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Author Topic: UBPDw business venture in disarray  (Read 374 times)
CBR2013

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: May 12, 2019, 07:56:49 PM »

Hello all,
My wife and I have been married for 5 1/2 yrs and the last 3 yrs have been significantly stressful for us. Through this period of time we have sought various counselors and one of them made me aware of my wife's possible BPD diagnosis. After spending lots of time in BPD books, forums and other media, I believe this to be a very accurate assumption. Our relationship has currently improved after a 2-3 yr seeemingly endless downturn.
One of the major issues that we have dealt with throughout our marriage is my wife's financial irresponsibility. For the first 1-2 yrs of marriage we managed finances separately until the birth of our first child. She then decided to stay home full time and the evidence of her spending became quite obvious. At the time, I took certain measures to prevent financial insecurity for our family.
After having our second child, she wanted to start a MLM business to have additional money that she could contribute to the family. We invested a significant amount of money and (I thought we had an agreement of expectations for earning the money back) started her business. Cutting to the chase, she has been very irresponsible with the finances and administrative aspects of her business which has subsequently led to many more thousands poured out of our (my) pocket. Despite multiple bail outs and attempts at making plans to improve the business, my efforts continue to be fruitless. For the past year I have implored my wife to shut down the business and stop the financial and legal liability she is placing on the family unit. Her answer is a flat refusal. There is no budging.
We have had practical conversations, heated arguments, and soul-baring sob fits over this complete gridlock. I believe that her refusal is based in a fear or sense of worthlessness if she were to fold her business. I understand the concept of her social image and interactions, perceived reputation and her feeling of contribution to other women. I have explained my understanding and empathized with her over these, while simultaneously  trying to show her the negative impact the business has had and on our relationship and family for the past several years. It's as if it doesn't mean as much as her image to other people. 
I am at a point where I have asked her nicely enough times to terminate the business d/t her mismanagement and financial irresponsibility. She typically refuses and/or threatens to divorce me if I make her do it (I am very concerned of the fallout on me and the kids if I cancel the business). Yet another no-win situation.
I am hoping there is some advice for how we can find some more common ground about the pros and cons of continuing/stopping the business and/or how to get actionable results. Thanks in advance.
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itsmeSnap
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2019, 04:08:23 PM »

Excerpt
Despite multiple bail outs and attempts at making plans to improve the business, my efforts continue to be fruitless.
My parents were in a similar situation, except mom switched businesses like it was breakfast cereal. It strained the relationship right up to divorce (though it was not the only factor just fyi, dad is possibly/likely BPD).

Anyway, things improved tremendously when they separated and my dad stopped paying for the failing businesses. Mom had to work through things, and she ended up getting a job instead.

Now, its not the same situation, but you're playing a losing game pouring money down a bad business. That's just economics. on the personal side, you're letting money drag your relationship down with it, also not good.

Excerpt
I am hoping there is some advice for how we can find some more common ground about the pros and cons of continuing/stopping the business and/or how to get actionable results
I cannot tell you what to do, and this is not advice. What I would do is just restate things: You want your business, that's fine, it is YOUR business. I have the family taken care of, I'm sure you will do your best.

Excerpt
She typically refuses and/or threatens to divorce me if I make her do it (I am very concerned of the fallout on me and the kids if I cancel the business)
Compare that to the fallout of still pouring money into it and still having to "cancel" it due to not having any more money to pour, plus the extended emotional strain.

ok I'm most definitely biased here, it worked out "better" for our family to just let those failing businesses crumble under their own weight, parents divorce and all.

Hopefully someone else can come along and share a more "personal/relationship oriented" look at your situation.
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CBR2013

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2019, 12:10:40 PM »

Thanks Snap, I appreciate the response. I know I'm not the only person to face the continual financial bailouts and stonewalling. I hope to avoid concluding our relationship instead of the business. There is obviously independent end points to both, though it seems they are intertwined. The most frustrating part for me is realizing that my wife doesn't prioritize the stability of our relationship or our financial wellbeing over her personal/emotional needs. Having conversations with her that show hard numbers and facts is futile to have an effect on her (in fact she becomes more enraged that I point out issues in her business as the result of her mismanagement).  It makes me more despondent about having a truly fulfilling marriage with her knowing that at the core, it's her interests that are of importance and not our mutually agreed upon interests/priorities.
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itsmeSnap
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2019, 01:09:16 AM »

Excerpt
The most frustrating part for me is realizing that my wife doesn't prioritize the stability of our relationship or our financial wellbeing over her personal/emotional needs
Understanding where she's coming from makes a big difference, if you can see it through her eyes maybe its not about damaging the relationship but a frantic (and largely unsuccessful) effort to make things work.

Excerpt
in fact she becomes more enraged that I point out issues in her business as the result of her mismanagement
Nobody likes being told we're a failure, BPD or not. Even if she is failing at her business, approaching it as a supporting statement can maybe soften the conflict.

And remember that BPD is often counter intuitive, if I may be not so serious about a serious situation, maybe by encouraging her to make it work she'll let it go just to spite you

So, if having kids needs covered is part of the reason she wanted the business, its worth exploring.

I read a situation where a woman was desperate to find money/a business to be self reliant enough to not depend on her abusive husband, who wanted to take away her special needs daughter's insurance.

You see, if she feels like there's issues with the marriage, it can be a (self defeating) defense mechanism to want that extra income as a lifeline in case you as "good income sole provider" decide to end it with her (BPD's abandonment anxiety is a defining trait).

What do you think?
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GaGrl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2019, 09:13:11 AM »

How is the business structured? Is it joint? LLC in one of both names? Incorporated? Are taxes filed on a Schedule C along with your joint taxes? Or filed separately as an incorporated business?

Depending on the business structure, you have various options. If she wants to continue the business at her own risk and costs, you can extricate yourself legally so that you are no longer liable.
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