Fiancee has ended engagement

[Bittlecat]

Here I am again, being kicked to the curb by my fiancee, her telling me once again she can't marry me bc I'm not a man, I won't help her lift heavy things, and she is tired of taking my money to live on.( But she will pay me back when she sells her house.)
Then it jumps to how I don't love her and she no longer has feelings for me, and has stopped all intimacy, can't stand the sound of me eating or breathing, and I when I eat, my mouth comes open?
She told she wasn't even high( she smokes a lot of pot and has turned to shatter and wax) in a text mssg sent after I left, which she told me goodbye, and during a heated agruement, in which I did loose my temper some, but recovered after I realized the mistake I made, but she was already enraged. Before that, I told her I was going as I put on my coat, and that I would return in the morning, at which point she became more upset at that thought, but then continued to lay into me and asked me if I had anything to say, which is when I lost it and began shouting back at her.
I was just reading all my old threads, and I see where this same thing has happened time and again, some different reasons, but always put downs and criticizing me for real and imagined flaws.
Then just before I headed out the door, I told her " it was her loss", to which she retorted that I must have got that from a counselor, I then replied that I made that up myself, as she headed upstairs to cancel with our friend the outing we had planned the next evening.
This cycle has repeated itself, and each time she comes back, and the sex is great for a couple of weeks, then things back off a bit, but go well, then suddenly she stops all intimacy and starts being verbally abusive, but now even in front of family and friends!
I am aware that this is an unhealthy relationship, and I do seek counseling, but once again when times are good they are great!
We had a great time last week, having an outing with lunch and a trip out of town.
I would like to restart this relationship, as there are good times to be had, and had been advised to let her come back to me, as she had in the past.
It is very painful, and she's broken my heart many times, and I have learned from this site and some books, how not to take the attacks personally, but it is wearing me down.
Just for the record, anyone reading this, I proposed marriage in Dec 2017, and 5 more times after that, only to be rebuffed the last time in Dec of last year, so I decided to not ask again, but continue as all was well, but that approach has not worked well either, although longer than a formal proposal.
Is she just that emotionally unstable, that marriage terrifies her? She had many relationships, and never married.
Am I that big a fool? She took my love, my heart, and my money my family and friends said she was a gold digger) and now once again has been emotionally overloaded and kicks me to the gutter.
Do I want to continue in this chaotic, roller coaster of a relationship?
The books, the videos and text, and responses from everyone have helped immensely, as well as posting my story.
Hope that helps others to see they are not alone in this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bittlecat]

Ok, so what do I do now? Do I contact her?
She didn't ask for her key back, nor return mine like what she did in the past. Its been two days, and she has in the past gone as long as 4 weeks, but lately she comes back in 1 to 3 days.
Seems she is stressed out about her dads health, and his reluctance to have her come to him for caregiving, although he doesn't need help yet, she also does this around most holidays, and she is trying to sort and clean her house to move, but I see that she has spent most of her time coloring pictures online and posting them.
I do want to be with her, life is better with her, except for her unregulated times. She is bipolar and uBPD.
I am very distraught and depressed, do I wait until she contacts me, which is what I have done in the past?
I did talk to a counselor I had been seeing, in a recent session, but didn't ask her what I should do. It wasn't me that set off this level of irritation that she has, was it? Its not me is it?
What could I have done differently, got out of the car to help with her trash that she put in bags too heavy to pick up? She knows I'm disabled, she has been to the doctor with me, the pain from lifting can be a 9 or 10 on the scale. This is not new, its worse than when I meet her, but she knows that. Seems she picks on any flaws, and disregards the facts to make things split black.
I do enjoy her company most of the time, and want her back, but if I talk to her too soon, its makes things worse. What next?
-bittlecat

[No-One]

Hi Bittlecat:
I see in your profile notes that you were getting counseling at a Christian Counseling Ctr.  Are both of you Christians?

She is bipolar and uBPD.

  Is she taking medication and getting therapy? 

Am I that big a fool? She took my love, my heart, and my money (my family and friends said she was a gold digger) and now once again has been emotionally overloaded and kicks me to the gutter.

Just for the record, anyone reading this, I proposed marriage in Dec 2017, and 5 more times after that, only to be rebuffed the last time in Dec of last year, so I decided to not ask again, but continue as all was well, but that approach has not worked well either, although longer than a formal proposal.
Is she just that emotionally unstable, that marriage terrifies her? She had many relationships, and never married.

She may not want to get married. 

What's the total amount of money you have given her over time?  Thinking it may be a lot, since friends and family are concerned. 

Then it jumps to how I don't love her and she no longer has feelings for me, and has stopped all intimacy, can't stand the sound of me eating or breathing, and I when I eat, my mouth comes open?

  Just  wondering if you removed the intimacy/sex from the relationship, would it still be a desirable relationship?

Can you imagine that she would be supportive of you, as you age and be a comfort?  Eating and breathing are basic requirements for life.  Won't her criticism of those two things wear on you after awhile?   

Just asking some questions, to provoke some thought.  Does your therapist view this relationship as a healthy one? 

[Bittlecat]

Hi Bittlecat:
I see in your profile notes that you were getting counseling at a Christian Counseling Ctr.  Are both of you Christians?
 

Yes, we are both christian, but she will not go back to that Doctor, as she would not accept his preliminary diagnoses of BPD, nor would she take the tests he offered.

Hi Bittlecat:

  Is she taking medication and getting therapy? 
 

So, no, she keeps telling me she went through dbt and does see her pyschologist on a fairly regular basis, but only for meds. She takes her meds when she feels bad, and stops when things are going good, telling me her dr. said it was ok.

Hi Bittlecat:
 
 She may not want to get married.
 

She asked me first if I wanted to marry her, but when the date got close, she ended the engagement by stating things like I did not return text mssgs in a timely fashion, or was being snippy, or was a womanizer like my dad, whom she never met. Then she asked how and what she needed to do to " earn" her ring back. Once we set a date, and she broke the engagement because she did not like that day.
She does tend to create failure when she is close to achieving a goal, she sabotages herself. Every time we get close to marriage she backs away. Something she wants and is within reach, but she pushes it away.

Hi Bittlecat:


What's the total amount of money you have given her over time?  Thinking it may be a lot, since friends and family are concerned. 
 

What I gave her I always told her that there were no strings attached and never asked to be repaid in any way.
Paid up a couple of months on her mortgage, as well as her medical bills and veterinarian bills for her pets totals about $10k, but I bought food for her that we shared, she would make it and we would eat together or eat out, so have no idea on that.

Hi Bittlecat:



  Just  wondering if you removed the intimacy/sex from the relationship, would it still be a desirable relationship?

