First time poster and need help

[runnerlolo]

Hello there, this is my first time posting and I found this site through an online site for BPD.  My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 9.  Previously, I was married to a man when I was in my 20's who was verbally and physically abusive and in a relationship with a woman who was verbally abusive so I come with triggers.  I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 4 years this coming June.  When my wife and I met, it was love at first site and she was everything I wanted.  Beautiful, funny, laid back, interesting, passionate and we had the same moral compass as well.  About three months into the relationship, she had her first temper tantrum.  I was taken aback and convinced myself that it must have been a fluke.  But no.  This started the beginning of a very difficult relationship.  We have always been good at communication and would always talk it out after.  She would rage at the slightest things.  I couldn't meet her high expectations.  She was very picky and critical and most people didn't like her upon meeting her because she has this tone that is very unattractive.  We have reached many lows in our relationship but have always managed to keep trying but I'm telling you I'm at the end of my rope and my sanity.  Three years after dating, she finally went to the mood disorder clinic where we lived where she was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder and PTSD and ADHD.  She began a medication regimen that worked for awhile but as a band aid I feel.  In 2016, my job led me to move from NC to IN and it has been the worst years of our relationship.  She hated it here, she fought the whole way, she didn't want to leave NC.  There were many times I would tell her to go back home and she would flip out on me because she doesn't want to lose me even though her actions push me away daily. This past year, in January, she threatened me for the first time over text message and I lost it.  I was done, didn't want to talk to her anymore, told her she was verbally abusive and we needed serious help.  She received a psychologic eval in April of this year and the results came back as BPD, ADHD, PSTD.  She is currently trying to find a DBT counselor in our town and someone who can medically supervise her medication changes as she weens herself from her bipolar meds to meds that will actually work.  I am very and have become very codependent.  I am frustrated at myself for getting into a relationship with a verbally abusive person yet again.  I need to learn how to change some pretty ingrained patterns of my role in this relationship because I'm the caretaker.  I am in constant stress trying to do things that don't upset her, walking on eggshells, not ever being able to relax when it comes to being with her.  "what's going to happen next"  has been my mantra.  I am a loner as well.  My wife can spend every minute of every day with me but I am not that way at all, in fact I want to be alone more than ever at this point.  She gets upset if I am downstairs and she is upstairs.  She has a toxic connection with me and I have always been the person she has needed.  It's time for so many things to change.  I am exhausted, spent and overwhelmed about this diagnosis and where the path is going to lead now.  The good thing is that she wants to get help, she is very much the owner of herself and her actions.  She is remorseful and guilty whenever she comes out of a rage.  All of this is good.  But I can't take too much more and the journey is only the beginning.  How can I heal while at the same time support her, etc etc?  I am hoping to meet people who are similar to me and who can guide me.  I currently see my own therapist and we are both seeing a therapist as well.  But I need a support group too.  I'm happy to be here!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi runnero, and

you do sound exhausted 

there is hope though. im glad you reached out, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family. youre right: experts will tell you that a strong support group is really critical.

you can learn tools here that will help you get in a calmer headspace and help with resolving conflict.

a diagnosis can be something of a positive development, especially if she is looking for a DBT counselor. at the same time, it can be a scary and life changing event, and people with BPD dont handle stress well. so it can be a challenge, all at the same time.

you mentioned that youre seeing a therapist, and that you both are in couples therapy? how long have you been doing that, and how is it going?

[runnerlolo]

Hello and thank you so much for responding!  We have been in therapy off and on for five years.  We initially got into therapy because of sexual issues.  My non-interest and her feeling rejected.  She doesn't get the fact that anger isn't sexy.  Complaining every day isn't sexy.  Blowups aren't sexy.  But now, it's therapy for this disorder and our communication skills.  She was literally diagnosed two days ago so while we have known for awhile that's the diagnosis, it's still a lot to take in and process.  I'm relieved that I found you and the groups.  I am committed to starting self care and working my way towards a better understanding of co-dependency. Now that she is diagnosed, the next hurdle is to readjust her medications, something that is not going to be easy to do.  Knowing this is here for me has relieved me somewhat though.  Thank you!

[Warriorprincess]

Hi runnero,
I’m new to the site too and have found so much support and validation already. The education on here is so helpful! I wanted to respond to you because I read so many similarities in our situations, especially love at first site, not being able to meet high expectations, and getting into another volatile relationship! My wife’s therapist told me that we tend to choose partners who remind us of the parent we had the most conflict with, so we can try to resolve that conflict over and over. Well, i’m pretty sure this is my second GF/wife with BPD, and both tried to commit suicide after receiving a rejection from me. It’s easy to feel trapped - I do. I hope your situation improves with your wife receiving the right medicine and therapy for her diagnosis. I don’t think my wife will get the right diagnosis since the place where she’s in therapy now won’t give her a psych eval, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m trying to learn to set good boundaries such as saying, “I understand your point of view, but I am not changing my mind.” Or “I am taking an adult time-out now because the things you’re saying are too hurtful to hear and I won’t say anything helpful or productive at the moment.” Best of luck to you!
-Warriorprincess