Advice needed on how to handle Mother's Day - gift or no gift

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello all,
I am struggling and hoping for advice. Recently I posted about a really awful experience I had at my grandmother's funeral where I was reminded of my very dysfunctional family dynamics. Briefly, for the first time in 5 years I was in a room with both my estranged BPD mom and u-?BPD-?NPD sister with whom I am NC. Both made a point to reject me at every opportunity to the point that non-family noticed the bizarre behavior. While not entirely surprising based on our history, it has really made me reevaluate how I want to move forward. I have worked very hard to build an independent and happy life which is the major reason my BPD mom has pushed me away over time. Mom and I basically only speak on holidays and rare occasions as it is. Every year I send a bouquet of flowers and a note for Mother's Day, but it has felt more fake and forced every year. I used to send gifts, but discovered she would throw them away, so I stuck with flowers as they felt less of an investment of effort on my part, and thus less of a rejection if they were tossed. In the past I have continued this because it bothered me to stop sending flowers knowing it would be hurtful to my mother who would feel abandoned...as little as she deserves my affection, one of my core values as an adult has been doing what I can to avoid hurting other people after a lifetime of my own emotional needs being ignored.

I feel incredibly conflicted this year. She sent a very very clear message at this funeral that she is not interested in improving our situation. While I know in reality her estrangement from me is extremely painful to her, she continues to try to punish me, as this used to be her method of manipulating me to beg for her affections when I was young. Her cruelty has made me ask myself what is wrong with me that I consider sending flowers to my abuser. But I am STILL fundamentally bothered about the idea of sending nothing, not calling, and not texting on Mother's Day. It just feels so...final. I don't know. Maybe I'm in a bit of a FOG even still. If you have any advice or experience with this I would really appreciate hearing about it.

[GreenGlit]

Hello all,
I am struggling and hoping for advice. Recently I posted about a really awful experience I had at my grandmother's funeral where I was reminded of my very dysfunctional family dynamics. Briefly, for the first time in 5 years I was in a room with both my estranged BPD mom and u-?BPD-?NPD sister with whom I am NC. Both made a point to reject me at every opportunity to the point that non-family noticed the bizarre behavior. While not entirely surprising based on our history, it has really made me reevaluate how I want to move forward. I have worked very hard to build an independent and happy life which is the major reason my BPD mom has pushed me away over time. Mom and I basically only speak on holidays and rare occasions as it is. Every year I send a bouquet of flowers and a note for Mother's Day, but it has felt more fake and forced every year. I used to send gifts, but discovered she would throw them away, so I stuck with flowers as they felt less of an investment of effort on my part, and thus less of a rejection if they were tossed. In the past I have continued this because it bothered me to stop sending flowers knowing it would be hurtful to my mother who would feel abandoned...as little as she deserves my affection, one of my core values as an adult has been doing what I can to avoid hurting other people after a lifetime of my own emotional needs being ignored.

I feel incredibly conflicted this year. She sent a very very clear message at this funeral that she is not interested in improving our situation. While I know in reality her estrangement from me is extremely painful to her, she continues to try to punish me, as this used to be her method of manipulating me to beg for her affections when I was young. Her cruelty has made me ask myself what is wrong with me that I consider sending flowers to my abuser. But I am STILL fundamentally bothered about the idea of sending nothing, not calling, and not texting on Mother's Day. It just feels so...final. I don't know. Maybe I'm in a bit of a FOG even still. If you have any advice or experience with this I would really appreciate hearing about it.

[Notwendy]

I send flowers because I don't have to say anything on the card other than who it is from. I do sign "love" from my family and the children. I choose this because I can not find a card that I feel comfortable sending. They all read something like " to a wonderful mother, thanks for all you do"- listing all the things a mother would do. I can't even read them without feeling sad. So I don't. Sending flowers is easier for me so I do it. I don't know if she keeps them or not, but I do it because I feel better that I did.

A while back, she sent me an impersonal gift for a birthday. She usually doesn't send me anything. When I got the box, I got a small glimmer of hope. When I saw the gift, I cried. I recognize that it was the same thing she gives her hairdresser or her cleaning lady. I didn't care about the value. It was a realization that, I'm not really any closer to her than they are, which is part my doing. She has no idea what I would like or not. I guess she could ask me.