While intimacy/ sex is a big part of the relationship, we are both over 50 yo, and that drive has lessened with age somewhat, but yes, companionship part is great too. On a 1 to 10 scale, remove sex and its still a 7.

Hi Bittlecat:


Can you imagine that she would be supportive of you, as you age and be a comfort?  Eating and breathing are basic requirements for life.  Won't her criticism of those two things wear on you after awhile?   

She isn't fully suportive now, while when she is stressed, or having a depressive episode, I am left to being on my own, so no.
She becomes irritated about everything and anything at certain times and then starts throwing stones, putting me down and criticizing, while I try not take it personally, it does wear one down, and resentment does build up, but counseling and a self talk and writing and reading posts here help put me back on track.

Hi Bittlecat:


Just asking some questions, to provoke some thought.  Does your therapist view this relationship as a healthy one? 

And thank you for asking and getting me to thinking.
No, she does not, nor did any of the others, including the first marriage counselor, but this is a choosen relationship, and as you likely hear or read many times, the good days are great! There are more good than bad ones, but being completely kicked to the curb, devalued and slowly returned is hard, many times this only lasts a day or two, but it is troubling when it goes on for weeks.
I've known her for about two years, met her as she was mums caregiver, and she was present at mothers death bed.
My current counselor suggested the reason she won't marry me, or anyone else, is that she knows she would hurt her spouse and the marriage would fail with her causing a lot of heart ache.
Being friends is ok too, but has its disadvantages as well.
Maybe I'm like the rat and the lever, press it once a get a treat, then after a while you have to press it twice, and so on, until now it takes 99 times. Intermittent rewards?
So, I thought about this long and hard before, and concluded it was my choice, and as such I had to learn how to deal with it. But...
Thanks No One

[No-One]

Yes, we are both christian

Are you both practicing Christians (attend church services, bible study, walk the talk, etc) or are you Christian in theory?  Do you believe you are equally yoked? 

She will not go back to that Doctor, as she would not accept his preliminary diagnoses of BPD, nor would she take the tests he offered. So, no, she keeps telling me she went through dbt and does see her pyschologist on a fairly regular basis, but only for meds. She takes her meds when she feels bad, and stops when things are going good, telling me her dr. said it was ok.

Things may be different, where you live.  Typically (where I live), a psychiatrist or an MD prescribes meds.  If she takes meds, as needed, she is likely referring to benzos/tranquilizers (Zanax, Ativan, etc.).  This type of med is addictive (need to keep upping the dose) and only deals with temporary relief from anxiety. 
Most people with BPD are dealing with one or more mental health issues: depression, anxiety, bipolar or a host of other conditions.  In order to manage these conditions, most people are encouraged to take certain psychotropic meds to hopefully keep them stable.  This type of med, for anxiety & depression, doesn't work on an "as needed" basis.  You have to take the meds for a month or so, to get an optimum effect (and optimum dose) - titrating on and off to prevent side effects.  These meds are used to even people out.  There is no real benefit to taking them occasionally.

Taking a daily med is to manage depression/anxiety is generally the routine way to manage mental illness.  Benzos/tranquilizers are meds intended to supplement the routine meds, on an as-needed basis.  Benzos don't have any residual effect in dealing with anxiety, it's just a benefit by the hour (so to speak).  When the dosage wears off, during a high-anxiety period, a person has to keep taking it around the clock and keep upping the dose for a short-term benefit.

You might want to ask her the name of the med (s) she is taking and Google the name and read about it. 

Regarding DBT, it is a skill filled with strategies and healthy coping skills to do things like:  practice distress tolerance skills, skills to improve the moment and emotionally intelligent skills to use to communicate.

You might want to do a reality check and learn about some of the DBT skills.  Could it be that she had some DBT training, but just is ignoring and not using the skills?  You can find info about DBT at the website below:
www.dbtselfhelp.com/

Is she seriously implementing DBT skills?  Is she really following an optimum plan with meds, or just gaining very short term benefits from tranquilizers?

Paid up a couple of months on her mortgage, as well as her medical bills and veterinarian bills for her pets totals about $10k

Be cautious.  You are playing the role of "Rescuer".   As long as you can afford it and aren't expecting to be repaid, then it is your choice.  You might want to do periodically reality checks.   Many times, "no good deed goes unpunished".  A "Rescuer" can be seen as dull and a doormat - easily taken for granted.

Why marry you, if she knows you will always rescue her, and she can keep her freedom.  It's understandable that someone who is 50+, who hasn't ever been married, is apt to shy away from marriage.

This is a chosen relationship. My current counselor suggested the reason she won't marry me, or anyone else, is that she knows she would hurt her spouse and the marriage would fail with her causing a lot of heart ache.

Interesting.  I'm wondering if most people with BPD are capable of showing that degree of compassion?  Just staying in a relationship, and acting out, hurts the other partner (with or without marriage).  Is there any real difference between heart ache, while in a relationship without marriage, as opposed to heart ache in a relationship with marriage?

[Bittlecat]

Are you both practicing Christians (attend church services, bible study, walk the talk, etc) or are you Christian in theory?  Do you believe you are equally yoked? 

Yes, we are practicing Christians, and yes we both agree that we are equally yoked.

You might want to ask her the name of the med (s) she is taking and Google the name and read about it. 

She was on Lithium and Lamictal, but was switched to Gabapentin. I have read about all of these drugs, and I am aware they have to be taken daily at the proper intervals. There are side effects to both, with the Lithium causing her to vomit, and crave certain foods, the Gabapentin tends to make her tired.

You might want to do a reality check and learn about some of the DBT skills.  Could it be that she had some DBT training, but just is ignoring and not using the skills?  You can find info about DBT at the website below:
www.dbtselfhelp.com/

Is she seriously implementing DBT skills? 

Thanks for the website, and I will check out DBT. She has talked about changing the way she thinks and acts, and there has been some improvement.

 Be cautious.  You are playing the role of "Rescuer".   As long as you can afford it and aren't expecting to be repaid, then it is your choice.  You might want to do periodically reality checks.   Many times, "no good deed goes unpunished".  A "Rescuer" can be seen as dull and a doormat - easily taken for granted.

Yes, it does look like I am playing that role, but it was by my choice to help, and while I had to give up somethings I wanted, I made that choice, was not forced into it, and have refused to help when it became a burden on me financially. Does that still make me a rescuer?

Interesting.  I'm wondering if most people with BPD are capable of showing that degree of compassion?  Just staying in a relationship, and acting out, hurts the other partner (with or without marriage).  Is there any real difference between heart ache, while in a relationship without marriage, as opposed to heart ache in a relationship with marriage?

