Mother's Day Is Making Me Sick

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It is my first post so sorry if I ramble.

My Background:

I believe my mother maybe a uBPD.  Even if she isn't she has nearly all the traits.  She is in her late 60s and lives hundreds of miles away from me.

Over the years the only time mom would contact me was to make me feel horrible about myself, make me feel guilty for her horrible life, ask for more money or verbally abuse me.  For years, every time I received any text or phone call I feared looking at it because it maybe her ready to ask for more money or more verbal abuse.  It caused me anxiety, nausea, etc.  This is what I suspect ptsd feels like.

I just started setting boundaries with my mother in November. I started to say no when she asked for more money.  She has been having money issues for years.  I gave her money over the years.  This year I offered to provide her a financial adviser.  I also said we need to seek family therapy because our relationship was off the rails.  She said no to both.

Because of the boundaries and me saying no to money, she want back to screaming at me over the phone and sent horribly abusive text messages.  Screamed that I was a piece of #$!, said she was ashamed of me, belittled wife, said karma would nip me in the butt when she died, she hoped I would at at least pay for her funeral, "to you I am already dead", "she doesn't want me in her life", "your dead to me", "self centered", etc.  You all probably know how these conversations go.  :-)  All the F.O.G stuff (which I can handle better now but still make me have ptsd like symptoms ).

I read "walking on eggshells" and got help from a therapist (which helped me greatly).   She said my mother was possibly an uBPD (which I agree).  She suggested I at least temporarily go NC and not give her (or my sister any money). 

Now Mom is losing her home to foreclosure. She blames me for this (because I didn't not give her money).  And my sister (who admits mom verbally and physically abuses her) can't understand why I am doing this to my mother. So now I am getting the guilt from two people

I've been pretty much NC with mom since January.  The only time I responded is when she wanted to go to therapy (which is never followed through with) and to re-iterate my boundaries. 

Mother's Day:
So why do I feel so conflicted about Mother's Day?  Buying a gift or card feels like a catch-22.  Doing nothing and I will feel the wrath her abuse.  If I give her a gift/card then I am breaking my NC and may make her feel like I am opening back up to her.  Or more likely she will just make me fill like poo even if I do send her something.  Why am I feeling this way even though she is verbally abusing me. 

I probably will stay NC with her this Mother's Day.  I will probably not send her flowers or a card.  This will be the first Mother's day I have done this.  I am so scared of the abuse that will follow (even though I should not).  How do I handle the abuse that will follow?  Am I a bad person for going NC and not sending her anything this Mother's Day?  Why do I feel like a "bad son" even though I shouldn't

Does anyone else dealing with this?

Mr HT

[MrHT]

It is my first post so sorry if I ramble.

My Background:

I believe my mother maybe a uBPD.  Even if she isn't she has nearly all the traits.  She is in her late 60s and lives hundreds of miles away from me.

Over the years the only time mom would contact me was to make me feel horrible about myself, make me feel guilty for her horrible life, ask for more money or verbally abuse me.  For years, every time I received any text or phone call I feared looking at it because it maybe her ready to ask for more money or more verbal abuse.  It caused me anxiety, nausea, etc.  This is what I suspect ptsd feels like.

I just started setting boundaries with my mother in November. I started to say no when she asked for more money.  She has been having money issues for years.  I gave her money over the years.  This year I offered to provide her a financial adviser.  I also said we need to seek family therapy because our relationship was off the rails.  She said no to both.

Because of the boundaries and me saying no to money, she want back to screaming at me over the phone and sent horribly abusive text messages.  Screamed that I was a piece of #$!, said she was ashamed of me, belittled wife, said karma would nip me in the butt when she died, she hoped I would at at least pay for her funeral, "to you I am already dead", "she doesn't want me in her life", "your dead to me", "self centered", etc.  You all probably know how these conversations go.  :-)  All the F.O.G stuff (which I can handle better now but still make me have ptsd like symptoms ).

I read "walking on eggshells" and got help from a therapist (which helped me greatly).   She said my mother was possibly an uBPD (which I agree).  She suggested I at least temporarily go NC and not give her (or my sister any money). 

Now Mom is losing her home to foreclosure. She blames me for this (because I didn't not give her money).  And my sister (who admits mom verbally and physically abuses her) can't understand why I am doing this to my mother. So now I am getting the guilt from two people

I've been pretty much NC with mom since January.  The only time I responded is when she wanted to go to therapy (which is never followed through with) and to re-iterate my boundaries. 

Mother's Day:
So why do I feel so conflicted about Mother's Day?  Buying a gift or card feels like a catch-22.  Doing nothing and I will feel the wrath her abuse.  If I give her a gift/card then I am breaking my NC and may make her feel like I am opening back up to her.  Or more likely she will just make me fill like poo even if I do send her something.  Why am I feeling this way even though she is verbally abusing me. 

