When BPD Mom is rational and concerned about me, why does it upset me?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom and I had a yelling, fight episode that started with her saying that I disrespected her. This was 2 weekends ago.
She left this last Saturday, before Mother's Day. ( I wanted her to go but I also wanted her to stay.) I left a bouquet of flowers on the table, a mothers day card, and a newspaper that I saved about youngest brother. I went to work Saturday morning from 8-12ish. I told her before I left that I thought my husband had plans he wanted to do and that I was thankful she was watching my son. I also told her that I might be going to my best friends kid's birthday party after work and I still had to get a present. I didn't get off work until 1. I didn't get home until 2. My husband ended up staying home all day because it rained. Mom get my son all dressed and was trying to keep him awake to go to the party. She ended up leaving and going back to TN before I got home. Took the card and newspaper and left the flowers. When I texted her about the flowers...she said "I wasn't sure that those were for me!" Even though it was all nicely stacked together on the table.
Now, she is sending me nice text messages acting like she understands and that she's a bad mother, etc. She texts me about how she doesn't want to "push me", she wants to know if i'm okay, how you don't get a second change when your a mother to fix the relationship, that she knows she has many faults, she genuinely wants what's best for my brothers and me, it was important to her that i had a stable home, she wanted to protect me and give me a less fearful life than she had, that it was important that I was independent, that she wanted to teach us gratitude, she wanted to teach me self care and have respect for myself and others, that she knows I'm struggling with my raising and that it must be difficult for me, and she hopes i can find healing, that she give anything to take that away from me, she hates that she failed me, that she loves me and my brother, and that she is truly sorry, and that she will always be here for me.
 
I don't know how to respond to this. Maybe that is cold of me.  Maybe I am oversensitive and taking offense to things that I should not. For most people, I assume that would think that this is nice and that I should take it to heart. My GUT FEELING is that is PATRONIZING. I am trying to consider it something truer and more optimistic but I don't know if it is the truth. It is her truth at that moment. I have no idea if she believes any of this BS***. I know I'm being to hard but I'm not letting her in just to take control.

[LumosNox22]

My mom and I had a yelling, fight episode that started with her saying that I disrespected her. This was 2 weekends ago.
She left this last Saturday, before Mother's Day. ( I wanted her to go but I also wanted her to stay.) I left a bouquet of flowers on the table, a mothers day card, and a newspaper that I saved about youngest brother. I went to work Saturday morning from 8-12ish. I told her before I left that I thought my husband had plans he wanted to do and that I was thankful she was watching my son. I also told her that I might be going to my best friends kid's birthday party after work and I still had to get a present. I didn't get off work until 1. I didn't get home until 2. My husband ended up staying home all day because it rained. Mom get my son all dressed and was trying to keep him awake to go to the party. She ended up leaving and going back to TN before I got home. Took the card and newspaper and left the flowers. When I texted her about the flowers...she said "I wasn't sure that those were for me!" Even though it was all nicely stacked together on the table.
Now, she is sending me nice text messages acting like she understands and that she's a bad mother, etc. She texts me about how she doesn't want to "push me", she wants to know if i'm okay, how you don't get a second change when your a mother to fix the relationship, that she knows she has many faults, she genuinely wants what's best for my brothers and me, it was important to her that i had a stable home, she wanted to protect me and give me a less fearful life than she had, that it was important that I was independent, that she wanted to teach us gratitude, she wanted to teach me self care and have respect for myself and others, that she knows I'm struggling with my raising and that it must be difficult for me, and she hopes i can find healing, that she give anything to take that away from me, she hates that she failed me, that she loves me and my brother, and that she is truly sorry, and that she will always be here for me.
 
I don't know how to respond to this. Maybe that is cold of me.  Maybe I am oversensitive and taking offense to things that I should not. For most people, I assume that would think that this is nice and that I should take it to heart. My GUT FEELING is that is PATRONIZING. I am trying to consider it something truer and more optimistic but I don't know if it is the truth. It is her truth at that moment. I have no idea if she believes any of this BS***. I know I'm being to hard but I'm not letting her in just to take control.

[livednlearned]

If you have had an ongoing or past fantasy about your mom being capable of genuine intimacy only to have that fantasy smashed to pieces, it makes sense why her gesture would activate your defenses.

You know her gesture can be both genuine and fleeting, it is not a forward momentum it's more of a pendulum and for now it swung this way.

Both of my parents are emotionally immature. When I built up emotional strength and gave up the fantasy that they are capable of intimacy, they often moved toward me. I would move toward them and they would pull back. Too much intimacy is scary for them so they only come toward me when it feels safe for them to do so. If I reciprocate or reach for them emotionally, they skitter away.

