Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
July 06, 2025, 04:54:19 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
>
Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
> Topic:
Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010 (Read 1674 times)
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
on:
May 11, 2019, 12:49:55 PM »
There’s been increased talk about Mother’s Day and rightfully so. My mom died in 2010. I also have a Son with a woman that led me to this forum.
What I’ve noticed is that you’re all wondering what you should do for your mothers out of pure love. That is strength that I don’t know. I’m glad to know that there are people like you out in the world. Just a little rant.
«
Last Edit: May 11, 2019, 03:02:47 PM by Harri, Reason: edited title in accordance with guideline 1.5
»
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
zachira
Ambassador
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3490
Re: Mother’s Day
«
Reply #1 on:
May 11, 2019, 12:57:15 PM »
I think how those of us who were abused or are still being abused by our mother find Mother's Day difficult in part because it can be a measure of how far we are along on the journey of forgiving our mother for the abuse. Forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving and not about the person being forgiven. Forgiveness can be very freeing, and it can be an ongoing struggle when the abuse continues to affect our lives, even after our mother has been deceased for many years.
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day
«
Reply #2 on:
May 11, 2019, 01:12:25 PM »
z
, I started this thread by attacking my mother. In doing so. I realized that I was being a hypocrite because I made a post about not being angry at my parents anymore. I guess that that isn’t true.,
In a weird way, I wish that I was still being abused so that I could combat them with what I know now. I know that sounds twisted but not having closure from them has been hard. It’s followed me.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Harri
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981
Re: Mother’s Day
«
Reply #3 on:
May 11, 2019, 03:01:16 PM »
JNChell:
Excerpt
z, I started this thread by attacking my mother. In doing so. I realized that I was being a hypocrite because I made a post about not being angry at my parents anymore. I guess that that isn’t true.,
Anger can rise and fall. I know mine does. I also know that when I do feel anger it is much different than it was before.
zachira:
Excerpt
Forgiveness can be very freeing, and it can be an ongoing struggle when the abuse continues to affect our lives, even after our mother has been deceased for many years.
Very true and well said
z
. Death solves nothing when it comes to dealing with the consequences of how we were treated. I see it as the ultimate no contact. It's the mom in my head, my own coping strategies and distorted thoughts and hypersensitivities that I ahve had to struggle with since starting on recovery and my parents death did not make it any easier. In fact, in some ways it is even harder.
Logged
"What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
zachira
Ambassador
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3490
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #4 on:
May 11, 2019, 05:46:25 PM »
Harri,
I was actually thinking of you when I wrote about forgiveness. When the abuse has been so horrible and has such a long term affect on the quality of one's life, forgiveness is just so hard and may not be possible. What can we substitute for forgiveness that will heal our soul and let us have the best life we can under the circumstances?
Harri and JNChell,
I hear you when you talk about dealing with a ghost. Your parents did the damage and died, and now you are left with the aftermath. I often regret that my mother is still living and the abuse ongoing, yet I am grateful that it has given me the opportunity to see the abuse for what it is. If mom had died many years ago, I might still be idealizing her and swallowing the long time family gas lighting of certain individuals including me, that we are just horrible people responsible for everything that goes wrong in the family. What woke me up about my mother was seeing how she abused my brother when he was dying of cancer; he was her favorite child and groomed from birth to be her caretaker in old age. He was terminal, in terrible pain, could die any day, yet she continued to abuse him. The social services had to get involved. My brother and sister have never seen the light, yet I went to long term therapy because I was so horrified.
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #5 on:
May 11, 2019, 06:47:08 PM »
zachira:
Excerpt
What can we substitute for forgiveness that will heal our soul and let us have the best life we can under the circumstances?
I have been doing well with acceptance. Not just of my feelings but that the things that happened happened and that everyone involved made choices... even me.
I know that last part may not be popular and I know for me it is true. My quest is more for forgiving myself than my parents. Intellectually I know I was not responsible, it is something else to know that on an emotional level as well. Sometimes I get it.
One thing that always helps me is this quote (and I have quoted this before so I hope no one is getting sick of it):
We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do.
I know that is not for everyone here. It is vital for me though. Apparently I can wallow very well and even more than I can deny and pretend I am fine. The above quote helps me focus and remember that no one is coming to save me and nothing that happened can be changed.
I find the above quote quite freeing. I get to be responsible for me. I am no longer at the will and mercy of my parents or even my emotions because I can learn to cope better.
So I don't know if that is a good answer to your excellent question
Z
. It's what I have though.
Thanks.