She had told me, during an episode of rage, that she felt she would not make a good w for me,  and that I should not want to marry her, to which I replied that I thought that should be my decision. I relayed that to the counselor, after which she made her remark.
I think thats true, what is the difference between married or not, both are painful and resentment will likely increase.
That is many times how I have felt in this relationship like " no one", to be discarded in moments notice.
Thank you No One
Bittlecat

[No-One]

She was on Lithium and Lamictal, but was switched to Gabapentin. Thanks for the website, and I will check out DBT.

Sounds like she is taking some serious meds.  Unfortunately, there can be side effects and it can be trial and error to find a med that helps and has limited/tolerable side effects.

DBT skills can be good for anyone.  You might find some of the skills helpful for you.

Does that still make me a rescuer?

 Bailing her out of multiple financial situations does = rescuer.

Hang in there.  Only you can make a decision of what is right for you.  Stay strong and don't let the criticism get you down.  Perhaps. work on a way to try to shut it down or remove yourself, when it gets you down.

PS:  Take care of your back & don't let her shame you into lifting more than your capable of.  

[Bittlecat]

Sounds like she is taking some serious meds.

Yes, she has been on Lithium since I met her, and a few months ago the dosage was increased,  but she refuses to take it regularly.
She was much different, and more regulated when she did take her meds and stayed off the alcohol and flower, but that lasted only about 3 months, as she was trying to get clean for employment.

  Bailing her out of multiple financial situations does = rescuer.

I rescued her again just recently as I had bought her a pair of prescription glasses she could not afford for her birthday and then she lost them, and I replaced them after 3 weeks of trying to find them.
What information can I read about rescuing?

DBT skills can be good for anyone. 

Hang in there.  Only you can make a decision of what is right for you.  Stay strong and don't let the criticism get you down.  Perhaps. work on a way to try to shut it down or remove yourself, when it gets you down.

PS:  Take care of your back & don't let her shame you into lifting more than your capable of. 

Thanks for your caring response, it was very informative and uplifting!
I will check out DBT link.
Thanks No One, you have been very helpful!
-BC

[No-One]

Yes, she has been on Lithium since I met her, and a few months ago the dosage was increased,  but she refuses to take it regularly.
She was much different, and more regulated when she did take her meds and stayed off the alcohol and flower, but that lasted only about 3 months, as she was trying to get clean for employment

Alcohol abuse is a problem.  I'm thinking there can be pros and cons to using Marijuana products.  Has she ever tried CBD oil products (non-psychoactive)?  Some people gain a benefit from CBD oil to help them sleep and with anxiety management.   I've used CBD oil to help with insomnia.  It can take a little trial & error to find what might be an optimum dose of CBD oil (you may need to take it for a few days in order to gain an optimum benefit).  There doesn't appear to be any downside of side effects with CBD oil, but you may need to blaze your own trail a bit.  The one down side is that you have to pay for it out of pocket (no insurance covers it).  Some CBD online sellers offer a discount for disabled people.  Looking for sales, can help you get better prices.  If you get on a mailing list for a few sellers, you can get notification of their sales.

I rescued her again just recently as I had bought her a pair of prescription glasses she could not afford for her birthday and then she lost them, and I replaced them after 3 weeks of trying to find them.
What information can I read about rescuing?

  Buying her a birthday gift isn't rescuing.  Replacing them so soon, after she lost them, may lean towards a rescue.
Check out this recent thread below, that focuses on drama triangles.  It can get confusing.  We all can tend to change roles periodically.  The goal is to be more neutral and not take on the role of Rescuer, Victim or Prosecutor. The thread has some links.  One link, within the thread is to a workshop on this website. A couple of the replies in the thread have some examples that can be helpful.
Here is a link to the thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336788.0

[Bittlecat]

Alcohol abuse is a problem.  I'm thinking there can be pros and cons to using Marijuana products. 

She and I have tried CBD for relief of pain and for her , anxiety and pain, but she prefers using flower and mixing in shatter/wax with 50/50 CBD /THC. Claims it stops the rapid thoughts and numbs her to emotional pain, and sometimes it seems to, but other times it increases her paranoia. She was more regulated without it and staying on her meds, and I've expressed that to her many times, but to no avail.

  Buying her a birthday gift isn't rescuing.  Replacing them so soon, after she lost them, may lean towards a rescue.
Check out this recent thread below, that focuses on drama triangles.  It can get confusing.  We all can tend to change roles periodically.  The goal is to be more neutral and not take on the role of Rescuer, Victim or Prosecutor. The thread has some links.  One link, within the thread is to a workshop on this website. A couple of the replies in the thread have some examples that can be helpful.
Here is a link to the thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336788.0

Thank you for you caring thoughts, I have looked the "triangle" link before and will check it out once more.
Thanks again No One
-BCat

[Bittlecat]

So do we, as nonBPD experience a sort of PTSD of our relationships with bipolar BPD SO's?
When in combat, your buddy and you find a bombed out building in which to take cover, eat, drink and maybe get some sleep, as it seems safe and somewhat secure, and when all is going well, just as you're relaxing, that dull THWACK sound comes again, and while it seems a long time has passed, but its been only seconds, you realize that you have your face and hands splattered with blood, bone and brain matter! You first think its you, but wait, you're still breathing and feeling, and you realize its your long time battleweary partner, slumped over!
But there is no time to morn, just follow orders and move out and save your own life!
Kinda feels that same way, with a bipolar BPD partner, the relationship quickly goes from 0 to 10 in just a few weeks, then bounces around from 6 to 8, but without warning, the Thwack comes!
Not quite as fast as in combat, but takes you by surprise, as you enter the house with a bag of take out food, and you skimped on what you wanted, so you could buy her that chocolate shake and special dessert she loves, only to walk in and greet her and be told not to touch her or kiss her, just sit down and eat! Then much to your surprise, she starts telling you she can't stand the sound of you eating, or breathing for that matter. And even worse, the very sound of your voice irritates her and she begins throwing stones at you, as she knocks over her shake, and becomes more angry, raging on, now throwing rocks, no, big rocks, no, huge rocks with sharp edges, designed to penetrate your flesh and muscle, break bones, but mostly just scar you emotionally, and make you hurt the way she does! So while you validate her feelings and try in vain to make a statement of what you feel, you're told not to confuse the issue with the facts. And even as you try to remove yourself from the situation, she rages on, louder and meaner, as you assure her you will return tomorrow morning, she tells you that you don't love her anymore, and she doesn't love you , and you should never return. Goodbye , and don't ever come back, she yells.
Here we can take the time to reflect, and morn the loss of our relationship, but it goes from a 10 to 0 in minutes, like losing a loved one to a sudden death, its shocking, traumatizing, and not only do you have to deal with the sudden seperation, but the emotional pain she inflicted too! Much like PTSD from combat, except we can choose not to return, unlike following orders, yet many of us, myself included, return again and again only to experience the BPD dance, over and over, until we are broken!
-BC

[No-One]

Much like PTSD from combat, except we can choose not to return, unlike following orders, yet many of us, myself included, return again and again only to experience the BPD dance, over and over, until we are broken! . . .
On a 1 to 10 scale, remove sex and its still a 7.