I probably will stay NC with her this Mother's Day.  I will probably not send her flowers or a card.  This will be the first Mother's day I have done this.  I am so scared of the abuse that will follow (even though I should not).  How do I handle the abuse that will follow?  Am I a bad person for going NC and not sending her anything this Mother's Day?  Why do I feel like a "bad son" even though I shouldn't

Does anyone else dealing with this?

Mr HT

[LumosNox22]

I feel like you have to set these boundaries. Although, you will have to bear the abuse and guilt that is sure to follow, you are not abandoning her. Boundaries and abandonment are two very different things, even if your BPD mom does not see it this way. You are going to spend time with her which is healthier than sending money to her. There is some peace to being able to do this for yourself. I hope you are able to enjoy some of your weekend! Positive thoughts for you.

[MrHT]

She lives in another state so I will not be seeing her for mother's day.  I probably will not be speaking to her either.  We are pretty much in NC mode till she can speak without verbally abusing me.   Even then it will be limited contact till the boundaries can be maintained and I can determine ways of coping with the madness.

-Mr HT

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you reached out to us.  making the first post can be hard but is such a big step!

That is a lot of history you are dealing with and I think it is great that you have started setting boundaries.  Changing the way we interact with our pwBPD (person with BPD) can lead to an increase in anger and dysfunctional behaviors.  They will push back in an effort to get you to go back to your old patterns so do your best to ride this out.  Sticking with your boundaries is vital.

Regarding Mothers Day and whether it makes you a bad son... no it does not make you a bad son if you do not send her a gift.

Why do I feel like a "bad son" even though I shouldn't

Well, there is no should when it comes to feelings.  Feelings just are.     A lot of us struggle with feeling like we are doing something bad when we try to break away.  It makes sense that we feel this way when you think in terms of all the ways we were trained and conditioned to react and interact with our family member over our childhood.  We learn to do what we have to do to keep the pwBPD happy and we learn to act as their emotional regulators.  The thing is, that is not the way things are supposed to be.  Changing that dynamic will take time and practice and it is going to feel very uncomfortable for us, not just because e are afraid of our mom (or whoever) but because we are going against what we have been trained to do.

You are not alone in this.     We can help and support you as you work through this.  I see you already found the other thread we have going about Mothers day!  Good.  Jumping in and reading and posting is one of the best things you can do!

Again,

[zachira]

You are doing probably what will help the most in the long run in resolving what you want to do for your mother on Mother's Day: telling us your concerns and expressing your dilemmas. As you continue to express your feelings over time and resolve what are the best choices for you at the time, you will likely be less overwhelmed by what to do for your mother on Mother's Day in the coming years. It is a long process and there are lots of feelings to work through. We are here to support you and help in any way we can.

[MrHT]

This weekend is going to be rough.  I re-read her last couple of text messages and have decided not to send her a gift and to be NC.  This will be the first year ever. 

I can't justify sending flowers to her.  I would never let anyone else talk to me this way.  It's abusive.  She is ashamed of me, I'm cold hearted, self centered, she no longer wishes to have me in her life, hates my wife, she no longer wants to have me in her life, she is dead to me, when she dies I will <insert anything here>, etc. I did not respond to these text message and I don't fight back.  I just re-state my boundaries (she can not be verbally abusive and I will also not give out any more money) and move on.  I am starting to realize it's just FOG and I have to move on. 

I have to be NC for a while until I learn how to deal with it because it takes an emotional blow on me.  I have told her I hope some day she will want to go to family therapy with me and I hoped she would see someone for help also.

I fully expect a round of abusive texts on Sunday.

[Harri]

Hi.

This weekend is going to be rough.

Any change this big, like with an ingrained behavior with a lot of emotions surrounding it, will be hard.

You'll get through it.     You can come here and post too.  We can help you through and we can support you after as well.

What can you do this weekend that is good for you, that will celebrate you?

[nomodrama]

Hi there Mr.,
If you block her phone number the texts will not come through. If she calls, no ring but will go straight to voicemail. You can then decide if you want to hear the voicemail or not. This is what I did with my pwBPD sister when I went NC, it has worked well for me far, brings me quiet from the rage at least.

Best wishes for a peaceful weekend for us all!

[look]

 

Me too making me all anxious and sick... will do some meditation and be around super positive people because she will probably be sending lots of negative energy my way and badmouthing me.
I will sent a neutral and simple text for Mother's Day. I have a half sister through my mother and she presents with some personality issues but not as deep as our mother; we reconnected  when I was going through a health crisis and she was pregnant with her first child and our mother put as both through hell I was able to see her cruelty in full bloom. Unfortunately my sister has pick on things from our mother and I have had enough in this lifetime for a one BPD so I have distance myself from both of them. I think family is NOT A LIFE SENTENCE and I am done with my sentence.
All the best guys ! so glad this blog is still up and running.

