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I'm really scared to go home
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Topic: I'm really scared to go home (Read 355 times)
Foxtrot
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3
I'm really scared to go home
«
on:
May 14, 2019, 10:54:22 AM »
Hi, I'm failing in school and my borderline mom just found out. I've been having issues with MDD and have made several attempts to end my life in the past. I'm really scared to go home because my mom will most likely lecture me about how incapable I am and how I should be institutionalized. For every mistake I make, she tells me I can't handle my life and completely freaks out, creating a hectic monologue of screaming which then becomes exclusively about her own suffering and how she wants to hurt herself. I really don't want to sit through an hour of that and I'm already having a pretty bad day. I'm totally lost in what I should do about this.
«
Last Edit: May 18, 2019, 01:01:40 PM by Harri, Reason: changed title according to guideline 1.5
»
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LumosNox22
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 17
Re: I'm really scared to go home
«
Reply #1 on:
May 14, 2019, 01:02:35 PM »
Is there an adult or counselor other than your mom you can talk to? Is your dad or older sibling understanding? MY BPDM and my step-dad were both occasionally abusive but not enough for me to tell anyone about it. Is this the case in your home?
I don't know if there are any good answers other than to reach out to unbiased adult. I'm sorry you're going through this. The truth is you do need to talk to someone outside of your family. Institutionalized is a rough, escalated jump. I hate when my mom rages about how bad I am un-rationally then also throws some truth into the mix. You do need to talk to someone but it's not your fault that you feel bad when your home environment is unstable. It's not your fault.
I remember one time I missed the bus going home from school, because I had to go to the bathroom for "girl" reasons. When I saw the bus was already gone, I immediately started crying while talking to one of the teachers to call my mom. We lived 8 miles from the school and she was enraged that I missed the bus and insisted that I missed it on purpose. Luckily she was not physical but it could've gone either way.
I hope this gives you courage and maybe some peace that you are not alone.
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Last Edit: May 18, 2019, 01:02:08 PM by Harri
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Harri
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Posts: 5981
Re: I'm really scared to go home
«
Reply #2 on:
May 14, 2019, 03:24:16 PM »
Hi
Foxtrot
and welcome.
Are you suicidal now? When will you be going home?
I like
LumosNox
recommendation of talking with someone in person if you can. Real life support can be important. You also have us now too. Another tool you can use if you are feeling anxious is the text line 741-741.
I am so sorry your mom talks to you the way she does. those are very hurtful things too say.
Excerpt
For every mistake I make, she tells me I can't handle my life and completely freaks out, creating a hectic monologue of screaming which then becomes exclusively about her own suffering and how she wants to hurt herself.
It sounds like all of this is about her, not that it then becomes about her. pwBPD are very anxious and do not handle stress very well. One of the defenses they use is called projection where they, unconsciously, take all of the emotions they are feeling but can't handle and project them onto another person. Chances are when she says these things she is not even seeing you.
Try to remember that if she starts up again. Tell yourself (in your head) "this is all about her, not me and she is not even seeing me right now". I used to do that all the time and it helped quite a bit. I used to picture a clear bubble around me where her words just bounced off it. Sounds hokey I know but it worked for me.
I know that is not a long terms solution but it can help in the moment. In the meantime, if you share more about your story we might be able to offer other longer term suggestions.
I am glad you found us and are reaching out for help.
«
Last Edit: May 18, 2019, 01:02:21 PM by Harri
»
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"What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Foxtrot
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3
Re: I'm really scared to go home
«
Reply #3 on:
May 17, 2019, 03:49:12 PM »
Thank you so much! No, I'm not suicidal now, but she does make me very stressed and many times depressed. I do talk with a therapist once a week, and it helps a lot to get things off my chest and process.
I have never tried the technique you suggested and it sounds like it may actually work. It's a good point that you made when you said that she only sees herself. That makes me feel better already. I'll try the technique the next time she says these kinds of things.
While I'm posting, is it okay if I just jot down some recent things?
So during the week, I tend to not sleep very much at all, probably four hours a night. I know it's really bad for my health and I'm trying to go to bed earlier these days, but I'm a really bad procrastinator . Anyway, every Friday I have a ritual of just going home after my after-school club meeting ends and crash. This Friday, though, my mom had a dinner party at another persons house, and she bought some food for everyone there including me (I told her I would go since I thought my week would be light...it wasn't I had a lot of homework). I told her this afternoon that I was way too exhausted to go, and she started saying that I was rude, insensitive, and that I didn't care about any of my loved ones. That it's always about me and I'm a selfish person. I wasn't really sure if she was right about that, and I really want to know if it was actually a bit inconsiderate to tell her I would go to the dinner party and then the day of text her I was too tired. Is she right? Or is she just being abusive? I really can't tell, but whatever it is, I told her a firm no and she said there would be severe consequences for me. I'm not sure what "consequences" means. I just hope it won't be anything physical. I can take hours of screaming and verbal abuse, but not anything physical. I have no idea what to do
«
Last Edit: May 18, 2019, 01:02:36 PM by Harri
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Harri
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Re: I'm really scared to go home
«
Reply #4 on:
May 18, 2019, 12:58:40 PM »
You can write and ask anything!
Excerpt
I told her this afternoon that I was way too exhausted to go, and she started saying that I was rude, insensitive, and that I didn't care about any of my loved ones. That it's always about me and I'm a selfish person. I wasn't really sure if she was right about that, and I really want to know if it was actually a bit inconsiderate to tell her I would go to the dinner party and then the day of text her I was too tired. Is she right? Or is she just being abusive?
I don't think she is right regarding all the things she said about you.
A more typical response (from someone who can regulate their emotions) would be to express disappointment in your change of plans and, depending on the relationship and circumstances, they may feel frustrated that you changed your mind suddenly. Totally normal' right? To use this as an opportunity to verbally abuse you is out of bounds right?
So I don't think it is a simple yes or no answer to your question, or that your question of whether she is right fully covers the issue.
All that said, by no means are you to internalize and take on all of her anger and abusive talk.
What can you say to yourself that will help you separate yourself from her hurtful and abusive words?
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"What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Foxtrot
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3
Re: I'm really scared to go home
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Reply #5 on:
May 22, 2019, 01:44:03 PM »
It's about her, not me. She's not seeing me right now
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Harri
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Posts: 5981
Re: I'm really scared to go home
«
Reply #6 on:
May 22, 2019, 02:38:46 PM »
Yes!
For your reading pleasure:
Projection
I think you would also benefit by learning about the Karpman Drama Triangle. Understand the different roles *we* take in the bad triangulation can help us escape from getting into things with our pwBPD. Here is the article:
Escaping Conflict, the Karpman Drama Triangle
.
How often do you see your mom?
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