Guilt trips me when I have my period

[Perdita]

The subject pretty much says it all. Every time I have my period I become extremely stressed knowing that he's going to make me feel guilty for not being able to have sex.  I get my monthly real bad, so it's hardly helpful having to deal with his complaining on top of it. It actually gets heavier and goes on for 7-10 days since moving in with him. Since I am constantly doing things in and around the house and lifting heavy stuff, it just doesn't help things.

I am so tired of knowing that every month I have to listen to him go on about it and me constantly saying that I am sorry.  I feel he doesn't believe me. It's gotten so bad that I feel I need him in the bathroom with me so that he can see for himself and just shut up. Then again, I know he won't stop guilt tripping me. I am so stressed out dealing with this. We just had another huge argument about it. Everything is always my fault.

[Notwendy]

Perdita- I know how difficult this is- it was an aspect of my relationship for quite a while. Now, the whole idea of it just makes me angry.

Keep in mind the Karpman drama triangle and don't JADE. I can't know what your partner is thinking, but in my case, "not feeling up to the task" was interpreted as me purposely withholding affection and sex from my H. His reaction then was to go into victim mode and be punitive in return. Some of the things he did was : get angry, complain that we never have sex, and then to reject me in return if I tried to initiate any intimate contact.

It didn't seem to matter how much we did it, if there was a time it didn't happen, it would start a rage over " you never...". So I shut down and just did the deed to shut him up so I could get some sleep.

This took a toll on the relationship for me. Eventually, years later,  we ended up in MC and I also worked on co-dependency. The MC spoke to both of us about "saying no" when you mean "no" and not being dishonest about it. I was so scared to say no to my H for anything for fear of the rages.

Then, I realized how degrading it is to treat someone like a child who has to have their way. You know what? Your partner is a grown man. While sex is important to a relationship, there is also more to a relationship than being available for on demand sex. Over time, sometimes someone is "not available" due to various reasons- being out of town, not feeling well ,stress or fatigue. I do think both partners need to work at sex being a part of the relationship. There are people on this board in marriages where their partner refuses it all the time and that isn't good,  but I also don't think being always available all the time is a realistic expectation for long term.

I hope you can resist the urge to JADE during your monthly. Give him a biology book if he doesn't believe that this is a normal pattern for women,  and I hope you don't buy into the insanity of the thoughts he makes up about it. When you are not on your monthly and he isn't in that space, simply explain: "once a month, Aunt Flo visits, and it's tough for me. I know it is a disappointment to you, but this is biology and I need to take care of myself at this time".

Your part will be to resist the argument during this time. If he brings it up, simply remind him, this is the time we spoke about. Treat it like any other argument and don't engage in drama. You can validate the feelings. " I do care about you and know this is a disappointment. We will  be intimate again in a week" and then let him manage his feelings.

[Perdita]

His reaction then was to go into victim mode and be punitive in return. Some of the things he did was : get angry, complain that we never have sex, and then to reject me in return if I tried to initiate any intimate contact.

Exactly the same thing I experience.

It didn't seem to matter how much we did it, if there was a time it didn't happen, it would start a rage over " you never...". So I shut down and just did the deed to shut him up so I could get some sleep.

This took a toll on the relationship for me. Eventually, years later,  we ended up in MC and I also worked on co-dependency. The MC spoke to both of us about "saying no" when you mean "no" and not being dishonest about it. I was so scared to say no to my H for anything for fear of the rages.

That's what I have to deal with as well.  He carries on like we never have sex and that's simply not true at all.  I too am in fear of setting off his rages when I say no to anything.  It's like he's 5 years old, but the tantrums he throws are scary because he's a grown man.

Part of the problem has always been that he likes to re-enact arguments and experiences he had with his ex of 10 years ago!  I know this because I have come across lots of messages and letters she wrote way back when they were together (for 18 months whereas I've been with him over 6 years).  He will for example, take me away for the weekend to places he took her.  Down to the accommodation!  Then he pretends he's never been there before.  This woman had multiple sexual affairs with married men, yet at the same time she was frigid!  It was a complex situation that I don't fully understand or have all the background on, but I do know she was seeing a sex therapist while she was still with my SO.  I read some letters in which she specifically mentions her lack of a sex drive.  In that instance, at least, there were real sexual issues.  He, however, keeps wanting to play these things out with me in her role (if that even makes sense).  Triangulation and the inability to let go of people no matter how badly they've treated him is a huge thing with him and has been the source of much pain in our relationship.

