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Author Topic: Do they ever get well enough to leave home?  (Read 256 times)
Glory
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« on: June 18, 2019, 04:08:33 PM »

My BPD step-son is 32 years old and lives in my basement. His father, (my husband of 26 years) passed away a year and a half ago. I have 3 other children - only 1 left at home and I'm looking forward to slimming down the homestead - maybe a townhouse - without the debilitating payments, snow removal and lawn mowing. I have a place to go, but the owners know of my son's violent outbursts and won't allow him to live there. How can I help him be well enough to live on his own? Live-in treatment programs? Group homes? Ideas? Anything would be appreciated.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Swimmy55
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« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2019, 06:25:33 PM »

Welcome! We are glad you found us. We truly understand about having our adult child be well enough to function on his/her own. The first step is to remember this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint with our ill family member.  There is hope , but it takes a while.  Can you say a little more about your son?  Is he accepting of his mental illness?  Does he seek help ( therapy ) and on meds?  Also on this journey, it is important for you to realize you are as important as he is.  Have a look around the website here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331689.0.  Looking forward to hearing back from you.
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Lollypop
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« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2019, 02:18:14 AM »

Hi glory

Excerpt
How can I help him be well enough to live on his own?

I asked the very same question 4 years ago after I found this forum. It was a process of me understanding how my part in his life and my actions could help or hinder.

Is your son working?  

LP

Ps.  I figured that son had to find a way to live independently. We weren’t prepared to fund his life. However, we emotionally supported him while he learnt the skills he needs. He moved out of a “half way” situation into his own place 4 weeks ago. There’s hope!
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     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2019, 03:49:20 PM »

I'm so sorry for your loss, GS. Going it alone is not easy after having a partner for so long, I would imagine. How are you holding up?

He's your stepson and lives with you. Are you an angel? 

How do you manage his violent outbursts?

Do they happen regularly or are they somewhat episodic?

Does he recognize that his issues are likely connected to BPD?
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It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. -- Stephen Colbert
Glory
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« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2019, 02:22:27 PM »

I am holding up relatively well (thank you for asking). Working a lot to keep the lights on - keeps me busy.

He has been with me (us) since he was 4. Rarely has been able to live on his own due to his mood swings. I couldn't throw him out when my husband died. When he's not upset, he's quite a delight to be around. He helps around the house and cooks.

My youngest son and I just disappear when he has his outbursts.

The outbursts are sort of cyclical. Sometimes, he does fine for two-three weeks and then three or four terrible days. Or a trigger, oversleeping when he has to work or the like, then an outburst. That's why is so frustrating - you think he's making progress - and then four steps back.

I think he realizes the outbursts are a symptom. When he's in it, reality doesn't seem to matter much. When he's not, I think he understands. It's hard to tell.
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Lollypop
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« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2019, 03:11:07 AM »

Hi glory

Keeping busy and getting on with our own lives is one way to cope. When son lived with us I’d get so frustrated in his inaction. He resists change. Of course, he was comfortable living at home but that’s not the real adult world is it.

Excerpt
How can I help him be well enough to live on his own?

Is he in any kind of therapy and able to financially support himself?

What kind of support do you have?  You say you want to move forwards with your own life and that’s perfectly understandable and reasonable. When would you like to move?

LP
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     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
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