Now that I see the pattern and know what to expect, I check myself. Sometimes I reply with a brief response, and sometimes I will find the emotionally safe parts of the message and stick to that thread.

I don't expect things to change unless it's something I'm doing for myself  

[GaGrl]

What you are sending is common in children of pwPD. My stepdaughter is highly suspicious of her mother's motives ( my DH was married to her for a number of years; she is uNPD/BPD). She tells me that she still sometimes falls for what she terms an "emotional seduction" and either access a gift that later costs her something, or she shares a confidence that is later used against het. She has learned how important it is to maintain her boundaries.

I suspect you are highly intuitive and are in the process of learning to trust that intuition.

What do you think you can reply to your mother to express appreciation for her message while protecting your boundaries?

[LumosNox22]

"emotional seduction" and either access a gift that later costs her something, or she shares a confidence that is later used against her

This is constant. I always feel like everything comes with a price or consequence. I feel guilt either way I play the board.

The only positive things, I understand mom and I love you or no reply at all.

But neither of those make her see my POV but maybe I should let go of that? I just not ready to yet. I am an open book. Unfortunately I word vomit everything or nothing. Then when I do it goes back to be used against us. I guess I just have this terrible empty hole when it comes to her.

[Sunfl0wer]

Chiming in to say I don’t see it as unreasonable to proceed with caution to a pwBPD and be cautious about opening up to their “reality of the moment.”

I am similar in that I would be not be easily warmed to a moment of “pull behavior” as I am aware and experiencing my relationships with a person within a greater context than just a single moment.  Seems that many with BPD are behaving very much in the moment of their current emotional state for that time as though their current state of emotions is the only reality possible.

There is nothing my sister with BPD could possibly speak to earn my trust and for me to even begin thinking of becoming vulnerable with myself to her on any level.

However, having said that, if her behavior began to consistently demonstrate some respect for others and appreciation of others over a significant period of time, say a year or so vs the consistent pervasive attitude of utter entitlement and disregard for everyone not herself... I may take note and be curious what happened.  (Yet I doubt I would ever be close enough to get reported such event happening... nor do I believe it possible.. yet I try to believe nothing is impossible somehow.)

As it stands and has stood ever since I have known her... my sister with BPD can be relied on to consistently cycle through push/pull behaviors with the overarching attitude of entitlement (she seems to have possessed at her birth) and goal of earnestly endeavoring to collect “reparations done unto her” by anyone willing to spend time in her circle.  

[Harri]

But neither of those make her see my POV but maybe I should let go of that? I just not ready to yet. I am an open book. Unfortunately I word vomit everything or nothing. Then when I do it goes back to be used against us. I guess I just have this terrible empty hole when it comes to her.

Wanting to be heard and seen is a natural thing.  We have to learn to protect our self though.  Your mom is who she is.  Chances are, she meant what she said to you.  For her it was genuine.  For you... well, you have experienced this before so you know you can not rely on her or expect to be seen and heard.   Knowing something and being able to change or manage your emotional response around it is something else entirely.  As livedandlearned mentioned, it makes sense that you are reacting the way you are.  Her description of the process applied to me.   

I feel guilt either way I play the board.

Then the only thing to do is to do what is right for you and in keeping with your own personal values.  We can't act on hope, guilt, love, a sense of obligation alone. 

[Notwendy]

I made a similar post a while back about how it is harder to deal with my BPD mother when she is nice to me than when she is angry at me.

My mother is very manipulative. She also lies constantly, to the point where, even if she is telling the truth- I can't tell if she is being truthful or lying to me so I don't trust what she says to me.

Often she is nice to me when she wants something and is trying to manipulate me. It is possible that she is being nice at times because she wants to be, but I can't tell the difference.

My discomfort with her being nice to me is that I can't trust her. She's taken advantage of my trust so many times, I just can't trust her. When she's angry and painting me black- that's when she is most authentic. He "nice" is often faked. So I'll take authentic over fake.

[LumosNox22]

I guess that is the true gist of my situation. I only believe what she says when she's mad. I feel people are most honest when they're mad or irritated. Sometimes, I am most honest when I'm angry as well but that is not very often.

The niceness feels like she's placating me or patronizing me. It's a double edged sword.

[livednlearned]

The niceness feels like she's placating me or patronizing me. It's a double edged sword.

Some of the brain science of emotion dysregulation can explain why a person at emotional baseline is able to think and act in ways that seem *normal*.

With the pwBPD in my life, she is on the roller coaster all the time. I can get off, but she can only slow down until the next loop begins. When she is still and calm and regulated, she seems to have some recognition and self-awareness. Then she typically feels bad about something she did and the shame bloom grows and we're back to the dysregulated behaviors.