especially if you do it early enough, means there is demonstrable consequences to their behaviour. Though don't expect immediate behaviour changes, it is nudging it in the right direction.
I've been doing this a long time and this morning was an example of when it paid off. Over the long term...it's slowly "nudging" in the right way.
I'll try to make this quick.
We are snuggling in bed..I can tell she is restless...likely ruminating about something. Yesterday we took a ton of pics at my graduation and we were both looking through them on our phones and sharing back and forth.
Well...I picked one where I commented I thought FFw looked especially good. I also said something along the lines of "that was a nice moment". I'm in my cap and gown and she was looking up at me..vice at the camera. Pretty sure I was tickling her a bit.
Anyway...she exclaims..that's a horrible picture of me...how can you like that? I said "oh my..what is it you don't like about it?"
FFw "You mean you don't know?"
FF "No..I don't"
FFw "oh my gosh..it' so obvious...let me show you on other pictures" She finds another picture of another person with their eyes closed. "See...see how bad it looks when their eyes are closed"
FF "Yes..I could have sworn your eyes are open in the other picture". I pull it back up and yes her eyes were open. "I don't want to argue about the picture..but I would like to understand your point of view."
FFw "Oh..so you like that picture because I'm looking at you, even though I look bad. Why are you being so stubborn about this?"
I'm now sure this is going off the rails.
FF "This seems important to you. Listen..We don't have to agree if you look good or bad. I would like understand your point of view, yet I'm fine if you don't want to share. "
Kaboom...she cranked up the attack a couple levels.
I really don't know what she said. Once I heard "You this and you that" in the accusatory way..I got up out of the bed and left the room.
I did stuff in the kitchen for a few minutes...went back in the room because I needed something I left in there and she didn't speak to me.
About 10 minutes later she comes out and says "I'm going to try to be nice to you..."
Then she nicely lectured me about picture taking and she would just have to be ok with me not getting it. My writing "lectured" might be a bit strong.
Then we had a really nice rest of the morning together.
The "moral" of my story is that as soon as the accusatory "you" came out...I was gone. I didn't say anything. She knows the drill...I've explained it in the past.
FF