Do I invite my family to the wedding?

[Bumblebee27]

My fiancé are I are getting married in Europe this Summer and are having extreme difficulties with family  as the wedding date approaches (my fiancé and I are paying for the wedding in full with no help from either family). Specifically, My mother, battles with alcoholism and borderline personality disorder. She can be extremely nasty and cruel, especially when drinking. Although both of My parents initially gave their blessing to my fiancé when he asked last fall in advance of our engagement, my mom has turned on both my fiancé and myself. She is now openly hostile to our marriage, and has been spreading extremely hurtful and wicked lies about my fiancé and I to family and family friends. We have sought guidance in the form of Christian-based counseling but at this juncture, in spite of our prayers,  my mother has only grown nastier as the wedding becomes closer in time. All communication ceased between my family and I about two months ago due to my mother’s nastiness and telling me who I need to invite to our wedding. We are at a total loss as to how best to handle the situation, and the prospect of my family showing up at our wedding in Europe openly hostile to our union is causing great anxiety. We’ve turned to the Lord and continue to pray, but remain uncertain as to how to handle to situation moving forward

[zachira]

Sadly, we have many people who have posted on this site who have similar concerns to yours about whether or not to invite certain family members to their wedding because of legitimate concerns that these family members will go out of their way to ruin this special day. Do read the posts of other members. I am sure there will be other members who can give you the specific links to others who have very similar dilemmas to yours. My heart goes out to you. I feel so sad that you would have to even think about whether or not to include certain close family members in your wedding day celebration.

[Harri]

Hi Bumblebee and welcome.

Like zachira said, you are not alone in having this concern about your family member and your wedding.  BTW, congrats on your soon to happen wedding!   

How soon is your wedding?  We have had members choose to not invite their family, others have extended the invitation but made provisions.  By provisions, I mean a few hired security to handle any disturbances the family may cause.  A few others have asked members of their wedding party to act as mischief managers by focusing on the family members and intervening where necessary.

Lets see what some others say here too.

[Bumblebee27]

Thank you, Both! It has been extremely difficult time for both my fiance and I. Our wedding is late July so still some time but not that far out. We considered having security but when I last spoke to my mom (a little of 2 months ago) she said all kinds of nasty things and said she would be there for me and that was all. She said she would not speak to or look at my fiance. I told her I did not understand why she would want to come if she did not want to engage with my fiance or his family, which angered her even more. Since the last time we spoke, I have learned she has prohibited my younger siblings and father from speaking to me. I was once the caretaker to my mother (not too long ago) so I understand the fear they may be feeling but it hurts to see that my dad is so far gone and cannot stand up to my mother. My mom has gone as far as using my 83 year old grandma with Alzheimer's to belittle my fiance and I.

