Are time and self-reflection healing my wounds?

[HarborBP]

My uBPDgf and I broke up for good last November. It has now been almost 7 months since our last conversation. During this interval we've had five chance encounters on trails while walking in the local nature preserve, a long time favorite of both of ours during the three+ years we dated. On each encounter I was greeted with 1) a scowl, 2) an angry "Why don't you find your own place to walk" (she introduced me to the preserve and first expressed her affection for me at that locale in June 2015) then 3) a terse "f--- you" with hand gesture thrown in for good measure. On every occasion I made the conscious choice to neither respond nor display negative affect in any way.

The first encounter happened on New Year's Eve, with the most recent on Saturday. I am pleased to say that encounters in the last two months have had a completely neutral affect on my sense of calm, whereas the first few times I came away depressed and anxious.

Since our break-up I have worked hard on healing, both through therapy and reading. While I still miss my gf, which tells me I continue to downplay her prodigious dark side while elevating her much less abundant warm qualities, I do believe that time coupled with hard work at self-reflection, have kept me on the healing path.

I want to share this progress with all of you because if it can work for me it certainly can work for those of you still reeling from the anguish of a loss with a borderline loved one.

HarborBP   

[Harri]

While I still miss my gf, which tells me I continue to downplay her prodigious dark side while elevating her much less abundant warm qualities, I do believe that time coupled with hard work at self-reflection, have kept me on the healing path.

It certainly sounds like you are healing and getting some emotional distance.     

What do you think helped you the most?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you for sharing, HarborBP.
I join Harri in asking if you mind  sharing some more details.

[Lucky Jim]

3) a terse "f--- you" with hand gesture thrown in for good measure. On every occasion I made the conscious choice to neither respond nor display negative affect in any way.

Hey HarborBP,  Good for you for declining to engage!  In my view, that's the most effective strategy: staying above the fray.  It's awkward and uncomfortable to cross paths, I know, but I think you're handling it well.

LuckyJim

[HarborBP]

Thank you Harri, Scarlet Phoenix and Lucky Jim,

Harri and Scarlet Phoenix asked for some detail into my healing path. Generally I can sum it up as follows. Over the last year I have immersed (some loved ones may say obsessed) myself in an intense investigation of the behavioral and biological underpinnings of BPD; coupled with intense self-reflection on the root elements that sucked me into the BPD vortex and kept me there despite overwhelming verbal and emotional battering.

As I wrote in my entries on this site last fall I became an empty nester when my youngest left for college last September. As a divorced Dad, once my BPDgf left in early November, I was alone for the first time in decades. Although this instant aloneness brought its own depressing features the new-found abundance of free time afforded me a rare opportunity to plunge into personal exploration and growth.

Many things helped me get to where I am at this moment: on-going therapy; reading everything I could get my hands on; journaling; reacquainting with family and friends neglected out of necessity while in the relationship; forcing myself to join socially-oriented Meetup groups; adopting a rescue dog I named Lucy.

First and foremost I have devoured many books, including:
Borderline Personality Disorder by John Gunderson
Love and Loathing by Randi Kreger and Kim Willaims-Justesen
The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg
How to be Alone by Lane Moore
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Stop Caretaking the Borderline... by Margalis Fjelstad
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern
The Search for the Real Self by James Masterson
Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley
Feeling Good by David Burns
Toxic Love by Jill Weber
 bpdfamily Boards
Countless internet articles, both scholarly studies and personal testimonials.
Rereading my journal entries from the period July 2017 through December 2018.

I would recommend any or all of the books listed above. For me, understanding borderline behavior, and my entanglement in it, required re-reading some of these books several times over. I am such a logical thinker that coming to grips with, and accepting quirky borderline behavior and my reaction and tolerance of it, meant constant revisits of specific chapters. As I've written previously, Margalis Fjelstad's book became a desk reference, as did Love and Loathing.   

Eckhart Tolle's books helped so much when I was in the throes of anxiety and depression. Focusing on Now allowed me to get to sleep on those lonely nights I could barely stand being alive.

The book Attached was a revelation because I had no clue about human attachment styles. My gf was, from the start, intensely avoidant (I likened her to the hermit borderline in a previous entry). I think her constant withdrawing was more agonizing than the verbal assaults and wicked sarcasm I endured when together. Attached not only helped me understand her but also my own attachment style.

Rereading my journal, sometimes over and over, made me sick most times. I can't tell you how often I threw that diary on the end table after rereading entries with the exclamation "what was I thinking?".

