What should I expect or demand in couples therapy?

[ImABeliever]

I’m fairly new and this group has been so helpful in replying to my previous post and in the encouragement you give others.  I’m just wanting input from those of you who have had successful (?) couples therapy with a partner who isn’t convinced he has BPD. He is going to an individual psychologist and showing up at the couples psychologist appointments but remains convinced he was misdiagnosed and I am the problem. I’m trying to be patient and understand things don’t change overnight. But after 42 years of marriage and finally admitting that I was enabling his behavior I’m finding myself impatient. He seems to be high functioning I think it’s called and I am heartsick at the stories I read in here of those who deal with situations so much more severe than mine. But I am also heartsick and weary of the blame and rages and splitting and etc. All those things that I never knew there was a name for!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

maybe the most common thing that causes marriage therapy to fail is attitude, and triangulation.

one or both parties will enter into to counseling with the attitude of "fixing" the other person, telling the therapist how things "really are", and trying to get the therapist on their side.

if you do this, its likely your partner will balk.

if your partner does this, a good therapist will know it when they see it, and know how to deal with it.

another thing that is common, is that a good therapist will sense that your partner needs an extra dose of validation. they may offer that at first, in order to build some trust and credibility, and at worst, it can feel like the therapist is siding with your partner against you when that is not necessarily what they have in mind.

in general, play the long game, and first and foremost, do a lot of listening. give your partner the space to vent, blame, etc (assuming he does), and give the therapist the space to work. certainly, speak honestly when its "your turn"...use your communication skills, use "i statements", etc. the therapist will begin to get a sense of both of you, and once your partner runs out of steam, the three of you may be in a better position to work toward solutions that work for both of you.

[itsmeSnap]

One very important question here is what do you want out of couple's therapy?

Can you tell us more about your expectations and your hopes for getting into it?

[zachira]

It is very common for one partner to go to couples therapy hoping to change the other partner. A competent couples therapist will set up and observe interactions between the partners, and help work on changing the interactions between the two of you. There are some people who cannot do couples therapy because one or both members of the couple need individual therapy which can sometimes be done along with couples therapy.

[ImABeliever]

Thank you for your comments. All of them are so helpful and give me things to think about.
If I am honest I want to grow old with my husband in the life I had always envisioned and worked towards. I want us to be able to talk and share and accept each other with love and friendship. I guess right now I’m just mourning the loss of that dream and trying to work through in my mind what I can live with. I know that my enabling was bad for our relationship. I know I didn’t help when I took ownership of his feelings and emotions. I know I shouldn’t have allowed the emotional abuse.  I understand that in not standing up for myself and setting boundaries I hurt him and our marriage.  And right now I’m just mad at him and myself that the dream seems to be gone.
Ok. Done with the venting.
I hope to learn to listen validate and empathize with my husband more consistently and authentically. I want to understand and minimize the ways I trigger his behavior. I hope to learn to mirror not be a sponge.  I want help to either reconcile or move on peaceably. I want him to want to get help but I know that’s not in my power.
Any thoughts are appreciated!

[once removed]

Any thoughts are appreciated!

i think you have some strong goals. i would encourage you to stick around (a strong support system is critical) and also to post in the threads of other members. it will keep you sharp, and in problem solving mode. i dont have a person with BPD in my life anymore, but working here has really improved my conflict resolution skills.

long term, while change is very important, and ideally our partners follow our lead, dont try to change too much too quickly, or too drastically, as it can be destabilizing in any relationship.

whats going on right now? what would you say the biggest ongoing conflict between the two of you?

[jomo564]

I would like advice on this as well. Couples therapy has been somewhat valuable at helping us to understand each other, and provide a place where we can talk about our relationship with an external authority monitoring to prevent angry rages, threats, etc. But as time goes on, it feels like there is less and less point to conversations that ignore my partner's occasional-but-extreme behavior (that I attribute to u-HF-BPD).

And I don't know how to talk about these incidents, because she denies them. And I believe she literally does not remember and/or suppresses what happens when she's dysregulated, so it's not like I could somehow "convince" her to "admit" them. I can describe my experience ("when you ran into the road screaming about how you wanted to kill yourself, I was scared, and it seemed like really unusual behavior"), then she'll say that never happened and give the "revised so she's the victim and did nothing even slightly wrong" version. Then what?

