Part 2: Son having to move out of his place

[Lollypop]

This is a continuation of a previous thread. Part 1 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336602.0

Hi

Jones - wow you have grown so very much! I’m proud that you’ve reached this level of understanding. Everything you’ve said is full of truth.

So the latest is:

Son18 is happy older brother will not be returning home!  We chatted about our lovely rhythm we’ve got going.

Son28 has restored his balance. Hes normal and now excited about the prospect of change. He’s enquired about a few rooms, the lovely flat and a log cabin (I sent him this link, I couldn’t help myself as it’s just what he’d want - backs onto woods etc). He’s paid for a monthly subscription to search a particular website. We had a warm and convivial chat this evening. Appallingly, landlady asked if he could leave this weekend! I told him he’d have to live on the boat and he said “I love you guys and everything but I dont want to live with you. It’s important for me to not feel I’m going backwards”.

My and H had a good talk. We’ve reconnected and on the same song sheet.

Today I cried in front of a tutor. Ignoring self-care I’ve overstretched myself and ended up breaking up over the silliest of things. I swore at him too! Oh dear. I’ve emailed to apologise.

I’m eager to start my new life. A holiday on 28th June chug chugging along the canal. The slow pace will bring me right down to snail pace. Bliss.

Let’s see how things go o er the next few days.

Thanks for the support. I hope my journey helps others.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Lollypop, this is just lovely! 
Jones54- thank you for your summation on detachment.  Very helpful to me as well.

[Huat]

Hi Lollypop

I told him he’d have to live on the boat and he said “I love you guys and everything but I dont want to live with you. It’s important for me to not feel I’m going backwards”.

Tell me...did you hear angels singing and harps playing when you heard these words coming out of him?

As I wrote to you...it has been a nail-biter reading through this thread.

Also...your...

"Today I cried in front of a tutor. Ignoring self-care I’ve overstretched myself and ended up breaking up over the silliest of things. I swore at him too! Oh dear. I’ve emailed to apologize."

Even though we are Super-Moms/Dads, we are still human.  We will always have good days and bad days but we can get better and better in picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off...signs of being good role-models to these challenging children in our lives.

Happy chug-chugging along the canal to both you and your Hubby.  Looking forward to a refreshed-you when you hit the airwaves again.

Huat

[Only Human]

Oh, LP - bless you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are getting through this the best way you know how and reaching out for support from all of us. This thread, replies from family, has brought tears to my eyes - a reminder that we need each other here. I love Faith's visual, we are definitely standing by you, cheering you on - gentle reminders to SIT ON YOUR HANDS. Is it easy? Nope. Do we always do it right every time? No way. Is it okay that we blow it sometimes? Absolutely. We are only human, after all.

Huat's visual (audial? ) is also lovely - angels singing and harps playing. Your S28 has given you his truth and, coincidentally, it's your truth as well - living apart is the best for all.

Hang in there, LP - and all of us. It takes a village

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Wow LP, hugs to you, what a week you've had and I'm guessing you are also right in the middle of your uni finals? DS18..  

Under all the wobbles your DS28 gets it, he does not want to go backwards! I relate this is my DD's fear too. You are doing a great job working with each member of your family, amazing to see they are all on the journey with you and yes it is   stressful, next time hopefully less so. Whatever the outcome you can see your DS is doing his best trying to work it all out, 'his way' and as he says he loves you guys for being there for him, he feels your kindness and he feels gratitude is MEGA in our journey.  

You are bang on support comes when they ask for it and all the hard work we do here overtime can bring us to this point.

OMG, I've so much to go through for my DD to be living independently. Step one of my plan is successful and this week has seen change I've been waiting for to be able to move to step 2 of my plan (step 1 has taken 4 years  ) Thanks for sharing your lessons LP, helps me feel more prepared

Release and patience, patience... they can get there LP.

Hope.

WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

and he said “I love you guys and everything but I dont want to live with you. It’s important for me to not feel I’m going backwards”.

LP

   

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

OMG, I've so much to go through for my DD to be living independently

It’ll be ok WD. Your daughter will go at her own speed and you’ll walk beside her. I’m finding the reality of it a bit of a rollercoaster but nothing like it was years ago. The core relationship gives us something to hold onto.

Son28 called in a panic last night. An estate agent wanted him to view a flat straight after work. Son wanted me to go with him and he couldn’t contact me (I was sleeping at 5.30 pm - totally unheard of because I’ve not been sleeping well and exhausted). What turned out to be the real problem was that he doesn’t want to live in our small town. He wants to move 4 miles away to a bigger place. Ok I said, you’ve worked that one out, great.