I think most emotionally healthy soldiers, given the choice to take a mission with guaranteed abuse and PTSD, or a mission with a strong likelihood that PTSD will NOT occur.  - the emotionally healthy soldier would take the mission where PTSD is unlikely.

You have chosen to fill your dance card with an abusive person. I'm thinking that you may not think of her as abusive?  Is that the case?

You previously stated that the relationshp was worth it and that without the sex, your satisfaction level is a 7, on a scale of 1-10. Your view of what you should accept in a relationship sounds skewed.  

You might want to do a reality check.  Your distress in your posts, don't spell out a satisfaction relationship score of a "7" to me, as a reader.  Is she that good looking?

You have indicated that you "both" are Christians who "walk the walk" and not just "talk the talk".  I understand that people with mental health disorders have struggles with managing their disorders.  To me, there is a difference between someone who is making an attempt to use some of the DBT tools, and try a healthy way to "improve the moment" or work on "distress tollerance", and someone who doesn't even make an attempt to use health tools, but abuses alcohol.

Being a Christian, doesn't mean you are a doormat.  Mental disorders are not an excuse to be abusive.   The way your partner acts towards you makes it sound like she isn't even trying to follow biblical principles.

You might want to look at some of these things with a therapist.  Do you not feel good enough to be in a healthy relationship?  Was there something in your past that predispositions you for an unhealthy relationship?  Maybe your parent's relationship?

Might you be addicted to the drama?  Why are you clinging onto a desire to "fix" or "rescue" her.  Why have you set the bar so low to achieve a "7"?

Just provoking more thought.  

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Bittlecat-

That was an emotionally driven post you made on 5/31; and really delivered a visual of what you’re experiencing within your relationship with your BPD / bipolar GF.  I am so sorry for the pain you’re enduring. 

I don’t think we stay because we’re “addicted to drama”; I think sometimes we stay because we’re waiting for the person we originally met to return to us.    Would that be the case with you, Bittlecat?

But yes, I believe we CAN develop a sort of PTSD inside of these relationships; or if we have any form of trauma in our past, that trauma can swell to the surface because of these relationships.  At least that’s what happened to me.

It is important to take a good and solid look at your relationship.  And really understand if this is good for you... the way it is now.  If you were to marry her and she were to be EXACTLY as she is NOW.  Is this the life you want?  Only you can answer that.

From my understanding of bipolar meds, they’re not like pain meds, which are to be taken when you hurt.  Bipolar meds are to be taken as directed.  She’s noncompliant in her own healing and healthcare.  And she dismisses your needs regarding your disability.  She’s a full-grown adult.  How much can you teach her?  Is she willing to heal and learn what love is about... what marriage entails? 

She’s never been married, has she?  That’s a frightening idea to her, for good reason.  Perhaps don’t force the issue until you see whether this is a person who really loves YOU, is compassionate and has some staying power.  I’m not sure you’ve seen that yet.  Also, why would her own father decline her coming to him as a caregiver?  Perhaps He knows her as well or better than you do...

I know this is painful.  We believe we have found a beautiful love, and are twisted down and confused when the disappointment and sadness hits as these behaviors surge forward.  But Bittlecat, we cannot love them to wellness.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

I think most emotionally healthy soldiers, given the choice to take a mission with guaranteed abuse and PTSD, or a mission with a strong likelihood that PTSD will NOT occur.  - the emotionally healthy soldier would take the mission where PTSD is unlikely.

Thanks No One, for your thought provoking questions, and this is what I think and feel:
As a healthy and emotional stable, for the most part, confident and macho alpha male, I would choose the hardest task, the one no one else wants to do, the one that that gives me a rush when I figure out a way to complete it.
I want a challenge in life, not to just sit back and take the easy way out, certainly there is glory in doing and challenging oneself.
So I've chosen this relationship and the challenges it has in store, but that doesn't mean that I won't ask for help to accomplish my task. Nor would this preclude the fact that this challenge may be beyond my abilities.

You have chosen to fill your dance card with an abusive person. I'm thinking that you may not think of her as abusive?  Is that the case?

She is at times verbally abusive, and has early in our relationship threatened physical abuse by hitting a box and saying she wished that was my head, and actually raising her hand to slap my face. But after counseling, has stopped that behaviour.

You previously stated that the relationshp was worth it and that without the sex, your satisfaction level is a 7, on a scale of 1-10. Your view of what you should accept in a relationship sounds skewed. 

You might want to do a reality check.  Your distress in your posts, don't spell out a satisfaction relationship score of a "7" to me, as a reader..  Is she that good looking?

Maybe your right, my idea of a relationship is skewed, for I have never found a real "10", after the honeymoon, when the masks start to come off.
There are always compromises to be made, and some needs go unfilled. A fairy tale relationship is not a reality for anyone, except in...fairy tales!
Truth be known, I did not find her attractive at first meeting, but was rather neutral to her looks.

  To me, there is a difference between someone who is making an attempt to use some of the DBT tools, and try a healthy way to "improve the moment" or work on "distress tollerance", and someone who doesn't even make an attempt to use health tools, but abuses alcohol.

Being a Christian, doesn't mean you are a doormat.  Mental disorders are not an excuse to be abusive.   The way your partner acts towards you makes it sound like she isn't even trying to follow biblical principles.

I believe she has made some progress in using DBT and CBT skills, and she does have a MAC( masters at counseling) from a Christian college.
The occasion and length and severity of these dysregulated times have improved, being longer apart and for shorter duration.
I fully agree that she, at her worst times, does not appear to follow biblical teachings in anyway.

You might want to look at some of these things with a therapist.  Do you not feel good enough to be in a healthy relationship?  Was there something in your past that predispositions you for an unhealthy relationship?  Maybe your parent's relationship?

Good questions!
I can answere the one about my past, as my father certainly showed traits of BPD, being very critical and constantly trying to control us, as kids. He also was putting down mom for just about everything, verbally abusive to her.
But it served to teach me and my siblings what not to do!
As for, do I feel I deserve a healthy relationship, yesI do, but with reservations, as I also have flaws and imperfections and likely more than a few dragons to slay!

