Learned Behaviors or Inherited BPD?

[trekchic1701]

Hi! I’m new to the forum. I’m about halfway through the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, which a friend recommended based on my descriptions of my mother. It does seem that my mom fits many of the traits of BPD and NPD, and I’m finding the book both helpful and validating.

However, my big concern now is that I also seem to fit some of the BPD traits, mostly lashing out irrationally at loved ones. I’m wondering: what are some ways I can start sorting out the difference between possible symptoms of BPD and the behavior that I learned from my mother? Do you all worry about similar things?

I do know from years of therapy that I have chronic depression, and I’ve learned lots of great emotion management skills there. But my immediate reaction to feeling overwhelmed is to lash out, just like my mom does. It’s worrisome, because I don’t want to continue the cycle of abuse.

[Libra]

Hi trekchic1701,

Welcome!

Yes, many of us share the same worry. 
I think every child learns many of their behaviors based on their parents' example. Growing up in a unhealthy or sometimes unsafe environment has not provided us with a stable base to learn healthy coping strategies.  The good news is that – as an adult – we can become aware of this and start to understand and change these ingrained reactions.

Reacting similarly to your pwBPD in some situations does not mean you have BPD. The fact that you are asking these questions, that you are reaching out here, and that you are willing to work on yourself all suggest the opposite. 

You have found the perfect supportive site here for sharing, healing and learning.
I’m sure our more senior members will help you a lot more, I just wanted to welcome you already!

 

Libra.

[Panda39]

Hi trekchic1701,

Love the moniker 

I'd like to join Libra and welcome you to the group 

I agree you are not alone in asking these questions.  I come at this from a slightly different angle my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters.  I see behaviors that they have that mirror their mother.  Each shows the effects of a dysfunctional mom but neither meet the criteria for BPD (in my humble totally non-professional opinion). 

It is completely normal to question what you may have learned from your mother, we all learn from our parents both the good and the bad.  Your awareness will only help you work on those places you see as a problem and Therapy will continue to be a helpful tool and we can be here for you too.

How often are you lashing out?  Is it frequently?  What do you think might be triggering it?  How are you reacting afterward?

I like to share tools and information from the site the link below is about DBT but also about mindfulness I thought it might be helpful.

DBT/Mindfulness...https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=149500.0

Panda39