Need coping strategies to deal with sister with BPD

[Arya2003]

Hello. I am looking for ways to help cope we th the frequent verbal abuse from my oldest sister with BPD. It gets hard to not take it personally when she often states she will kill herself and it is all of our faults. This has been going on for over 20 years and I just feel helpless over it all.

[Arya2003]

Do I have to keep taking her abuse since she has BPD and PTSD? She always tells us.. if it was cancer you would help more, but cause it's mental no one cares. And I do care..too much I think. I have depression and anxiety myself, and I have learned to put my feelings on the back burner all my life, to try to keep the peace, but I know it is not healthy and I need to not isolate myself cause I don't want to burden anyone. I keep holding on to hope that things will get better.. but it's just so emotional exhausting. Thanks for listening.

[Harri]

Hi Arya and welcome!

Nope.  You do not have to keep taking the abuse because she has BPD and PTSD.  Lots of people have a mental illness and do not abuse others.

She always tells us.. if it was cancer you would help more, but cause it's mental no one cares.

I have read this a lot.  Many people offer that up.  I am not sure I agree with it.

I have depression and anxiety myself, and I have learned to put my feelings on the back burner all my life, to try to keep the peace, but I know it is not healthy and I need to not isolate myself cause I don't want to burden anyone. I keep holding on to hope that things will get better.. but it's just so emotional exhausting. Thanks for listening.

I have depression and PTSD.  I am still responsible for my actions and words. 

There is a lot to unpack in what you wrote above and I do not have one sentence to cover it all.  Or even one to offer a piece of an answer.  How I wish I did.  Share more, post more, jump into other thread.  Doing that will help you narrow your focus in addition to reinforcing that you are not alone.  We are a peer support group but we also focus on learning and recovery.  So I really hope you settle in.  You don't have to try to figure this out on your own anymore.

Talk with us any time.

[Arya2003]

Thank you so much for you reply. I appreciate it and am glad I found a place I can go to for support, to learn and to help others when I can.

[zachira]

It hurts my heart to hear that your sister has been verbally abusing you for 20 years. I second what Harri has said in that there are plenty of people with mental illness that do not use their mental illness as an excuse to abuse others.  Since this abuse has been going on for 20 years, there is  a lot to deal with here, yet by looking for answers and making changes, you can start to feel better. Do look at the articles on this site and read other threads. So many members have started in a similar place to where you are, just up to here with so many years of being abused by a family member, and are now doing well though from time to time do feel overwhelmed with the challenges of having an abusive family member that is mentally ill. Verbal abuse can hurt more than physical abuse, and can cause life time scars that are harder to heal than physical wounds. My only immediate family members, my mother and siblings, are abusive in various ways including verbally as are some of my other relatives. I have found that there are many steps in the journey towards healing and being less affected by family abuse. The steps do not have to be in order and we can go back and  forth on a step as we get better at it. Number one for me has been not letting the emotional abuse affect me so much, realizing that the horrible behaviors of my family members are about them and say nothing about my worth as a human being. What has been key in not letting their abuse affect me so much is limiting contact with them, whether staying away or walking away when the abuse begins. Can you tell us a little bit more about the verbal abuse and what you do when it takes place? Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you in any way we can.

[quietgirl]

My sister is the same, also my older sister.

It is so challenging to deal with, I struggle a lot with all parts of it.
wanting to be part of her life, trying to help my parents deal w/ it as they age, and also just dealing w/ the constant personal attacks from her.  No matter what I say or do I am the worst sister in the world. 

Even as I try to help her and she slanders  me to all our friends / family.  Its demoralizing.
I've just tried to minimize my interactions w/ her until I am strong enough to deal with it.
She is an adult and needs to fend for herself, same as you.

I found this site helpful on ways to deescalate the verbal abuse and hearing others stories is comforting.
Its not you, its the sickness, don't take it personally.

Just walk away, take care of yourself first. My biggest issue is not feeling guilty about that part too.