Might you be addicted to the drama?  Why are you clinging onto a desire to "fix" or "rescue" her.  Why have you set the bar so low to achieve a "7"?

Yes, maybe I am addicted to some drama, I am not sure I'd be totally happy with a boring, scheduled unexciting life. But not the emotional pain from seperation, and unearned put downs from splitting and projection and a lack of reality.
I wanted to show her that I would be able to take care of her needs financially, and share what I have with her by way of unconditional love. Is that wrong?
Why would I accept a "7"? Because there are no fairy tales!
Thank you No One for making me think!
I would like to continue talking and read what you think and feel.
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,

That was an emotionally driven post you made on 5/31; and really delivered a visual of what you’re experiencing within your relationship with your BPD / bipolar GF.  I am so sorry for the pain you’re enduring. 

Thank you for understanding and expressing your care and concern!

I don’t think we stay because we’re “addicted to drama”; I think sometimes we stay because we’re waiting for the person we originally met to return to us.    Would that be the case with you, Bittlecat?

Yes, that would be ideal, but I've learned she treats the people she truely loves differently than her friends. I don't think we can ever return to first idealized status, the "10".

It is important to take a good and solid look at your relationship.  And really understand if this is good for you... the way it is now.  If you were to marry her and she were to be EXACTLY as she is NOW.  Is this the life you want?  Only you can answer that.

No, marriage is no longer a consideration at this time, while she has made some strides to improve and so have I, to understand her, and myself. At the same time, when things are good...
I have resolved to be just " friends" for the time being, and work on leaving during those bad times, and avoid getting hit by the rocks she tosses at me, or worse buried under them.

From my understanding of bipolar meds, they’re not like pain meds, which are to be taken when you hurt.  Bipolar meds are to be taken as directed.  She’s noncompliant in her own healing and healthcare.  And she dismisses your needs regarding your disability.  She’s a full-grown adult.  How much can you teach her?  Is she willing to heal and learn what love is about... what marriage entails?

Yes, you do understand correctly, Lithium builds its effects over constant and consistant use, over time. Same as the bipolar ups and downs, she goes on and off taking her meds.
She tells me that she is " working on it" and stops adverse behavior at times, more often now.
She told me she can't love someone as fully as she wants to, bc then her emotions turn the other way to hate!

She’s never been married, has she?  That’s a frightening idea to her, for good reason.  Perhaps don’t force the issue until you see whether this is a person who really loves YOU, is compassionate and has some staying power.  I’m not sure you’ve seen that yet.  Also, why would her own father decline her coming to him as a caregiver?  Perhaps He knows her as well or better than you do...

No, she has never been married before, but did have a number of suitors, only one of which she wanted to marry, besides myself. Many of her friends were only for the drugs and booze, and thrills.
She did tell me that I was her rock, and that I was the best one to come along, but that she thought she could do this( get married) but is not able to do it.
I have heard her conversations with her dad, and I do see where her life is in chaos much of the time, can't find her keys, can't find her meds, don't know where she left her phone!
I think her parents certainly don't need her chaos and to experience the hater side at their age. She was a good, cargiver for my mom, but she wasn't exactly a loved one( my mom).

I know this is painful.  We believe we have found a beautiful love, and are twisted down and confused when the disappointment and sadness hits as these behaviors surge forward.  But Bittlecat, we cannot love them to wellness.

You are right! Thanks for the kind and caring words, and all your help. I allow myself to be hurt by her actions and words, and fall prey to the emotional rocks she throws, and need to get back on center.
She did contact me, and later we went with family to an outing that was supposed to be done eariler, but was rescheduled bc she wasn't "well", and had a great time, reminding me of why I want to be with her, her enthusiasm, and love for the activities, her spontaneity made the day for all us!
I have stayed away from her since, talking a couple times by txt. Taking it slow.
Thanks Gemsforeyes, your insights and questions are invaluable!
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Hey Feuer

You already know the answer to that question.

We do many strange things for love!
-BC

[No-One]

Why would I accept a "7"? Because there are no fairy tales!

I may have been a bit ambiguous with my question.  I was trying to say that you may have the bar way too low for rating a "7".  It can be interesting how people rate things, and it is subjective.  I see a "10" relationship to be impossible (not realistic).  There may be periods of time, when things feel like a "10" (especially during idealization periods).  A "10" is only sustainable with robots.  Frankly, sustaining a "10" would not be possible.

My thoughts about the rating scale are that an "8" or "9" are about as good as it gets.  A "7", to me, would be a good mutually  respectful relationship, with a few kinks to work out (but nothing abusive, no BPD).

I was challenging your "7" rating, thinking from what you describe, that I'd likely rate her under "5". But, I don't know what I don't know.  Just basing it on the negatives and what my tolerance level would be.  

As a healthy and emotional stable, for the most part, confident and macho alpha male, I would choose the hardest task, the one no one else wants to do, the one that that gives me a rush when I figure out a way to complete it.

Sounds like a resume for a "rescuer" position.  I find it interesting that you would sign up for guaranteed PTSD, just for the thrill of the mission.  I wonder if you will still be up to that challenge 10 years from now?

Have you had relationships in the past with an emotionally healthy person, and NOT gotten bored with it?

I believe she has made some progress in using DBT and CBT skills, and she does have a MAC( masters at counseling) from a Christian college.

A very interesting fact.  I think that some people with mental disorders, pursue a counseling degree, in a quest to fix themself.  Unfortunately, it's generally a lot easier to give advice, than to take your own advice.

Her degree should have provided her with knowledge of coping skills, or at the very least, the skills to communicate in a more emotionally healthy way.

My father certainly showed traits of BPD, being very critical and constantly trying to control us, as kids. He also was putting down mom for just about everything, verbally abusive to her.  But it served to teach me and my siblings what not to do!

Did your father have a military background?

As an outsider, looking in, I'd say you choose a partner with familiar behaviors.  No, you aren't following your father's pattern of criticizing and using verbal abuse.  You have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who shares some traits with your father.

They say that many people tend to seek out what's familiar.  Sounds like your partner is a female version of your dad. 

Our fathers sound like they had similar traits.  My reaction has been to steer clear of anyone with a temper and/or a critical nature. 

[Bittlecat]

Hey No One,

I was challenging your "7" rating, thinking from what you describe, that I'd likely rate her under "5".
 I wonder if you will still be up to that challenge 10 years from now?

