Won't help self

[Shona]

Hi
I am based in NZ with a sister in late 40's with BPD, and the family has watched the cycle that has gone over the years, and I am just wondering if others see this?
She goes from a very assertive phase which becomes harassment towards family members or people have helped her in the past.  This causes these people a lot of stress, and can go on for a year at a time.
She then moves into a stage of being unstable and won't accept help.  Then she hits rock bottom and often gets admitted into the pysch ward.
Then she goes through a phase of being compliant and nice, but suffers from huge anxiety and acts like a victim and won't help herself, even though she has all sorts of mental health workers working with her.  In the past she gets suicidal and the drs have her all serequil, which she takes all at once so she can go to sleep all day.  She has been in this phase for 5 mns now, although doesn't seem suicidal.
She is on a waiting list to see a physiologist for ages, and has a carer support and a social worker, but it seems obvious to me that she needs a specialist to talk to that has experience with dealing with cognitive thinking and how she can change her thoughts.  But the public system doesn't provide anything short term like that, other than psychologists which have such a long wait time.
I have offered her to come and stay at my house, where I have two of her older children (the youngest was taken off her shortly before she went into hospital 6 mns ago), but she won't accept any help.
Is it best just to leave her to process all this and get through this stage, or push the public system to do something (I have already made two complaints and am waiting to hear back from her pysiciatrist, as I don't think she should be given high doses of serequil (5/day) as they are just numbing her.
She is just so resistant to helping herself or accepting help!
 

[Turkish]

My mom was first put on Prozac for her depression,  and my mom hated how it made her feel, maybe numb as you say.   That was 1989.

Do you think you and the kids would be safe if she moved in? As my T put it many years later, "you have a home,  not a hospital, and your mom needs a hospital." I still felt I had to do something,  but the safety of me and my little kids (i felt because i take care of them) took precedence. 

[Shona]

LOL, no I was only going to let her stay temporarily for a week or something.  Won't make that mistake of letting her move in again!

[Harri]

Hi Shona and welcome to the board!  Glad to meet you. 

I am not sure how to help someone who refuses help and refuses to help their self.   What a difficult and heartbreaking situation.   

Is it best just to leave her to process all this and get through this stage, or push the public system to do something (I have already made two complaints and am waiting to hear back from her pysiciatrist, as I don't think she should be given high doses of serequil (5/day) as they are just numbing her.
She is just so resistant to helping herself or accepting help!

I would say both.  Leave her to process this as best she can while she continues to get support from the agencies she is already using *and* follow through by calling the psychiatrist so he/she knows how she is utilizing the meds. 

I am not sure how things work in NZ.  Do they require that someone is a danger to their self or others before they will intervene?  How has she acted in the past that has resulted in her being admitted?

Sorry, I have not answers for you!  I wish I did.  We can help you and support you though as you work through and process all of this.   

[Shona]

Thanks.

I was wondering if this was all normal BPD behavour?  eg going through the different cycles and not wanting to help self or accept help?

She is now in suicidal stage so I have pushed again for her to get some treatment and cc it to our prime minister!

[Hopeandjoy]

A pwBPD is a person who has been invalidated and overpowered in the past. Regardless of how she developed these behaviors, its up to her to find a new lifestyle. pwBPD lack life skills to take care of and hold on to their self in social interactions. They know that if they don't do anything, they get pushed over. It sounds like she's trying to "do something" by doing the opposite (becoming aggressive), then it blows up in her face and she gets saddled with the consequences. Unfortunately the psych ward and medications are not teaching her anything useful, she needs to find new ways of interacting with people that actually work.
You do not have to help your sister if you don't want to. It sounds like you would like to see her get better though. It's best to support without doing her job for her. learn how to properly assert yourself so that you can be happy despite her behavior. see your sister as a person equally deserving of respect and when she comes to you for help or you clash leave her diagnosis out of it. The idea of personality disorders is only a point of reference for a behavior set, so you can get information and reach out for help.
If you are trying to selvage a r/s with someone who has BPD, it's better for you to get treatment. Most of the time if you become a healthy person the pwBPD will learn from you and they will shift as well, depending on how much time you spend together.