I need help getting through this & I don’t know if things will ever get better

[Warriorprincess]

Hi Everyone,
I’m new here and glad to be part of a supportive community for people who love those with BPD. My wife tried to commit suicide 11 days ago because she felt like everyone was against her. She spent 4 nights in inpatient and is now attending partial hospitalization / intensive outpatient treatment. Her therapist called me today, and I broke down on the phone. I am trying to hold it together for my stepkids (ages 16 and 9) who are struggling so much with what their mom tried to do. But I’ve also been keeping the peace for so long that I’ve almost become like a robot. The therapist told me she wants me to start telling my wife my truth and stop being afraid to rock the boat, especially now while she’s in treatment. Well I did that tonight, and my wife turned everything around on me and started saying all the things she always says about what a bad spouse I am, that I’m lazy and a liar, and that I threw her under the bus last weekend. I don’t know what to do - she always paints herself as the victim and everyone else as out to get her. I was trying to tell her how I feel like a second class citizen as a stepmom, and she just listed all the times that she feels like a second class citizen. Then I point out how she isn’t listening to me, and she tells me all the times that she doesn’t feel listened to, and that I NEVER listen to her, and I’m trying to get rid of the kids, that she's tired of feeling alone, and that I never get out of my chair. I’m so tired of living in conflict all the time. I’m so sad all the time. I’m afraid things are not going to get better. But I love the kids so much and don’t want to leave them. I’m their only stability, especially now after what their mom did. What can I do? How can I stay when I’m blamed for everything, called names, demonized, insulted and minimized? But how can I leave when this family needs me so much? We’ve been together 5 years. Thanks for listening.
-Warriorprincess

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Warriorprincess-

I am so very sorry for what you and your s-children  have been and are going through with your wife’s recent suicide attempt; and now her pointing the finger of blame at you.  I’m assuming she was somehow blaming you for that attempt by saying you “threw her under the bus last weekend”?  Can you provide some colour around that accusation?

I want to welcome you to our community.  You’ll find good, compassionate support here, and safety in the freedom to express whatever you need to say -  the kind of freedom I know you don’t have at home. 

How serious was your wife’s suicide attempt?  I ask this because it seems that if your wife is in crisis now, it seems the T’s encouragement for you to speak your truth now appears quite bold, no?  Did the T explain why NOW would be an appropriate time for you to feel easy about being more forthcoming about your feelings?

My dear WP,  I’m sorry your attempts at expressing your feelings were met with the predictable twisting and projection by your wife.  It’s very difficult, if not impossible for our BPD partners (sounds like a bit of Narc tendencies) to accept ANY responsibility for their hurtful behaviors.  It’s also pretty unusual for them to provide validation of others’ feelings.  We’re normally the ones to learn about validation techniques and tools; and if you have an insightful partner who can mirror (mine can), she may validate you through imitation of what you’ve said.  I found that interesting and almost sincere.  My BF DID seem to mean what he was saying.

I was a stepmom for 19 years...I understand completely that feeling of being a “second-class” citizen, only I was married to the kids’ dad.  This was a topic I never raised with anyone.  And now finally, seven years after my divorce (with the 2nd Mother’s Day of no acknowledgement), I am releasing myself because I have to.  I’m sad, but I have to let go of the kids.  They’re much older than your kids, and they know better.

Your situation is much different.  I would say give your
s-children all the love you have while you can.  At this point your wife has nothing to do with how you love your s-children.  They are innocent and helpless in This situation.  Is there other family?  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, their bio-dad in the picture?  Are the children receptive to your love and attention?

Finally...for the time being if you can, see if you can keep your head where your feet are.  Meaning be present and patient with yourself.  Being in a rs with a pwBPD is hard.  Really hard.  You’ve just come through a crisis and it’s time to take care of yourself.  Your W’s natural inclination as a pwBPD is to make everything about her, and undoubtedly, as a matter of survival  you have made everything about her for the last five years.  I would urge you to reach out to your family and / or other friends or a therapist so you can obtain some much-needed support.  And we can help you here.  You are in enormous pain and your sadness deserves attention.

Please make time for yourself.  That is NOT selfish.  Please know that you are NOT any of the names she calls you.  You didn’t cause her BPD and you cannot fix her or love her to wellness.  You CAN learn communication tools that can positively impact your rs.  When things calm a bit, you can make your decision about what you want your future to look like.  Hopefully your wife will begin to move into the proper type of therapy so that she can take a constructive look at her destructive behaviors. 

You control you.  And you can engage in self-care, which you really need and deserve.  Please remember that and make it a priority.  Stay with us and keep talking.  (Sorry for the long post)

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Warriorprincess]

Dear Gemsforeyes,
Thank you so much for your kind, caring empathy. I bawled like a baby while reading your response. I so needed everything in your post. You don’t just have Gemsforeyes, you have Gems in your soul! It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt understood and valued. I know I came to the right place! So I took your advice and reached out to my sister for support. She invited me to her house on the lake where we sat and talked for hours (I took PTO from work, just for me!). It was just what the doctor ordered. I feel freer and stronger just from that.
Yes, I can provide more color around my W blaming me for the suicide attempt. On the day of the incident that led to her attempt, she was texting our older son at school about how lazy and messy he is, and that he’ll never amount to anything unless he learns now how to care for himself and his things. She shamed him by posting on FB about how he won’t do any chores. He was humiliated and left school. He returned to school and was crying in the hallway when a teacher escorted him to the school social worker’s office. He told her that he walked down to the train station and thought about jumping in front of a train. Well, I had to pick S up from school. W was very upset, saying S was manipulating and I wasn’t helping by enabling him. W said I never back her up. She refused to see that she was wrong by texting him at school. He called her parents (his grandparents) and they also got angry with my W. She felt like everyone was against her, and it was all my fault for not backing her up with S.
Good question about how serious her suicide attempt was. She told me she drank a whole bottle of rum and didn’t want to live anymore. I thought she could die and wanted to have her stomach pumped. The hospital said she wasn’t that intoxicated and it took 5-6 hours for her to sober up enough that she could be transferred to the psych hospital. She told them that she’s thought about suicide for at least the past 4 years, on and off. As for the therapist, I’m not sure why she told me to speak my truth now, but it does seem that the crisis is over for my W, at least for the time being, although she still feels alienated from her family. S has been calling his grandparents regularly, but my W says she no longer wants anything to do with them. The kids bio-dad is in the picture, but he has nothing to do with our older S; he has weekly visits with younger S.
The boys are receptive to my love and attention, for which I am grateful. I know I am only a substitute for their mom, and they would prefer her to me any day. They want her so badly, and I fear that her emotional capacity to give is limited. I see her pain since she feels she is giving so much, but they don’t feel it because the love is not given in a way they understand. I know intellectually that the same is true for me, but my heart cannot accept that. Things were so beautiful and loving and supportive in the beginning - can things ever go back to that state? I think she must have been mirroring me.
Please don’t apologize for the long post - I really appreciate it! I am getting my own therapist; I need it now more than ever. I am also going to think about how I can take care of myself over this upcoming long weekend. First priority is me and taking care of myself. Second priority is getting my family through this crisis. Even if they’ll never remember it, I want to be there for the kids now and help them feel loved. Third priority = what does a good relationship look like, and can we get there? I’m not a quitter, so I won’t give up without trying! I’m not sure why her therapist thinks now is a good time to speak my truth, but I can’t continue keeping quiet about what’s right and wrong, particularly where our sons are concerned.
Thanks again :-)
Warriorprincess