any advice on push/pull?

[allovertheplace]

Any advice on how to cope with push/pull? I've been in an idealization/devaluation cycle for months with my BPD ex bf - at the moment we're in a 2 month long devaluation phase. It's never "I hate you get out of my life," more like "I love you and want to be together" vs. "I never want to date and I'm not gonna say I love you/be affectionate, but I always want you in my life" (it's still always non-platonic when we're together). I know that feelings = facts so he may mean both things when he says them but doesn't know how to reconcile the shifts, so when the feelings come down he rationalizes and says the "up" feelings were "fake."

He admits he unconsciously did this during our breakup (pre-diagnosis). Context: we dated for 3 years without any of these switches happening, so this is very far off base from who I've always known him to be/how he's consistently expressed he felt - before our sudden and really shocking break-up (cheated then fell in love with this woman - also has BPD - and had a 1 month whirlwind romance immediately that triggered our break-up, different man overnight), we'd never broken up or questioned our feelings.

It feels impossible not to blame myself for triggering devaluation. I get paranoid and think that this time he really means it, it's the end for good. Since the last reversal, he's gone from calling every day, saying we were "together," etc. to indifference, talking and hanging out sporadically when I reach out. Although he still initiates being non-platonic when we're together, lately he's been insistent that we not get too close/romantic. I tried to walk away the last time I asked him where we stood because he took back the "I love you/want to be together" (again). But he freaked out, said he wouldn't accept that, and regardless he always wants me in his life (and it's still in this same non-platonic way.)

This was a reaction to me saying that if he'd flipped again I had to remove myself because it's torture - he's even told me his mind changes every 5 min. After I said that, it seemed like he was scrambling to keep me around - he asked me if I could handle being in his life if he went to therapy to guarantee that he never said anything he didn't mean again + give me false hope (empty gesture). But then that same night after things cooled down he kisses me, tells me he loves me, asks to snuggle and says we'll see each other super soon - when I questioned him on those contradicting behaviors he said he was affectionate just to "reassure" me, but it seems like bs because it comes off as very genuine when it happens. So part of me thinks that maybe this avoidance of affection/commitment is his way of sticking to that promise - he knows he can't stop his feelings from changing, so he'll maintain that he doesn't have the "up" feelings even when they occur because he knows I might walk away if they flip; so to avoid the reversals, he just sticks to a consistent narrative. But this could be me trying to find excuses, I'm not sure how plausible that theory is.

Since day 1 of reconnecting the mixed signals have been intense and so far over to both extremes. Is there a way to know if the I don't love you/want to be with you feelings are permanent this time around? That what goes down won't come up this time and it's not worth me trying?

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