In law troubles

[Sunshine143]

I was recently introduced to two books by my counselor. I'm a social worker, and see a counselor to deal with compassion fatigue and triggering clients.  She recommended two books - "Stop walking on Eggshells" and "I hate you, don't leave me".  As soon as she said the titles, I said "That's my daughter-in-law!"  I immediately ordered both that afternoon.  My son recently married in 2018, and is already nearly read to divorce. As a family we've been through a lot with this daughter-in-law.  As recently as tonight.  My son, who hasn't been here for a couple weeks, came over to get something.  Wife is immediately texting and calling him within 5 minutes of being here.  "I miss you.  Are you coming home soon?" Etc.  This is what happens whenever he comes over.  Tonight added drama.  She was watching a movie when he left.  He finally txt her that he's going to hang out for a bit here.  She calls immediately sobbing, begging him to come home, and that she has something important to tell him. He asks for her to tell him over the phone.  She won't and tells him he must come home. He says no, it can wait if you can't tell me some of it now.  He stays.  She, within 10 minutes, travels to my daughter's house, convincing her to call me and say the wife really needs to talk to my son. I explain that isn't happening (we - as in hubby & I - are used to this behavior so I don't enable it but my daughter still doesn't understand and gets manipulated).  I talk to son-in-law and explain situation.  We've been discussing some of these pervasive issues.  He understood and handled the wife. Despite us being a family that practices boundaries, and I teach on boundaries, these constantly reoccurring situations are taxing.  My son is in counseling with her because he insisted because of already feeling like this is heading for divorce, after only 8 months of marriage.  So she goes but there's literally no change and she won't work on issues that the counselors ask her to work on.  I'm sharing with him these websites - this an the Oz site.  Just don't know if he or us can manage this in our lives.  It is really difficult.

[Turkish]

It's good that he can still interact with you, his family, without she demanding that he cut ties.  We've seen it here more often than not. 

Is she abusive towards him or suicidal?

I had to deal with object constancy issues with my ex, constant texts, anxiety. Years later, I learned that she was diagnosed with Anxiety, as well as the depression I already knew about when we were together.

How do you see it going? How aware is he of possible pathologies?

[Sunshine143]

She did try limiting his time with us a ton at the beginning.  He eventually put his foot down.  She throws fits pretty regularly whenever he does come over so he doesn't do it often because of that.  She is high functioning BPD so no suicidal issues.  I don't think he'd tolerate that at all.  She called the cops on him once, complaining of abuse.  When police heard the whole situation, they actually put her as the aggressor since she was clinging on him, refusing to let him leave the house, etc.  He said if she ever did that again, he was definitely through. She is physical towards him but she is small in size so doesn't threaten him and he walks out if she does that.

She has anxiety as well.  I'm not sure if this is part of BPD, but she always becomes sick and wants to go to ER/Urgent care whenever there is conflict, or she doesn't get her way on certain things, or if she does have an injury, it's pretty much overblown to needing/wanting to go to ER/Urgent care.  Ironically her mom is the same way so is it learned behavior, inherited genetically, or both?

I'm not sure if that answered your questions.  Let me know.

[Turkish]

I'm glad that the cops rightly saw what was going on.  A lot of jurisdictions have mandatory arrest orders with DV calls (one or both). Even holding an aggressor can result in an arrest. We've seen it here.

You might not want to link this to him at this point, but your son having a safety plan would be good.  

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

He could also benefit from the validation tools here,  like SET.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

There's a link to the discussion at the end.  

Whether staying or leaving (going through a divorce), the validation tools can help.  

[Sunshine143]

Thanks! Great resources. Appreciated.

[Turkish]

Let us know how we can help. My ex is "BPD-lite" but my mother has BPD (and anxiety and depression). So I've experienced it from both sides. The good thing is that you and your son are still communicating. The tragic stories here are parents emotionally cut off. 

Looking back, I hid a lot of things to preserve my relationship.  After it ended, I was surprised how much my friends and even my mother ("of course she's BPD!" She told me later) bit their tongues about what they wanted to say, though none of what they told me later surprised me. 

Validate your son,  too. The tools work with anybody.

[Harri]

Hi Sunshine and welcome!

I don't have anything more to add.  Turkish said everything I would have said  

I still wanted to say hello and welcome and assure you that you are not alone.

I hope you settle in, read and jump into other posts as we all support and help each other here.