Letter from Mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

I arrived home yesterday from a two-week trip to find a short letter from my mom, a thank-you for the Mothers Day card. There was an update on my grandma's health, a bit about the spring weather and return of birds. It was extremely innocuous. There were no passive-aggressive barbs, but there was also no "hope you are well" or "how are you"; in other words, no invitation to write back. 

Some background: I have not spoken to Mom since Easter 2018, when, in the midst of raging, she declared that since I don't call her enough she just won't call me anymore. OK. The break has been a relief from the drama, but the event itself and the the grief of acknowledging that she likely suffers from BPD and/or covert narcicissm were intense. I have since been in therapy, and a learned a lot through this forum and its resources.

I haven't had a chance to speak with my T about her letter yet. I had been talking with my T about the need to do some role playing before I will be ready to engage with my mom again. Even before Mom's letter arrived, I had been toying with the idea of whether to send a letter acknowledging that while I understand she sometimes feels emotionally overwhelmed, her [raging] behavior last year was very upsetting for me--and not something I am willing to sit through again if we resume contact. I am fairly certain that she has blanked out what she did and said, and only remembers how she felt.

What do you think? For those of you who resumed contact after a long period of NC, how did you know you were ready?

[sklamath]

I arrived home yesterday from a two-week trip to find a short letter from my mom, a thank-you for the Mothers Day card. There was an update on my grandma's health, a bit about the spring weather and return of birds. It was extremely innocuous. There were no passive-aggressive barbs, but there was also no "hope you are well" or "how are you"; in other words, no invitation to write back. 

Some background: I have not spoken to Mom since Easter 2018, when, in the midst of raging, she declared that since I don't call her enough she just won't call me anymore. OK. The break has been a relief from the drama, but the event itself and the the grief of acknowledging that she likely suffers from BPD and/or covert narcicissm were intense. I have since been in therapy, and a learned a lot through this forum and its resources.

I haven't had a chance to speak with my T about her letter yet. I had been talking with my T about the need to do some role playing before I will be ready to engage with my mom again. Even before Mom's letter arrived, I had been toying with the idea of whether to send a letter acknowledging that while I understand she sometimes feels emotionally overwhelmed, her [raging] behavior last year was very upsetting for me--and not something I am willing to sit through again if we resume contact. I am fairly certain that she has blanked out what she did and said, and only remembers how she felt.

What do you think? For those of you who resumed contact after a long period of NC, how did you know you were ready?

[Kwamina]

Hi sklamath

Not having to talk to your mother has been a relief, yet I can understand that being NC can still be difficult to come to terms with for you. She is still your mother and I gather from your post that a part of you might still want to try and reconnect with her.

Determining whether you're ready or not can be tricky, but what you can do is keep on doing the work to make sure you are as ready as can be for whatever comes next. The work you're doing with your T is very important indeed.

You only saw the letter from your mom yesterday after a two-week trip. My advice would be to not make any decisions overnight and take a few days to let this letter sink in as you settle back in at home after your trip. You haven't talked to her since Easter 2018 and she was pretty much the one who initiated this NC, so I don't see a need to rush this if you're not sure that you are ready and if this is what you really want. Your mother's behavior, particularly the raging, has really affected you and protecting yourself and preserving your well-being is crucial

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

You only saw the letter from your mom yesterday after a two-week trip. My advice would be to not make any decisions overnight and take a few days to let this letter sink in as you settle back in at home after your trip.

Very wise advice here!

I haven't had a chance to speak with my T about her letter yet.

When will you see your T next?

[zachira]

I just can't imagine how hard it must have been to decide to go NC with your mother with BPD, and how hard it is now that she seems to be trying to reestablish contact with you. In my experience having a mother with BPD and NPD, there are so many mixed feelings. On one hand there is the extreme hurt from all the abuse and then there are the moments when our mother seems to love and care about us. As human beings, the love of our mother is so important for our well being when we are children and adults, even after she has passed away. The relationship with our mother leaves us with an imprint in our minds about how lovable we are and affects us throughout life, even though we can heal to a certain degree from not getting the love we need from our mother through having other loving relationships in our lives. The decision to resume contact with your mother is based on what you feel is best for you, and can be hard when you feel sorry for her and/or have a small place in your heart hoping that she will some day love you the way you deserve. I think that there is no hurry in deciding on what you want to do. You resume contact with your mother when and if it works for you, and can decide to continue with NC. When you originally went NC with your mother, did you think of it as permanent or temporary? I am sorry that I cannot answer your question about resuming contact with your mother as I have never been NC;  I am low contact with my mother and do not intend to do NC. I try to only have contact with my mother when I am more able to handle it, and do not take phone calls from her or visit when it is just too much for me. There will be members who can answer your question. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[No-One]

sklamath:
I agree with the advise of others - step back for awhile and think about the letter and whether you want to try to change contact status.