I did not realize my mom has BPD until we got engaged. I started feeling like something was wrong for the last year but I just thought it was because I had started traveling more for work and was growing up but it became very clear once we got engaged that she felt abandoned by me. To bring more context to the story my mom battled back from stage 4 breast cancer when I started my freshman year of college. Being the oldest of three kids, I did what any older sibling would do and started helping and taking care of the other two when needed. I would come home from college for every doctors appointment and the weekend just to help, clean, and cheer my mom up. Because that is what family does. Until you give too much and it still is not enough. I moved home after college to help take care of my mom while I worked a full time job. It worked well because I could save to eventually buy a place of my own and was also able to spend a lot of quality time with family and close friends. I switched jobs which had me traveling a ton. Young and resilient it was perfect because I could see the world and also slowly gain my independence. My mom would make snarky comments here and there about how it must be nice to travel all the time (the same thing she would say to my father when he would be on business trips when I was growing up). My mother has been a stay at home mom since I was about 4 years old. I would not change that for the world but I think as my siblings and I became less dependent on my mother she felt worthless and did not know how to cope with us growing up. When I started my new job I started dating someone who come to learn now most likely had BPD themselves... Shocker.. right? I tried to fix him just like I tried to fix my mom but that clearly did not work and the abuse got worse and it took all of the courage in the world to get out. Finally free from that, I was home full time now if I was not traeling. it was about 9 months later when I met the love of my life. I think my mom knew then and there that he was the one and her jealousy towards travel, experiences, and new found love grew exponentially. Still being the caretaker for my mom I was spending sometime with my then boyfriend, on the road for work and at home with family. Work travel became so frequent and my parents house was over an hour and fifteen minutes away from the airport or train station so I started staying at my boyfriends house about fifteen minutes from the airport. My mom would call and say I did not care about her and never spent time with her or never wanted to talk on the phone. I would call at least 2-3 times a day more days it was more but it was never good enough and she just did not understand how worn down I was from being on the road for work all the time. I would try to explain work travel is not as glamorous as it seems and is most definitely not a vacation but she never seemed to understand. The guilt she made me feel was horrible but I would still go back with my boyfriend or by myself at least once if not twice a week. We went to every family BBQ, every football game of my brother's, every everything but it still was not good enough. My boyfriend helped my brother with his prom poster (he drew the whole thing), he helped my brother write his college essays, he helped my sister with an internship and using professional contacts for both of my siblings. My parents loved my boyfriend. He was smart, he had a good job, he had good values and prioritized family over everything. It seemed like the perfect picture until I decided to tell my parents that I was worried about my sister hanging out with the wrong crowd and doing drugs. She has told me this previously and I had told my mom but she did not do anything. She also told my boyfriend she did cocaine and asked if he did too since he worked with musicians. As a concerned older sister, I told both my parents. My father confronted her and she freaked out at me for telling them. My sister would not talk to me and my parents told me I needed to apologize to her since she was upset. Both my boyfriend and I were very confused how a concerned older sibling and boyfriend would be int he wrong for caring and voicing their concern. My sister and I did not talk for a few months. My boyfriend asked for my hand in marriage. He decided to ask both my parents over lunch. Both were so happy but quickly turned the conversation to helping my brother get into college and speak to girls and use the engagement as a way to get my sister and I to talk (I did not know about this until after the engagement). My fiance thought this was very weird and did not understand why my parents basically wanted him to "fix" their family. Fast forward, we get engaged and my sister has nothing to say. I was extremely hurt and asked my mother to get my younger sister to come around but my mother said it was not her place. My birthday was a week later and the same thing happened. My sister did not say anything and I asked my mom to intervene. She would not and said I was causing all this drama. Being the bigger person I finally called my sister and apologized for breaking her trust but said I was concerned about her, she followed up with I am a liar and a bitch and that she did not consider me her sister. I called my mom and dad to tell them what had happened and again they said I was being a drama queen and a baboon and was the one who started all of this. The next day I gave one last attempt to apologize to my sister in the family text chat which included my fiance. She again went off on me. Hysterical and at a lost my fiance chimed in and said i had apologized and that I was not lying and my sister has bragged about doing cocaine to my fiance when they first met. My sister called me all sorts of names again and my parents chimed in saying it was all my fault. My fiance then responded stating that parents needed to act like parents and that I was simply trying to look out for my younger sister. That was the end of that. We then spent thanksgiving with my family which was about a month later. No one knew what to expect but a few hours was not bad. Things were still off with my mom and now more than ever she guilt tripped me into coming home to spend time with her one on one. Again, I travel about 4 days a week for work so in can be tough driving 3 hours to and from my parents place weekly just to put my mom at ease but I still did it. My fiance and I welcomed every one down to our place the day before Christmas eve for lunch and to celebrate my dads birthday. My parents, siblings and my sisters boy friend were to come down and after lunch my parents would leave and my siblings and sisters boyfriend would stay the night and we would all hang out. All was fine expect my mom kept whispering nasty things to my fiance when no one was looking. When we were out to eat with my siblings and sisters boyfriend for dinner my sisters boyfriend was telling us about how a few weeks back they went to happy hour with my parents and my parents friends. He said he felt bad for my dad because my mom was wasted and falling asleep at the bar. My siblings chimed in and said my drinks too much and it is worse now more than ever. My fiance and I said mom can drink a lot and sometimes be mean and crazy and to watch out when she gets that way. The next day when we went back to my parents for church and christmas eve dinner my siblings must have told my mom we called her crazy without any context. My mom was so mean to my fiance and I at dinner. Not knowing any of this we stayed over and spent most of christmas day at my parents. Something was off but my mom would not tell me why. She continued to drink vodka drinks and almost finished a fifth by the time we left around 5PM. She would not say bye. We left and went to my fiance's family. The happy ending to a sour day. Two days later I was supposed to go wedding dress shopping with my mom and still had not heard from her so I called my dad to see what was wrong and he told me my mom was pissed we called her crazy. I confronted her and she said I never had time for her, I did not defend her, and went on. We talked on and off for the next few months. Each time asking if we could put the past in the past but she refused. I asked her why when she goes to church and bible study she could not act in they way she preached to believe. She belittled my fiance and I and put down our relationship. I would meet with my dad when he was traveling for work by my house and we would talk. He would always tell my mom is an expressive personality and I need to learn how to speak with someone who is like that. I said I understand but that doesnt make her actions anymore right. I never understood, my mom could go off and say and do what she wanted with no consequence because she was an expressive personality but if I or my fiance tried to defend ourselves and fight for what was right than we were wrong. I tried to reason with my mom and get her to see my side but it did not work. She then started telling people my fiance and I were disrespectful and I abandoned her. The less I talked to my mom the happier I was. It was a relief but it also hurts so bad. The last time I spoke with my mom on the phone it was about a few people who were not invited to our wedding (at this time my  family was still planning on coming). I tried to call my mom on her birthday but she wouldnt answer so I got as far as a text. She thanked me for my birthday card and then a week later thanked me for my fiance's birthday card. She will not acknowledge him as a person. I did not respond because i thought it was rude and disrecpectful. I then learned she had hid some of my tax documents from me when I went to file. I asked her for them but she did know where they were until finally they magically appeared even though my father and brother both looked twice through the stack. Have not talked to her or siblings since. My dad texted me on easter, "happy easter. miss ya". I texted my whole family happy easter but no one responded. It was obvious my mother has turned everyone on me and my fiance. now just a few months out I am at a loss of what to do. I am equal parts relieved from the daily games my mom plays but I am also hurting with what to do.

