Recognizing elaborate precautions you take because of fear

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A conversation with a friend whose fiance was married to a woman with BPD caused me to  recognize some obsessive behaviors in myself. My friend and her fiance are Roman Catholic and will need to apply for an annulment in order to marry in their Church. He is terrified of contacting his ex-wife. Their children reached majority this year and other than this, he will never need to contact her again. An incident within their Church has sent him reeling, but I feel it is actually just a side issue. He has bought a gun and some bullets to protect them.
I am Mormon by religious faith and for over two decades following my divorce could not obtain what is called a temple sealing cancellation, basically a church authorized divorce. My fearful responses were elaborate emergency preparations and leaving home every year at the same time as my ex-husband's suicide gesture, afraid he might visit me to repeat it.
I realize now that both of us have responded to threats that simply are no longer real. But both of us were trapped by people who literally might do anything and were unable to reclaim meaningful lives because of our religious commitments and the fear of what response we might provoke by taking action or inaction.
This is not meant as an attack on our religions. My church has changed their policy. He and my friends love their ties to the Catholic faith.
But have you found yourself doing things that are obsessive, such as taking elaborate precautions to protect yourself, not attending functions, locking yourself in your house. What steps did you take to overcome your fear and reclaim your freedom and live your life?

[snowwhite]

A conversation with a friend whose fiance was married to a woman with BPD caused me to  recognize some obsessive behaviors in myself. My friend and her fiance are Roman Catholic and will need to apply for an annulment in order to marry in their Church. He is terrified of contacting his ex-wife. Their children reached majority this year and other than this, he will never need to contact her again. An incident within their Church has sent him reeling, but I feel it is actually just a side issue. He has bought a gun and some bullets to protect them.
I am Mormon by religious faith and for over two decades following my divorce could not obtain what is called a temple sealing cancellation, basically a church authorized divorce. My fearful responses were elaborate emergency preparations and leaving home every year at the same time as my ex-husband's suicide gesture, afraid he might visit me to repeat it.
I realize now that both of us have responded to threats that simply are no longer real. But both of us were trapped by people who literally might do anything and were unable to reclaim meaningful lives because of our religious commitments and the fear of what response we might provoke by taking action or inaction.
This is not meant as an attack on our religions. My church has changed their policy. He and my friends love their ties to the Catholic faith.
But have you found yourself doing things that are obsessive, such as taking elaborate precautions to protect yourself, not attending functions, locking yourself in your house. What steps did you take to overcome your fear and reclaim your freedom and live your life?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi snowwhite,

Those sound like extreme reactions to unresolved trauma. I can relate, though I haven't done anything that elaborate. I do have a tendency to self-isolate. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to social settings, or even something like going to church- which is hard for me, because I do want to go to church and find a consistent church family, but I tend to put off going because I just don't feel like engaging with people.

Some other things I have noticed are looking in the back of the car when I get in it to drive home after work, and also for some reason I don't like to sit in a room where there are lots of windows. I have a perfectly good living room, but I prefer to sit in the dining room away from the windows. I feel safer there. Not really sure why, but it doesn't have to make sense I guess.

Therapy has helped me a lot with the hypervigilance, though I haven't completely gotten rid of it. I just started doing emdr therapy and found it to be extremely helpful in just a few sessions.

[snowwhite]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your taking the time. I shall try EMDR.