I never looked in the box but recently I did and found the gift card that goes along with it. It said "happy birthday" from mom. From, not love. So I guess that this is the sentiment she has for me. But I still sign "love" on the flowers because it feels cruel to me to say "from" to your own mother.

[No-One]

Sending flowers or a flowering plant might be the easiest option - with a short and polite note.  (i.e. azalea plants are in bloom)The only thing you have to think through is how you might respond if you get an acknowledgement.

If you can just decide to send flowers/plant and let it go by not ruminating about it, it could be your best decision.  Perhaps you might plan what your response choice might be if you get some acknowledgement from her.  Plan it out and then let it go.  If she calls on the phone, perhaps you let it go to voice mail.  If she sends you a text, you can not respond back or perhaps respond with an email (to prevent a texting storm). Write out your plan and put it aside.  Perhaps she might just not respond at all, which is okay.

If you decide to send flowers, but stress out about how she might react/respond, then it might not be your best choice.

[Harri]

Hi.

I agree with what has been said so far:  if you are going to send anything, a plant or flowers are the best way to go.  Paying attention to what you feel, separate from your mom, and acting on your values is the answer here.  I know it is hard to sort through all of that though.

I did get to the point where I did not extend a gift or a card on Mother's day.  The first year I still went and visited her (along with my brother and SIL).  She looked at me shocked, and I said, "I am tired of you always putting me down for what I do give you and complaining that I treat you like crap the rest of the year so I decided to listen to you this year".  At the time I felt righteous in my anger and justified... years later I feel regret and wish I had handled it better and more in line with my values rather than my emotions. 

If you choose to not send anything directly to her, you can always make a donation to a charity in her name. 

I think having some options for how to reply in case your mom does say anything is wise.  Do you want to work on them here?

[sklamath]

It sounds like flowers no longer feel like an authentic gift, but nothing is not right either. Would a card feel OK?

I’ve found a brand in the local shop that makes very pretty cards with simple sayings, and now I just go straight to that section (rather than reading a dozen cards that make me cry). That feels like the right level of engagement for me at this point.

I like Harri’s suggestion of having a plan in case your mom would text/call/etc. in reaction to a change to the status quo.

[Notwendy]

Neither flowers or a card feels completely comfortable to me. Yet not doing anything feels more uncomfortable. These are not comfortable relationships no matter how one does it. Some people decide that NC is best for them, but still don't feel entirely OK with that choice. For those of us who stay in contact, it seems to be a constant balance between what is best for us and what our mothers want.

I think emotionally stable mothers want what is best for their children for the most part, but my BPD mother wants what she wants- whether it is best for me or not. It's about her wants.

When meeting those "wants" I consider the personal cost to me. If it's too large- like subjecting my kids to her behavior, or including her in a family event where it would cause stress and drama- I won't agree to it. Some things I may not enthusiastically want to do, but I am willing to do it. I think she'd be miffed with a card but she seems to like the flowers, so I am willing to do it. When I visit her, the visits mostly revolve around her needs, because it is just a visit.

[madeline7]

Giving a card to my Mom is triggering, because years back she complained that the card I sent to her for her birthday was not as nice as the one I sent my Dad for his birthday a few weeks later. Hid card was $1 more and had more lines of text. So last year I found a beautiful "pop up card" for Mother's Day that when opened turns into a 3D bouquet of tropical flowers. The back is kind of shiny making it difficult to write on. It has Happy Mother's Day in script on the inside. She loved it, and I didn't have to write anything on the card. A win win. I found another pop up card for this year, but since last week's drama, I may choose to sit Mother's Day out this year. I think you have gotten many good suggestions, and with some thought, hopefully you can choose the card/flower/acknowledgement that is the right choice for you. Even if she dosen't "deserve" a gift, if it makes you feel better because you are a caring person, then do it for you.

[LonelyButTrying]

Neither flowers or a card feels completely comfortable to me. Yet not doing anything feels more uncomfortable. These are not comfortable relationships no matter how one does it. Some people decide that NC is best for them, but still don't feel entirely OK with that choice. For those of us who stay in contact, it seems to be a constant balance between what is best for us and what our mothers want.

