident?  Do you know why you are scared of your anger/rage?  

[Zabava]

I think the sadness is about feeling worthless and unloveable.  The rage I think is about being treated abusively as a child.  You're right JNChell there are two different things going on for me.  I think I need to understand and accept that I was abused by my mum before I can move forward.

 My experience at university was the culmination of a series of self destructive behaviours starting in early adolescence.

Sorry to bring such a heavy topic here.  You are all so kind.

[JNChell]

Zabava, there is no need to apologize. We’re a community of heavy topics. You fit right in with us.   If you feel like it, what’s on your mind right now?