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Author Topic: BPD sister need advice  (Read 786 times)
Zabava
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« on: May 18, 2019, 08:36:12 PM »

So as I posted before my BPD sister split on me in February and I have been nc since.  3 days ago she sent me a text to say her friend had some teaching resources I might be able to use (I'm an aspiring Early Childhood Educator).  Thinking it was an olive branch I responded in a friendly but neutral manner. 

I said to tell her friend thanks and I would take whatever she thought would be useful.  My sister said "call if you want" but I don't want to

Now her texts are getting aggressive.  She texted that she has stuff in her car and needs to know what I want asap.  Then she texted "are you even getting these texts?"

I feel her winding up and I don't know what to do.  This is why it's hard to be close to her.  If she leaves a message or texts she expects an immediate response or she takes it personally.

Should I call her or text her?  How do I know if her texts are an olive branch or a pretext for yelling at me? 
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2019, 08:57:23 PM »

It is hard to say what this is.  that's okay though.  Approach it in good faith while knowing you have tools and a support system (us) to help you.

Do you want all of the stuff?  yes?  The say that.  Arrange to pick it up.  Maybe at a coffee shop if you don't want her at your house.  Public place, exchange stuff in parking lot.  Done deal.

She may just be feeling anxious about this too and giving her a text that is neutral and sets the place for the exchange will take the pressure off of both of you.  (I think... could be wrong though  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) )
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Zabava
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« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2019, 09:38:08 PM »

Hi Harri,

I don't want the stuff.  I live 500km away from my sister, but I wanted to keep the peace.  Honestly being nc has been a weight off my back.

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Zabava
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« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2019, 09:40:52 PM »

This is how it always goes.  I feel guilty, try to be polite and friendly and end up getting attacked. 
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Harri
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« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2019, 09:44:54 PM »

Oh... I forgot about the distance!

WEird.

Then tell her no you do not want it.  Period.  Done deal because oh my your pie is done baking or someone is at the door or your other line is ringing or you are on your way out...  Hang up.  Do not give her a chance to beat you up verbally.  Or, if texting, ignore them.

Be brief and pleasantly neutral.  Strong.  Practice what you will say out loud.  The out loud part is important because you do not want you voice to shake.  Hell, hear me in you head telling you you can do this.  

If you know this is what always happens, use that info to your advantage!  

EDIT:  Wait!  Why did you say this to her then?
Excerpt
I said to tell her friend thanks and I would take whatever she thought would be useful.
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Zabava
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« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2019, 09:54:02 PM »

Thanks Harri,

I am very grateful for the support and understanding.  I am afraid and hopeful at the same time .  Can't figure out the quoting so I'll do it the old fashioned way:  "you have tools and a support system (us) to help you."

I can't quite believe that after all my crazy town and self indulgent posts you are still listening.  Thank you so much
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Harri
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« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2019, 10:00:51 PM »

 

Excerpt
I can't quite believe that after all my crazy town and self indulgent posts you are still listening.  Thank you so much
 

I and everyone else here will listen always.  I am sure I am not alone in admiring your determination, willingness to be open and vulnerable and ability to work things through.

Psst... quit calling yourself crazy.  I hate to tell  you this but (!) you are wrong about that!
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Zabava
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« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2019, 09:05:38 PM »

I still haven't called.  I have been having a very crappy May 24 weekend.  My 16 year old son screamed at me about his bike shorts.  He is very anxious and does not handle stress well.  He is much taller than me and is very physically intimidating.  I felt so hurt and scared even though I know he's just a kid. 

I retreated to my room for the day and cried.  It reminded me so much of my Dad when he got mad (which was rarely, but he when it did happen it was scary).  My son really looks like him which makes it worse.  My mother and father were so awful to each other and it scared me so much as a kid to hear them screaming at each other and physically fighting.  Did anyone else witness domestic violence? How do you deal with the memories?  Do you think it was traumatic or am I just being oversensitive?
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Harri
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« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2019, 10:33:58 PM »

Hi Z.

What do you say to your family when you retreat like you did today?  I am concerned about you but also concerned about your son as well.  It is hard to be the cause of a parents upset and fear and there it is very likely he is picking up on that.