Your part will be to resist the argument during this time. If he brings it up, simply remind him, this is the time we spoke about. Treat it like any other argument and don't engage in drama.

I've tried this, but will try harder.  It's just so offensive to me when he makes me feel guilty about something I have no control over.

[Notwendy]

Keep in mind, you control your emotions to an extent- he can't make you feel guilty as you have nothing to be guilty about. You're human and this is the way you are made.

It's hard not to buy into the distorted thinking and share his reality- which is that he's a victim and you are guilty- but you don't have anything to be guilty about.

I stopped trying to make my H understand as I can't change distorted thinking.  The craziest part was when I was pregnant and had a lot of nausea. I assumed he'd see that if his wife was barfing in the bathroom, she was not in the mood for sex. But he didn't. I've also come to realize that he can't tell if I'm in the mood or not. He assumes that if he is, I am. Ironically, if I pursue him, many times he is the one who says no. That used to hurt my feelings but I'm over it. During his "angry" times, he has cruelly rejected me and not shown any interest. Ironically he's "forgotten" about them. He even said " I have never turned you down" a while back and I just stared at him. I don't participate in those arguments.

He's come a long way since the cruel days thanks to MC and a lot of work on co-dependency on my part. I have no idea what he was triggered by. Neither of us have been married before. He hasn't discussed a girlfriend who has cheated on him. I haven't cheated on him. I know what I'm acting on- my childhood with raging BPD mom- which fueled my own co-dependent behavior.

You'd think we didn't have sex but we did. In the beginning, it was great and stayed great until we started a family and he painted me black. I think it was the diminished interest when I was pregnant. I thought he understood that. We were doing something wonderful. He wanted the babies too and he's crazy about our kids. But he painted me black and was cold and cruel for many years.

He still got sex, because I needed to get to sleep and didn't want to stay up late arguing. I also didn't want to scare the kids as they could hear us arguing. He got plenty of sex, but it changed how I felt about it. I was a romantic.  For me, sex was connected to love and intimacy, and it just became sex- it felt like a hook up with someone I didn't have an intimate connection with.

I wish I'd not done that. We are still married and things are better, but I don't know how to get that kind of trust in him back. Maybe it was too much trust. Honestly, if someone was raging at me about sex now, it would not happen because I don't want to have sex under those conditions, and my H knows it. It's thankfully put a stop to it. 

You see, it's like giving a cookie to a kid having a tantrum. The kid knows that if he wants a cookie, he just has to have a tantrum. That's not a good thing for parents to do and it wasn't good for my H for me to do that. ( it wasn't good for us to give in to my raging BPD mom either, but that's what I learned to do and took that into my marriage- that part I could change). I don't expect my H to jump through hoops for sex, but neither do I want to have sex when someone is raging at me.

To change your partner's behavior, you need to also change your response. Change isn't easy and he's likely to still react, but over time, he needs to learn that if he's going to have a relationship with a woman, women (in a certain age group) will have periods. Some may want to have sex at that time, and some do not. You don't and if he wants to be with you, this is who you are. ( and you don't have to feel guilty about your biology). There are also other ways to be loving and caring during this time, if you wish, ( but it's not easy if he's raging at you- maybe after he calms down- but don't do it to manage the raging )Hope this works for you.

[formflier]

 and my H knows it. It's thankfully put a stop to it.  

  The kid knows that if he wants a cookie, he just has to have a tantrum.  


To change your partner's behavior, you need to also change your response.

Change isn't easy and he's likely to still react, but over time, he needs to learn that if he's going to have a relationship with a woman, women (in a certain age group) will have periods.

So...there is a "thing" many have observed about my relationship with my wife..that many times I get cast in the parental role.  

I hate that...because I see it too.  However...it's undeniably effective to think of her in terms of a tantrum throwing child, vice a spouse (equal) that can to be reasoned with.   When I say "effective", I mean that over the longer term...the issues I parentify her with get better and better (less rages).

