Her Anxiety and Need To Control Still Trigger Me

[Turkish]

After a school event tonight,  she asked about my friends coming with their kids to visit this weekend.  The last time I let her in the house a few months ago, she nit-picked a whole lot of things.  Tonight: "did you clean the bathroom? Did you throw away the shower caddy?" It has some rust. The kids don't use it, only I do.  "You know,  I'll come clean your house for free if you want." I remember her Saturday morning cleaning rampages, after we both had spent the previous night cleaning. Never good enough! I did toss the caddy when I got home. 

I can't believe a kind of contemplated she moving back when she asked 2 years ago.  

She snapped at me in front of other parents when I showed up with a skirt and shirt for D's performance... 20 minutes early. At least she apologized for that after the event.  She had it in her mind that I was going to drop them off in the morning, despite her knowing I leave for work at 630AM on days I don't have the kids.  

A quote from Bowen and Kerr:   "Anxious reactions to the presence of a problem can be more of a problem than the problem itself."

This describes her to a T.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Turkish, how are you feeling today?

[Turkish]

I'm good.  A night alone always helps. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

That's good to hear!

[Lucky Jim]

Never good enough! I did toss the caddy when I got home. 

Hey Turkish, I hear you!  I used to say that my Ex's motto was "Never enough."  I would go through all sorts of gyrations and back somersaults to please her, which never worked for long.  Now that you live apart, I wonder why you tossed that shower caddy when you got home?  Worth thinking about.

LJ

[Turkish]

I'd been looking for a new one for a while. It made me feel a little better.  Tonight the kids get to put their toys back into bins in the living room corner.  I could have done it myself but they need to learn (again and again and again). Suffice to say, mommy isn't going to be invited over any time soon. 

Never good enough.  Even if I had loaned her the thousands of dollars she asked for, she'd still be like this.  One thing has nothing to do with the other, just like in the r/s. This isn't me asking for anything other than maybe a little grace. 

[zachira]

Turkish,
I have a lot of respect for you. You are dealing with an elderly mother with BPD and the mother of your children with BPD. This is of course emotionally overwhelming at times. You never know what crazy things the mother of your children is going to do next, and it upsets you because of how her behaviors affect you, most of all your children. As you know, I am dealing with my only immediate family members, my mother and siblings who all have BPD with narcissistic traits. What has helped me, which may or may not help you, is to observe my feelings for around an hour a day, either by sitting or walking. The feelings come and go, and most of the time this does not allow feelings to overwhelm me from either the past or what comes up in the future, as bad behaviors from my family members can show up at any time. I feel like I am being tested, as their behaviors seem to be much worse than ever, which I feel is a way to put me back down, since their former behaviors don't work to distress me as much as before. Do you feel that things are getting worse with the mother of your children and/or maybe you are with time less tolerant of how badly she behaves?

[Turkish]

I'm not sure how things are given she's trying to serve divorce papers to her husband who still wants her back. Stress and drama tend to spill over.