[Notwendy]

I hope it will make you feel a little better knowing that the pattern you described in your family seems typical and also similar to mine. Different circumstances but similar pattern.

Families with a disordered person tend to act in an equilibrium with each other. Each member can take on a certain role. Your father is the enabler/rescuer. You were another caretaker for your mother and siblings. You did a wonderful thing to help your mother out in a time of need- I understand that. I would do that too when my father was ill. I also felt it was the right thing to do. Yet, before that, I was also another enabler in the family. Siblings can take on roles as scapegoat, golden child.

While one person may be most disordered, the other family members take on disordered behaviors - and this works to somehow make the family more stable. When one person changes their roles or behaviors- the other family members feel discomfort. They don't like that. The first reaction is to get the family member back in their role- they can do different ways- be super nice, then if that doesn't work - mean, angry, abusive and also solicit other family members "against" the one who changed. If the person doesn't fall into line again, they may cast them out and form a new balance.

Black and white thinking is at play and a family member can be "all good" or "all bad" and also switch between roles depending on how the family members feel.

Denial and projection are present in these situations as well. If drug or alcohol is involved, or other addictions, the person may be angry if exposed and the tendency of the family is to cover it up.

I hope you can take this less personally. You have not done anything wrong. You seem like a good person and your fiance sounds like a great guy. You did the normal and natural thing for a child. You grew up.

Emotionally healthy parents recognize that their children are separate individuals with wishes and aspirations of their own. They hope their adult children continue to have a relationship with them but understand that the grown child will want their own independent life, and also possibly a partner and a family.  The empty nest is not an easy stage at times, but it is what a parent ultimately knows is best.

A parent with a PD thinks of the child as an extension of themselves, not a separate person. They also may consider what is best for the child, but if the child isn't a separate person, then to them, what is best for them also must be best for the child. Your mother feels good when you are home with her and so assumes you do too. On the other hand, you are your own person and want your own life- and you should pursue it. This conflict for your mother sends her in victim mode. She then enlists her other enmeshed family members as rescuers.

I understand it is hurtful to have all this drama in your family when all you did was the normal thing for a grown child. I hope you can believe that your mother's discomfort is her problem. You didn't cause it. Your father's enmeshed, - he's doing what he normally does- rescue and enable her.

You have a chance at a happy marriage with a great guy and you are doing nothing wrong by pursuing your own life. From your story, I see you have done this with compassion and love for your family. I'm sorry they are reacting this way. I hope it helps to know that this is more about them than you. You can continue to be polite and cordial with them, while having your own life and healthy boundaries so you and your fiance can have some peaceful times without your family drama. I know you will still make some space for them if possible but not in such large time spans that you can't have some peaceful time together. You and he are about to become your own new family and you deserve to be happy together.