I've gotten to the point where I just have to deal with me "hating it" and I take care of my feelings separately...and then do what works (be pragmatic)

Hey Perdita the talk about tantrums, kids and cookies has given me an idea for you.  Do you like Steve Harvey.  He calls women's "parts"..."the cookie" as a funny way to make an illustration.  Men like "cookies".

Perhaps you can watch some Steve and turn this into a funny thing in your mind so that when your hubby gets in the mood, gets turned down and gets grumpy you can think about Oreos

My guess is that your husband will change, but it will be a reaction to how you change about this issue.  

Note:  I would STOP saying you are sorry or JADEing about this.  If nothing else so see if it changes things.  

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with FF.  You have nothing to apologize for.

[Ozzie101]

My H did the same thing for a while! No tantrums, exactly, but he was obviously not happy. He'd complain that I wasn't "normal." That other women he'd been with didn't have cycles that were nearly as heavy or as frequent. Anyway, I'm OK with having sex during my time, but not when I have heavier cramps. And he complained that it wasn't as enjoyable. I felt guilty about it and, at his urging, even went on birth control for a while (until the side effects caused a problem and he started to respond to his own therapy -- he not only backed off, but apologized). I gave into him on that and many things and, looking back, it was not the right move. I should have been firm but empathetic and let him work through it.

Physical intimacy is his love language. So, when we couldn't have sex, I'm sure he felt more disconnected and the fear of abandonment kicked in. No excuse, really. And that topic was one that REALLY ticked me off.

All that to say, I get it. I've been there. Don't feel guilty.

[Notwendy]

Physical intimacy is the main way my H connects. Not having sex would disconnect the marriage- I didn't want to do that.

He'd say things like "other women want sex more" and it would really hurt my feelings but then I wondered "what other women?" and I think he was making that up to prove his point as I don't think he's talking about sex to other women.

I felt really low and inadequate. I thought we were making love- and that sex was good between us until he painted me black and complained. It became a self fulfilling statement. He wanted to feel desired but it's hard to feel that when the motivation is to avoid an argument.

Don't feel guilty. You are showing your partner how to manage his own feelings and act considerate to you. If you were not ever having sex or his needs were not ever met, this would be a problem, but if the rest of the time is good between you- he needs to learn to respect who you are.

[Baglady]

Hi folks,
I'm 14 months out from my divorce from my exBPDh and the scenarios about sex (during my period and all the time really) that you describe are chillingly familiar to me. My ex raged at me during the times of my period for not being "available".  He took my very heavy, crampy, horrendous 7-10 days of my period as a personal insult toward him.  I eventually needed surgery because my period symptoms were so extreme so I wasn't exaggerating the situation - trust me I was far from being in the mood at those times - but it made no difference to him. 
When I had my son, after a day long unmedicated labor, I had an emergency C-section - it was life and death for both of us and I had to be completely knocked out so I wasn't aware of my son's birth until an hour or so after he was born.  As you can imagine, I was completely wiped out.  Four days after the birth, my ex was hounding me and raging at me for not having sex with him yet.  I caved and had painful sex with him even before the 6 week doctor-recommended recovery period after birth - just to appease him. 
We had a very regular sex life prior to my husband's break.  Some of it was great but I did take "one for the team" on many an occasion just to appease him.  No matter how often we had sex, he was NEVER, EVER happy with the quantity or quality of the sex.  I could have been a porn star on steroids and nothing I did sexually was enough for him.  He had a black hole of need for it.  He endlessly and negatively compared me to other women and wanted me to see a sex therapist for my issues around "extreme frigidity".  Now I realize that actually, I have a very normal healthy sex drive and few issues around sex but I just didn't understand the dynamic at play at all in our marriage.  I felt so completely inadequate in this realm as a result of his crazy projections. 
Now, I'm doing a significant amount of therapeutic work around why I allowed myself to be subjected to this treatment (hello foo!) and why I let him abuse me psychologically in this way for so, so long.
Ironically, now that we are divorced, the big lie that is emerging as part of his smear campaign about me is that I refused to have sex with him for the last decade of our marriage!  Given my consistent attempts to try to meet him half-way and appease his endless demands for sex over the years, it is profoundly, insanely infuriating to hear this particular lie cast about to all my friends and sundry strangers, as you all can imagine.
So been there - hugs to you.
Warmly,
B

[empath]

My h would complain about my periods, too. They were longer and heavier in the last few years before he moved out (7+ days and heavy). After he moved out, they have been much lighter and shorter.