He found a potential flat mate yesterday for a 2 bed place. This morning he calls me early with another small practical problem. How could he explain he couldn’t do a viewing Saturday morning?  He didn’t want to tell her he was getting his phone fixed at the Apple store; concerned about ... who knows.

Anyway, it seems he’s going down two avenues. A 2 bed place with a potential flat mate (an old friend) - yes, potential problems there. And “the perfect place” he found this morning - 1 bed and in a perfect location (apparently).

He’s currently rolling with it. We are feeling cautiously optimistic.

LP 

[FaithHopeLove]

This is great news. Sitting on your hands really is paying off.

[Lollypop]

He’s found a place. Paperwork and money to be sorted out Wednesday. Son could have pushed for that today but felt he needed some space for his head. From finding the place Friday night, getting the ok Sunday morning it was a lot for him to take in,

He’s cleared out his stuff,  packed and taken down the bed. In work this week. He’s worried about working and moving in the same day and I get that. He may get the keys Wednesday but most probably it’ll be Saturday.

A small bit of me wonders at his resilience, whether he will fall apart. He seems sensible and says he gets through by dealing with it one step at a time.

Is the flat nice? It’ll do. Ideal location, private door, nice entrance and small seating area for a fag. Private kitchen and bathroom with s main room with a large bay window. The rent seems high but the landlord/lady can charge it because there’s a queue of people who want a “casual” application, would fail the credit check with a more professional outfit. It feels more student-like accommodation and they are happy he’s working full time etc. We are guarantors so it’s a big leap of faith, all they want is paying and the potential for a longer term rent. He’s lucky to get it,

Our fears he’d get to the last day and panic weren’t true. He’s coped so far. Reality is he only has just enough to pay a month in advance. So we’ll have to help with a fridge, washing machine and curtains plus food as a minimum. I’m not sure if this is gifted - husband says not. Not innprinciple but just the fact we can’t afford to be shelling out all the time. H is worried about money because I’m not yet working and he feels the pressure. He’s worried about being a guarantor but what can we do,

Let’s see how the next week pans out,

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

My husband is a cosigner on my son's lease also. We debated about it. My T said it is a little enabling but we just weren't ready to see him homeless. So I get the ambivalence.

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

A small bit of me wonders at his resilience, whether he will fall apart. He seems sensible and says he gets through by dealing with it one step at a time.

That's quite an amazing feat to get somewhere within a week, I'm really pleased for him. He didn't have time to bury his head. I hope the move in isn't too stressful, while working as well is a lot to manage. Is it the one four miles away? You've previously shared you'd like some breathing space. He'll have learnt much for next time round, like what's required to release you from being guarantor...

Is there a decent shower? 

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

A small bit of me wonders at his resilience, whether he will fall apart.

I sometimes feel that way about myself 

I have to imagine that the tiny little changes toward his own independence (with you setting limits along the way), doing things on his own, have led him to feel he can handle this.

You have taken steps back and even when he wobbles, he sees he can handle things, more than he maybe once thought.

Go team 

[Lollypop]

Hi there

He’s now installed. H was sad but it was great to see them working together lugging the few bits of furniture he has.

I cleaned with help from my MIL who is visiting. The cooker and bathroom. I didn’t get to the inside cupboards - they’re grim. Bought some cheap nets to be going on with.

Son seems happy, called me today to ask “did you move my box of drugs?” .  No, I didn’t know you had one.  “I couldn’t find it and I thought you think “I’m taking these away”.”  No, you’re an adult, you make your own choices.  “Oh, ok. It’s not like I needdd them and I couldn’t find the box and thought you’d taken it”.  No.

We both feel a mixture of emotions. Sad to see him in a glum place, it’s a largish sitting room with high ceiling, separate bathroom and kitchen that are old and need to be replaced. We hoped for better for him.

Sadness seeing his stuff thick with dirt, grime and smelling terrible. The expensive bed with missing parts, repaired and stained mattress. I’ve no idea how he could break a solid pine side panel. Proud that he managed to get himself together this week. Out one place and in another in 24 hours without dysregulating.

It’s 4 miles away. So, the distance is good.

