Need Help

[Elgonz]

I need to know how to help my BF, and how I should react when he accuses me of falsehoods. I am extremely stressed I need to let him know every move I make and answer every call. It is overwhelming and I need help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[oftentimes]

Does he identify with having BPD? Is he seeking treatment? The approach in effectively communicating with someone who recognizes their illness and is seeking treatment vs someone who recognizes but is rejecting treatment vs someone who does not recognize they have BPD can be very different. The latter category is very difficult because BPD makes sorting through emotions / reality very difficult. If a person is in complete denial about their illness, it can be extremely tough to communicate with them effectively.

Have you read any books about the illness? Learning about BPD was a gamechanger for me. It's a complicated, unique illness and shooting in the dark by trusting the instincts you know to be true for other relationships generally gets you nowhere at best or completely backfires at worst.

[Elgonz]

He knows he has a problem, but doesn’t believe it’s BPD he just started seeing a therapist but I feel it will be in vain and he will give up. In the meantime I walk on eggshells, he is a wonderful human being 80% of the time, I am a happy person and don’t want him taking me down. He is effecting my work, my friendships and I cover a lot for him from my family. He’s jealous of everything including my family anyone that can take me away from him. If I miss a phone call he thinks I’m doing something I shouldn’t, I send him pictures to prove where I am. I love him so much but it’s been 10 months and I am not sure if I should cut my losses . I do read a lot about BPD but the moment occurs and I become another person I get angry at the accusations, and I will not stop and nothing get thru to him. I tell him screaming Not to do this I’m driving in the expressway and he doesn’t care. His feelings are the only ones that matter at any blow up, mine mean nothing.

[oftentimes]

I can totally relate to EVERYTHING you've just said:
I was a one woman riot about my partner having BPD before he was actually diagnosed. I BEGGED his doctors to assess for it and laid out exactly way. My words were ignored and the result: his illness went not just untreated but reinforced and made worse by a the therapist who ignored me and just validated all of his distorted perceptions and manipulation. A full year of abuse and trauma bc he wasn't getting the care he needed. I stuck it out bc we have a child together and after a year of supporting him (and reading everything I could), it finally clicked and things started to look up.

It if wasn't for our daughter though, I would have gently let him go rather than continue to support him at the expense of my own health. I know we aren't supposed to give 'run' advice, and that's not what I'm saying. Rather, if you do have a relationship in which you are experiencing abuse and harm and in which the person is not working toward recovery, you have a long road ahead of you and one with no gaurantees it will get better.

Read up on trauma bonding. You'll often hear about us loved ones being codpendent / caretakers / enablers. That's not always the case .What is almost always the case is that we have a trauma bond with the person. This makes it very difficult to leave (it literally feels like withdrawal from a drug bc your brain is going through the same processes).

You don't have to call it quits for good. Remember that. You can always say something like:
I love you and I want you to be well. I've read a lot about BPD and think that's what's going on here. Regardless of whether or not my assessment is true, what is true is that I need to take a break from this relationship so I can work on my own healing.

[Elgonz]

How did it click ? What did you do?I will read up on trauma bonding but I am so scared it won’t change.

Thank you!

[oftentimes]

4 suicide attempts, enduring a year of physical, emotional, psychological abuse, fear of losing his daughter, and very very intentional communication on my part. It was rough. Like I said, I’m not saying run, but I am saying that if it wasn’t for our daughter, it wouldn’t have been worth the trauma I’ve incurred. And we still are not even close to out of the woods yet.

If he likes to read, books written by ppl who have recovered from BPD can really help. “Get me out of here” by Rachel (something) is one I know my partner really related to

[Elgonz]

Wow, sorry for what you’ve gone thru and thank you for reaching out to help.