I went through that yesterday at Dollar Tree. My sister went to look at Mother's Day cards, reminding me that it's coming up. So I decided to see what they had, and I was reading all these lovey, sometimes-saccharine sentiments and wondering if they have a card that reads "Happy Mother's Day and thanks for continually showing me what not to do in my life."

I didn't feel comfortable looking at the cards, but given that I'm still living with my parents, I'll just do it in an obligatory manner for her. I'll try to find a card with the mildest sentiment.

[Turkish]

Which choice would result in you feeling worse about yourself,  if it is that? No matter what your mother may think. 

[Libra]

Hello GreenGlit,

My sentiments on the subject are similar to Notwendys: I am willing to do something, because:
  - It fits with my own core values
  - I know I will hurt her feelings if I don't and I don't want to give her the feeling I am 'punishing' her.
  - I know it has no emotional risk for me or my family.

That being said, I did not have such an awful experience just recently, and I know my gift will not be tossed.

I think I can understand how your current situation is very conflicting for you:
On one hand, you want to follow your core value, without being influenced by your mother's actions. You want to handle out of your own independent sense of self, without being pulled down by her negativity.
On the other hand, however, you want to preserve your sense of self-respect. You do not want to undermine your own value, and so it feels completely counter-intinuïtive to send anything to someone who can not see you for the person you truly are and makes you feel rejected and unaccepted.

In that sense, I suspect every possible action will feel somewhat uncomfortable. Maybe choose the option that fullfills your own needs/principles the most? Whatever you choose, do it for you, your sense of self, and your core values. You cannot control how your mother (re)acts, you can only control your own actions. 

Libra.

[GreenGlit]

Thanks to everyone for the advice and great suggestions. I decided to go on a small flower bouquet delivery with a simple message attached that said "Happy Mother's Day, we hope you have a beautiful day. Love, Greenglit + Husband." As was noted in some of the comments I can't bear to go through Mother's Day Hallmark cards cause it's too painful and it felt like just a blatant lie. Thank you for the reminder I should go with what is true to my values. I think making sure she is acknowledged is important to me. She doesn't really ever say anything after receiving the gift except a simple thank you, so if she throws it away it makes no difference to me since I did what I consider to be my part. I'm happy with this decision and will spend the rest of my week getting thoughtful things for the other mother figures in my life.

[Harri]

I'm happy with this decision and will spend the rest of my week getting thoughtful things for the other mother figures in my life.

This makes me smile.  Well done!   

[Notwendy]

Glad you decided on what works for you Green Glit. 

[todayistheday]

I will do what is expected of me to keep my Mom from being mean to my Dad.  I will waste a vacation day to drive to her house on Monday and take her to lunch.  She does not want to go Saturday or Sunday because she thinks it's too crowded.  (Any time she is not immediately seated and served, it's too crowded.)  There is a university in her city and she thinks that because of graduation, every restaurant is filled and traffic is terrible.  (Not my observation).  On Sunday, everyone else is out for Mother's day with their screaming kids.  And some of them of a ethnicity that she wrongly feels is inferior.

So I take her out on Monday.  My out of not having to spend too much time is that I have something on Monday nights that I have to do at home, so I get to leave mid-afternoon to come back to my city in time for it.  So Monday actually saves me a couple hours.

[Vanilla Sky]

I am going to have flowers delivered to my uNPD/uBPD mother, and a simple card that says "Happy mothers day. [My Name]". I will see if my brother wants me to include his name in the card, which I think he will. He leaves in another country and has been LC with her for decades. My mother is giving me the silent treatment since her last rage outburst in December. I could not handle the manipulations and abuse anymore, so I decided to stay NC while I process my own emotions, grow and heal from the emotional and physical abuse. I am going to send her flowers because it is in my values. There have been other moments of NC when I sent her something on birthday/Christmas/mothers day and I was always in the mindset of "I am going to send her something otherwise she will be even more infuriated with me, so I will save myself from that". It was a place of fear. I still fear her. As I work on myself, I am getting to know my own values. I want to recognize that she exists and she is my mother, I don't want to hurt her feelings. Sending the flowers will have no emotional cost to me, and if I send nothing it will have a negative impact on me because that is not who I genuinely am and want to be.

