Hi all
This post is my goodbye to my previous life with my now EX-husband who has BPD. I'm writing this not only to bring closure for me, but hopefully to help some of you who are in a difficult and dark place right now...like I used to be. Read on for the clarity I have on it now.
I had been with my ex for a mini-lifetime, 17 years! Eight of them married. The first 10 we were young and there was more positive than negatives. Most likely because we didn't live together. After we got married and lived together, it went downhill. I stayed married too long, 6 years, before deciding to move out and separate. During the marriage, endless hours of fights -several days a week, taking over weekends. Suicide threats non-stop. Manipulation. Control. Emotional abuse. Uncontrolled OCD. Fighting in circles. Him gambling thousands of dollars away. Depression on both sides. Health problems for both of us. Became overweight and unhappy with myself. My family disowned me because I chose him. Communication problems. Unmedicated. Deaths in the family. Several counselors, good and bad. It was endless blows in all areas of life, on both sides! It took me a while before I realized he had BPD, then I found this group and felt like "Yes, these people understand what I'm going through!" I realized I had turned into a mental caregiver for him. I wasn't happy. I sacrificed myself to the point that there was hardly anything left of me. It was conditional love, not unconditional. He was empty inside and couldn't fill up his own hole. So he relied on me to do it and it sucked the life out of me in the process.
We finally separated, I moved out. Got my own place 1.5 hours away, slowly started to heal. It was great having time for me again. It looked like we were headed for divorce. But he missed me. We'd eventually see each other on weekends again. It was easier, we weren't living together anymore. Kind of like dating again. But we were stuck. This went on for 1.5 years! I was conflicted. Then he started getting inpatient. He wanted to know about the status of us. Fighting on the weekends again. Crazy behavior. Punching doors. Ruining things. Banging his head against the wall. Suicide threats. Reckless driving. Neighbors knocking on the door asking if I'm ok. The same behavior again that I thought I had escaped. He knew he was losing me.
We went to counseling to figure it out. He wanted me back. He wanted to have kids now and grow a family (after he wasted my fertile years). He was buying a new house in a closer town and I was debating whether to move back in with him. I went to see the house before he purchased it. I felt anxiety visualizing a future there with him. In counseling, the one thing he said he wanted was a connection; emotional, physical, soul, love etc - all levels. At that point I knew, I couldn't be with him. I couldn't give him what he needed anymore. And he couldn't do the same for me. Endless pain. The energy I felt around him was always anxiety. A yo-yo constantly going back and forth with his moods. I wanted to cut the string. Looking back I see why. For me, when there is continuous stress and anxiety, it's a sign that you're trying to force something that is no longer meant to be. You've outgrown it. A healthy relationship shouldn't feel like that, like you're two mismatched puzzle pieces trying to force fit together. So I said I wanted a divorce. Which for me was hard, because no one in my family was divorced and I'm a determined woman, I always see things through. After that session, he had a meltdown. He tried to commit suicide. At one point he looked at me and said "Well maybe I should just kill you". I'm not making this stuff up. Crazy, unhealthy, toxic.
After that, the caregiver in me worried he might kill himself. I always felt like his protector against his own self. But you know what happened? He stayed alive. We got divorced a few months later. He's still alive. And within a couple of months after the divorce, guess what? While I was worrying about him, he was dating a new girlfriend! Just like that after 15 years! And the creepy thing is she looks just like me! I'm not mad at him...frankly, I'm worried for this new girl. But also happy he has someone else to attach to now. However, I feel so easily replaced just like an object. And I'm mostly mad at myself that I stayed so long. I stayed longer because I was worried he'd kill himself. That was part of his control over me. Also mad because I had lost myself. I always put him first and lost my identity in the process.
So if you are reading this and are considering whether to stay or go, don't let fear hold you back from choosing yourself. Your future self is telling you that you will be fine! If it gets to the point where you know you'll be happier single, go with it! Think of the airplane analogy. If you give your oxygen mask away to someone else, how will you be able to live? You won't, you will die. So put the oxygen mask on first, and take care of yourself. This means having your own separate hobbies/outings/friends that bring you happiness and peace. If you're unable to, consider separation and reflection time on the relationship. It helped me get some distance and clarity and find the path back to me.
The funny part is I feel I was meant to go through this to learn a lesson. To endure a difficult life in the beginning so that I can understand how beautiful and amazing life can be after coming out of the darkness. I know I'm on the right path now. And hopefully my ex is too, perhaps this new girl will be a better fit for him. I’ve even met a man I consider to be my soulmate and hope to be with someday, after some more healing time anyways. There is hope for an amazing future now, one I couldn't even fathom while I was with my ex because I had settled. I thought everyone's marriage is like this too. Well I'm here to tell you, God doesn't want you to live like that! It's scary starting over but I feel soo free now! I was in a prison before. This is the happiest I've felt since my 20's, and I'm NOT in a relationship or seeking happiness from someone else. So choose NOT to stay stuck. Choose YOU. Choose your happiness. It's not selfish, it's called ensuring your own physical and spiritual health. It's only when you are happy and healthy that you can give your energy away to help others, and you in-turn also attract happy/healthy people into your life to help you. If your partner is an energy vampire (like my ex) and is sucking the life out of you, it's time to leave and get some space. I'd like to think of it as a plant uprooting itself out of a small pot with no water or room to grow (my relationship with my ex), and into a much bigger pot, with fertile soil and so much more room to grow and expand and spread love.
Thanks for reading this novel and I hope I was able to help one of you in some way. Just know, you're not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel...and it is amazing!