[Panda39]

MrHT,

First of all there are natural consequences to our actions...your mother did not pay her mortgage and her mortgage is her responsibility it is not yours.  She is an adult and living within her budget is her responsibility and if she doesn't then she will have to face the consequences.  She could have chosen to pay the mortgage, she could have tried to negotiate something with the mortgage company, she could take on a second job, she could have sold the house, she could rent it out...she had plenty of choices and her choice was to not pay and blame you for it.  You are not responsible for this she is.  I agree with your Therapist no financial gifts/loans is a good idea.  Your mom will not learn to be more financially responsible if you continually bail her out.  Facing the consequences will be hard for her but sometimes we have to learn things the hard way.

She's blowing FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or in other words using emotional blackmail to get you to bail her out.

More on FOG... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Mother's Day...such a loaded holiday.  We wish we had the Hallmark moms or Facebook moms but not everyone does in the real world.  No matter what you do the day will be a difficult one.  When I get caught between the rock - Obligation and the hard place - What I want/need, I have made the conscious decision to choose me in these situations.  Your mom will likely be unhappy no matter what you do so I say choose you and what you want to do.   There is no right or wrong choice there is the choice that is best for you.

I'm on this site because my partner has an uBPDxw and they share 2 daughters D22 is no contact (NC) with her mom and D18 is low contact (LC) with her mom and they struggle every year.  I support whatever they decide to do.  D18 took her mom out to lunch last year only to have her mom play on her phone the whole time and then ask D18 to pay for her Uber (she doesn't drive).  She has one daughter that she has already alienated and she has another daughter still trying and that's how she's treated.  My guess is there will not be another invitation this year.

Anyway, just know you aren't alone in the struggle with conflicted feelings...the struggle is real.

Panda39

[Orange]

Hi MrHT,

I can relate to what you're going through. I'm also NC with my mom this mother's day and it's a move that was made recently for a 2nd time, so it's still sort of on the surface.

The previous time I went NC was for several years and they were the most peaceful years of my life. I'm looking forward to it now. I encourage you to soak up all the peace you can as you've gone NC. Dust off the cobwebs.

It is my first post so sorry if I ramble.

My Background:

I believe my mother maybe a uBPD.  Even if she isn't she has nearly all the traits.  She is in her late 60s and lives hundreds of miles away from me.

Over the years the only time mom would contact me was to make me feel horrible about myself, make me feel guilty for her horrible life, ask for more money or verbally abuse me.  For years, every time I received any text or phone call I feared looking at it because it maybe her ready to ask for more money or more verbal abuse.  It caused me anxiety, nausea, etc.  This is what I suspect ptsd feels like.

I just started setting boundaries with my mother in November. I started to say no when she asked for more money.  She has been having money issues for years.  I gave her money over the years.  This year I offered to provide her a financial adviser.  I also said we need to seek family therapy because our relationship was off the rails.  She said no to both.

Because of the boundaries and me saying no to money, she want back to screaming at me over the phone and sent horribly abusive text messages.  Screamed that I was a piece of #$!, said she was ashamed of me, belittled wife, said karma would nip me in the butt when she died, she hoped I would at at least pay for her funeral, "to you I am already dead", "she doesn't want me in her life", "your dead to me", "self centered", etc.  You all probably know how these conversations go.  :-)  All the F.O.G stuff (which I can handle better now but still make me have ptsd like symptoms ).

I read "walking on eggshells" and got help from a therapist (which helped me greatly).   She said my mother was possibly an uBPD (which I agree).  She suggested I at least temporarily go NC and not give her (or my sister any money). 

Now Mom is losing her home to foreclosure. She blames me for this (because I didn't not give her money).  And my sister (who admits mom verbally and physically abuses her) can't understand why I am doing this to my mother. So now I am getting the guilt from two people

I've been pretty much NC with mom since January.  The only time I responded is when she wanted to go to therapy (which is never followed through with) and to re-iterate my boundaries. 

Mother's Day:
So why do I feel so conflicted about Mother's Day?  Buying a gift or card feels like a catch-22.  Doing nothing and I will feel the wrath her abuse.  If I give her a gift/card then I am breaking my NC and may make her feel like I am opening back up to her.  Or more likely she will just make me fill like poo even if I do send her something.  Why am I feeling this way even though she is verbally abusing me. 

I probably will stay NC with her this Mother's Day.  I will probably not send her flowers or a card.  This will be the first Mother's day I have done this.  I am so scared of the abuse that will follow (even though I should not).  How do I handle the abuse that will follow?  Am I a bad person for going NC and not sending her anything this Mother's Day?  Why do I feel like a "bad son" even though I shouldn't

Does anyone else dealing with this?

Mr HT

[MrHT]

I am surprised.  I received no text messages or phone calls from her this weekend from her.  We stayed NC.

[Panda39]

  Now exhale   

I'm glad to hear you had a drama free Sunday 

Panda39