What Things Keep Holding You Back From Having Healthy Relationships

[zachira]

As a victim of neglect throughout my childhood, I find that I am way too independent and easily dismissive of close relationships. Through years of therapy, I have grown a great deal, yet my inner programming still defaults to spending most of my time alone, even though I am very much an extrovert. I have close friends and family members though I don't see them often. My friends and family members seek me out much more than I do them. What do you think are the things that hold you back from seeking out healthy intimate relationships, (including family, friends, and romantic relationships with caring people)?

[Turkish]

My independence attracted my ex to me at first, then later triggered her as she viewed it as I didn't need her.  She wrote as much in her kind of suicide note she wrote on our computer Christmas of 2012.

For me, it's more logistical: I "fear" entering into a relationship where someone has power over me legally, even if not married. Growing up with a BPD mother,  I hated being a kid under her legal power,  and relished and embraced being a free adult. Maybe I've taken that too far,  to my detriment.   

[Educated_Guess]

I think I was trained from birth to think that dysfunctional relationships were the norm.  Such is the consequence of being born into a family of broken people.  I learned how to modify my own behavior and ignore my own feelings in order to try to fit into those relationships.

To be in a healthy relationship requires a lot of self-work.  Some of it is learning that what I thought was normal behavior is not, in fact, normal.  Most of it is learning and understanding who I am after blocking my own feelings for so long.  I have to know who I am before I can stand in relation to another as my whole self.  I'm still working on that.

[once removed]

fear of rejection.

there are specific aspects of my life i dont feel i have together enough to pursue dating (a significant factor), but in terms of opening myself up to relationships with family, friends, romance, caring people, its that.

[Sandb2015]

Many fears...

Being unloved, unaccepted, fear of emotional intimacy (until now).

Unloving home as a child and problem sister. I had to be the good child, no emotional resources in case I wasn't.  Mostly just alone without attention or love.  "No need to worry about him, he's such a good kid", no I wasn't, I was bullied at school and home.

I have an issue with who I am really and how I want to be seen for the purpose of acceptance. 

Knowing everything that's happened in my rs, my desire to finally be emotionally intimate was exposed.  It caused a sickness do to her sickness, but in time I know it felt good to be exposed and some day in a healthy loving rs, it will be fulfilling.

[zachira]

How do we overcome the fear of rejection? How much of that fear of rejection is really about how our family members and past partners treated us? I am working on staying present and not letting the past intrude. I realize that in healthy romantic relationships the love is conditional that in certain situations the relationship needs to end. The only love that is not conditional is the love that most parents feel towards their children. I know a woman whose heart is still broken over the death of her mentally and physically disabled child who died many years ago, even though this child never even knew who she was. She cared for him for years, changed his diapers, was never ever able to have a conversation with him, and even a look of recognition in his eyes as to who she might be. I think we sometimes dream that a partner will love us in the ways that this woman loved her child.

[once removed]

How do we overcome the fear of rejection?

by examining, and facing our fears, as well as nurturing positive self esteem.

if one approaches therapy to overcome the fear of rejection, a lot of the therapy is likely to involve deliberately putting yourself in circumstances where you are very likely going to face rejection...and then working through the feelings in a healthy way, so that ultimately, rejection starts to lose its sting.

our fears can rule our lives and even our personalities. sometimes thats more comfortable than overcoming them.