Long Time - DD with BPD (I think)

[raytamtay3]

It's been a long time since I've been on here. Cliff notes version. DD19 BPD. Moved to GA 2 years ago (thank the Lord!). Has a 1 year old son. Father of baby in jail. Friends of hers drove down to GA last week to visit and she drove back with them even after I told her this wasn't a good week for her to stay with me. Said she was a grown adult, had plenty of places to stay - didn't need me. Didn't need my permission.  Then it was how selfish I am. That she has a bedroom at my house for both her and the baby, blah blah blah.  I've never been good with upholding boundaries with her and am trying really hard to this time. But it's rough. I'm in FOG and it's all consuming right now. She visited this past December and it was hell. I need to stop feeling guilty. I need to uphold this boundary. I need help. Any day now she's going to ask why she can't stay with me again. Why do I continue to allow myself to feel this way?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Raytam
I am happy to meet you although sad for what brings you (back) here. It sounds like you really have your hands full. You say you want to work on boundaries. Have you seen this article? Boundaries
It helped me a lot in regards to setting limits with my son. One idea I found really helpful is that boundaries are about OUR values, not our children. I hope you will keep us posted on how things work out this week.
Faith

[mggt]

It has been a long time!  I remember you.. I understand how hard it is to stick to your boundaries and especially when there is a grandchild in the picture.  You said last time she was visiting it was hell maybe hold on to that.  I know how terrible it can be to feel guilty but also having them living with you and how cruel they can be.  Im sorry if i didnt help but thinking of you and sending positive thoughts  mggt

[GaGrl]

I was just wondering last week about you!

So...boundaries...hmmmm.

Can you put together a couple of SET statements that are short and that you repeat (ad infinitum nauseum) when she starts crossing your boundaries? And practice them in the mirror.

[livednlearned]

Do you have past examples of when you were able to set a limit with her?

Maybe we can help you think of phrases that feel worded in ways you are comfortable saying. The wording seems to make a big difference for me.

"I will take care of the baby for you while you visit."
"I will meet you for dinner and take you and the baby out while you're in town."
"Staying here is not an option. I will not discuss it further."

What do you imagine you will say?
What do you wish you could say?