Mother of Heartbroken Son - What To Do?

[Angie59]

Hi everyone! 

I haven't posted on this particular group before, but have been a member for quite some time. 

This is about support for myself but involves my son.  About 2 months ago his uBPD girlfriend broke up with him.  She admitted to cheating while they have been together, which was 5 years, as well as being involved with a man at the present time. 

She brought into this relationship her daughter, (not my son's) who was only 4 months old at the time.  The first year, she did not present herself as she eventually became.  As time progressed, she wanted to go out clubbing more and more, had men in her life and even went on trips with them telling my son they were "friends" and even has become a nude model on the Internet.  In the meantime, my son was at home with the kids - they had our grandchild 3 years ago together.  He has treated her now 5 year old daughter as his own all of this time.  He was her primary caregiver, especially for the last 3-1/2 to 4 years since she was absent from the home so much.  He took her and picked her up from daycare/school, took care of the house, financially supported everyone, and was just an all out good dad to both of the kids showing no partiality at all between the two.  Her daughter and my son have definitely formed a bond as he was really the only stable person in her life, the only one she could count on to consistently be there.

Now since the split-up, her biological father, (who has been in the picture every other weekend) and the ex-uBPD seem to be slowly weeding their daughter out of my son's life.  Okay, when looking at it objectively, it makes sense her biological father would want her more since the breakup.  He told my son he is so happy he had my son and didn't have to worry about his daughter, but now he is afraid she will have all sorts of men coming and going and is afraid for his daughter. 

Through the 5 year old, it came out to my son and to us that she was seeing a therapist.  They never told my son anything about this, but are still dropping her off on Sundays to spend the evening and night and he takes her to daycare Monday morning. 

I don't know what is going on and neither does he.  She had a T-ball game last Saturday and asked him why he wasn't there.  He told her that no one told him about it.  So it looks like he is being ousted out of her life and no one is saying anything.

As a mom, I hurt for him every time I look at the sadness in his eyes.  It's almost not having the daughter in his life is effecting him more than losing the ex-uBPD. 

Does this situation make sense to anyone?  Her biological mother/father (definitely father, not sure about mother) has been taking her the counseling and they haven't even told my son about it.  At this point, they are leaving him out of everything except when they want to drop her off and need someone to watch her.  Him, being who he is, is not saying anything because he wants to spend time with her.  I just don't get it.  Maybe I'm not seeing the forest for the trees.

Anybody have any ideas?

[Mutt]

Hi Angie59,

Im sorry to hear that you’re son is going through so much difficulty right. My heart goes out to him I would find it incredibly hard forming a bond with a child only to have this happen to him 

It doesn’t sound like either of her biological parents are responsible when it comes down to actually doing the work and taking care of their daughter.

Why wasn't the biological dad taking her every other week?

I can’t explain the T other than the fact that one or both think that she should talk to someone for help but I would wager that neither take responsibility for how they impact their D5.

The bigger picture is your son and how he’s going to cope with this. Is your son seeing a T? Has he spoken to an L? You can get a free consultation by calling them usually for 30-60 minutes depending on the L.

Maybe an L would have a better idea with the T because they may have seen something similar in a different case?

[Angie59]

Hello Mutt!   

Thank you for your reply.  Yes, he did have a consultation with a lawyer.  They have drawn up papers for her to hopefully sign for 50/50 custody.  The uBPD ex-girlfriend does not know anything about this as she really reiterated to him how much she wants to keep this out of court and just have a 50/50 deal with him without using the courts.  He knows he cannot trust her and was afraid maybe she was lawyering up while making him think he didn't need to get a lawyer.  He, however, has not even mentioned these papers to her or that he saw a L because he fears her retaliation.  He knows what she is capable of and a certain part of him still fears that. 

I don't know why D5's biological father would sometimes not take her when it was his time.  It seemed to happen now and then when my son was together with his ex-uBPD.  Now that they have broken up, that is where the change has come in with him wanting to spend more time with her.  Due to the ex-uBPD's work schedule (she works at a bar until 2:00 am. on Sundays), they both will have my son take her overnight on Sundays. 

I have spoken with my son a couple of times about him seeing a T and the importance of it.  At this point, he has not done so, and I really do wish he would.  In fact, the first 6 sessions would be free through his work, so I don't know why he does not take advantage of this. 

I already know from the ex-uBPD's behavior in the past that she clearly does not value her time with her children.  I am not quite sure what to think of her biological dad and where he stands at this point.  He wanted to move in with my son, and my son told him he really does not want a roommate.  He also wanted them to share a L to try and save costs to try to get custody - him for his D5, and my son for his own biological son with the ex-BPD who just turned 3. 

I don't know what is going on, I just wish my son would quit hurting, but I know that isn't possible - right now anyway. 

[Turkish]

Can they file a custody stipulation with the county without going to court?  You can in California because I did it.  The kids' mom agreed to sign a form that she was served by mail.  It saved the possible shame poor intimidation of using a process server.  I talked her through this because she absolutely didn't eant to show up in court.  No way in hell was I going to share custody with no legal standing, so good for your son for hiring a lawyer.

[Angie59]

Hi Turk and thank you for replying.

I am also glad that my son hired a lawyer.  They live in Illinois so I'm not sure about the custody stipulation.  It's an interesting thought though and I will ask my son if his L mentioned anything about that.  Right now, he seems to be laying low and "keeping the peace" because he thinks it is the best way to get to see his son as much as possible.  The thinking is do something to rattle her and she will be retaliating, as this has been her past behavior.

I'm not sure what is right for him to do right now.  It's very scary.  He worries about who his son will be around, as she has had many men come and go in her life, and equally scary for his non-biological "daughter's" father who expresses this very fear to my son.  They have been commuincating a lot more lately since the breakup and her biological dad said it scares him to death how many men will be in his daughter's life.  She managed to take him to court 5 years ago, hired a state attorney which was free for her since she was "low-income" and the strategy was to just keep it going until the dad ran out of money and couldn't pay his lawyer anymore.  It worked.  She has full custody.  Sad thing is she is not able to be a full-time mom. 

She is doing the same thing now with her new guy.  The love-bombing stage and seems to be repeating the same pattern as she did with my son.  Together all the time, he's wonderful, he's her soul mate, etc... and then once she gets them "hooked" they become a babysitter for her kids while she goes out on the prowl again to party and have a good time.  She desperately needs the attention from men and cheating seems to be something that she cannot seem to help.

The lack or absence of empathy or remorse is absolutely unnerving.  When she broke up with my son, he just sat there and cried and she had a blank look on her face the whole time.  He said he could not believe the look of no emotion after 5 years together. 

Well, I'm rattling on far past what you asked.  Sorry about that.  I just don't think I will ever get over having someone such as this in our family.  I know all BPs are not alike and I don't want to offend anyone on this board.  I'm just speaking from my own experiences and the mind-boggling behavior I have never witnessed in my life.  I wish I never had to.

My son will be okay.  I know he is hurting but he is an adult and has coping skills.  The kids are the real worry and how they will fare through all of this.