Telling an ex about a family member passing

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just spoke to my uBPDxw on the phone for the first time in a little over a month. We divorced last year.

Anyways, our conversations have often been heated but they are gradually becoming less so... which is nice. I want her to move on and be happy.

My grandmother passed away in September of last year... close to when our divorce was finalized and my uBPDxw and I were not really getting along very well at the time; every conversation was heated and I was frankly devastated that our marriage had failed. So, I never told her about my grandmother passing away because it just seemed too difficult... until today when she asked me how my gma was doing. I was expecting her to be angry with me, but she didn’t seem to be. She calmly asked why I didn’t tell her and I just told her that I was very close to my gma and took the death hard. We both cried... but she was nice, said she was sorry for my loss.

I feel really bad for not telling her sooner... I’m also sort of worried that she will think about it some more and I’ll get an angry phone call in the next day or two.

I’m wondering if it was wrong of me to not tell her and if anyone has had a similar experience.

[utnapishtim428]

I just spoke to my uBPDxw on the phone for the first time in a little over a month. We divorced last year.

Anyways, our conversations have often been heated but they are gradually becoming less so... which is nice. I want her to move on and be happy.

My grandmother passed away in September of last year... close to when our divorce was finalized and my uBPDxw and I were not really getting along very well at the time; every conversation was heated and I was frankly devastated that our marriage had failed. So, I never told her about my grandmother passing away because it just seemed too difficult... until today when she asked me how my gma was doing. I was expecting her to be angry with me, but she didn’t seem to be. She calmly asked why I didn’t tell her and I just told her that I was very close to my gma and took the death hard. We both cried... but she was nice, said she was sorry for my loss.

I feel really bad for not telling her sooner... I’m also sort of worried that she will think about it some more and I’ll get an angry phone call in the next day or two.

I’m wondering if it was wrong of me to not tell her and if anyone has had a similar experience.

[Mutt]

I think that you made the best decision under difficult circumstances. You said that you’re marriage was failing that’s very difficult, there are deeply hurt feelings, resentment, broken dreams, and not to mention you’re both stuck in this negative bubble and life is going on outside of it.

If it were me in your shoes at that time, it’s my family and if our marriage is over I don’t have obligations anymore. I don’t know if I’d focus on the fact that you told her after the fact. I think that it’s the news of someone that she liked, you both cherished that passed. If she gets angry, you know how pwBPD are they don’t handle stress or emotions very well and can’t self sooth - it could very well be how she feels about your gma and not necessarily about the fact that you didn’t tell her st the time.

You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings and you’re divorced, if that anger was directed at me I don’t have to take it anymore, I’m not there to sooth someone else’s  feelings and I’m not responsible for her, maybe it’s something for you to think about, why am I walking on eggshells with my ex?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, utnapishtim428.
No, I don't think it was wrong of you to not tell her at the time. You were under no obligation to do so, and things were heated between you then.

You say that you're "sort of worried" that you'll get an angry phone call about it. What can you do to take care of yourself and sooth the worry you have?