Brother with BPD - what to do?

[tiah]

Hi All,

My first post here.
I stumbled across what BPD is few weeks ago, read "Stop walking on egg shells.." book and realized that's what my sibling has.
We had a big argument about a month ago(via text messages!), he flew into a rage and declared that he is cutting me off. He has been having uncontrollable rage and anger accompanied
erratic behavior and accusations. I have family of my own and have been distancing myself from him (and his family sadly) for the last few years.
The sad part is that he screams and yells at his kids now too, which makes it really painful to be around him.
What prompted this latest outburst is that he structural problems in his house, and I had called him once I learned about it.
At the time he talked about it as it's not a big deal.
Since it didn't sound very serious I have not called again, we were traveling next weekend and had visitors week after and then traveling again.
Turns out the house damage was more extensive and so he had to deal with kids and house damage on his own.
He didn't call me to ask for help, and a day after I had brunch with our mom, he exploded over text messages.
Accusing me of excluding him from birthday dinner (it was brunch), telling me he was homeless and I didn't offer help, then
it progressed in accusations of me not being there throughout his whole life, bringing up things he had done for me and how I'm not there for him.
And because I do this all on purposes and hate him he'll stop communicating with me...

I was really caught unaware of these over the top accusations, so responded more emotionally than I should've. It's not the first time he barraged me
with over the top accusations and I try to diffuse them, but this time it was really unexpected, so I told him that his his behavior towards
his family is really what drove me away from him.
I did apologize about not offering help, and offered it then, expressing that I did wish he had reached out sooner.

I didn't know what BPD is when I had this exchange, now as I read about it, his behavior fits perfectly...I think the house related stress and chaos around him made him lash out towards a family he alienated with his behavior. Though he wouldn't take responsibility for why I have distanced myself and I think trying to set some limits with him made it only worse .
I'm not sure as what to do, on the one hand I'm still angry with him for many reason. There always been a lot of guilt tripping,  he has not been there for me on many occasions when I needed to take care of our mom's needs.
Often times I would call telling him about them and his response has been "yeah, keep me posted".
On the other hand, reading about BPD made me realize that his reactions are manifestations of BPD. I don't live with him thankfully, but not sure how to proceed in this situation.
Should I try to talk to him? I don't think he'll be rational, and will continue blaming for whatever problems he has in his life.
I'm at loss, we have not been very close already, but NC seems more extreme and I do feel guilty, though not even sure why.
He always been controlling throughout my whole life and a bully when we were kids.
He resents me for having a life of my own, he feels excluded and blames me for not having normal relationship, but "normal" in his mind means my life being enmeshed with his and also me being ok with his rage outbreaks. He blames me for his rages too, and tells me it's me who has mental health issues.
 
 I've had very hard time with this whole situation for the last month. I have very supportive husband who validates my feelings as he had seen him rage.
 Would be good to hear from others who have siblings with BPD and what you think I should do, if anything.
 
 Thank you
 Tiah

[Panda39]

Hi Tiah,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry to hear the struggle you've been having with your brother. Where do things stand now are you still in communication with him?  Or are you taking a break?  How would you feel about not doing anything (not doing anything can be a choice) and wait for your brother to reach out to you?

I wanted to share information on FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional Blackmail because I can hear him using this. He's making you feel bad about something he didn't tell you about (Guilt).  He's making you feel bad because you took your mom out to brunch without inviting him (Obligation).  According to him you hate him so he is going to cut you off (Fear).

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The more you can recognize the FOG the easier it is to take this stuff less personally and when you can do that it becomes easier to not get sucked into the drama.

How your brother feels is not your responsibility, his feelings are his.  It's hard (many of us here want to fix things or control things) but try to let your brother manage his own feelings and situations.  You can't control how he feels, what he thinks, his stress level etc.  The only people we truly control is ourselves.

I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us, you are not alone we all have someone with BPD or BPD Traits in our lives we "get it" because we've experienced it too.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[tiah]

Hi Panda39,

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response.
To answer your question, we are not communicating right now, I'm thinking to send an email to him and his wife for a get together in few weeks. He might choose not to come.
I just started reading about FOG, you are right, that's exactly what he is doing.
My fear is that if we do meet, he'll throw accusations at me again, which is what he always does. And it's all about him needing more from me and me not being a good sister. I've had enough of that honestly though I'm trying to see him if he were a 10 year old kid desperate for attention and love, who is throwing tantrums when he is under stress or feels unloved. Reading about BPD made me realize that probably that's what's driving his behavior.