As I confront the reality that I have accepted years of abuse, and that these occasional incidents are not normal and shouldn't just be ignored, I don't know how to talk about our relationship - or how I'm feeling about it - with my partner. Either I include this giant aspect of our relationship; and she denies, or I don't, and I feel like we're just playacting in a fake world. Same with couples therapy.

Ideas welcome.

[ImABeliever]

Right now he is saying that I have turned our children and my family against him. He is completely ignoring that before I left he had withdrawn from all but the briefest contact as well as finding fault with all our mutual friends. In public he is going about life as if nothing has changed but in reality he has cut himself off from everyone or pushed them away by his trashing of me. He has refused most invitations from the family and close friends who know about our separation.

We are also dealing with a trip that my family had planned for almost two years. I am planning on going and he feels betrayed. I understand he is hurt but I was up front when I left that we couldn’t go together if we were not living together. The rages and emotional abuse and refusing to admit he needs help continue.

[ImABeliever]

I just don’t know how to handle day to day. I left 5 months ago before he was diagnosed with BPD but I knew years ago there were issues. He denies he has BPD and that I can come back any time I want. That I have ruined his life. That everything was really my fault and I think I don’t do anything wrong. It just goes on and on. We can’t talk so I try sending texts using SET. He just says he feels manipulated and controlled and sends endless texts back blaming me for the same old things. I want to be reasonably sure that I did everything I could but I’m almost done!  The last few months have been rough but also nice to not be called names and raged at almost daily. I’m trying to learn how to not invalidate or JADE and all the other tools that others have found useful. I guess I’m just weary!

[zachira]

What you want out of couples therapy, you may want to discuss privately with the therapist. Your husband will likely complain endlessly about you to the therapist in your presence, and it is important to let him do so. A competent therapist will let the most impaired have the floor in the beginning and eventually will bring your issues to light, by observing interactions between the two of you and knowing what your challenges are with your husband.

[once removed]

We can’t talk so I try sending texts using SET. He just says he feels manipulated and controlled and sends endless texts back blaming me for the same old things.

can you give us an impression of the back and forth between the two of you?

[ImABeliever]

I tell him I care about him and want to reconcile. I understand he’s hurt and confused and doesn’t want to be alone. I know we couldn’t continue like we were and must get help and learn to each take our own responsibilities.
(I know I need help to use SET)
Then he responds with 30 texts about that I left and can come back any time. I’ve ruined his and kids and my family lives and our church. Nobody listens. People only call or invite him to make themselves feel better. Your cure is to abandon me completely. I’ll never recover. I wish I was dead. You don’t own anything you do. I’m the token parent to be dealt with. Youve taken my kids from me. You’ve made it clear you won’t support me mentally or physically. You don’t respect me. What did our vows mean to you?  Etc.

[once removed]

okay. so hes sorta throwing the kitchen sink 

that doesnt leave you with a lot of great options, in those moments. you could try to steer the conversation to what he feels the primary hurt/conflict is. you can paraphrase what hes saying, and try to let him feel heard.

but if someone is sending 30 texts, they really need to get back to baseline for a conversation to be constructive.

it sounds like (to me) his primary hurt is you leaving. does that sound right?

he accuses you of taking the kids away. whats the story there? does he see them?

the couples counseling can be a good place to tackle a lot of this. it gives him room to vent, which seems like the mode hes in, and a skilled counselor or therapist can sort of rein things in, focus on the driving issue(s). how has it been going?

[No-One]

I’m just wanting input from those of you who have had successful (?) couples therapy with a partner who isn’t convinced he has BPD. He is going to an individual psychologist and showing up at the couples psychologist appointments but remains convinced he was misdiagnosed and I am the problem.

Best to focus on problem behaviors, as opposed to a label like BPD.  All the individual traits of BPD are problem behaviors.  Whether he officially has enough of the individual traits to qualify as a BPD diagnosis, really doesn't matter, unless there is some advantage for insurance purposes or qualifying for DBT therapy.

If he feels better if he doesn't have a BPD diagnosis, then try to not refer to that label. Confront the issues:  i.e.  emotional dysregulation, overly critical, constantly blaming others, etc.