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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Living with an emotional terrorist part 2  (Read 372 times)
WitzEndWife
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« on: May 07, 2019, 02:41:35 PM »

This is a continuation of a previous thread:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336198.0

We live in an urban area where, unfortunately, we hear gunfire a lot. There was a full-blown shoot-out in our alley. Apparently this past weekend was particularly violent all over the city. I am certainly concerned about this being an indication of a very scary summer.

As for H, he has dropped it for now, but no doubt it will reappear in the future. He is focused on going out of town for the weekend. I'm looking forward to some relaxation and alone time.

This will be a good time to regroup I think. I have had an extremely stressful week at work, so it's time to work back the "red line" here and get back to my green "chill" zone so I can keep taking care of myself. I find that when things are particularly stressful at work, I tend to try to make things go away with my husband, or appease him more than when they aren't. I am good at setting boundaries when I'm green through orange, but when I hit red, I am not great. I just want to hit "Snooze" or do whatever I need to do to make it stop.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2019, 01:52:59 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
formflier
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« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2019, 03:11:17 PM »


Did you make a police report about your property damage? 

Make sure they connect it to the incident close to you and you are either included in that report or get a copy of it if you are "linked" to it.

Never know when they will grab someone that is involved and perhaps you can recover damages.

FF
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2019, 05:31:39 PM »

The neighbor reported it, as we weren't home. But yeah, it was not a fun thing to come home to, that's for sure. I do hope they can curb some of this nonsense before summer begins.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2019, 02:28:18 AM »

Staying silent never works, they need engagement, as this at least shows you are listening and is the first step of validation. However this does not mean you need to be drawn into either agreeing or debating. That inevitably tricks you into invalidating, and making a bad situation worse

If it continues to go to a bad place, then staying and remaining silent is taken as being passive aggressive. Which they will take as you being abusive towards them, and they go into victim mode, and you are lumped in with all the rest of the "villains". Stay to long and you will react, and thereby supply the "evidence" of your guilt.

Actively taking yourself somewhere else not only helps your own mind from imploding, especially if you do it early enough, means there is demonstrable consequences to their behaviour. Though don't expect immediate behaviour changes, it is nudging it in the right direction.

Always ask yourself "Do I feel like a target?", if the answer is yes, and I mean "feel" rather than trying to justify it in a technical sense, then remove yourself from the range.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2019, 10:29:29 AM »

Great advice from waverider.

I can testify to how silence seems passive aggressive. My husband will often go silent when he is aware that he is likely to say something that he will regret.

I have an excellent poker face and a very long fuse (training from having a BPD mother and 2 BPD husbands) and almost never feel or exhibit anger. But when he's suddenly silent, when I thought we were having a conversation, I can feel anger quickly build within me.

Fortunately I have good coping skills and self dialog and I don't need to express it externally. I can imagine if intentional silence triggers me like this, that pwBPD who don't have emotional regulation skills could easily become enraged.
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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2019, 12:32:51 PM »

 especially if you do it early enough, means there is demonstrable consequences to their behaviour. Though don't expect immediate behaviour changes, it is nudging it in the right direction.
 

I've been doing this a long time and this morning was an example of when it paid off.  Over the long term...it's slowly "nudging" in the right way.

I'll try to make this quick.

We are snuggling in bed..I can tell she is restless...likely ruminating about something.  Yesterday we took a ton of pics at my graduation and we were both looking through them on our phones and sharing back and forth.

Well...I picked one where I commented I thought FFw looked especially good.  I also said something along the lines of "that was a nice moment".  I'm in my cap and gown and she was looking up at me..vice at the camera.  Pretty sure I was tickling her a bit.

Anyway...she exclaims..that's a horrible picture of me...how can you like that?  I said "oh my..what is it you don't like about it?"  

FFw "You mean you don't know?"

FF "No..I don't"

FFw "oh my gosh..it' so obvious...let me show you on other pictures"  She finds another picture of another person with their eyes closed.  "See...see how bad it looks when their eyes are closed"

FF  "Yes..I could have sworn your eyes are open in the other picture".  I pull it back up and yes her eyes were open.  "I don't want to argue about the picture..but I would like to understand your point of view."

FFw "Oh..so you like that picture because I'm looking at you, even though I look bad.  Why are you being so stubborn about this?"

I'm now sure this is going off the rails.
 
FF  "This seems important to you.  Listen..We don't have to agree if you look good or bad.  I would like understand your point of view, yet I'm fine if you don't want to share. "

Kaboom...she cranked up the attack a couple levels.

I really don't know what she said.  Once I heard "You this and you that" in the accusatory way..I got up out of the bed and left the room.

I did stuff in the kitchen for a few minutes...went back in the room because I needed something I left in there and she didn't speak to me.  

About 10 minutes later she comes out and says "I'm going to try to be nice to you..."

Then she nicely lectured me about picture taking and she would just have to be ok with me not getting it.  My writing "lectured" might be a bit strong.

Then we had a really nice rest of the morning together.

The "moral" of my story is that as soon as the accusatory "you" came out...I was gone.  I didn't say anything.  She knows the drill...I've explained it in the past.

FF


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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2019, 12:17:53 PM »

Yeah, I think identifying when I'm the subject of the attack and getting out before it starts escalating is going to be key for me not to JADE. I can only listen for so long before I'm triggered to start, "Listen here, buddy"-ing.

He started in yesterday because he was angry that I didn't buy him a gallon of iced coffee while he was out of town. I kind of did this intentionally because I think coffee contributes to his anxiety, and thought maybe, just maybe, he would try living without it if I didn't bring it into the house. Boy, was I wrong.

Of course, he saw this as some symbol of rejection, and also projected some anxiety out about needing to get up super early in the morning. He's one of those weird people who doesn't need an alarm clock, but he insists coffee keeps him motivated. At any rate, he got super snippy with me over it, and I said, "What would you like us to do about it this evening?" That seemed to diffuse the situation.

I have noticed a pattern with him. Something triggers his anxiety and he feels compelled to get control over the situation as a way to feel secure. His need to control is almost impulsive.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2019, 02:14:00 PM »

He started in yesterday because he was angry that I didn't buy him a gallon of iced coffee while he was out of town. 

Hey...can you give us some he said..she said on how this went down?  He gets back...figures out no iced coffee..and...

Had he asked nicely for it?  Had you given him any assurances?

This is such a random thing...I think you should pick it as a turning point (if my hunch is correct)

Best,

FF
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