It's hard not to feel responsible for his behavior, because in his mind I'm the one who makes him act out, which I know rationally does not make sense. We hardly communicate on every day basis, and even when we were closer he still would regularly get mad at me for perceived wrongs I did. I'm not sure I want to have that kind of relationship in my life, I'm too old and tired and he already takes up too much of my mental space.

 How would you respond to someone demanding attention when you are an adult with your own responsibilities? I want to be gentle, but at this point I'm afraid I might react emotionally to his accusations, how do you detach?

Thank you again,
Tiah

[Harri]

Hi Tiah.   

It's hard not to feel responsible for his behavior, because in his mind I'm the one who makes him act out, which I know rationally does not make sense.

This can be hard to sort out even when logic tells you what he says is not true.  Emotionally it is a whole different issue for sure.  It can be done though.

How would you respond to someone demanding attention when you are an adult with your own responsibilities?

With boundaries.  Using some of the communication techniques we have here like Don't Invalidate, SET, etc.

I want to be gentle, but at this point I'm afraid I might react emotionally to his accusations, how do you detach?

It can be a slow process sometimes.  For me, it meant working on me and seeing myself as separate from my mother.  Self-differentiation.  Knowing she had her own emotions, opinions and thoughts and that she could have them without me internalizing them.  Learning about BPD and associated behaviors helped me separate and understand how her mind worked.  It helped me see that most of what she said and did had nothing to do with me, rather it was a reflection of her internal state... like you talked about coming to realize after reading.     Understanding these things and consciously telling myself things like "this is not about me, she can't even see me" allowed me to step back and plan a response rather than react emotionally.

There are ways to manage and we can help you sort things out as you decide how you want to proceed. 

[Panda39]

I just started reading about FOG, you are right, that's exactly what he is doing.
My fear is that if we do meet, he'll throw accusations at me again, which is what he always does. And it's all about him needing more from me and me not being a good sister.

What if you didn't pick up the bait what if you didn't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). When falsely accused of things our natural response is to JADE.  But when we JADE we engage in the drama, escalate the drama, and can end up in circular arguments that go no where. 

More on JADE...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

It sounds like you are able to see the feeling (fear of abandonment, of being left out etc.) behind his accusations, try and focus on that.  He's doing/saying xyz where is that coming from?

If you can get to where he is coming from you can validate his feelings. This is not the same as validating what he's doing/saying. You don't want to validate the invalid.

Sample scenario...

Bro:  Yelling, you're a terrible person because you didn't invite me to brunch with you and mom!

You: I'm sorry I can see how that made you feel left out (validating the feeling - not that it was wrong to go to lunch with mom because it wasn't), that wasn't my intention.  (the urge here is to start explaining...don't just leave it where it is)

Bro:  Well that's how it felt you and mom always leave me out.

You: (repeat) I'm sorry it made you feel that way. (You've given him nothing to latch on to and beat you over the head with)

You: How about you plan something for just you and mom? I know she'd love it. (asking questions can turn the problem solving back on the other person)

Bro: No she won't she only wants to see you. (again JADE Bait)

You:  Why don't you call her? (putting back on him again)

If you respond with...you're right I'm terrible (validating the invalid) we shouldn't have gone to lunch without you (again validating the invalid) I'm sorry you felt left out, I just thought you wouldn't want to go to xyz restaurant because you told me you didn't like it. (JADE) You've given him all kinds of openings to keep the argument going.

The yes you are a terrible person path (because you agreed you were) The yes you shouldn't have gone to lunch without him (because you agreed this was wrong) or the I never told you I didn't like the restaurant path (again putting blame back on you) or the you and mom always exclude me (he's the victim) path and on and on it goes.

Information on Validation...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191788.0

I wanted to say here that learning the tools and strategies on this site will take time...it really is a journey.  It's all new and takes time like anything else we learn, it's trial and error and practice. It will feel awkward and weird before it begins to feel natural.  We are human and not perfect.   So don't put pressure on yourself just take the information in and give it a try when you think of it.

The first time I consciously didn't JADE was actually at work (not in relation to the pwBPD in my life), I realized that if I had elaborated (explained) on something my boss asked me about it would have just led down a path to more work.  She didn't ask for an explanation she asked for a yes or no answer.  I gave her one and it ended there.

