seeking feedback about breaking NC this week

[nomodrama]

Just seeking a little feedback.

pwBPD sister posted pictures of our mom to FB that she took of mom on Mother's day when she went to visit and do hair. Mom would not approve of these photos if she had the option. I don't think it is right because mom doesn't have capacity to approve but I am staying out of it.

My brother the emailed the pics to me and said sister told him she texted the photos to me but did not hear back. And that sister "didn't know if I was mad or what" I told her a month ago and many other times that I did not want to text anymore. I sent them both an email but seems sister did not get it. My brother responded positively and has only emailed me since per my request.

Anyway, I then thought to myself how could I get the message across to my sister?
I knew I did not want to respond to bro and start the triangle again, I knew I should not give and ammunition with "I'm not mad" or explaining anything. So I said "ok thanks for sending the pics, and " I sent that same email to sister about how I am not texting but apparently she didn't get it". My brother has his own serious resentments towards sister and I had sent this email a few days after they had a 'screaming' match over text and both called me to scream at me about each other. Ridiculous.  I just want out of it.

So then I unblocked sister's cell phone # and texted her the email with a little explanation.  I felt bad. I know she is not going to read it the way I said it and I keep thinking that I sound a bit harsh. I feel like she will be repeating it to her adult kids and interpreting it incorrectly like I don't care about our mom or I am too good or whatever BS. That doesn't really bother me that much anymore I guess.

Can I get this group's opinion on how this email sounds?

Do I sound passive aggressive or condescending? I blocked her # right after so I could not see any response (or negativity) which she won't know, just won't see any response over text from me. It is not my fault she doesn't use email like the rest of the world. She can still call me if she wants I stated that with a caveat "if something is urgent". I said:
"I have turned off texting on my phone with you both.  " rather than "blocked".

Did I do well with this boundary setting?
My primary concern is my emotional safety and I mostly care about if I am learning to do the right things, the right ways.

Keep in mind, I have been raged at with book-long texts from her the past year and repeatedly have asked her to call instead. Sister texted me pic of mom's bedsore last year and blamed me for it since I was in on the decision where to move mom and did not agree she needed to go to a nursing home instead (where the caregiver to patient ratio is higher) and cost is $4000 more per month.

Here is the text that I texted to sister pwBPD a few days ago about my email:

Hi Sister name,

I did not see the pics of mom in curlers you texted to me because your texts no longer come through but Brother emailed them to me.

I do not see your texts.

This is the email I sent to you both in April, Brother saw it, but apparently you did not so here is the email:

Hi Brother and Sister names,

I am needing to step away from the discussions and disagreements about Mom's care and finances.

I have to disengage from the stressful arguments because my health is suffering.

I am having difficulty with making mistakes at work, which is not good to be doing at a time when my group at work is being reorganized.

I can’t afford to make mistakes because I am distracted, and that is adding to my stress.

There are other things that I won’t go into that are not helping my stress level, but those are things I just have to live with.

I don't want to argue. I don't want to be in the middle and cause more problems for both of you.

I feel like Brother has things covered and is already doing what is right with mom's care and finances.

 As I said, I do not want to text anymore. I never liked texting. I have turned off texting on my phone with you both. 

If you need to get a hold of me for something urgent, you can:

Email me at: myemail@.com
Call my cell phone and leave a message:  222-222-1234
Call the house in the evening, but we don't get voicemail on our house phone: 333-333-1234
I love you both and I hope you can work out your differences so that we can remain a family.

 Love,

 My name

[nomodrama]

Also, I feel like a hypocrite for saying so we can remain a family at the end. It is how I felt a month ago before I knew about BPD but not really how I feel anymore. And how can we remain a family if I live 700 miles away, and don't text IM or do Facebook with her.
I admit I said that because I thought that is what I should say.

Also, I have four different health issues from stress. My 13 year old dog was just diagnosed with cancer, she might have a surgery next month to remove part of her jaw.
I am grieving about that. Trying to take care of myself. I have no energy for dealing with BPD. I am out of the fear and obligation parts of FOG, I guess guilt still lingers.

[Turkish]

You and your brother don't approve.

What's the risk of doing nothing?

[nomodrama]

The risk of doing nothing is no risk.
I have to accept it or bring more strife into my life.