I was rating the relationship based on the good times, now would likely be a 3.
So what is it overall? I'm a numbers kind of guy, and if we just consider the good times at "7", the so- so times at 5 and the bad ones at 3, then factor in the percentage of time spent at each level, regardless of the fact that you are right as to its subjectivity, it works out to"5.5"!
Hmmmmm!
Another very good question, 10 years from now can I deal with the issues as well as now?
I saw my parents become much less flexible and tolerate less as they aged, so likely no!
Yes, it might appear that way, a rescuer position, as I have already stepped into that ring, and being aware of that, I will make some changes.

Have you had relationships in the past with an emotionally healthy person, and NOT gotten bored with it?

After learning about mental illness, I think the relationship that I had before this, for 30+yrs, she also had some BPD traits, although current SO is "10" on BPD traits, my ex was maybe a 5 or 6, more like my dad. We had only one breakup and makeup.

 Did your father have a military background?
You have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who shares some traits with your father.
They say that many people tend to seek out what's familiar.  Sounds like your partner is a female version of your dad. 

Yes, he was Army aircorps WWII, in a fighter squadron.
Hmmm! She is like him in many ways, and some more pronounced.
Thanks for the enlightening conversation!
I know that's never a reason to continue a relationship, hoping they will help themselves, nor that at over 50 yo, how much time do I have to find a better mate? I don't choose to be alone, I feel that life is better when you can share it with someone.
A lot of hmm! to think about, I am in contact with her, but have not gone over to her, except for the one day.
Thank you No One
-BC

[No-One]

She is like him in many ways, and some more pronounced.
Thanks for the enlightening conversation!
I know that's never a reason to continue a relationship, hoping they will help themselves, nor that at over 50 yo, how much time do I have to find a better mate? I don't choose to be alone, I feel that life is better when you can share it with someone.
A lot of hmm! to think about, I am in contact with her, but have not gone over to her, except for the one day.
Thank you No One  -BC

Bittlecat:
You sound like you would be "a catch" for many women within a church community.  I don't think you have to be alone, unless that is your choice.  Vintage men generally have a much larger field of partners to choose from, as opposed to vintage women.

One approach could be to just put thoughts about an engagement on the back burner.  Perhaps make it clear to her that you both can see other people, and aren't exclusive.  If you still want to see her, then see her occasionally, but explore relationships with other women.

If encountering each other at church functions is a problem, perhaps you could find an alternate church to attend.

You could always try a Christian dating site? It could be refreshing to mingle with some people who show you respect.  Even socializing with some church men's groups could present opportunities to stay busy.  Probably some of them know some nice widowed women they'd like to fix you up with.

[Gemsforeyes]

Bittlecat-

Are you looking to work on improving your relationship or on gradually moving out of this relationship?  Or are you conflicted at this point?

What, if any conversations have you been able to have with your GF about the status of your relationship?  I understand from your standpoint (and hers) marriage is off the table.  It appears she will not be able to commit to that.  And likely things should feel more healthy before taking that step anyway.

In your mind, Does the absence of marriage cancel out the possibility of a long-term relationship?  This would obviously only be the case if certain individual behaviors improved and the relationship stabilized.  It’s a bad feeling to be pushed to the point where you shout back, isn’t it?  That began happening with me after about 3.5 years.  I had cowered and lost my voice until then.  We have been through it...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

Hey No One

Bittlecat:

One approach could be to just put thoughts about an engagement on the back burner.  Perhaps make it clear to her that you both can see other people, and aren't exclusive.  If you still want to see her, then see her occasionally, but explore relationships with other women.

You could always try a Christian dating site?

Thank you again for your help and the time to respond.
We have talked about our future and had decide that we should only be friends, good friends for now as we work on our issues.
Then she spoke of how I was the only one she ever wanted to marry, and how I broke her heart when I did not marry her after she told everyone about it. Again she walked away from that 2 days before the date, saying she coud not marry me bc I don't answere the phone right and she wanted a fairy tale courtship and wedding?
So, we are agreed once again to remain friends, but still exclusive for time being.
Thanks for the encouragement, and thought provoking questions.
Will you tell me more about your relationship and where you are now?
Thanks
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes

Are you looking to work on improving your relationship or on gradually moving out of this relationship?  Or are you conflicted at this point?

I was looking at trying to improve things, but also the possibility of moving out of this relationship.
Yeah, talk about conflicted!

What, if any conversations have you been able to have with your GF about the status of your relationship?  And likely things should feel more healthy before taking that step anyway.

We talked for some time, and had decided it was best for now, the near future to resolve to be friends, good friends, but she continues to tell me she is moving away to her parents, and seems to try to black mail me into proposing once again. GF had pushed me again to wanting me to marry her tomorrow! Thats a boundry I won't break, as I'm not a teenager, not without some experience and forsight, she refuses to do a pre nup to protect our finances, as hers is well... Credit rating of 550, mine is 819. We decided that our long term goals would include improving our relationship and ourselves before reconsidering marraige.

In your mind, Does the absence of marriage cancel out the possibility of a long-term relationship?  It’s a bad feeling to be pushed to the point where you shout back, isn’t it?

I did spend many years with a partner without benefit of marraige, and did not want to do that again, but its not totally outside my boundries.
Yes, it sure is bad feeling to be pushed to that point!
She recently told me to express my feelings when I am hurt or offended by her, and I have spoken up only to have my feelings invalidated, called a liar and totally distorted what I just told her? Really doesn't encourage one to speak up!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Would it be ok to ask you to share with me some details of your relationship and where you are now?
Thanks so much, your help is invaluable!
-BC

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC- (man... this turned out to be so LONG!  your thread may be locked down when we’re in the middle of our conversation, so let’s try to continue anyway, ok?)

My relationship and where I am now... good question!  I’m 61 and so is he.  We met almost 6 years ago, when I was 2.5 years out from my marital separation and 9 months free from my divorce.  I was with my ex-H for 19 years and had turned myself inside out trying to keep him happy.  The marriage ended the night he threw me across the room.  Eight months later I fled my home and moved cross-country.  I stupidly left my world behind.  I knew my ex-H had strong Narc traits, but recently learned he also has BPD traits.  Shame on me...

So I met my uBPDbf on-line, and oh man!  We spoke on the phone for about 10 hours before I agreed to meet him for supper.  I had not dated since 1992 and this was 2013...  in the last 6 years he has broken my heart and my spirit, I cannot tell you how many times... but not anymore.  Now that I know.

See, I didn’t know, or understand why this successful, beautiful, talented man would lie about stupid things, appear sneaky as all get out, do hurtful things, rage at me using profanity laced strings I’d never imagine hearing, and then embrace me with love I’d never felt.  It was dizzying.  The “I love you’s, marry me, I want to be your religion, etc. came way too quickly and his anger and screaming came out of NOWHERE.  I had never been treated with such kindness or hatred in my life.

