How to cope with daily suicide threats

[FaithHopeLove]

My DS24XBPD just called to say he feels horrible, has given up on life and is "seriously suicidal." This is a near daily occurrence. I have called 911 twice. The first time was when he was at our house and punched his fist through a glass window and held a knife to his own throat. That resulted in his first, hopefully only, involuntary hospitalization. The second time was when he was doing what he is doing now, taking pills and saying he wants to die. That time he lied to the doctors in the ER saying he did not want to kill himself so they could not hold him. Last week ds called in the middle of the night saying he was suicidal so H and I rushed to his apartment. It was like a game to DS. He basically laughed and said "if this was real you would have been too late." I honestly don't know what to do any more except pray.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Hi Faith,

I hear your exhaustion.   

You've probably seen this already, but it might be worth some review...

Suicide Ideation in Others...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

The person in my life with BPD/BPD traits is my Partner's ex-wife, so I can only relate what my partner has told me about his situation.  His uBPDxw has a history of suicide threats and his response was to consistently call 911 whenever she threatened to hurt herself.

He did this to protect both himself and her, he got the professionals involved to handle a situation he couldn't handle on his own.

By being consistent with his response (by calling 911 every time) she knew what making suicide threats would mean (a call to 911) and what the consequences would be (help and support and possible hospitalization, but also $$ spent, time lost from work etc.).

Calling 911 and getting professionals involved also de-escalated things.  You shine a light on what's going on, you get someone objective involved, and you get someone involved that has skills to de-escalate the drama.  My Partner found that the police came and she immediately de-escalated, and ultimately that is what we want.  The decision as to whether or not she went to the hospital varied depending on her.

If you read the sites information on suicide ideation in others you will see other options but for my partner 911 worked for both he and his ex-wife.

I also want to say self-care for you is important too, so you can respond in the best way you can.  I'm sure you know the Airplane analogy...you can't help your son if you don't take care of you first.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[FaithHopeLove]

The reason I hesitate to call 911 every time is because, where we live, uniformed police respond to all ambulance calls and the combination of my son and cops is not a good thing.

[wendydarling]

Hi Faith

This is a near daily occurrence

Can you post on this thread the detail of each conversation, what is said, how you respond so we can support you, share our learning. I'm trying to gain a better understanding of your situation, where it lies each day, today, in real time. There are many routes to finding the way forward as Panda shares and in the link shared with you. Is there anything there that may help you change your approach, you relate to?

2015 my DD was in crisis, she shared she was in unbearable pain she could no longer endure. She's made it through, our children can get to a better place Faith.

In DBT the first focus is SI, self harm, so makes sense to focus there, here.

I hear your DS wants change, you do too    

Hugs to you, you are clearly working through to a better place  

Small steps, gently does is the way. It's not a race I've learnt.

WDx

[PeaceMom]

Hi Faith,
You are always wise and supportive here for us newbies. I just wanted to reach out and tell you I feel your pain and confusion. I have no answers, but sometimes being so down, blue and hopeless is the exact time they are willing to make a change or consider meds, therapy, etc. I have 2 sons who struggle with mood disorders (all this could be caused by craziness with their younger sis my 19yr old u BPD daughter) -And P-Doc has told us the depression phase is what prompts the change. I hate that life can be so tenuous for us here. Hugs to you from Texas.

[livednlearned]

Does he have periods where he is regulated and at baseline and can talk about his SI and how to best handle it? Or I guess the alternate is whether you feel you can discuss with him a safety plan that will go into action each time and under what conditions you will do x y or z?

I am hoping we can get to that place with SD22, although we are a ways off from that unfortunately. For now, the family is collectively trying to manage her chronic intense anxiety triggered by a big life transition currently under way (graduation from college, career beginning, looking for jobs).

[FaithHopeLove]

At this point, his moments of clarity are fleeting. My husband and I are united in making the most of them. That is all I can say.

[wendydarling]

I have no answers, but sometimes being so down, blue and hopeless is the exact time they are willing to make a change or consider meds, therapy, etc.

I could have written this Peace   thank you for sharing.

WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

My God. If only he was open to help.

[wendydarling]

My God. If only he was open to help.

 

I have learnt on this forum it comes in different ways and times. Lollypop, Rockieplace and I joined and found each other. I was so heartened to hear from RP recently, her DD is opening up to help after all this time is huge   We've all made amazing strides... you can too Faith.

We can get unstuck from the most difficult of situations and meet our children.

Faith, hope and love, back to you 

WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

Here are yesterday's conversations:
Thank you all for your encouragement. I have a T appointment today to process what is happening. I also appreciate all of you and your help as I am seriously grieving the loss of the loving son I thought existed. He is gone now and in his place is this hateful monster like in a horror movie. What destroys me is seeing a normally loving person lose his capacity to love. I can't imagine how horrible that is.

WD that is a good idea to post dialogue
 Here goes

6am phone call
Me: hello son
DS: hello
Me: What's up?
DS: I am so lonely. I have no friends
 I just want to die. I do nothing but cry all day and take drugs. One day I might not wake up.
Me: That sounds awful. I am so sorry.  How can I help?
DS: You can't.
I am seriously suicidal. Why can't you just let me die?
Me: Do you want to go to the hospital?
DS: NO! I am hanging up now before you call the cops and I am calling dad (calls his dad

3 hours later he came to the house
 
Me: hello son. Nice to see you
DS: nice to see you to (as he walks right past me into the kitchen)
Me: Are you hungry?
DS: yeah (looks in fridge and pours milk. Sits at table with his head between his hands)
Where is dad?
Me: He's in .. getting his contact lenses
DS: why does dad have to go to ... to get contacts? Why not closer by?
Me: I know but that is his choice
DS: OK I am leaving now
Me: take care of yourself
DS: I won't
Me: You won't?
DS: no
Me: That is your choice. All I can say is I love you
DS: You don't give a s...
Me: (feeling angry) That you can't say. I do love you
DS: (walking out the door) maybe you sort of do



 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

Having been in very similar situations I think the advice to call 911 is good advice.

When you say your son and police is not a good match are you protecting him from the consequences of his actions?

My brother killed himself. He was determined to do it and found a way. No one could prevent him. As hard as this is to hear it seems to be common in the most suicidal people.You are powerless to help him.

Because of the huge pain and grief triggered by my own dtrs threats to kill herself I'm afraid I was not empathetic. She triggered every anxiety my body could produce. When she scratched her legs lightly whilst literally foaming at the mouth screaming at me she wanted to die I responded with threats of 999/911. I was in over my head.

Strangely she has not played the suicide card with me too often. I wonder if this is due to my 0 tolerance on the subject.

You deserve more that this. I understand that your son is suffering but that does not excuse you being used as an emotional sponge mopping up the overspill.

I would advise a bit of tough love and putting some boundaries in place with regards to walking in and calling at all hrs.

You need to look after you to be able to help him

[FaithHopeLove]

The reason I am afraid to call 911 every time is my son gets violent and has said he will fight the cops and I believe him. I am therefore afraid the police might kill him.  I am a retired police officer and I have seen this happen more than once. We used to call it "suicide by cop." I fear it more than 'regular" suicide because I know what it does to people including the cop who pulls the trigger.

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Faith

I am sorry I don't have any other advice besides what has been offered here.

I just want to offer you hugs and prayers and let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts. This sounds so hard, I hope you get some relief, please don't forget to take care of yourself now, maybe do something special just for you or you and your husband together. It's far too easy to become consumed by this, we all need a break now and then, even if it's a short one.

Much love,
Elizabeth22

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you everyone for your help and support. One step at a time