I went no contact a month ago but had to text my sister the email I sent (above) just this week ciz she didnt see the email.
Now I am ruminating about it cuz I know she is talking sheet about me right now. I just need to let it go.

The pics she posted on FB on mothers day are self aggrandizing at the expense of my incapacitated mother.

It's wrong. I have feelings of contempt for my pwBPD sister who unfortunately still as a bunch of enablers around her cheering her on.

I dont want this hate in my heart. Why cant she be  a normal person and keep my moms business private? It's all about her, look at what a nice daughter I am propping my demented mom up in bed with curlers in her hair. Look I have such a big heart to do her hair for her and show you all.
All on the internet for the world to see so I can get reassuring comments like Awwww
It's not cute.

I'm not doing myself any good by obsessing about it. Venting about it to you all helps though.

[Harri]

Did I do well with this boundary setting?

Sharing that you will not respond to texts is good.     You repeated it once and that is okay too.  I would leave it from now on.  If she texts again, or calls and it is not an emergency, it is unlikely she did not receive the message. Don't repeat it.   

Boundary enforcement is up to us.  We can request that they stop doing things but they can also choose to ignore our request.  Annoying yes.  We are the ones who have to not respond to texts or ignore them or not check to see if any are sent... or recognize that is they are, we can choose to accept she is being who she is and do what we can do to take care of us. 

I dont want this hate in my heart. Why cant she be  a normal person and keep my moms business private? It's all about her,

Having appropriate expectations, considering who she is, how she operates and acts will go a long way in helping you cope and come to a better place regarding how you feel about your sister.  You may never like her actions and that is okay.  You don't have to.

[No-One]

I dont want this hate in my heart. Why cant she be  a normal person and keep my moms business private? It's all about her, look at what a nice daughter I am propping my demented mom up in bed with curlers in her hair. Look I have such a big heart to do her hair for her and show you all.
All on the internet for the world to see so I can get reassuring comments like Awwww.  It's not cute.

nomodrama:
I'm sorry that the photos are causing you so much distress.  Is there a bit of jealousy in your statement?  Why look at her Facebook page?  You know there will likely be something there that disturbs you.   

Just sharing the below quotes with you.  Perhaps it could help to read them periodically.

I listened to an audio book recently:  "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone", by Lori Gottieb.  Lori is a  psychotherapist and a New York Times bestselling author.  The book wasn't about BPD.  It followed therapy sessions of multiple individuals, including the author's own sessions with her therapist. 

The author referenced some of her favorite quotes from Viktor Frankl, a famous neurologist & psychiatrist:

• When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves
• Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
• Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom

Don't be surprised if your sister sends you another text.  She likely doesn't want to comply with your request for "No Texts". 

[nomodrama]

Thank you Harri and No-One,
I will do some more reading.

I still have a lot to learn and mostly how to stop my stink thinkn.
My brother emailed the pics of mom to me and when I told my husband, he said he saw them on her Facebook but didnt tell me because I had asked him not to.
So maybe I need to tell my bro dont send me pics? And husband not to talk about her FB?

It's not that I dont want to see the pics of mom, it's the whole privacy issue with my mom being unable to agree to these sad photos of her on the internet. And sister still working her story to her FB friends what a sweetheart daughter she is. Shes not. It's all about her and my husband agrees, he made that comment when I told him about the pics I got via email which adds fuel to my fire.
He wont unfriend her though.
He  doesnt want to hurt her feelings. He would unfriend her if I persisted but it's almost like I want to know what she is posting. I'm not ready to let go of her. I feel sad and mad at the same time.
Maybe I need to ask him dont talk about her FB at all?
 
 I'm not jealous sister is there. I want my sister to spend time with mom as long as she is not agruing but now mom does talk much so theres no arguing. My sister said some cruel things to my mom since she has been in the facilty and she continued to dump her emotional burdens on mom since shes been there but I think that has stopped.

I am still grieving about having to detach from her
I'm angry. It's not healthy its dysfunctional resentment.

[Harri]

I still have a lot to learn and mostly how to stop my stink thinkn.

This made me smile.  So glad you joined the club here!   

