Advice please...i am lost

[Yoke]

was a rollercoaster. After aprox 5 months she broke up with me the first time right before she was going to move into my place. Then all the time during our relation she had trustissues, and she broke up with me for different reasons every time, always one hour after i left for work, then she sent me a textmessage accusing me for not being honest, lied, not kept my promises, that she had proof of what i have done to her, but NEVER told me what i have done? What the proof was. She broke up with me after a 2-3 week period of good times.. a pattern. She never broke up with me eye to an eye. I came after her apologuise to her for hurting her, we talked, cried, and tried again. I broke contact with many of my friends she thought was a "threath" to us. And i broke up with friends because i wanted to also. I was with her 24/7 and loved it so much! Just be with her. We had such a amazing time now, i was going to move into her apartement, we planned the summer, future.. and from nowhere.. she broke up with me a month ago.. with a furious textmessage accusing me for not being truly honest, went behind her back, she got proof again etc.. one hour after i went to work. She was home in my apartement.. left the ring. Told me she never wanted to see me again.. as always in her brealup medsages..Blocked me and disappeared.. again.. 2 weeks ago i went to her home to ask when i could give her her stuff she left at my place... she said, i  cannot bear this.. and locked her door. After a while i got a textmessage where she told me i could do whatever i wanted with her belongings, as long as she did not have to see me... one week ago when i wrote a letter to her telling how much i still love her, she replied that she is dating" someone new" now... is she seeing someone for real or just try avoid me and hurt me? i am devestated here. What shall i do? Just leave her alone? Never see her again?  Or wait? I dont want to loose her forever.. what did i do wrong? I never lied, cheated or hid anything from her. Please help me.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Yoke! You've been through the wringer 

These relationships go up and down so much. There's a lot of push pull dynamic, where we're pushed away and then pulled back in.

I can't say if she's seeing someone else or not. What I do know, is that a person with BPD can feel overwhelmed where others wouldn't and therefor push people away. And they often move quickly from one relationship to another. I'm sorry.

For now she has made it clear that she is not interested. As hard as it is, the best for you is to respect that. Chasing after her will only make her pull further away.

How long were you together?

[Yoke]

We were together a year. Engaged. She had huge trustissues (for no reason because i adored her, and would never cheat or lie to her) the pattern wich she broke up with.. textmessages everytime.. and when i had left for work. Always accusing me for not being honest .. but never told me WHAT she was thinking of.. is that usual? And i understand that she hates me right now but dont know why... and if i stay away, dont she think i never cared about our relationship? Because then she feel abandoned by me.. even if she was the one abandon me.. im so confused.. can u help me? And WILL she ever come back? I have read so many stories were everyone says the ALWAYS come back.. one way or another.. is that true? What is your experiences about that?

[Longterm]

My ex recently came back after 18mths. Told me I was the love of her life, her soul mate, she cannot live without me and she is 100% committed to fixing things. When I wanted to discuss why she left the first time she closed me off, cheated and I am once again the devil.

[OutOfEgypt]

They come back, one way or another.  My ex did over and over, especially once the tables turned and she saw that I was the one who didn't want the relationship anymore.  That's when she started making all sorts of promises she did not keep.  As soon as I took her back in, things went right back to the same way.  Everything a counselor/friend predicted happened.  He says BPD's are "pathological" -meaning that they always follow the same path, like a compulsion to sabotage and destroy the good they could have.

I'm remarried, now.  In that sense, she won't come back.  We've had ups and downs dealing with her even just through co-parenting.  She's painted us black for 7 months, now.  But I am always in "state of alert" for when she is going to poke back into our lives and stir up a battle.

A wise person once said to me... the best predictor of the future is the past.  The question you'll have to ask yourself is if you want the experiences you describe her to be the norm for the rest of your life.  Sorry!

[Longterm]

Amen to that.

[Yoke]

I dont want that to be in my life forever because i deserve to be treated nice like i trwated her. I adored her but it was maybe not never enough? My head is spinningen of thought, and maybe i was the one failured? I just loved her so much, and was that who made her leave ? That i gave her too much love?  She is untreated bpd.. i dont even know if she knows it by herself.. i dont think she will come back ever? For what? Can you explain why she would think of coming back, for what reason? She said herself she never want to see me again in a textmessage when she broke up that way...

