Needing Advice, how can i learn to trust my BPD partner again

[valenciac]

Hello, I am new here and I am struggling with what I should do about my situation with my significant other. He had met a woman and they exchanged numbers and emails back and forth for a few months. We had an argument and he ended up leaving for a couple of months to another state back in 2017. I found out about the woman and told him I knew about her, after he was no longer in my state. A few months passed and we ended up talking on the phone and texting again and eventually I drove 1,000 miles to see him bringing him back to my state and since 2018 January, we have been together but having arguments and fighting since he came back. I am having difficulty trusting him again and feeling ok with him driving around town to run errands alone, because that was what started the talks with the woman in the first place. he is not employed atm and is taking time off because “I am causing stress”. Am I ever going to feel safe with him again or trust him again? He tells me it’s because I have low self esteem and talks down to me but that it’s just me who needs to work on  myself so I can trust him again. He says to me over and over again when we have these arguments that I should let him go. I have also told him you are free to leave when/if you feel you need to. although I say that I really feel like I don’t want him to leave. I am a strong woman, am financially stable, with a home and vehicles, I can do ok without him, but I like his company, and I do feel that I love him and care a lot about him. Can someone please give me advice on what I should consider? How do I get over the thoughts of him cheating again or trusting him again? Please help me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi valenciac, and

relationship recovery from infidelity is difficult, though not impossible.

typically, it is a team effort. the person that has been cheated on is given the space to vent their hurt and distrust, as well as work to process the hurt (good to do with a professional). the person that did the cheating tends to take responsibility and offer accountability, and often a level of transparency to build trust.

it sounds like hes not doing a lot of the former (responsibility or accountability). is he doing any of the latter (transparency)?

[Hopeandjoy]

I think its good to talk about this with people who understand BPD

I'm in a similar situation to you. My partner purposely tries to make me jealous and I did not know how to react at first, it became an unresolved issue. He seems to think making a girl jealous benefits him somehow but he does not like dealing with the result, which is losing my trust. So he tries to change me and demand trust.

Anytime people are ashamed or guilty of their actions, they tend to blame shift. It's best to gently deflect the extra attention off yourself. One way to do this is ask a non-blaming question back.

He might have a high level of empathy for himself but struggle to understand other people feelings. When he accuses you, if there is something you can apologize for it's good to do that one time. If he has BPD he will prly tell you how that made him feel, you can acknowledge that and then later relate it to how you feel about something hurtful he has been doing to you. He will "get it" then.

It's good to gently correct untrue statements. If you defend, explain or try proving him wrong, he will use whatever you say against you. Since he already knows when he's wrong, there's no reason to convict him. It's better to respond with firm boundaries for your own protection, as a result he will learn what the rules are for dating you.

There will also be things that you need in order to trust him again. If you use boundaries in the correct way, you can achieve that. When your partner has BPD there can be some extra challenges setting boundaries, but it is possible.

[valenciac]

thank you hopeandjoy I struggle with feeling the need to defend myself when i am being accused of certain things. Even tho i have read everywhere that i shouldn't do that. i like the idea of acknowledging his feelings and reminding him that maybe he made me feel that once also. i am almost getting to the point when i choose not to say anything that makes me feel uncomfortable because i know what could happen, meaning he will blow up.
thanks again.

[Hopeandjoy]

It is difficult not to get defensive. When he accuses you of certain feelings, you can ask "Are you sure you know how I feel?"
I can also relate to trying to avoid a blow up. Most of the time you can still say what you need to say with a slightly dif approach. Otherwise he will learn that he can silence you by blowing up.

[Harri]

Hi Valenciac.  I just want to join once removed and Hopeandjoy in saying hello and welcome!  Glad you found us and reached out for help.

HopeandJoy said:

Anytime people are ashamed or guilty of their actions, they tend to blame shift. It's best to gently deflect the extra attention off yourself. One way to do this is ask a non-blaming question back.

pwBPD have a lot of shame that drives their behaviors and it can lead to denial, projection or blame shifting and other accusation.  One of the tools we offer here that you might find helpful is Don't JADE.  Jade stands for justify, argue/attack, defend and explain.  Doing these things can escalate a dysregulation.  Not JADEing can help fend off escalation.  It is not a 100% but can help a lot.  

Read the article and see what you think.  We have several tools here and they all can help.   I like the tools because they help us cope and manage and can often keep things calmer so I can think things through better.  It is just a plus that they can help our pwBPD.

Once removed asked:  

it sounds like hes not doing a lot of the former (responsibility or accountability). is he doing any of the latter (transparency)?  

Is he in counseling?  Are you?  What sort of support do you have?