Many of the tools learned here have crossed over into my everyday life.

How would you respond to someone demanding attention when you are an adult with your own responsibilities? I want to be gentle, but at this point I'm afraid I might react emotionally to his accusations, how do you detach?

You are human and you might react emotionally it's okay if you do.  Your feelings matter too not just your brother's.  It is also okay to put your needs before his (this does not make you a horrible selfish person - this is self-care  :hug

As Harri also mentioned in her post boundaries are key to creating the space you need from the demands of your brother.  Boundaries are about protecting your values, time, peace etc. not about punishing your brother.  Also, it isn't about just creating boundaries but also enforcing them (that's the hard part).

I love this quote because it is boundaries in a nutshell...


Information on Boundaries...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Where do you think you might be able to set some boundaries? 

Okay, I've talked long enough and given you probably too much to chew on, so I'll stop here.  I look forward to hearing back from you.

Panda39

[tiah]

Wow, Panda39, this is really helpful, thank you!

I'll read up more on JADE and tools, definitely need to practice my responses.
I've been processing our history and reading up on FOG, I have definitely been raised/preconditioned to feel responsible for my sibling's moods and behavior. If he acted out towards me, it was my fault as a child, I had to stay away from him and be invisible. I've internalized feeling guilty if he was angry, and he expected me to come back and apologize... I'm not doing it now, but I still feel very guilty, some days it's overwhelming.. I know rationally I didn't deserve his accusations, but when you grow up with someone like that it becomes part of your psyche, and when you are are held accountable for how someone else feels all your life it's very hard to detach.
Have you dealt with that at all? How do you hold boundaries without feeling guilty?
And by the way my mom told me I should talk to him first because he is older, which was her line when we were growing up, no matter what happened...talk of a bad parenting...

Thank you!
Tiah

[Harri]

How do you hold boundaries without feeling guilty?

Over time the guilt will fade or maybe shift to more accurate emotions like regret, sadness, etc that the relationship is the way it is.

Over time as we change our behaviors and the way we think and label things our emotions will follow.  That's why it is so important to not just be self-aware but also open and willing to examine our self and make changes where necessary.

So it is time for me to whip out the phrase that sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out:  It's a process.

 

[Panda39]

Have you dealt with that at all? How do you hold boundaries without feeling guilty?

Harri gave a good response to your question and I agree, it is about learning new skills, awareness, and practice and as I said in my previous post learning this will feel weird at first...like anything new.

I often share this example of setting boundaries because it shows the mechanics and I always think understanding what's going on helps.  I also share it because there is an imagery of a little kid having a tantrum and I think that less threatening imagery can help when setting boundaries with adults.  How about you image your brother as a 5 year old having a tantrum...do you think that might make it easier to set a boundary around his behavior?

Panda's boundaries simplified...

We've all seen this at the grocery store...

Mom's value: I want to take good care of my child and that includes eating good healthy food.
Mom's boundary: Sweets are to be had at special occasions only
Mom's Action: Not buy sweets for her child while grocery shopping

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no so the kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no again so the kid whines (escalates the pressure/FOG).  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no for the third time, this time kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (what we call an Extinction Burst).

(This is likely where the guilt would come in but why be guilty of defending a boundary around your value?  Why feel guilty for not letting your kid get sick, or not getting cavities?)

What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want (mom also reinforced bad behavior) and if it gets them what they want once screaming in the grocery store will likely work again. What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

This does not mean however that the little kid won't ask again the next time mom and he go to the grocery store...the kid will test the boundary again and so will the person with BPD in your life.  The key here is to always be consistent with your boundary.

And by the way my mom told me I should talk to him first because he is older, which was her line when we were growing up, no matter what happened...talk of a bad parenting...

It sounds like she couldn't deal with him either so she avoided it...took the path of least resistance.  I'm sorry she couldn't be there for you when you needed it  

Panda39

[knowledgeispower]

Tiah, I just learned about BPD and it fits my brother like a glove.  Please don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break.  Because he's your brother, you've been dealing with this for years. My advice is to let this situation go. Don't fret about it because it isn't going to produce anything positive for you. If you cannot let it go, then maybe you can view what happened as a learning experience, when you recognize what was really going on (FOG, JADE).