wife does not know why I left, even though I have told why

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After almost 17 years of marriage trying to figure out what I have been wrong I discovered that it is not me. I ran across a video that recommended “I Love You, Don’t Leave Me” and “Stop Walking on Eggshells.” I grabbed copies of both books and discovered that my wife has BPD. I was okay taking the abuse because of my children but once they were being affected, we are separated. The final straw was when my teenage daughter started cutting herself to cope with the mental abuse she was being tortured with. My wife does not know why I left, even though I have told why several times. She is looking for something that I did wrong. She thinks I am having an affair. She has blamed everyone except herself. I have her and my daughter in therapy together and she keeps blaming her mother and my daughter. I feel freedom that I have not felt for a long time and my daughter is doing much better out of the environment she was living in. I worry about my son, who my wife babies but feeds negative comments about me. I was hoping that this would be a wake up call for my wife but I know she will never admit she has BPD. All I can say is that I am doing the right thing and that I know I am not alone.

[QuietNoMore]

After almost 17 years of marriage trying to figure out what I have been wrong I discovered that it is not me. I ran across a video that recommended “I Love You, Don’t Leave Me” and “Stop Walking on Eggshells.” I grabbed copies of both books and discovered that my wife has BPD. I was okay taking the abuse because of my children but once they were being affected, we are separated. The final straw was when my teenage daughter started cutting herself to cope with the mental abuse she was being tortured with. My wife does not know why I left, even though I have told why several times. She is looking for something that I did wrong. She thinks I am having an affair. She has blamed everyone except herself. I have her and my daughter in therapy together and she keeps blaming her mother and my daughter. I feel freedom that I have not felt for a long time and my daughter is doing much better out of the environment she was living in. I worry about my son, who my wife babies but feeds negative comments about me. I was hoping that this would be a wake up call for my wife but I know she will never admit she has BPD. All I can say is that I am doing the right thing and that I know I am not alone.

[zachira]

I admire your courage in doing what is right for you and your family. You are setting an example for your children that it is okay to leave a relationship that is not working and doing your best to help your children. Even though you are feeling better and know that you are not alone, can you tell us what specifically we can help you with? There are so many challenges when one parent has BPD and there are many people on this site who are or have been in similar situations to yours.

[QuietNoMore]

There are many new things everyday that pop up that is hard to discuss with her. Tomorrow I am meeting with her to tell her why I left. I cannot tell her that she has BPD and from the books that I have read I have an idea how to talk to her but I am worrying how it is going to go. I can't control someone's emotions and she has already told me she is going to cry. I am going to explain what I have already told her several times, that I had to get my daughter in a better environment and that I have tried to keep her happy but I can't. I have also not been happy. I will always keep apart of my life and in the lives of our children. I just can't live with the stress, anxiety, and pressure that I have been living under. I am going to write it better than this, but is the core of it. I want this to be a wake up call for her and hope that she would try to get better but I know that the chances are very low. I also worry about my son who is still with her more than my daughter. She is starting to stress him out also. I really don't want to go to court to try to get full custody of both children. I think that I have enough on her but I don't want to do that to her.

[Toad17]

There are many new things everyday that pop up that is hard to discuss with her. Tomorrow I am meeting with her to tell her why I left. I cannot tell her that she has BPD and from the books that I have read I have an idea how to talk to her but I am worrying how it is going to go. I can't control someone's emotions and she has already told me she is going to cry. I am going to explain what I have already told her several times, that I had to get my daughter in a better environment and that I have tried to keep her happy but I can't. I have also not been happy. I will always keep apart of my life and in the lives of our children. I just can't live with the stress, anxiety, and pressure that I have been living under. I am going to write it better than this, but is the core of it. I want this to be a wake up call for her and hope that she would try to get better but I know that the chances are very low. I also worry about my son who is still with her more than my daughter. She is starting to stress him out also. I really don't want to go to court to try to get full custody of both children. I think that I have enough on her but I don't want to do that to her.

Yes, it's a tough situation. Validation is the key while having any discussions with BPD person. The core issue is "projection". So no matter how much you convince that it's their fault, they will never admit it. So the best option is to validate and acknowledge that things didn't go well, their emotions are real, everyone in the family was affected and YOU had to take steps for everyone's well being. Validate that their emotions are real and anybody would be hurt in that position. You will be painted as a monster and you'll be blamed for everything that went wrong. Some DBT skills like DEARMAN and GIVE helps while negotiating.
Please be careful on the legal aspect. You might not want to write letters on why you left. Anything in writing could be used against you. Please consult your attorney before doing any written communication. Closures with BPD people is hard and sometimes impossible. This is the core problem of BPD. There is a void inside and seeing that void makes it even more real, so they will never admit the problem. Some accept it and start taking help when they do extreme things (self harm or physical danger of loved ones). But most of them project their problems. You'll be put in "no win" situation all the time. So be ready to take the blame, validate their feelings and keep stating the facts (how you and your kids felt). Keep repeating the same thing like a tape recorder. Stay calm. If she escalates, tell her it's better to discuss when she feels better and stop communicating. Good luck!