Scholarly books such as those by Masterson and Gunderson gave me the intellectual perspective I needed to fully understand how borderlines feel and the basis for their seemingly crazy reactions. They also gave me a deep understanding, from a psychoanalytical standpoint, of how futile the attempt to help the borderline is when there is no resolve on their part to seek help, or personal acceptance of their part in the relationship dysfunction.

The book Feeling Good explores the depth of human depression and provides tools to help us recognize its triggers and how to react to mitigate its severity.

Toxic Love and Love and Loathing included lots of "You know you're in a bad place when you feel the following..." The checklists in those books affirmed how wrong my relationship was and how terribly unhealthy it was for me long term.

Armed with all of this I have been able to understand myself more fully and to realize how damaging the relationship to one's physical and mental health can be when the borderline partner refuses help. AJ Mahari has said it many times, that basically you are deluding yourself if you think you can help someone who will not help themselves.

Ross Rosenberg in The Human Magnet Syndrome elegantly theorizes how codependent's (Margalis Fjelstad coins us caretakers, a term I think better describes nons) develop in childhood. Page 72 of his paperback, in the section The Narcisist's Pleasing Child (remember, some researches place BPD near the center of a narcissism spectrum), describes how we nons learn to be a pleasing presence to one or both dysfunctional parent/s. By learning to defer our own interests and desires we earn the love of the parent. In adulthood we relive the same dynamic with our borderline partner. This made sense in understanding why I was so tolerant of the abuse my gf dished out.

By fully embracing these truths, and the unassailable realities of BPD, I was able to come to grips with the futility and self-destruction that my attraction to, and obsession with, my BPDgf brought me.

I really had to work at visualizing the entire person. Slowly, over time, I came to see the relationship as a voyage to nowhere and my BPDgf as someone who tragically was not going to do anything to heal herself. I allowed myself to be angry and resentful toward her because I'd learned, with work, that BPD is "curable". I consciously reinforced this negative thinking about her. I needed to because my natural predilection was to entirely discount her predominantly awful behavior, while elevating the good.

I told myself that given its curability, my gf was only interested in a relationship that allowed her to be self-centered, controlling and manipulative: selfishly in it only for herself. This may sound cruel but it is what I required in order to break free of the physic bondage I trapped myself in. And I backed this emotional and opinionated mind set with facts, facts and more facts garnered from my reading.

Last but not least, my girl Lucy (the rescue dog) has provided more therapy than all of my reading and couselling combined. It you are alone and can afford it, a pet works wonders.

Many thanks for this site and those who maintain it. If you have never been in a relationship with a borderline it's easy to pooh pooh talk about the emotional havoc wrought upon nons. But for those of us who have been there, are still there struggling, who can't escape the memories, we know to our depths how devastating the experience is (or was). It takes titanic effort to heal from it. But as with any human tragedy it is the only option available to us.

HarborBP

   



 

[clvrnn]

What did you make of the book 'How to Break Your Addiction to a Person'? I have just started reading it, and find it very revealing and interesting.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

You have certainly done some intens work, both on yourself and on understanding the complexities of BPD. I'm like you, I need the more scholarly books as well. And the "Power of Now" is a jewel. Have you read "Childhood and society" by Erik H. Erikson? It's a bit old, but I found it interesting. And I like "Why do I do that" by Joseph Burgo, where you can choose to do exercises along with the book (they're in the book).

I think it's so great that you've had the time and the energy to do this. Such a gift to yourself to do this!

What stood out to me is that you balanced this with reaching out to people and being more social. That's where I struggle, I go all hermit.

And this is the best part, in my opinion:

adopting a rescue dog I named Lucy

 
But then I'm a HUGE dog lover.
Caring for and loving someone who loves us back unconditionally is balm for the soul.

[MeandThee29]

The first sign that I was getting better was feeling like myself again. Then came being comfortable in my environment. Whatever was going to happen that day, I knew I could handle it.

I work in retail where the rank-and-file are treated horribly at times by management, and of course the customers are sometimes ugly too. And it really doesn't bother me anymore. At first I'd end up crying all the way home as I drove, but now I just let it go. There was an incident at work earlier in that week with the management that would have upset me months ago. But it was typical, and I just moved on after it. Then I had more problems yesterday where I wasn't supported and respected by management, and I just solved it myself and went on. I've learned that whatever happens at work doesn't define me now. A number of people have left lately, and everyone is on edge. So I do my work and leave it at the door. I handle what I can do and leave it at that. I avoid the complainers too.

Friends are very important too. I volunteer with a recovery ministry, and there are so many parallels. The Al-Anon materials were eye-opening to me. My friends there truly get it and aren't afraid of questioning my thinking. We need that kind of friend.

Yes, and my dog is a joy too. They are a gift to humanity.

[HarborBP]

What did you make of the book 'How to Break Your Addiction to a Person'? I have just started reading it, and find it very revealing and interesting.