The truth of his past, his childhood, came out when we were dining with my mom.  That’s when I learned about the torture he endured at the hands of his father.  I sat there in stunned silence.  The rest he’s told me over time.  And continues to tell me.

I found this site in May 2017, when I searched the term “unprovoked rage in men”.  And wow, just wow... Many of the more reckless behaviors are a thing of the past.  And he will NOT cheat on me... even during times we are apart.  That is a “thing” for him.  Once during a particularly cruel rage, uBPDbf said he was “going to fly ex-H here and find out what really happened”.  But then some friends of mine (men) privately told uBPDbf that ex-H cheated on me.  And since that day, his HATRED of ex-H and all he did to me has remained at an elevated place.

My uBPDbf and I admit to each other that we love one another and we’ll likely be in one another’s lives permanently.  I hope so.    He trusts me, but I am not at the place where I trust him, and I don’t know that I’ll get there.  It is an odd thing... he IS a good man, a truly GOOD person, and my secret goal is to teach him empathy... through what he sees lacking in actions of other people, what he criticizes in other people in his family.  As he complains ad nauseum about certain people I point out the fact that they feel no “empathy”; that they have not yet learned to put themselves in someone else’s shoes.  And that’s why they appear cold and heartless to him.  I leave out that he does that, too.  He listens intently.

Our dance has historically been like this -  we hum along and then something, or nothing will happen, he will spin out of control and I would cower at his rage.  I too, have a child in me who suffered abuse and held trauma down.  But I’ve been working hard on that this past year.  I had NO ability to express anger at all.  But I do now.  And I did it to him in December.  For the first time, I purposely hurt HIM, but I’ll get back to that.

So our “dance” had been that he’d rage, threaten to leave, and depending on my state of mind (after I learned the communication tools here), I’d either talk him down, or let him go.  If he left, or leaves, he sends a “fishing” text to see if I forgive him and he can come back.

When we’re apart, I’ll send him a photo text of my dog ( he LOVES her) or an orchid (he loves to tend to my garden & so appreciates my love for the orchids he placed there).  These are my kind of nurturing check-in texts to be sure he’s ok.  He ALWAYS responds to these.  We have NEVER BLOCKED one another from contact.  I tell my T and my close friend when I do this so I have accountability.  Re: Facebook, I’m NOT very active there.  When we first got together, he wanted to be friends, so I accepted.  After his first rage, he “de-friended” me and I thought “whhhhaaattt?”  When he told me (I didn’t know) and he asked if we could be friends again, I said “nope!”  And that’s where it stayed.

Now for December 2018 and MY anger... he did a bad thing right after my very best friend died unexpectedly in 2/2018.  I had to send him away and I was a mess and in deep grief.  He knew her well and knew how amazing she is and how she was my heart sister.  She was 10 years younger than I am.   UBPDbf and I had spoken and texted, but had not laid eyes on one another in over 8 months.  I invited him for Thanksgiving 2018 and he came, some of my family was here from out of town, and he’s pretty comfortable with them.  During that weekend, they decided to invite him to a wedding out of town the next month - December.

So we drive up to the wedding... he’s very talkative and telling me things I’d never heard.  A good and fun drive up.  We go to a large extended family dinner and he’s really snippy and pretty rude to me.  We get back to the hotel and he blows a gasket and threatens to leave. When he told me he “wanted to deck me so bad”, I LOST it.  He said those words to me, and he knows my trauma... he KNOWS I was violently raped.  He KNOWS my ex-H threw me across the room.  He knows other things.  For the first time, I lost it.  And I do mean I LOST it.  And I PUSHED WORDS OUT OF MY MOUTH.  Mean words.  The meanest.  With full intention.  I had NOT saved these words up, but I let it rip, BC.  I wanted him gone.  I did NOT want him to stay the weekend and ruin this beautiful wedding experience.

What did I say?  Hoo boy!  Part of it was “...and little people like you with BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER WILL NEVER GET BETTER because you are a coward afraid of your own shadow and reflection... you are NOTHING if you are not BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE for your problems!  So GO!  ...”. I stood there pointing a finger at his face, using full words and a full voice.  At that moment, I was talking to him, and to a child molester from my past, to the rapist from my past and to the ex-H... all in one fell swoop.  All of them got it that night.

And he left, silent and shaking and red-faced into the night.  I slept well.

A few weeks later I felt horrible guilt about what I’d done to him.  When he wanted to come back after that (he sent me a cutesy text), I told him I wasn’t ready, that I was working on some anger issues in therapy.  He asked, “anger at me?”  And I said “no, my ex-H”.  My guilt was terrible, but my T said not to worry about it, he wouldn’t remember my words.  Somewhere in him, he knows I hurt him for the first time.  The only conversation we’ve had is when he brought up how “stupid” he was for driving home in the storm that night.  And I said “you’ve done a lot smarter things in your life”.  We laughed...  elephant in the room, anyone?

There are a LOT of issues.  But there are a LOT of things we laugh about.  And I am closer with him than I am with most people, now that I am really beginning to understand myself.  Last weekend I told him when we were on a date for brunch and a little gambling at the casino “you’re one of my most favorite people”.  And he said “you ARE my favorite person!”  And we held hands and gave a kiss.  I have always forgiven him.  No one else has... I’m not trying to bleed him or steal from him.  I think I operate in a mindset of anticipation when he’s here.  That works for me...  not anxiety, but anticipation.

You see, BC... this is clearly NOT my first rodeo.  My older sister can be pretty psychotic (not an understatement and psychotic is my brother’s word) and I’ve been dealing with her cruelty my entire life.  I would say she got me used to dealing with rageful people.  And cowering.  But when she starts, I remove myself... from the phone, the room, whatever.  And my dad had a bad temper... BUT... my dad knew me, loved me and understood me better than ANYONE.  He’s been gone since 1992 and no one has come close to understanding me like my dad did.  And my sad definition of love, when I first started therapy was angry and protective, but very reliable.  And that’s my uBPDbf.

Our relationship is now a “secret” from everyone in my family, except my mom. 

I don’t know where this goes.  I don’t.  But for today, I’m content with it.  Do I wish it were different?  Yes... but I’m so filled with my own past that how can I judge his flaws when I see him trying?  If he stops trying, then I’ll give up on him, too.  I just know, above all else, I cannot and will not live in a state of fear.