It sounds like your husband already stopped sharing about facebook posts.  Good for him!     Instead of asking your brother to not share facebook posts (because he may or may not respect your request) what can you do to take responsibility for this?  What sort of self-talk can you use to learn to cope and self-soothe about this?

I am still grieving about having to detach from her
I'm angry. It's not healthy its dysfunctional resentment.

That is okay.  Grieving is hard, detaching is hard and anger is hard to manage.  You recognize it is not healthy (excellent!) or at least the way you are coping with it all is not healthy so lets change that.

[nomodrama]

Harri and No-One,

Thank you kindly for being a listening "ear"
I went back a read your other posts to me and I need to keep practicing and not ruminate over my sister.
When I re-read my posts on another day I can get clarity over the fact that I am making my own self miserable at this point.
It's my need to be right and makes me embarrased  with myself I have this deep-seated ego issue.
Last night I felt embarrassed for airing all of this on the internet (another ego ping). I need to be a bigger person.
I know part of it is from having an addictive personality and not having enough to keep me busy right now and I am using this resentment as a distraction from other painful thoughts,  my poor dog is in pain awaiting surgery, shes medicated but freaking hurts)
Ive been typing this as I lay next to her.
I should go on Audible and get that book to distract me learn something a be productive.
 
Thank you again!

[No-One]

I still have a lot to learn and mostly how to stop my stink thinkn.
My brother emailed the pics of mom to me and when I told my husband, he said he saw them on her Facebook but didnt tell me because I had asked him not to.  So maybe I need to tell my bro dont send me pics? And husband not to talk about her FB?

It's not that I dont want to see the pics of mom, it's the whole privacy issue with my mom being unable to agree to these sad photos of her on the internet. And sister still working her story to her FB friends what a sweetheart daughter she is. Shes not. It's all about her and my husband agrees, he made that comment when I told him about the pics I got via email which adds fuel to my fire.

He wont unfriend her though. He  doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He would unfriend her if I persisted but it's almost like I want to know what she is posting. I'm not ready to let go of her. I feel sad and mad at the same time.
Maybe I need to ask him dont talk about her FB at all?  

I understand your concern about privacy regarding things posted on the Internet.  You have to decide, however, if it's worthwhile and healthy for you to ruminate about the pictures of your mom that your sister posted on FB.  Unless your mom is aware of the photo and personally distressed about it, why obsess about it.  Why care about your sister getting some praise or credit from her personal friends about doing your mom's hair.  Why care what her friends might think.  Most of her friends won't see her dark side (no matter how much you want her to be discredited and seen for her true self).  For most people, FB is just a big fake display of what people want others to see (not reality).  The mature thing is to stay away from it and ignore it.  If you let it bother you, then that's your choice. (i.e. you went there, you knew better, so suck it up)

Your husband doesn't have to unfriend your sister on FB, he can unfollow and change some other settings so he doesn't get email notifications, etc.  She won't know what his settings are and he would need to purposely go to her FB page to catch up on her posts.  I'm wondering if he is addicted to the drama?  Why is your husband so concerned about hurting your sister's feelings, if he doesn't engage with her on FB?

You have to enforce your own boundaries.  If you choose to look at her FB or learn about it from husband or brother, then you have to radically accept what  your sister posts on her FB.  She is who she is and will likely continue to be.  Why torment yourself with the FB things.  

Your husband can choose to stay away from your sister's FB posts.  His only response to anyone who asks about his lack of replying to your sister's posts is that "he is taking a break from FB use".  

If you really want to rein in your anxiety, then quit looking at your sister's FB, get your husband to support you and quit viewing it as well.  Reading someone's FB page can be addictive.  You just have to quit doing it.  


 

[nomodrama]

Ok yeah, I'll stop thanks for the honest advice, I need it as I just got done looking at her FB page while husband is out.
I am self destructive. Yes it is addictive drama esp if its regarding a parent you love.
Sister just posted the Suicide Hotline # today and said in loving memory of my cousin"s name.
The same hotline # I sent to her over text last July and got blasted for doing instead of calling her, and then she called me out screamed at me about it 8 months later.
Maybe she learned with our cousins suicide how someone might feel (our aunt ) if someone goes through it. She had said to me "made me realize how selfish suicide is".

I feel numb towards her right now.
Maybe knowing this actually helped cuz I'm not angry, just kinda numb.