There’s curtains, fridge to get. A tall cupboard that needs painting and clearing out (old tins of paint, ragged curtains that don’t fit). Our contribution to his new pad, including some basic foods. However, I’d love to get him a rug to help cover the dark carpet. Oh, smoke and carbon monoxide alarm. Staying conscious of not doing too much but just enough to make him feel supported.

He’s very grateful and has said so. All good so far? Yes, I’d say so.

LP

[Huat]

Hi Lollypop

For sure...the smoke/carbon monoxide alarm...as "housewarming gifts"...and even throw in installation!

So hard to want more for (and from) our "kids" yet know we have to hold back and let them experience life on their own.

As I have previously written, besides my BPD'er, I have a son...now 56 years old.  He is the one who almost lost his life to opiods a few short years ago (used as pain killers not recreational...and that fact has comforted me).

Although when very young he was just labelled as a slow learner, I am sure in today's world he would be diagnosed with one or more psychological/mental illness labels but... he is living on his own...he has a part-time job.  Although clean, he is slovenly and puts little or no effort into his health.  After years of putting up with rotting/breaking teeth, he finally succumbed and went in to have all pulled and now (thankfully!) he is wearing dentures.

Whatever!  Whatever!  Whatever!  I so understand what you are feeling in regards to your son.  We are Moms (Super Moms!) and that maternal instinct we fight to keep picking them up and brushing them off is deep bred. 

A while back on this forum I shared the words on a card he gave me (a card I will keep forever)...and I will share them again...

"A good Mom teaches her son right from wrong.  A great Mom forgives him for screwing up anyway.  Lucky for me, you're one of the greats.  Happy Mother's Day, Mom, and thanks for everything."  He signed it..."Love Always."   : )  Betcha, had your son found a similar card, he would have sent it to you, too.

So, Lollypop, onward and upward.  All is as well as it can be...for now.  Keep posting!

((HUGS)...from Huat  ; )

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

Now that is some team effort, MIL hands to the marigolds too  

Proud that he managed to get himself together this week. Out one place and in another in 24 hours without dysregulating.

Aw LP proud Mum indeed   it's an amazing achievement in a very stressful situation of having only days to find a new home, he's worked hard, as you have LP I'm proud of you, you have a wonderful understanding how to support your son, when to stand back and let him be, you get him and he knows you do, he's grateful.

I can imagine the mix of emotions, hopes for better for DS and the reality of what is, is where he is right now and he's doing just fine. The place has seen better days. It is a stride for independence to living on his own, his own home, four miles away. You'll be able to quietly exit LP and watch. You've given me lots of food for thought here LP, thank you.

It's good to hear he's happy today, despite misplacing his drugs box. That made me smile, have you got my drug box Mum, um as if.  

Whatever, whatever Huat 

Feet up LP it is Friday night  

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi there

Huat: I’m sure your son feels a lot better with some teeth. Although I’ve heard it can be really troublesome getting used to them. I hope he enjoys his new smile. Thanks for sharing your card. I seem to remember you mentioning this before and I’m so glad you gifted us with the reminder - this wisdom and loving gesture is something to keep close to your heart. We may not get what we want in life, but these small moments can last a lifetime.

WD: I’ve reflected on the drug box incident! The “old” me would have been looking for evidence and tutted to myself. I never even thought of it when I was moving his boxes around, alone in his room too. It never crossed my mind. How’s that for progress!  I can predict what’s in that box though: a contradictory mixture of researched through wonder supplements, cbd oil, pro plus - maybe nurofen or Prozac but you know, I doubt the last two.

I’m glad you’re getting something from my posting. I think our sadness is because we know he’ll be there indefinitely. Our son cannot do very much on his own volition. I hope he is learning in this experience that he is capable. When we talked about the bills and we emphasised what our responsibility of is being guarantor we asked him how he’d manage his outgoings. His reply was “I’ll have to, I have no choice”.

That’s his life in a nutshell. He doesn’t make a move about anything until he has no other choice.

I can’t tell you how impactful that knowledge is.

I used to be so frustrated at his inaction, I’d attempt a shift in his position and he’d resist.

Today, I’m turning up with a few food staples. A chair. Two fair trade rugs from Oxfam to brighten it up. An electric clothes dryer (for his work trousers). A smoke alarm and H will check the electrics because the sockets are loose.

I’ll help him register for utilities and council tax.

Then we’ll give him a cheerful goodbye.

I tried to do this last night but a visit wasn’t convenient! Let’s try again today.

That just leaves curtains. I’ve no idea what kitchen stuff he has or doesn’t have, I leave that to him to work out. He cooked a meal so I guess he has a knife and fork but who knows!

