Fiancee has ended engagement

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear BC-
Whelp... can’t say I’m surprised that he stealthily packed his bag and left while she was out of the house.  He clearly did not want to face the wrath of “after all I’ve done for YOU, you have the NERVE to leave!”  Oh heck no, and what does it tell us if the streets seem kinder to this young man?  Something to ponder, right?

And from her standpoint, I’m betting he never slammed a door... maybe he “tapped” a razor (ha ha); she just needed him gone.  Too much of a person in her space.  Any person.  In her space, in her head.  But she had made promises to him when she invited him there and shame would not allow her to ask him to leave.  You wouldn’t normally ask your needy little brother or son to leave.

BC - you were placed in a very odd position here.  I don’t think it’s fair to judge yourself as handling this well or poorly.  Had I NOT had the experience I did with counseling homeless clients over an 8-year period, I would have been deathly afraid.  And angry at the seemingly reckless nature of what she did.   People normally do full background checks on potential roommates, and even the handyman these days!  They generally don’t bring acknowledged addicts into their homes.

From your standpoint, perhaps gauge whether she’ll discuss why she really did this, and if she’s going to do it again.  See if she can hear your fears around it regarding her safety.  You’ve got to try and remove your jealousy from the conversation if you want to get a response.  It seems that you were included in lots of plans with them, and if her interest in him had been romantic, she would have kept you away.  Your thoughts?

Let’s keep talking about where you are.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

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[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
I been thinking about what you said, and yeah, even as messed up as Mr Homeless was, he knew when to leave!
Something to think about, yes, looks like he is smarter than me!
Yes, I guess I agree with you , Gemsforeyes, that if she was romanticly inclined GF would not have planned for us to do things together.
I did lock that ugly green monster of jealousy in the closet, and we did talk about how GF could not live with someone fulltime, bc she had to close her bedroom door at night and sleep with her dog, and GF said she had to be careful how she dressed. But then it went to how she planned to adopt him?
Then she complained about buying extra food to feed him, and now he is gone.
GF would only say how God brought them together so she could help him.
In a private conversation, Mr. Homeless told me she said to him" God meant us to be together" which meant to him that she was making sexual advances at him, but assured me he would leave before anything could happen.
GF did acknowledge my fears, but said she knew I cared about her, and that I had to trust her judgement.
GF remains in the don't touch me mode, and if I do try to reach out to her, she recoils like a spider is about to bite her!
GF also talked about how all her friends, and family want nothing to do with her, and revealed that a female friend of hers was planning to have coffee with her, but when she txtd to confirm the time, the friend wanted to make it earlier and GF reluctantly agreed. The friend then called her and asked " whats wrong?", which GF hates, an agruement ensued and GF canceled the date.
Later in the night, I told GF I had been invited to nephews sons 1st birthday party, and had figured she would not like to go, as my older sister and brother were going to be there, and GF doesn't like or get along with either of them.
I then backed up and apologized for making that decision, as I should have asked her, and then did so. GF responded that she did not want to go for that reason and that it stresses her out
to be with my family.
Everything seemed great, we bid each other a good night and then at around 2 am, she sent a bunch of txt mssgs, throwing rocks at me and my family for excluding her!
I did not talk to her until morning, when she asked whose name was on the invite, and it was only mine, she blew up again throwing boulders and said good bye and stay away.
So, I guess she has kicked me out of her head again due to her emotional stress about her relationships. Whats your take?
One last note, she talked about needing to get an appliance repaired and the cost, how she lost her glasses( again), can't find the TV remote, and dropped a large sum of cash from her pocket at the grocery store, that she never recovered while shopping for her and Mr. Homeless who left anyway. I was empathic to her issues but did not offer to rescue her and pay for the items.( did find the remote though!)
Thanks for the support as to my reaction about GF bringing Mr. Homeless to her home. It did feel kind of good to express my displeasure with her actions.
Thanks and best wishes
-BC

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC-

First, good job on not rescuing when GF told you about the cost of appliance repair, the fact she lost her glasses again (you’ve bought these twice, right?); and the cash she reportedly dropped at the grocery store.  When we repeatedly “rescue” and pick up all the pieces, our pwBPD do not learn to look after themselves.  And they need to learn some responsibility.  I have done my share of financial “rescue” for BPDbf and he makes way more money than I do.  I cannot and will not ever do that again. 

When he misplaces things in my home, I tell him that although a uterus IS a tracking device, since I no longer have mine, I cannot help him!  (But I do make a mental note of where he puts his keys, phone and glasses - it saves time and preserves happiness.)