Logged
"What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #6 on:
May 11, 2019, 07:53:24 PM »
The advice and kindness from you two fine ladies have been needed. Thank you. The holidays have been hard, but for whatever reason, this day before Mother’s Day has been tough. I’ve been crying and sleeping. I feel like I’ve wasted a day away. I remember doing this in my adolescence. God damn her on mother’s day. My sister will be missing her and I’ll be remembering the pain that she dished out. I’m so tired of being pissed off about this.
z
, thanks for your wisdom. I haven’t thought about it from the POV that you’ve describing it. You’re able to see it for what it is in real time. You have the knowledge and tools to understand it. I’m proud of you for that. Going deeper, you’re able to be here for others. You know, there are times that I just wish that this stuff would leave me alone. I know the consequences of stuffing it, though. You understand BPD and NPD. You know what’s up and I’m glad to have crossed paths with you. You’ve helped me and trust me when I say that I need it.
I can relate to how your mom abused your brother while he was sick. I’m sorry that that happened, but it was an eye opener. My mom abused my grandma with Alzheimer’s. She would hit her and verbally berate her daily. She would make her cry. She was already confused due to her mental state, but mom would put the cherry on top every time.
z
, I’m sorry to be making this about me and what I’ve been through, but you have no idea how thankful I am to have this sounding board. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Tomorrow, many children are going to share a hearty meal and celebrate their mother’s life. I’m happy for them. I mean that. I’ve seen it, I’ve just never felt it. I never will. I think that that is what hurts the most. All of my hopes between us died with them.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #7 on:
May 11, 2019, 08:17:36 PM »
Harri
. I want to open this comment by saying you’re a total Rock Star and that the work that you do here is priceless and amazing. You help so many people. If we were in person it would be a fist bump and a .
I’m with you on choices. Maybe it’s not popular. So what. Maybe the choices we made saved us. Choice isn’t granted to us by a piece of paper or anything like that. Our choice is a piece of us. Forgive my crazy talk, I’m totally emotional right now, but we do have a choice, and it’s visible to all. Go down the rabbit hole knowing that bad things await, or don’t. Maybe sit at the opening and through pieces of a stick down the hole to see if anything would come of it. Not recommended, either.
I understand your thoughts on forgiveness. We can forgive the dead and feel like we’re done with it all. At the end of the day, we only need to forgive ourselves. This goes really deep. No need for explanation here. For the lurkers, why do we need to forgive ourselves when we experienced or are experiencing abuse? Chime in soon.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Zabava
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 320
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #8 on:
May 11, 2019, 08:53:38 PM »
JNChell,
I have also been struggling this mother's day weekend. My mother is 79 and relatively mellow these days. It is a good question you pose about why we need to forgive ourselves when we ourselves were abused. I know in my case I feel bad about my crazy BPD behaviours in the distant and not so distant past.
I also know how that death doesn't end bad feelings. My Dad died in 2000 and I feel very haunted and angry and guilty about his failure to protect me and my sister and also because I couldn't save him. Don't beat yourself up...I have realized that these ocassions are going to so hard now that I'm facing the reality of abuse.
And maybe it's not so much about forgiving ourselves as it is about loving ourselves and believing we are worthy and valuable. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad.
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #9 on:
May 11, 2019, 09:42:08 PM »
z
, thanks for being here. I’m sorry about your dad. It sucks that we had no one to protect us. At this point in time, I can go back and be sitting in the same room. It’s so weird how this stuff works.
I feel bad about many of my behaviors as well. I did things that I wish I could take back, but when I go to that place and think, I understand what took me there in the first place. I hope that makes sense:
Girl, we were placed on this Earth without many options. Somehow, we found our way. Beaten , battered and torn we escaped the real darkness. However, we’re tasked to look at it.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
zachira
Ambassador
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3490
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #10 on:
May 11, 2019, 09:54:04 PM »
Maybe Mother's Day could be a different sort of celebration for those of us who have had to mother ourselves. It takes enormous courage to be different from those who abused us and to take the high road. I do think that once we have turned off most of the bad tapes that were imprinted in our brains by our abusers, and we celebrate our worth, genuinely feel the love for ourselves and the shame is pretty much gone, than we have a lot of things to give ourselves credit for.
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #11 on:
May 11, 2019, 10:03:25 PM »
Zabava
, this is such a great post. You’re right. It does take a lot of courage to differentiate ourselves from our abusers. We were led down that path but saw that it wasn’t right. We didn’t take the bait. It was a fight and it still is. Thanks for making the fight easier.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #12 on:
May 11, 2019, 10:18:36 PM »
zachira
, I’m still trying to figure out your handle, but I agree with you. We have to figure out our self worth on our own. We weren’t taught this very important aspect of life. I try to instill this into S4 as much as possible. He gets annoyed by it. It’s so damn important.
We have a lot to give ourselves credit for. We’re survivors. I can outline that, but we would both get bored. z, you spend a lot of time helping around here. How are you feeling?
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Zabava
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 320
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #13 on:
May 11, 2019, 10:23:13 PM »
You're welcome.
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3490
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #14 on:
May 11, 2019, 11:10:08 PM »
JNChell:
One of the best ways to enhance our self worth is to help others who appreciate it. For me, the most rewarding way to help others is to listen to them and validate them. So few people have real listening skills and are just waiting to jump in with their story and/or advice. You do a lot of good listening and validating others. My biggest joy is interacting with children and validating them. I was not lucky enough to have children of my own. I would think being a good father to your son would repair a lot of the hurt you feel from not having loving parents.