Difficult relationships can make for heavier and longer periods.

[Perdita]

When I had my son, after a day long unmedicated labor, I had an emergency C-section - it was life and death for both of us and I had to be completely knocked out so I wasn't aware of my son's birth until an hour or so after he was born.  As you can imagine, I was completely wiped out.  Four days after the birth, my ex was hounding me and raging at me for not having sex with him yet.  I caved and had painful sex with him even before the 6 week doctor-recommended recovery period after birth - just to appease him. 

I am so sorry that you went through that.  The disturbing thing for me in reading the above is that it didn't even surprise me.  I can see my SO being the exact same if that were us.  The selfishness of these people seems to know no bounds.

No matter how often we had sex, he was NEVER, EVER happy with the quantity or quality of the sex.  I could have been a porn star on steroids and nothing I did sexually was enough for him.  He had a black hole of need for it.  He endlessly and negatively compared me to other women and wanted me to see a sex therapist for my issues around "extreme frigidity".  Now I realize that actually, I have a very normal healthy sex drive and few issues around sex but I just didn't understand the dynamic at play at all in our marriage.  I felt so completely inadequate in this realm as a result of his crazy projections. 

I think they will take one thing and pick away at it until we feel there is something wrong with us.  I agree 100% with what you said that no amount or quality of sex would have pleased him.  That's how I feel in my situation as well.  It's about trying to break me down until I am as big a mess as he is.

Ironically, now that we are divorced, the big lie that is emerging as part of his smear campaign about me is that I refused to have sex with him for the last decade of our marriage!  Given my consistent attempts to try to meet him half-way and appease his endless demands for sex over the years, it is profoundly, insanely infuriating to hear this particular lie cast about to all my friends and sundry strangers, as you all can imagine.

The smear campaigns are one of the things that hurt the most.  I know how hard I have tried, how I constantly end up putting myself dead last even when I try so hard not to.  To then have people believe the lies is so incredibly hurtful. 

[Perdita]

My h would complain about my periods, too. They were longer and heavier in the last few years before he moved out (7+ days and heavy). After he moved out, they have been much lighter and shorter.

Difficult relationships can make for heavier and longer periods.

This is exactly what I suspect is happening to me!  The more he pressures me the heavier and longer my period seems to be.  He has been raging at me about it through messages and calls all day again today.  Telling me that he would prefer to be alone than having to deal with my periods!  My response was to ask him if that's all I am worth to him?   

Right now the though of having sex with this monster is a huge turn off.  Makes my stomach turn and he has no one to blame for that but himself.

[DragoN]

The subject pretty much says it all. Every time I have my period I become extremely stressed knowing that he's going to make me feel guilty for not being able to have sex.  I get my monthly real bad, so it's hardly helpful having to deal with his complaining on top of it. It actually gets heavier and goes on for 7-10 days since moving in with him. Since I am constantly doing things in and around the house and lifting heavy stuff, it just doesn't help things.

Boundaries. Your body, your temple.

I am so tired of knowing that every month I have to listen to him go on about it and me constantly saying that I am sorry.  I feel he doesn't believe me. It's gotten so bad that I feel I need him in the bathroom with me so that he can see for himself and just shut up. Then again, I know he won't stop guilt tripping me. I am so stressed out dealing with this. We just had another huge argument about it. Everything is always my fault.

Don't be sorry. Tell him to back off, or get lost permanently.
He can learn some damn respect, and you should have more respect for  yourself.

[AskingWhy]

BPD men, as a part of the disorder, can only temporarily get rid of their free-floating fear, self-hatred and loneliness during sexual activity.  When they cannot have it, they often dysregulate.

What is being described here over women's periods and reproductive issues is sexual abuse.

Women don't have control over painful periods and cannot immediately have sexual relations after delivering a child.

Scroll down to the section on sexual abuse:

https://www.doorwaysva.org/our-work/education-advocacy/the-facts-about-domestic-violence/types-of-domestic-violence/