What should I do, how should I act?

[Beren2016]

Hi

My BPD girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago, this is the second time in a month.

Now, our relationship has problems, I acknowledge this, the things she says are valid, we have both been struggling (her anxiety, me stress) and it's taken its toll on the relationship over the last year..

Now the situation.

She is currently terrified in her own flat (long story involving a bad neighbour with bad freinds and an incident of the neighbours window being broken and the fire alarm being set off), since the window/alarm happned she is constantly like a scared cat, jumping at every noise and car, she can't relax or sleep...she is feeling extremely out of control, more so than usual... we do know that he is being evicted, but this is incidental as she is still terrified untill it happnes.

I could see the break up coming as she had a very bad day with the situation, was terrified (rocking backward and forwards, dead eyes stare,snappy and angry) and when she feels this way, she tends to go silent treatment and push me away at the end of the night ... I can't head it off or console her communication skills can't cut through her emotion and the best I can do once the fear turns to anger and directs at me out is to let It run it's course...  (I believe when she is feeling out of control our relationships existence is the only my thing she feels in control of)

I have seen her every day since, collecting stuff, some help (She struggles to leave the house), and one occasion she got angry because I was socialising with my friend post break up, and yesterday she was so scared in her flat she wouldn't let me leave.

Like I say the problems with the relationship are valid but, I suspect the break up was triggered by her current situation,lack of sense control and fear.

I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo

My question is how do I act here, as even though she did the breaking up, I feel like the while situation rests on what I do next






Thank you again

 
Also apology that i have set up some topics recently and havnt replied to them, life was throwing alot at me, both event and emotionally and it was difficult to keep up

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Beren2016]

And after thought I should also so add;

I am very sad about this break up but at this point I can't feel or come to terms with it or begin to move on, because I feel so up in the air and the situation feels so complex... this is also making me feel very confused

[Ozzie101]

It's natural for you to feel hurt and confused. It also makes sense that her breaking up with you could be a reaction to her feeling out of control. It's a way for her to take some control of something in her life.

You say she got angry because you socialized with your friend. What was your response to that?

Have you given much thought to what you really want to happen? Do you want the relationship to resume as it was?

[Beren2016]

Thank You your reply

Honestly I didn't handle it well, she was threatening non contact and talking about how she hated me, I tried to explain that how devastated I was and laughing and socialising was the only way I had to deal with it,  she was having none of it and seemed to think I shoulld be wanting to be alone if I realy was upset... long story short I ended up leaving my freinds and going to her flat and calming the situation down...

I  don't want to lose her, she means so much to me but as of last night she seems to be determined to see the problems we have had as something that I have did on purpose , even asking if I was punishing her... this in no way reflects reality but she won't belive me because what i say doesn't reflect the emotions she is feeling inside...  she is projecting, and is coming to a twisted conclusion based on her internal feelings

it's like 2+2 = 99...

Atm all feels lost the only thing she sees a truth Is the emotions in her head, which means, to her, she can't belive the truth I am trying to tell her... it feels like she needs to see me in a bad light no matter what I do or what she knows about me (after 7 years).

[Beren2016]

A bit of background..

The problems we have had revolve around me suffering from Stress over the last year and the symptoms of that and how it has effected the relationship..

She has been telling me I should get help but the honest truth is, that I struggle asking for help and opening up to people. I have been stuck on autopilot, taking it day by day, and sorting it a Dr. Appointment, time off work and everything involved felt like stress too much for me and I became paralysed by the stress...

I know i have done wrong, and in hindsight I know what I should have done but in that period of my life I was unable to, i was paralyzed by it all...

but my GF is seeing this as a choice I made and seems to belive that I weighed up the situation and made a choice that she wasn't worth getting help for, which isnt true.

Like I say I know I have done wrong i dont want to make excuses i only have reasons the way the stress  is affecting me...

[Ozzie101]

Stress is a common part of everyday life -- even wonderful events can bring on stress. But too much or handled the wrong way can be very painful, debilitating, even damaging. Relationships on their own can be stressful. Relationships involving BPD? Yikes.