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #15 on:
May 12, 2019, 06:48:35 AM »
That really makes sense,
z
. I’ve never really recognized it, but it is a nice feeling to do things for others that can appreciate it. I could go deeper on this, but I think I’ll leave it right where you placed it. I think that that’s a healthy place to view it from.
When it comes to listening, I have a good friend that is how you described. Most of our communication is me listening to and validating her. I don’t mind all that much. The tools have made it easier. She does have a lot on her plate so I give her room to express her burdens. She has a toddler with SMA Type 2 (Spinal Muscular Atrophy). She’s on constant alert, so I empathize with her. She’s also always ready with advice when I ask...also, when I don’t. She’s a good and loyal friend. I’m blessed to know her.
I love interacting with children as well. When I pick S4 up from daycare, some of the other kids always approach me with little stories and comments. I always walk away from that with a smile. Their innocence is so priceless and they don’t even know it yet. I hope that they’re all being treated well.
Have you ever considered adopting or fostering children? I think that you’d be a rockstar at it. You and I know from experience that there are children in need of caring guardians.
Being a father has been good for me, but I’m mindful about where I end and he begins. He’s his own individual. I’m careful about not putting him in a place where he’s an extension of me. I think I’m doing ok, but his mother isn’t around to validate my parenting. She never did, anyway. Yes, that was bitterness.. He’s a good boy. I believe that he’s still struggling with the fact that his mom and dad can’t be together. He has to constantly adjust back and forth between 2 dynamics. I’ve given up on trying to discuss my concerns with his mom. It’s no different than when we were together (if it can even be called that). Silence or rage are the only responses. It could be worse. His mom and I could be stuck in a never ending court battle. It was on the table for a while, but neither of us want that. I think that we both know how hurtful that it would end up, and I believe that she fears exposure. I guess that this went off on a bit of a tangent. Thank you for allowing that space.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Libra
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 264
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #16 on:
May 13, 2019, 02:32:11 AM »
Excerpt
I’ve seen it, I’ve just never felt it. I never will. I think that that is what hurts the most. All of
my hopes
between us died with them.
What were you hopes,
JNChell
? Would knowing the tools have been able to realize these hopes?
Logged
Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. ~ Confucius.
Libra
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 264
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #17 on:
May 13, 2019, 07:09:05 AM »
I apologize if my question sounds harsh or judgmental. It is not meant that way.
Logged
Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. ~ Confucius.
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #18 on:
May 13, 2019, 08:08:42 AM »
Hi,
Libra
. My hopes would’ve been that knowing what I know now would’ve allowed me to navigate the situation differently. That maybe I could’ve found a way to be heard and understood. Possibly even apologized to. I know that it’s unlikely that the tools would’ve provided me with a different outcome and that hope is futile. I guess that it’s just one of those lingering thoughts. The same old wish of wanting things to be different. It’s finite, though. They’ve passed on and I wish that these thoughts and feelings would follow them because they belong to them. Thanks for reaching out. I appreciate it.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #19 on:
May 13, 2019, 08:12:38 AM »
No apology is necessary. You met me where I am and I appreciate it.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Libra
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 264
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #20 on:
May 13, 2019, 08:29:03 AM »
JNChell
,
I know those feelings all too well.
I want a warm, loving hug from my mother. Instead I am LC and have to use grey rock to keep that going.
To quote a very wise Parrot: I think that's where radical acceptance comes into play.
Alive or dead, we have to accept - to truly accept - that our parent(s) couldn't and never will be there for us.
Logged
Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. ~ Confucius.
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #21 on:
May 13, 2019, 08:59:05 AM »
I think that you and the Board Parrot are right. Where I’m at with things, it’s easy to lose focus of RA. Thank you for reminding me.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
zachira
Ambassador
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3490
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #22 on:
May 13, 2019, 12:59:17 PM »
I think the biggest part of acceptance is accepting that you are a person worthy of love and able to love others despite having parents that abused you. For me, acceptance is not about accepting the abuse, because any kind of abuse is never acceptable.
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520
Re: Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
«
Reply #23 on:
May 13, 2019, 06:12:21 PM »
I know that you’re right,
z
. My day has been filled with disappointment for the most part. Since I’ve started this work, the holidays just don’t go over well. I thought that I had come farther than what I felt and displayed yesterday. Maybe I should try to prepare for when I know these days are approaching. I need to recognize them as triggers until they’re not anymore. I feel embarrassed that, as a man at 42, I dysregulate like that. I become a sobbing mess. I’m glad that you all were here to receive in the shape that I was in, but I’m just tired of it. It’s becoming annoying. Old ghosts that I wish would just leave me alone. How do we set boundaries with people that visit us, uninvited, in our dreams? Thanks for continuing to reach out.
Logged
“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
>
Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
> Topic:
Mother’s Day: My mom died in 2010
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...