[Longterm]

My ex said the same thing. She told my family many lies and her family too, even friends/work colleagues listened to her tell her "tale" of how abusive I was. How I emotionally and physically abused her and our children. It was such a shame for her right? She left me in thousands of pounds of debt, tried to cause many many arguments, tried to turn the kids against me and even stopped me seeing the 2 youngest for 5mths. She still came back asking for help and playing the victim role, it was like something out of Hollywood. She promised to get help and even told me she thought she had bpd.

The point I'm trying to make is that you should never think she won't come back, what you need to do is build up your defences so if she does come back you will be able to resist her advances. It took my ex 3mths and a suicide attempt to breach my walls and then she left me and the kids on the deck in a state of depression and confusion, shame and pain.

She will come back when she NEEDS something, not because of love because if she loved you she would not of treated you so poorly. She will tell you she loves you for sure but it will all be a facade. I'm yet to find an ex coming back success story.

Your love will never be enough, she cannot sustain it.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I can feel your distress and I wish I could help more.
Is there something you could do right now that can help give you comfort? Sooth you?

As much as I wish I could give you a straight answer, I can't. Unfortunately, there isn't one formula fits all. It's true that many come back, but not all. They often swing back and forth between white/pulling you in and black/pushing you away. They struggle with fear of enmeshment and fear of abandonment.

I see you're posting on the Bettering board as well. That's great, and I think you'll benefit from posting there. Because over on that board they'll help you work on how you interact and communicate with your partner. In the case that she does come back and you want to change the way you are together to something better, that's a really important skill for you to have.

I see that you're worried about her feeling abandoned if you don't contact her. My guess is she's not and that she'll feel crowed if you are too eager.

[Mindfried]

Hi Yoke,

I went through the same exact ordeal that you are going through over a four year period. It was painful every single time until the last break-up. I knew it was time to let go. It is the best thing that ever happened to me. No more stress or anxiety or walking on egg shells.  I got off the roller coaster for good. I felt the same exact way for her as you did. If you can let go and remain no contact it does seem to get better with each passing week. It has been 11 months for me with minimal contact initiated by her via text. All is peaceful and good.

[Jaaj61]

I am so sorry. My BPDxgf ended things in a similar way-through text, dropping my things at my office, blocking and deleting me, telling me to give her stuff to a girlfriend of hers, and followed up with a scathing threatening email after I communicated with that friend to set up a time to meet and drop her stuff off. I have now sent her three boxes of things through the mail after she keeps asking for more. But when she asked me to meet (after unblocking me) to get her stuff, I refused and sent her the last box. Its very confusing. I struggle with wondering if she wants to see me, wants to hurt me, if she misses me etc. I just know in my head this cannot work and I maintain NC despite how much I want to talk to her and explain that what she is thinking is so off.
Hang in there and keep connected to this community. It is a big source of support and objectivity.

[Yoke]

Thanx for the replies! I appreciate it a lot! I need and want to hear the truth about it. As every day goes by with no contact with her... i miss her more. Its painful. But am also feeling angry and frustrated and fooled by her. I trusted her words of love for me, i trusted her action and that it all was for real. But i feel like a fool.. standing here abandoned by her! No explanation,  she just disappeared with rage and accusation.. and i still dont know why. I think i will never see/talk to her again  i dont think she will come back. So for me i need to ger her stuff back later by putting them on the doorstep.  I loved her so deep and thought it would ladt forever. So now i need to get help with the pain and how to move on... can you help me guys? Thanx!

[OutOfEgypt]

I think there's no secret to getting through it other than just coming to terms with reality.  Many of us have been through many "recycles" with our pwBPD because we were too close to see or didn't want to see reality.  I held on for over a dozen years, even though on average every 2 years she was ready to leave the relationship (and was cheating on me, for most of those times).  I had counselors tell me the truth -one in particular told me multiple times, spread over years, but I just couldn't cut the cord and move on.  I wanted to believe he was wrong or that if I just held onto some fantasy of things being better next time around, getting better around the next bend in the road.  But they never did.  Took me a long time to see things for what they were.  I think healing through the pain is largely a matter of reality and our hopes and dreams converging.  They are very good at showing us a "good side".  The relationship usually starts with extremely high idealization that is almost euphoric.  That's what sucked me in - nobody "ever felt so strongly about me" before, and I knew it "must be love."  But love, real love, is far more earthy and gritty and longsuffering than infatuation.  Still, we get hooked on the fantasy that if we do the right things, play the right cards, carry the weight of the blame they cast upon us, and manage their emotions for them, that we can get back to that ideal somehow.  We're like horses chasing a carrot dangling on a stick that can never be reached.