I understand that asking for help is difficult for you. It is for a lot of people. Therapy can be a HUGE help in managing difficult situations, but it's not for everyone. You may feel that therapy is not the best fit for you right now. But what about other ways of coping with stress? Do you have any hobbies? Any ways to decompress (listening to music, taking a walk through nature, etc.)? Self care is so important when it comes to dealing with stress.

It sounds like you were trying that by going out with your friends. That connection with friends is something I'd encourage you to keep up. It does sound like it triggered your GF. Not uncommon. Many people here have talked about their loved ones feeling threatened by their other relationships and actively trying (and sometimes succeeding) in cutting them off.

You left your friends because she was upset. That sounds to me like she's succeeding. She got you to abandon your fun night, your self-care, and focus back on her.

As you've discovered, pwBPD hear things very differently than Nons do. Validation is so important, but not always easy to do. When done right, though, it can make a big difference in diffusing bad situations. We have an article on it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

In my opinion (and others here may have other suggestions), I think you need to focus on setting some boundaries. That doesn't mean you have to sit down and talk with her about them. You don't have to even tell her what they are. You just have to decide for yourself what you want, what you will accept and what you'll do. Right now, from the sounds of things, she has you at her beck and call, rushing to her rescue. Your stress is through the roof. If you keep playing the rescuer to her victim, the dance will just continue. Does this feel sustainable to you?

Here are a couple of links to articles you might find helpful to get started:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I don't want to overwhelm you but I hope you'll give them a read and let us know what you think!

[Beren2016]

Thank you for your reply that was very usefull

I feel like therapy realy wasn't a good fit for me right now, it is such a relief  that you have said that because it makes me feel like how I was feeling was ok...

I feel like what I did wrong was not going to the doctors, when my girlfriend  broke up with me, among the things she said, she seemed to hold going to the doctors as a symbol for me not caring about her enough to try to fix my, and by extension,  some of our problems... I was trying to fix this though I was focusing on self care as much as I could, mindfullnes, having time to relax, trying to put time into hobbies (video game with freinds, model making, reading ect.)

I felt liek that was what I needed to feel better, my GF tho feels like that was not enough and If I cared for her I would have gone to the doctors, in what she see as a choice by me. Me increasing self care is not enough for her (despite her own therapy) thr only action she acepts is me going to Drs. it is that clear cut to her,

and now, even if I rang up 2day, for her it is too late to make a difference.

 I feel like I did wrong in not going to Drs, even though I was mentaly unable to, I feel like I should have forced myself and this break up would not have happened.

And  in yoir other question, me being the saviour was not sustainable, under normal circumstances I can do alot and me helping her out with this is no problem at all to me and I am happy to do it, but I have felt stretched recently and i cant support her mental health if i am burnt out...which is part of my need for more time for myself

And thank you I will definetly read those, I don't know what will happen now though as, we are currently broken up and picking up my things from her flat could be the last time I see her,

unless things change of course but she is pretty entrenched right now, and seems to need to see me in a horrible person

[Ozzie101]

A common thread among pwBPD is the One Thing. As in: "If you could only do this One Thing, everything would be OK."

If we moved. If we had a baby. If you would go to therapy. If you would cut your family and friends out of your life.

But the One Thing isn't a reality. Even if you acquiesce, the One Thing will change to something else. Because, in truth, there's no One Thing. Nothing can "fix" them, no matter how much they (and we) want it to.

As the Non, it helped me to realize the fallacy of the One Thing. The important thing was for me to decide on my boundaries and not cross them. What did I feel and believe was right? Because running around trying to solve problems and put out fires for my H was not productive -- in fact, it was damaging.

You've been painted black, from the sounds of it. But you're still rescuing her when she needs it. Is that something you really want to continue doing? What do you think would happen if you (kindly but firmly) told her that, no, you can't help her with _____ right now? You're broken up. It's not your responsibility to help her. The way it is right now, sounds like she's having her cake and eating it too -- treating you poorly but still expecting you to help her when she wants you to.