What has your Therapist suggested you do to cope with these emotional flashbacks (I am using a word that I think fits but could be wrong here)?  Please check out our article on Managing Emotional Flashbacks and see what you can to do help yourself cope better.

Excerpt
Did anyone else witness domestic violence? How do you deal with the memories?  Do you think it was traumatic or am I just being oversensitive?
We have had many members who witnessed DV on our board.  Being a witness to DV is trauma and in some cases if a parent continuously exposes their child to DV the children can be taken away.  That did not happen when we were kids.
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Zabava
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« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2019, 04:44:34 PM »

Harri, 

My son went out with friends shortly after so he wasn't really  aware of my reaction.  I haven't broached the subject with my therapist, but I will.
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Harri
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« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2019, 04:55:23 PM »

Okay, good.   

Did you have a chance to read the article I linked?  Is yes, do you see anything on there that might have helped you?

 
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Zabava
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« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2019, 09:04:16 PM »

Yes I did and I have been reading Pete Walker's book about cptsd.  I struggle with what he calls the "abandonment depression". As far as recovery goes I am stuck on shrinking the inner critic and coping with emotional flashbacks.

 I try hard to shield my children from my struggles and I so wish I could be a better, saner mother to them.  It breaks my heart sometimes.
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Harri
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« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2019, 10:16:08 PM »

Hi Z. 

This is the toughest work you will do.  It gets better, please remember that, but it will take time.  The damage happened over a very very long time and it is going to take a while to work things through.

We've got you.

Excerpt
I try hard to shield my children from my struggles and I so wish I could be a better, saner mother to them.  It breaks my heart sometimes.
Do you and your T work on grounding techniques to help you stay present in the moment or get back to the present when these things happen?  I am wondering how we can help you develop skills to help you with that so at least when you look at your son you see him.  That has to be hard to try to cope with, especially because you know he is not your dad.

When you were in your room crying, what was the self talk that was going on in your head?  Maybe we can come up with a few phrases you can say to your inner critic?
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Zabava
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« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2019, 09:25:09 PM »

Harri,

My self talk was very negative.  "Here you are again feeling sorry for yourself" "pull it together and get up"  " you're a bad mother"  "you're weak and self indulgent"  "you're mentally ill and not fit to be a mother"

As for my son,  it is actually mostly comforting that he looks like my dad.  Reading and reflecting and talking to my therapist has helped me see how my dad was bullied by my BPD mum and withdrew into depression.  I think I have some of the same characteristics and I also look like him.  My mum got jealous and angry whenever my sister or I felt close to my dad.  I wish he had more courage or support.  I know he loved us a lot.

As always Harri, thanks for listening and making me think about my behaviour realistically.  And I do feel like this is the hardest part but I also feel angry for the first time in a long time and I think it's positive.
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Harri
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« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2019, 10:40:42 PM »

   I am glad to hear about the anger.  It is an appropriate emotion and I agree it is progress.  Anger is also something you can use in positive and constructive ways. 

Excerpt
I think I have some of the same characteristics and I also look like him.  My mum got jealous and angry whenever my sister or I felt close to my dad.  I wish he had more courage or support.  I know he loved us a lot.
  I am glad you had his love and can still hold onto it and see the position he was in.  It sounds like you have a lot of compassion for him. 

Excerpt
My self talk was very negative.  "Here you are again feeling sorry for yourself" "pull it together and get up"  " you're a bad mother"  "you're weak and self indulgent"  "you're mentally ill and not fit to be a mother"
That is negative for sure.  How can you turn these statement around?  Seriously, see if you can write alternatives out here.  We can jump in and help too but I think it would be better for you to do it.  My 'positive self talk' won't work for  lot of people.  Example:  your pull it together and get up is one I use all the time but for me it is positive or at least helps me get out of my depressed state.

Excerpt
As always Harri, thanks for listening and making me think about my behaviour realistically.  And I do feel like this is the hardest part but I also feel angry for the first time in a long time and I think it's positive.
You're welcome Z.  I had people walking beside me doing the same thing, many of them here, so I know it can be tough to listen to it and I am grateful that you are open and willing to explore.  You have the ultimate judgement about you and your situation though.   It's your fight but we can help you too.

 
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
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