It's good that she acknowledged the Mother's Day card.  The rest of it sounds similar to a Christmas newsletter.  I'm assuming that you got the letter by snail mail.  Since she likely doesn't want to continue that method of communication, she wouldn't ask questions that prompt a reply.

Her lack of commenting with something like, "hope you are doing well", etc; could signal that she is still angry about not being able to communicate with you in the manner of her choice and frequency.  

How close do you live to your mom? 

[sklamath]

Thanks, all, for the thoughtful replies!

You only saw the letter from your mom yesterday after a two-week trip. My advice would be to not make any decisions overnight and take a few days to let this letter sink in as you settle back in at home after your trip. You haven't talked to her since Easter 2018 and she was pretty much the one who initiated this NC, so I don't see a need to rush this if you're not sure that you are ready and if this is what you really want. Your mother's behavior, particularly the raging, has really affected you and protecting yourself and preserving your well-being is crucial

This is very good advice. Thank you, Kwamina. I am not feeling pressure to rush into anything. To Harri's question (Hi, Harri!), my next appointment with my T is later this week, and I am looking forward to talking it through with her. In my last appointment prior to leaving for the trip, I had brought up with my T my desire to do some role-playing around some of the typical things my mom will do or say when triggered. I want to have some assurance that I will be less affected, that I'll able to defend my boundaries, and that I will leave if I need to (instead of freezing).

The decision to resume contact with your mother is based on what you feel is best for you, and can be hard when you feel sorry for her and/or have a small place in your heart hoping that she will some day love you the way you deserve. I think that there is no hurry in deciding on what you want to do. You resume contact with your mother when and if it works for you, and can decide to continue with NC.

Thanks, zachira. I don't have hope of her being the mom I need or want her to be. Which sounds kinda heartless, but I have accepted that she is unlikely to ever "get" it and that bringing up any past situation that has damaged my trust is only JADEing, and going to be received  by her as an invitation to unload on me for all the ways I have "hurt" her--not that I am a perfect person, but she is not able to differentiate between what people do that she does not like and what people do "to" her. She is always the poor, passive victim. She is not going to be able to understand (or likely even admit to) the fact that as a mother she had far more power to injure her children than anything we could have "done to" her.

When you originally went NC with your mother, did you think of it as permanent or temporary? I am sorry that I cannot answer your question about resuming contact with your mother as I have never been NC;  I am low contact with my mother and do not intend to do NC.

I think "low contact" described our relationship for years prior to this, punctuated by shorter periods of NC. It was tolerable. I would call her (or answer her calls) when I had enough fortitude, because I never knew if good mommy or bad mommy would be on the other end of the phone. I was better at setting limits than I was when I was younger, and could tell her that she was clearly very upset and was welcome to call back once she was able to speak calmly. I had not intended to go NC, and I should have known better than to say anything personal to her while raging, but she was screaming about how I never call her and how much that hurts her. And when I said I didn't call her more because I didn't want to experience her raging, that was when she responded that fine, she would not call me anymore. So I suppose I thought it was temporary, but the longer it has gone on the more I've wondered about whether it would in fact be permanent. In the past, the silent treatment has been an effective way to get me to apologize for things I didn't do so that she could feel better, but I no longer view that as an act of integrity in keeping with my values.

[sklamath]

It's good that she acknowledged the Mother's Day card.  The rest of it sounds similar to a Christmas newsletter.  I'm assuming that you got the letter by snail mail.  Since she likely doesn't want to continue that method of communication, she wouldn't ask questions that prompt a reply.

Her lack of commenting with something like, "hope you are doing well", etc; could signal that she is still angry about not being able to communicate with you in the manner of her choice and frequency. 

Yes, it was snail mail on her nice stationery--and it totally reads like a Christmas newsletter! I have been trying not to read too much into any of it, but it's funny to realize that's her normal (as is failing to ask how I am). In the past I would have read it as an "all clear" that she had simmered down and it was safe to call her or answer her calls...and I haven't typically brought things up again after she has calmed down unless I want it all to start back up again. 

How close do you live to your mom? 

We moved a few states away about five years ago for my spouse's job. Mom was not happy about it, but I would say the distance has been beneficial for my spouse and I. Because we have less contact overall, the extreme nature of her emotional outbursts is more obvious. The uncomfortable part is that I travel back to the area frequently for work, and I meet up with my brother and friends...but not my parents. If feels strange to drive past their house and not stop. Perhaps the biggest driver to go back to LC is that my mother is my grandmother's primary caregiver, and really the gatekeeper for "access" to Grandma--not just for me, but for any family members. And as my grandmother's health has been in decline, I am not sure if I will be allowed to see her again before she dies.