[ForeverDad]

You already know it will be emotional.  Her feelings and her perceptions will overwhelm whatever facts and reality you may offer.  Generally we who have been closest to the person cannot say much if anything to get past the emotional baggage the other perceives.  So can she, will she, listen?

We encourage counseling.  (We have many members who end up divorcing or facing custody struggles and we always tell them courts love counseling for everyone including the children.  Typically each adult has a separate counselor or therapist for their own specific needs, though it's possible to start with joint sessions.)

As already warned, beware of appeasing, confessions or apologies.  Saying or writing "I'm sorry I did..." can potentially put you in a lot of legal hot water.  Make sure you say things that are less likely to be used against you.  This might be better:  "I'm sorry you feel that way..."

[Panda39]

If you've already told her why you left, why go through the exercise again? I'm a suspicious Panda and worry that this is a way to get ammunition and information to use against you later.  Keep your plans close to the vest and try not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) Jading leads to arguments and can lead to you giving her information maybe you shouldn't.  Err on the side of  .

More on JADE... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Regarding your wife badmouthing you to your son there are a couple books you might want to check out...
 
Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing
by Richard A. Warshak

Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce
by Bill Eddy

Take Care,
Panda39

[livednlearned]

Sending positive support to you today, QuietNoMore.

Meeting go ok with her?

[QuietNoMore]

I had the meeting with my wife. I don't know if it went okay. It did not go as I thought it would. At first we went over the calendar for the kids, then she said she had two questions for me. 1 - Why won't I give her another chance because in the last month she has changed to much - found religion, has started meditating, and has let go of all negative energy. I told her that you can't change in one month, she needs to show a longer commitment and try to change. 2 - Her and my son wanted to know since she is so dangerous for my daughter (she got on my daughter's case so much about grades and wanting her to be perfect that my daughter started cutting herself) why was it okay for my son to be with her? I told her that she babys my son and that I was concerned about him also. She has used my son to manipulate me and him. Originally she drew up temporary custody where I was keeping my daughter most of the time and saw my son a limited amount of time. I asked for 1/2 custody of him and she said no deal. If I went along with her plans, court could be avoided. Since then I told her that I didn't really understand the custody and that I wanted my attorney to look over it with me. She still has not given it to her attorney. My attorney wanted me to take both children from her but I did not want to do this to my wife. With her being agreeable, I was open to her idea for the moment.
I then explained all of the reasons that I was leaving. I told her that I have tried but could not keep her happy and that I wasn't happy. I told her I wanted my life back and that we would always be there for each other with the children. She kept saying that she didn't understand anything I was saying and that none of it made any sense to her. She said all of this is a deadpan monotone expressionist voice that scared me. She even laughed a few times. I did get everything off my chest and now she is acting like nothing has ever happened again. We are having mediation in a few weeks - she was more concerned about finances than anything else - and I am going to bring up the custody again. She thinks that I abandoned my son when in reality I was trying to be nice to her but now I do worry about him.

[MeandThee29]

You really can't expect that they are going to get it. There's a gap between reality and their view of self that is not easily bridged. It took me a long time to get that it wasn't really about me, but about them. The attacks and blaming came from a very damaged individual. The threats and extremes come from deep issues that I cannot address as a partner. This isn't something solved with a handful of therapy sessions. There has to be deep, focused work to change the thinking patterns.

Of course there were aspects of it where I contributed, but you can't have a good relationship without having two fairly balanced individuals. As messed up as I was, there were many aspects of my relationship that I did right and balance in my relationships outside of the family that were right. I went to therapy long before separation because I knew there were problems that I wanted to address both with me and with the relationship, and I sought help afterwards from multiple sources familiar with the issues. I'm now involved in a local recovery ministry because I want to share what I've learned and be part of healing and hope. There's a lot of parallels with what we've been through and with the issues that family members of those who abuse drugs and alcohol go through. Al-anon's materials actually include family dysfunction among the issues they seek to address.

I'm always going to be a damaged individual to some extent, but I'm actually better than I was because of having to work through this.

The process is agony, but you are on the right track.

[mart555]

- You can explain as much as you want but it will never be enough and she won't understand
- No matter what you say she'll blame it on you
- She still thinks that you're coming back / she'll win you back.  Get ready, s**t will hit the fan soon once she realizes that it's not the case.

You can talk over custody and want to give her the kids half the time and whatnot but really, really think hard about the kids.  You'll likely be living in a storm in the next few weeks / months.  Get ready.  You may want to read the book "splitting" and prepare for the worst.    

RECORD everything.  Keep everything.  Prepare to be falsely accused once she knows you really want the divorce

I was naive back in the days, we even went house shopping for her with the kids and whatnot.  She helped to get the house ready for sale.   Then it turned out into stays in the mental health hospital, assault at my workplace, breach of conditions, ..  it's turning incredibly nasty.  That was after a 19 years relationship.  

I hope you'll have better luck than me but really plan for the worse.  And keep in mind that you're still likely a "caretaker of someone with BPD" so you're likely not seeing things properly.  It took me a while to recover.  You'll have pity for her, empathy, will want to help.  She won't hesitate to throw you under the bus at some point.