[Longterm]

Yoke.

It is going to hurt for quite sometime unfortunately. I would suggest you try and nail the basics such as making sure you look after your personal hygiene, make sure you get enough to eat and try not to be on your own too much. Talking about it really helps and I suggest you talk to friends/family to try and express your emotions, to feel and process them. I know it hurts, believe me I feel your pain but there is very little you can do right now apart from look after yourself.

Therapy might be something you may want to look into.

I would also Google FOG, that will give you a better understanding of why you are feeling so lost right now.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Yoke,

It's good to see you positing here. We're here with you.

These break-ups are hard, somehow harder than other break-ups. It's heartbreaking to trust and love someone so deeply and then one day they just disappear, no explanation offered. It has happened to many people here. Not that it makes things any easier for you, but please know that you are not alone in experiencing this.

You have already done something important to help with your pain. You have come here and reached out. That is a first step and an important one.

Here's an article on breaking up that maybe can help you some. Just click on the title here in green: The Biology of Breaking Up


Reading and posting here will help you.

Warmly
Scarlet

[Longterm]

Outofegypt.

You know of what you speak. I salute you.

[OutOfEgypt]

Longterm - :D thank you.  Awful, isn't it?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Just wanted to leave you this as well: Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality (click on the green text to open it). It is something to come back to again and again when we are struggling with the break-up. Maybe you can have a look and see if there anything that rings true to you?

Scarlet

[Longterm]

Outofegypt.

Devastating.

[Yoke]

Thanx for the advices and support. It helps a lot. I wanna ask something more. Bpd craves for love but when you give them all of it they push you away so hard. Is that because they cant handle it, true love? And therefor they run into a new relationship so quick, to forget the love you gave and try not feel the pain they might have after the breakup. Even if they were the one abandon you..?

[Longterm]

They crave love but when they receive it they feel engulfed and controlled, it triggers them and then they push you away. They then feel abandoned and crave the love again. This push/pull dynamic is never ending.

They run into a new relationship quickly because they cannot be alone.

They do not feel the breakup the same way as you or I. Once you are out of sight you are out of mind, she will not be pining for you as you are for her. I'm sorry if that hurts, she will be fixed on idealizing the new partner right now and will have very little thought to you or your feelings. The cycle will happen again with the new partner.

[Yoke]

Thanx for the sharing. I start to feel its no use for me longing for her because for what reason? If she does not love me anymore then whats the use for me to love her in silent... i thought that she may would miss me or come back but that is such a small chance or even zero. Now she is with someone else and have no interest in me what so ever.. im just curious why she stayed for a year? When she could  have left me long ago. And all those words of how much she loved me, missed me was never for real. ?  How can anyone be so cruel and why do we  keep fighting for them when you will never get close enough to them.? Weird...

[Longterm]

You will long for her whether you want to or not. A lot do come back but it will not be because she loves or misses You, it will be because she NEEDS something from you. That could be money, sex, accommodation, validation, all sorts of things. She stayed for a year because initially she would of idealized you but gradually she would of begun to devalue You, there was likely a lot of anger and resentment building in her that you were unaware of. She would of been looking for the next partner before she ended things with you. When she said she loved you she probably did mean it right there and then but they are very fickle and childlike, they can change their thoughts and feelings towards you very quickly, they cannot regulate their emotions. We keep fighting for them because at times we have been made to believe we were the centre of their universe, once we reach this initial high we never experience it again, only in bits and drabs. It becomes intoxicating and makes us bat away all their bad behaviour towards us. Their love is like a drug and you are in withdrawal.

[Yoke]

What comes the anger from they buuld up before they leave u for good? Is it them disappointed at us, or themselves?  I felt like she was looking for bad things about me, not concentrate on what i really did,- sacrifices, love and were just nice to her..? And i realize that she had a new one already if i think back. I realize also that i will long for her even if i dont want to! She has my heart still...

[Longterm]

It comes from you not being as perfect as they thought you were during the idealization stage. Nobody is perfect but a bpd finds it difficult to transition from the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

[Yoke]

But she was the one pushing me to go further with moving in together, be more together? Then it is her that wants more fast. We could have a honeymoonperiod as long as she wants?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I know. There's nothing logic about it. It explained here:
How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

The emotional closeness is hard for someone with BPD, at the same time they really crave it. So they chase it, then get overwhelmed and pushes you away. And they need you again and then it's too close again. It's a cycle that's not easy to get out of.

[Only Human]

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