[Harri]

It was a place of fear. I still fear her. As I work on myself, I am getting to know my own values. I want to recognize that she exists and she is my mother, I don't want to hurt her feelings. Sending the flowers will have no emotional cost to me, and if I send nothing it will have a negative impact on me because that is not who I genuinely am and want to be.

Well said Vanillasky!  It is difficult and often there are no good solutions, but it seems you found one that is right for you.

 

[Woolspinner2000]

Some great thoughts and feelings shared in this post by everyone. Thank you for your honesty!

My uBPDm is deceased, so no card for her, but you know, I actually wish I could send her one now. I have healed so much, and I could now send one out of my own self care, to remind her once more that I do love her. It's such a change to be able to say this, yet I never wished her any harm. At times there was a good mom that would come out, but not too often. When I walked the aisles of the Mother's Day cards, this time I had to be polite and find one for my step mom. I chose a funny card and wrote a little generic note about how I'm sure she could remember those days. I sent her card out of being polite; she has nothing to do with us since my dad died 3 1/2 years ago, and that hurts. I didn't even ask how she was doing because I know her response: "we're doing great!" (speaking of her and her new husband). So while I may be so much better in one area about moms, not doing so well in the other! Yet it is safe and healthy to say that I am taking care of myself in this, protecting and keeping a healthy arms length distance with my step mom. Nothing at all wrong with that.

I loved this GreenGilt:

. I'm happy with this decision and will spend the rest of my week getting thoughtful things for the other mother figures in my life.

I also enjoyed searching for cards for my daughter 32 and for my 2 wonderful aunts and my almost 99 year old grandmother! 

 
Wools

[MrHT]

I'm in the same boat as you.  I am caught in a catch-22.  We are in NC mode.  She has been verbally abusing me so I will not speak to her till she stops or gets therapy.  She will not talk to me (other than to remind me how horrible a person I am) because I pissed her off by setting boundaries.  I am in a Catch-22.  If I buy her a gift she may think I want to speak to her and that my boundaries are gone.  Or she will send me a "thank you" which is more like a "thank you with more verbal abuse."  If I don't buy her a gift I will get a "thanks for nothing with verbal abuse"

I really hate the holidays.  They make me feel horrible.  That sucks because my wife loves all holidays and I must not be a pleasant person to be around during them. 

I can wait till the holiday passes.

Mr HT

[Harri]

MrHT:

I am in a Catch-22.

Turn this no win situation into a win situation by doing what your personal values guide you to do.  If she will react poorly no matter what you do, choose to do what is best for you and is consistent with your values.   

[risingtide]

My personal values have led me to the decision to send nothing for Mother’s Day. I no longer feel any obligation to her, or much of anything toward her at all, to be honest.  And she no longer lives in my city, so I am no longer the primary helper for her. Out of sight, out of mind.  If I were to send her a gift, or flowers, or a card, it would be dishonest.  I can’t abide dishonesty. 

My relationship with my uBPD mother has been tough for a long time.  We had been NC for about five months last year (her choice, but a relief to me.  Don’t throw me in that briar patch and all that), and during that time my marriage imploded and I made the decision to divorce. I felt she should hear about that from me and not in some roundabout way.  That led to some spotty contact for a few months, and then a rage from her about some things I had posted for sale online, and a demand that I return to her all of the old family photos of “her” family that she had given me in . . .wait for it . . . 2001. (I should note this is a special little jab, given that I am adopted and she saw fit to identify them not as “family photos” but as “photos of [her] family.”).

I did a last-ditch Hail Mary and renewed the suggestion of relationship counseling for the two of us.  She actually took me up on it, lasted two sessions, then sent me the definitive kiss-off email in late January.  The closing paragraph:

“As I said the other times, I don't want to hear from you again. It's too painful, OH!  and I will take the blame with the family---nobody can believe you treated me like you have. Because IT'S JUST NOT DONE! for daughters to abuse their own mothers, so you can just tell them you weren't able to get me to agree to a truce and go on not taking any blame---you can still be the one who's always right. I know how important that is to you.“

Briar patch, sweet briar patch. I’m home.