Whatever!

LP

[Lollypop]

Update:

The reticence for a quick drop off visit last night became clear. “I’ve not done anything here yet”.  He thought he’d be judged by the state of his place.

Validation. Validation.

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

It never crossed my mind. How’s that for progress!

Pain free I say  ….

How did it go LP?

I think our sadness is because we know he’ll be there indefinitely. Our son cannot do very much on his own volition

I understand. Do you think he's happy with his lot, his choice?

Can I ask how come you are guarantor?  DS has a job, was he missing a down payment?

Does DS have friends in the new town?

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Do you think he's happy with his lot, his choice?

Yes, he’s happy and coping so far. Stimulated by new people in the house and imagining naughty lives. Please don’t ask!

We have agreed that I will see him Saturday and we will register him for utilities and council tax etc. He resisted, I gave him slack and agreed a deadline. I’ll try and help him problem solve and managing the bills. He has the income, he’s not used to this level of responsibility so it's a big deal. I’m slightly irritated with myself for not forcing the issue. I’d have done it straight away but that’s me, not him. I reason the companies will accept 2 weeks delay and I’m uncomfortable leaving it any longer. He needs to be nudged.

Can I ask how come you are guarantor?  

There were 9 people who wanted the flat, Son was the preferred because of his job skills and he told them he wanted a year let. They’d had a long term let previously who had left to buy a house. The one previous to that left with a bad debt and a hacked off front door. Ironically, Son says he’s been in this flat before some years ago so I’m guessing the tenant was a dealer. They wanted a guarantor, if we hadn’t agreed they would have either done a credit check and which son would fail or give it to another person who could provide a guarantor. Yes, we saved and enabled.

As it stands he’s borrowed the first month in advance from us. We’re the guarantors. Not ideal. On the positive side, Son will finally get his name on bills and his credit rating will improve. This situation is a test of his financial management skills and I’m going to need to keep an eye on it for the next 6 months I reckon. I can anticipate some problems BUT he knows the rent has to be paid. Saturday can’t come soon enough for me.

I’m going to need a power toolkit belt of skills for the foreseeable future as he entered the real world, finally with support. Better boundaries and limits from us if or when we hit a problem.

Does DS have friends in the new town?

His boss. Son is back on tinder ... sigh.  

I’m on an inhale of breath...I enter into a new world and a new phase. One step out of my feeling of “inbetweenness”.

Mugs? We don’t believe so. We think he may be ready for this. Time will tell.

LP

[stampingt1]

Hi LP,

Glad that your DS is getting settled in. Hopefully things will continue to go smoothly. Please keep us updated on the bill situation, so others can learn from your experiences. My DS18 took a Personal Finance class in high school, so he has a rough idea of bills, etc. I chuckled to myself about the "missing box of meds". My son is constantly asking me where something of his is. 

Stampingt1

[Elizabeth22]

Lollypop, sounds like it went well.
Some celebration is in order   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Thanks LP!  I think it's good to remind ourselves even non BPD need a leg up when they are starting off and THIS is your son starting off for real, this is it, this is the moment.  

Here is to no mugs  

Gee, we are both on the verge of new change. They'll be a lot to talk about everyone!

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi

I text this morning to say I was in the area, could I pop round to help set up his bills. Yes please, I could do with the help.

Place was tidy, bed made and dishes washed. Two bills set up (which was a nightmare because of long call waiting times - his internet isn’t great for online setup). Son was happy, engaged in the process.

All good. I came away feeling a bit stunned that it’s been this easy so far.

In the middle of a call his boss turns up to fit an old washer - a gift. Son would normally flip with two uninvited visits and a phone call that interrupted us all. He took it all in his stride.

LP

[livednlearned]

He must be learning that independence does not necessarily mean abandonment 

I imagine you have helped guide him to this realization, LP. 

One tiny little step at a time.

[stampingt1]

LP,
 
Glad that things are going well!

Stampingt1

[Lollypop]

Hi LnL and stomping

I’m taking some caution -he’s regulated and enjoying the first flush of independence. It won’t always be like this - pinch myself.

Strangely, a thought entered my head today - is he cured. Cured like he has the flu or something. He’s just the way he is - good periods and bad - he’ll always struggle in relationships.

I think my surprise is I couldn’t have predicted this current positive wave that is brought with stability of income and pride in his job. I hope this helps others to see that sometimes our fears can get the better of us.

LP