Need some Advice

[not ok]

Hello everyone, After reading a few books and being directed to this sight I am understanding that I have been through a lot of what you all have as well.  My husband although never diagnosed shares a lot of characteristics of BPD.  We have been married 13 years and 4 children only 1 under the age of 10 now they others are over 18 and 2 living on their own.  I have been thrown around, slapped, spit on, and cursed out most of which has happened in private however on a few occasions others have witnessed.   Most of this has happened more than 2 years ago.  Just recently we have had one incident of slapping and spitting on me in May 2019.  I have tried to leave multiple times and even so he has offered to leave only to come back within 30 min begging for me to forgive him and how he will change.  He has threatened to remove his direct deposit and move our money since he does bring home financially the majority of our financials.  I have attempted to leave in a calm way if i could take our 6 year old with me he has said ok and to get out however when i am leaving he will call and threaten to come back or he will destroy the house or break my neck and all with promises to make my life hell.  I come back of course to not have my other child witness the house being destroyed or know that this is still taking place, to have him stand in my face with threats of "if you leave i will break your neck" ,  but within an hour of me not arguing to avoid a huge fight he is sorry and often threatens suicide because he doesn't deserve anything as he is a POS and how sorry he is for doing these things to me and the kids.  Just yesterday he seems fine but then switches to hot and begins to call me names through text so that other people around do not hear him and i am too embarrassed to react.  So i just text back and say i'm sorry if i upset you. (mind you we are literally 6ft from each other in the same house )  he walks by and gives me the middle finger.  My oldest daughter and fiance were here and she knows i guess from the expression on my face and instantly says "he is starting with you isn't he mom?" I deny and say no not at all but she knows she has seen it for years...  I do not know what to do and need help or guidance.. I am so tired of covering up and lying for his behaviors I have become depressed and started to drink (at home) way more than I should I feel like to cope and I don't want to feel this way.  I am so over the roller coaster and feeling defeated in so many ways.  He has actually resorted to playing the 6 yr old against me saying that mommy wants to take you from me so i can't see you and i find myself defending myself to her that I would never do that to you, he has put me down in front of her so much that she i feel that she resents me sometimes.    He knows I have places i could go but he also knows I have 2 children still living in the house that I won't leave and I cannot afford to keep the house without his income.  I just want to find some options that I may have.    

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

Welcome, notok. We're glad you found us, although the reason is certainly a "notok" situatio.  You are correct -- many of the members here have been in circumstances similar to yours and can help and support you.

What type of support do you have locally -- family? Friends? Therapist?

[not ok]

I have support of friends and family most know his behavior and choose to tolerate to keep piece for me and some tolerate because they do not know the extent of the behavior or do not think it still exists.  He is very manipulating to a point where you can hear the change in his voice from a coworker/ friend call then back to the family. 

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, not ok,

I just want to say my heart goes out to you, as I have been in a similar situation before. What you are experiencing is domestic violence. Have you considered reaching out to your local domestic violence services center? Or talking to an advocate through a hotline? You can talk to someone via https://www.thehotline.org/ just to get some information, with no pressure to act now. They can help you with making a safety plan and help you explore options.

You said you have places you could go. Would bringing the children with you not be an option, were you to go to these places? I assume that you are talking about your six year old plus another adult child still in the home?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi not ok, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's a tough situation. I had some instances of violence in my relationship and it was confusing and scary. I also want to say that I'm glad you found us here. We're here to help you in any way we can, and we are so many members who truly understand what you're living right now.

Changes can be made! We must just go nice and easy and not rock the boat more than necessary. Our Safety First article has a lot of useful information, including on making a Safety Plan.

I also support calling a hotline if you can. They can chat with you and help you sort out your options.

Let us know how you're doing!

[not ok]

Ok so I can see the domestic violence as a huge issue and only recently have I started to read up on characteristics that I have really been observing more and more of and now  I am worried as I stated that with the mood changes in a split second and the DV it will be more difficult to actually leave.  I have read the book walking on eggshells and just started I love you I hate you as some days that is how i describe his behavior.   He can blow up with a million horrible names and scream and yell and threaten but then wants to be close and tell me he is sorry so I really am concerned after reading so many different stories on here that I am dealing with a bit more than a domestic issue.  He has been on medication for some years for "anxiety" however he will promise of going to therapy but later discounts my request to seek marriage counseling as being silly.  My 6 yr old recently asked why i make dad upset and become angry with me in front of him, but will ask me to just go stay with my oldest daughter so he doesn't scream at me anymore.  I think he likes to argue sometimes so i do not respond as if I am just numb to all the yelling and harsh words.     

[not ok]

yes sorry the 6 yr old and another adult child could go with me however I am trying to not have them go through any other traumatic experiences and I feel horrible of the thought of uprooting my kids and leaving our pets and I know he will not make it easy.   I have tried to set simple boundaries of "I will not allow you to speak to me like that in front of the kids anymore"  but he just says he can do whatever he wants to,  he is much bigger and way more intimidating that I could ever be to him,  and so i think to save the kids from seeing or hearing much of what goes on I just abide by what he says.  I just don't want the 6yr old to endure anymore and just by her reactions to his behavior lately, she has already seen and heard way to much.  He did tell me he was going to leave a few days however he will not and then he will pretend as if nothing happened at all and my feelings are disregarded and if I do not play along then the cycle is repeated..

[Scarlet Phoenix]

  This is hard, hard stuff.

The thing with exits is that it's better for the leaving party (you) if it happens calmly and with a solid plan behind it. We can help you with that.

In the meantime, it will help you at home to learn some ways to lower the tension. It'll give you some breathing space. The good thing is that you can do this without any agreement or participation from your husband. The first is to work on how you respond to your partner. It's not about who's right or wrong, but about calming the upset waters. You can see it here: Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Another one's called A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

Maybe have a look and let us know what you think? I know it's a lot to take in.

We're here and we're listening.

[not ok]

I will continue reading on those - thank you for the links

[Turkish]

not ok,

The situation is concerning, especially how he can switch between hot and cold.  A safety plan is good to have:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

The validation tools that Scarlet Phoenix are helpful to reduce conflict.

I would encourage you to reach out to a local helpline. The call is anonymous.  A live, local voice can be very supportive. No rash decisions need to be made,  just someone to talk to. 

[not ok]

Thank you.   That was very informative. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi not ok. How are you today? Please give us un update when you can.

[not ok]

I am doing OK today - I have read alot on having a safety plan and I have been getting some things in order.  He seemed ok yesterday and we actually seemed to not argue but then like a flick of a light switch he was mad again.  Im so confused on why this happens?  does that make sense?   Like for someone to seem ok and engage in conversation all day (via phone) and seem ok at dinner but then angry / mad for no reason at all?  and then to go to bed and text all night from bed?  and wake me in the middle of the night because he wants to know how can i go to sleep when we are not ok?   I just do not understand.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I am doing OK today

Thank you for letting us know 

You say it's like the flick of a light switch, from fine to mad, and that it's confusing. You are right, it is confusing. It doesn't make sense from a logical point of view because it doesn't come from a place of logic and reason. His changing behaviour is highly emotional and related to his internal feelings that don't really have anything to do with the external situation.
Sorry, that was somewhat technical, wasn't it. What I mean is that it IS confusing, and I and so many others understand what you mean.

We are glad you are here with us.