And you?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Thank you so much for sharing your life story with me!
I read it over many times, and shed a tear, I'm so sorry for the hurt and pain you have endured!
I always felt a certain kindess and compassion in your words, and now see that you have been there, and then some!
And you're still there.
I too, am content with this relationship, most of the time, and she has been trying and improving some, and while the set backs are hours or days instead of weeks or months, I am not sure where we are headed.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to respond, you are very kind and helpful.
Wishing you the best and brightest future!
Thank you!
-BC

[Bittlecat]

My EX was certainly ubpd as well, as she exhibits the same, or many of the same characteristics of my GF. Her mother was diagnosed as Manic -depressive, and she never showed the swings up and down, or I never recognized them, but in retrospect, both my EX and GF acted in same ways as my dad. But my current GF is 5 star, card carrying, patron member of the bp and bpd club.
Both are horders, and tend be to chaotic in their lifestyle, are verbally abusive, blame all their problems on me, and could turn my best, well intended actions into something horrible.
Gemsforeyes, you have said it best, that no one had ever been so kind and yet so hated to you, as that is whats happening here.
We may be coming to the end of the roller coaster ride, as GF and I have our own places, and while walking her dog one night recently, she found a 28 yo guy, drunk and under the influence of who knows what drugs, crashed behind the store, and has brought him home to her place, letting him stay " on the couch", so she could " help" him. By his own admission he has been homeless for 3 years, and never sober by choice.
Her help, again by the guys own words, was that she and he smoked flower and shatter all day!
Then the next day I saw he had beer and cigarettes provided by my GF!
She claims she can help him, and now wants to clear a cluttered room upstairs for him to stay in, something she promised to do for me, so when we moved in together, I could have some space of my own, but never accomplished it.
How risky to bring a person you don't know into your house! I would have paid for a motel room for him, and got him to a help center, if he wanted to go, but he still resides at her place, for 4 days now. Like the old saying " feed a cat, have a cat", supply a homeless person with smoke and alcohol and food and shelter, why would he ever leave?
I am not now, nor would I ever be comfortable with inviting a homeless person, whom I don't know into my abode. This is one of those big red flags! When I tried to speak to her about it, using a compliment to open, and then "I" statements to express my concerns, I was told that God sent him to her to help him.
I've gotten past, and forgiven and forgotten all the other things, yet this one...
-BC

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear BC-
Please be careful not to compare your GF’s inability to clean out the upstairs room for you with her announcement that she will now clean that room out for her “temporary” 28-year old homeless guest.  There is no comparison.  You have nothing to forgive here.

And her “help” for this young man, this young guy who “GOD” sent for her to “help”?  He’s more than likely living on the streets largely due to his addiction issues, and her brand of “help”, providing him with alcohol and drugs will only deepen his problems.  But sadly you cannot tell her these things.  Unless she asks for your advice or opinion.  Or HE does.. and he might.

My take is that she’s again feeling lost, wants company and she’s found an equal of sorts.  Another lost soul.  He’s not in any way a person to take your place.  He’s simply in no position to judge ANYTHING she does.  And she knows this.  He’s bringing relief to her right now.  This probably won’t last.  And hopefully he’s a harmless and gentle guy.  He likely is, and BPDs can be a pretty good judge of character.

Here’s the thing, if she cycles through with rages, there will eventually be one.  And he’ll be gone.  He will likely become more afraid of her if she dysregulates.  This will upset his balance; and an inside bed will not be worth the price of her behavior.

I worked for years with a homeless client base through my volunteer work, but our clients had to be clean and sober to stay in our program.  Most of them were amazingly good people.  When they were on the streets, they were lost.  They were so clear-eyed and clear-headed once they became sober.  Truly good people.

Just try and keep in mind, BC.  She’s not doing this to you.  And if she were honest, she’d admit it’s not for him.  She’s doing it for herself.

Take good care,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

Gemsforeyes,
Thank you for your time and comments!
I do feel threatened by this homeless guys presence, and I think it undermines our relationship, that GF would make this decision that effects both of us, without consulting me, and at first refused to even answere any questions I had.
I feel hurt, blown off, find her actions very inappropriate.
She did clean the bedroom for him, not the one at the end of the hall, but the one right next to hers!
You have reduced my concerns, but I find it hard to believe that this not a threat to me, when she seats herself next to him and myself across the table?
When we talked in person, she acted I thought, like a 8 yo walking in the door holding a stray cat saying " Mom, look what followed me home! Can I keep him?"
My first impressions are correct more than not, but the look what I found, I'm going to keep him seemed right.
I did spend the day with him, GF dropped him off with beer and pot, but he refused to do the pot, but the six pack didn't last long!
He is a hard worker, and does appear to be good guy, and I don't fear him, but don't fully trust him either.
And yes, I wonder if he is my replacement.
I have never before dealt with the love/hate, joy/sad, push/pull, and up/down, white/black of this relationship at these extremes.
The counselor I was seeing, during the last session spent most of her time doing paperwork and working on her computer, while briefly talking to me, and announced that she thought she was not able to help me any further, even after my objections, and refused to schedule the next session, so now I feel even more isolated.
Looks like its raining in the house again as my keyboard is wet once again!
I don't know how to express my gratitude, other than to just say" Dziękuję bardzo" which is polish for Thank You very much!
-BC

[Bittlecat]

As my keyboard dries, I do recall during the longer of our many breakups, she did adopt a dog once, and a cat another time!
Now she just adopted( unbeknown to the homeless guy) a little brother or he could be my son! ( her words).
-BC

[Bittlecat]

I think that I was told, more than once that certain bpd behaviors tend to be absorbed by nbpd, and I'm pretty sure the paint salesman has sold me a can of black paint, as I see myself turning things black, splitting them to the dark side.
I need to find that salesman and buy a can of gray and some white, and get back to where I was, finding good in people and their actions.
Interesting, but my sister does also have anger issues, is I believe bpd, has been married 4x, and current hubby has threatened to leave her more than once.
So, I too have dealt with bpd like behaviors from childhood, and here I am.
One last note, tonite GF doted on him( the homeless guy) at dinner, then as suddenly as she turns on me, began telling him she did not like how he made noise in the bathroom in the morning, and he began defending himself and well you can guess the rest... You're right Gemsforeyes, thanks!
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Wow! You were right!
She dysregulated and was very irritated at her homeless guest for slaming doors and tapping his razor on the sink!
And probably a few more things I had not heard about, and today, while GF was next door at the nieghbors, Mr. Homeless packed his bags and left!
And who was the first one she talked to about it, it was me!
Then she asked me to come over for dinner and she told me all about it.
I was wrong, thinking the worst, but...no body has ever done that before to me, and I guess I'm getting gunshy, once bitten( ok maybe 100's of times) twice shy?
New one on me, I didn't handle it very well.
Thanks
-BC