Hi clvrnn, That book opened my eyes a great deal. First, it shed light on childhood events that contributed to my unhealthy attraction to my uBPDgf. Second, it introduced the notion of limerance and its influence on attachment hunger. And boy was I hungry in that relationship. In hindsight, my obsession was based on clinginess, and the need to control in order to avoid abandonment, that locked me in that dysfunctional alliance. I was ready to do anything to maintain the connection with a woman who, in the end, couldn't tolerate 1) being engulfed and 2) having less than complete control over the relationship.

I highly recommend once done with Halpern's book you check out Attached. One of the things I most appreciated about Attached is its opinion on codependency. Most references to Co-d. are negative because the term originally described behavior that supported a person suffering with alcohol or drug addiction. Only later was the term expanded to include caretakers like a lot of us nons.

According to the authors, those with secure attachment styles do assume responsibility for the happiness of their partner (i.e. willingly "co-dependent"). As a result, these types end up in loving, long-lasting relationships. The key difference with caretakers is they expect reciprocity from their partner. If they don't receive back what they give they simply lose interest, jettisoning unhealthy companions until encountering one who gives back as freely as they do. And therein lies the lesson- give love but expect love in return. If you don't see it, cut bait and move on- basita!

[HarborBP]

Have you read "Childhood and society" by Erik H. Erikson? It's a bit old, but I found it interesting. And I like "Why do I do that" by Joseph Burgo, where you can choose to do exercises along with the book (they're in the book).

Hi SP, thank you for responding to my post. I have not read either book but based on your recommendation I am adding them to my book purchase list.

I think it's so great that you've had the time and the energy to do this. Such a gift to yourself to do this!

Thank you, it took years for me to wake up to self exploration.

What stood out to me is that you balanced this with reaching out to people and being more social. That's where I struggle, I go all hermit.

Me too. Throwing myself out there was, and continues to be, a challenge. It brings out deep-seated emotional biases that seem to say "you're not good enough for this group" (or person). And now that I have Lucy it's even even harder to motivate myself to join in.

On the other hand, advice from my therapist and corroborating readings on several fronts, makes the argument that learning to be contentedly alone is a necessary first step in achieving a fulfilling life. As with most behavioral modification this takes work if it doesn't come naturally. But the old adage "we come into this life alone and will depart it alone" makes it imperative that we do learn how to be comfortably alone.

This is not to say we should avoid seeking partnership but I imagine myself having much healthier relationships if I am as comfortable being alone as being in the relationship. This dovetails with the secure attachment style described in the book 'Attached". 

And this is the best part, in my opinion:
 
But then I'm a HUGE dog lover.
Caring for and loving someone who loves us back unconditionally is balm for the soul.

So true, talk about love and devotion. A well treated dog defines it.

[HarborBP]

The first sign that I was getting better was feeling like myself again. Then came being comfortable in my environment. Whatever was going to happen that day, I knew I could handle it.

Hi MeandThee,

You strike me as someone who possesses plenty of self-confidence. Belief in oneself is critical when forced to move on from dysfunctional relationships or situations. I think lacking a sense of self worth keeps a lot of us mired in abusive relationships.

I work in retail where the rank-and-file are treated horribly at times by management, and of course the customers are sometimes ugly too. And it really doesn't bother me anymore. At first I'd end up crying all the way home as I drove, but now I just let it go. There was an incident at work earlier in that week with the management that would have upset me months ago. But it was typical, and I just moved on after it. Then I had more problems yesterday where I wasn't supported and respected by management, and I just solved it myself and went on. I've learned that whatever happens at work doesn't define me now. A number of people have left lately, and everyone is on edge. So I do my work and leave it at the door. I handle what I can do and leave it at that. I avoid the complainers too.

You have an ability to handle negative elements from bosses and colleagues. That is a great trait and hugely important when working in a team environment. I would also suggest you not martyr yourself. If your efforts and attitude continue to be ignored or discounted keep your eyes out for alternative employment opportunities. You will find  there are working environments, and bosses, where your abilities are cherished and rewarded.

 

Friends are very important too. I volunteer with a recovery ministry, and there are so many parallels. The Al-Anon materials were eye-opening to me. My friends there truly get it and aren't afraid of questioning my thinking. We need that kind of friend.

One of the most damaging features of the borderline relationship is isolation. Their need to control our lives in an effort to avoid abandonment often ends up derailing external relationships. Fortunately, for me, these relationships remained steadfast in the years I was "away". For the most part I have been able to rekindle them as I move away from my exuBPDgf. 

Yes, and my dog is a joy too. They are a gift to humanity.

So true!