So BC, during the last “relationship” conversation you and GF had you both decided to be friends, good friends, is that correct?  In your / GF’s opinion, do friends hug when they meet or say goodnight?  What is the story around her recoiling at the thought of touch?  It’s one thing to no longer have sex, and quite another to share no intimacy or physical closeness whatsoever.  How do you feel about this aspect of your relationship?  Has this “don’t touch me mode” been in place previously, and if so, how was physical closeness restored?

To me, holding hands is intimacy, just so you know.  My uBPDbf and I still enjoy all levels of intimacy (hope that’s not too much detail); however if he were unable to perform sexually, I would initially be sad, but okay as long as we still shared closeness.

I’m sorry about the upset regarding your precious little nephew’s birthday party.  There’s a hard lesson in this experience.  NEVER assume anything with a pwBPD.  The only thing for sure is that nothing is for sure, especially when it comes to their feelings about relationships- you are absolutely correct there.  Spot on.  And GF was already feeling prickly about what transpired with her friend over the cancelled coffee date.  So perhaps next time there’s any family (or friend) gathering, if the invite is only addressed to you, check in with the hosts first to see if GF is welcome.  If GF is on the outs with family members who will be there, perhaps speak with those family members and take their temperature?  Then... if it’s a go, invite GF.  If it’s NOT a go, determine whether you need to disclose the event.  As far as the upcoming baby party, you can check into it and if it’s a GO, you can apologize to GF for the misunderstanding and tell her that she actually IS invited and you’d love for her to come with you.  If in fact you would.  One the other hand, if there’s any chance she’ll act up, go solo and enjoy the baby.  As we all sadly understand, sometimes there’s just more joy in KNOWING the day will be easy...

Your thoughts BC?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Thanks for the support on not rescuing GF, I will not do that again, as I have poured a lot of funds into her bottomless pit of need.
I too, will try to take note of where GF puts things, much for the same reason.

Yes, we had agreed to be good friends, and had some level of closeness, and had kissed and hugged. The " don't touch me mode" has been in place before, but not for this long of a time, and she usually reaches out, holding hands or just suddenly sits close.
I'm hurt, confused as to why she does this, feeling alone and rejected.
And yeah, the information you shared about intimacy was helpful. GF knows that one of the reasons I left EX was that she completely shut off all intimacy, although after major female surgery and cardiac issues, I can understand some, but took to no contact, and even sleeping in seperate quarters.

When I left for the night, as I said we talked about the bday party, apologized for my error, and all was good.
I did contact my host, and asked if GF could come, and talked to others family, who said they were inviting only family, but host said she was welcome.
I sent her a mssg in the morning, apologizing again for the misunderstanding, and asking her to come," I would love to have you come", and informing her that my other brother and his wife would be coming( she likes them!), and they too were looking forward to her coming.
What I got back was a mssg that it wasn't a misunderstanding, but that I didn't want her to come, and my family was excluding her because she is crazy.
I sent the mssg, along with a pic of an African Violet that she liked, that was blooming, but did wait until I was ready to leave for my sisters and brother in laws, simply bc I did not want to be delayed by her many txts and I expected she would again be bashing and cutting me and family down.
She did not respond for about 30 minutes, by which time I was on the road, and I did not look at what she sent, until I was off the highway, but by then she had announced that, after about 20 mssgs, that she was blocking me from txt and email, and if I loved her I would call.
I determined that was a control issue, and did not have the time to talk for hours as that is how it has gone in the past.
I know she probably feels abondoned and that no one likes her, but thats not the case, but I can't keep devoting the time I have set aside to be other people, to dealing with her issues, which she uses to gain my attention and for control, I think.
I have made it clear that I will not engage in pointless agruements and her bashing and verbal abuse.
I did tell her I was going to my sister, who lives about 60 miles away, and that I did not know when I would return.
I am upset that she would block my mssgs, and did not call her. She knows my number, if she wants to talk.
Am I going about this wrong? I want to discourage the barrage of abusive and slanderous mssgs, and the way she controls me, by blocking my favorite ways to communicate. I'm sure that angers her, but I need some control and sanity as well.
I love her and care deeply, but need some behaviors to stop.( some of mine too!)
Don't know if this is the right way, to get what I need.
I am emotional, missing her, and don't want to end this relationship, but don't want the the slashing and pain she thrusts my way.
Thanks
-BC

[Scarlet Phoenix]

This thread has reached is maximum length and is now locked, but the discussion continues here:
Fiancee has ended engagement – Part 2