How to make the pwBPD to start devalue and ditch me? I actually want this

[DanMR]

I am dating for 1yr my gf who I think she has BPD.

She "devalues" me (gets angry easy, not talking, she's mean etc) for maximum 1-2 days then she's normal or even "idealise" me for 1-2 weeks and the cycles repeats.

That began after 6 months of relationship with her.

I push her more towards the "fear of engulfment" as me I live with her in her country and I don't know many persons there besides her.

But I want to separate from her and return to my country, even tho I am attached to her.

I think it would be much easier if she starts to really devalue me and she ditches me. Me just to leave like that would be clearly more difficult , as for the moment she idealise me more then she devalues me.

I feel she gets more and more angry at me as we advance in the Relationship, but it's very difficult just to "wait" that our Relationship gets worser and worser so she can actually ditch me.

What do you advise me? How to "force" and hurry the things?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Hey...could you go into some more detail about your reluctance to just leave?

What happens when you bring up her bad behavior?  Perhaps that is a way to start the "I'm leaving" conversation. 

"Hey...when you do (blank) it really hurts me.  This isn't working for me anymore." 

What else needs to be said?

FF

[itsmeSnap]

Hey...could you go into some more detail about your reluctance to just leave?

I would also like to know more, particularly since you say you are still attached. is it a "let me go back to my country so we could possibly be long distance in the future" kind of thing?

How to "force" and hurry the things?

A simple way is to just say things straight up. And let me walk you through why I think its the best way:

First and foremost, it is what it is. A breakup is a difficult thing and if you're set on it then why beat around the bush. It seems you want to do it like this to not hurt her, or to avoid blame. Whatever the cause, there will be a lot of emotions around.

Second, breaking up will most certainly make her feel rejected (she is being rejected..), often with BPD, minor rejections can cause a split (not wanting to spend time together, hanging out with friends instead of the partner, not agreeing with them, etc) so a major rejection like this would likely be a shock to her either way.

Also Third, you will need her help in moving out, its her place (it seems) and you will need cooperation to arrange for things to be moved, things paid for (shared bills, etc), and other practicalities (pets? passports/visas/residency requirements?)

So, more info needed. Why the need for her to dump you instead of a "friendly/arranged breakup"?

[DanMR]

I would want like this in order to make it easier for he and for me, and also to reduce the "blame" for me (it would be just easy to leave if she ditches me)

I live with her but it would be easy to leave, only to pack my things and that's all.

If I tell her that I plan to leave, she will became quickly attached again and idealise me again... till the new cycle kicks in again and so on...

I want to end the relationships because it leads to nowhere.
Me I want stability, kids, a woman that it s always there for me etc

 I am sure she cannot provide me this. I do not imagine not at all my whole life with her like the current state of our relationships... and I did not yet see the worst I am sure...

[formflier]

Big picture:  Doing things...to get someone else to "do things" (like break up with you) is usually wasted effort.  Especially when BPD is in the mix, because many times things are counter-intuitive. 

I wouldn't be shocked if you "pushed" her away that she "chased" after you.  Also...if you pursued her..she may push you away.

You just never know.

So..what can you know?  You an know what you are going to do and how you feel.  You control that 100%.  Which is why I would strongly advise owning this decision and moving forward towards the life you want to lead..that expresses your values.

Let your pwBPD experience her own feelings...rather than try to manipulate them into a certain place.

Best,

FF

[otherlife]

Honesty is the best policy, many feel pwBPD manipulate the situation, maybe so do maybe some dont.  However if we non start manipulating surely we are giving grounds to creating an unsafe environment.  Also you feel she is fighting enmeshment, maybe she is fighting to stay because she wants the relationship but feels she is loosing herself or too afraid of her feelings.  We never truly know but if that is the case she needs to know you have doubts and want different things she cant know that unless you tell her.   For me parting with kindness and compassion is the better way to go, however I realise I know little of your situation so please do not take offence at my directness. 

[DanMR]

So finally it was me that dumped her, even tho she's the one that threatened often and sugested we should quit each other.

She started more and more often her cycles of getting angry without reason and telling we should dump each other, I should leave etc

And so I packed and leaved for a few days, then she started acting very very nice that she desperetely wants me back.

I came back, and in 1-2 weeks she started slowly again to be mean without reason, not talk etc

So I left again, this time forever I hope.

2 weeks had passed, I do talk with her, and she sends me messages all the time that she wants me to came back, that I am her greatest thing, she promise she will change etc etc

Me I just want to resist, forget her and move along with my life, because I don't see no futur with her.

What do you think?

[formflier]

What do you think?

I think she has shown you who she is and what she can bring to a relationship.

If that's what you are into..then keep her in mind.  If that's not your thing..move along.

Best,

FF